“Are you gonna slow down, or am I gonna have to jump out of this door and die?” I asked dramatically.
I knew I wasn’t looking forward for what was on his mind by the devilish smirk he gave me.
“You’re creeping me out. Stop smirking at me like that.”
His smirk widened into a genuine smile and he once again turned to face me.
“I know I’m hot. Even hotter when I smirk, but this…” He said, taking away his hand from the steering wheel and using it to gesture at my creeped out face. “You can just tell me I make you nervous. No need to make a story ‘bout it…” He finished.
I rolled my eyes and glared at him.
The usual playfulness and mischievousness in his eyes was nowhere to be seen. He looked like he had something on his mind the whole ride.
“This isn’t the right time for your cocky comebacks, you know?” I snapped freaking out more at the car he nearly hit.
“Just slow down, for Christ’s sake.” I yelled.
He sight and slowed down, looking at me with a defeated look plastered on his face.
“Are you finally telling me what your problem is, or are you just gonna keep speeding like a maniac and killing us both and some innocent 80 years old grandmother with-“ When, I said the word ‘kill’ it was bitter, I don’t know why but I didn’t like saying it and I regretted doing it.
“I kissed Jessica.” He said, cutting me off. His hand clutch tightened around the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.
I blinked, once, twice, three times. I tried shaking the thought off my head. Maybe, I didn’t hear him properly. That’s probably it. He would never do such thing. Especially to me. He’s perfect, right? He’s the boyfriend who once made me the world’s best late sweet sixteen. He promised me to always be sincere and never stab me on the back. To always have my back. But sadly my ears weren’t playing tricks on me. And I heard him right.
“Saturday, at Liam’s party. I was drunk and she was tipsy too. I saw you chatting with the clique and I don’t know what had gotten into me. I just…I’m really sorry. I know I cut you deep and believe me there is nothing I regret more than-than hurting you.”
I was chatting with the clique. And by that he was referring to our group of friends. Well, mostly his friends, since they were all basketball teammates.
I saw his face turn from nervous, to troubled, to guilty to finally regretful. He had stopped the car without me noticing. I didn’t even bother the fact that we were parked in a road turn. I just kept staring at him unbelievably.
“How?” My voice broke, despite the effort I made for it not to. “Just tell me; how could you do this to me?” My voice got higher by every word. “You- you know how I feel about this. You’re the only one who knows what I’ve been through because of a simple mistaken kiss my dad made, but still…You had to make me live it again?” I yelled without a care for the tears that were streaming down my eyes.
He hit his head on the steering wheel and clutched it tighter with both his hands, looking more miserable than ever.
“You said you loved me.” He said. “Right after that, you had to confess your love for me.” He looked in terrible pain, and I couldn’t stop from thinking I caused that pain for him. “God, I messed up. Big time.” He finished.
I kept staring at him knowing exactly what was running through his mind.
“I’m just like him, huh? I’m just another jerk who couldn’t hold a simple promise?” I knew right away that he was referring to my father.
“You know what the ironic thing about this is?” He asked. “It’s that you’re the first girl I truly loved.” He answered his own question.
I held eye contact with him for the first time back then. It felt like ages but I didn’t want to be the one to break it off.
I don’t know how, but I wasn’t mad at him. I wasn’t sad or even jealous. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I just felt different.
I felt scared. Not the usual fear you get from a horror movie. Or the one you get when you’re about to move on, to high school maybe or to college. It was like that terrible feeling you have, of something bad about to happen, so you hold on tight to the joyful moment you’re having as long as you can. That was exactly what I was feeling. Only, the moment I was having was remotely close to anything but joyful. Still, I didn’t want to break it off.
But they say; all good things come to an end. And this one was ended by a loud truck honk that made both our heads snap towards the sound, to be met by two blinding lights.
The car crash.
Every single second that went by, seemed in slow motion.
I saw how Matt’s face turned from depressed to shocked. How his jaw dropped and how his eyes widened. I saw him look at me and back at the truck. I saw him have troubles with his seatbelt as he was trying to take it off. Then, I saw him jump in front of me and hug me.
I remained motionless and frozen.
The truck hit us.
I looked at his weak body falling on my lap. Not even bothering the pain I felt creeping to my whole system.
He had clear tears in his eyes and thick, red liquid dripping from the side of his smiling mouth.
He looked up at me. Blinking and coughing a couple of times. And staining my white top with drops of blood. His blood.
I placed my shaking hands on both his cheeks and cried my eyes out.
“I hope-“ He coughed.” I hope- “ He stopped, then finished “-that by this-“ He coughed once again. “You can forgive me.” He finished, managing a hopeful glint in his eyes.
I sobbed again and kissed his forehead and lips.
“Don’t.” I pleaded. “Don’t say that. Don’t leave me on my own.”
He brought a heavy hand to my left cheek and tucked a falling hair behind my ear.
“Just-“ He cupped my cheek, closed his eyes then opened them again. “Just say you forgive me.” He said.
“No.” I yelled.
“No, I won’t say that.” I cried harder not knowing that I held all those tears in my eyes. “If I do-“ I let out another sob. “If I do…You won’t have anything to hold you back. You’ll just leave me alone.”
He smiled at me and let his hand fall off of my cheek.
My heart tightened at the lack of that feeling. The feeling of his skin against mine.
“I’ll always be there with you.” He smiled at me one last time, before his eyes shot up and his mouth fell open.
“No.” I screamed. “ No! Don’t go.” I screamed again. I shook his lifeless body and sobbed, resting my head on his.
He was gone and wasn’t coming back.
My eyelids felt heavier and I felt weak and helpless in front of the fire flaming the car engine.
I blacked out.
I was crying my brain out once more. My father and Chris were asking me what was wrong. But I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t answer there question.
Everything was wrong. I just remembered that my boyfriend died because of me. He saved me and it took his life away.
I hated every second that was passing by. I felt disgusted with myself. I simply hated myself.
“Amber, what’s wrong?” Asked Chris in a demanding tone. “Talk to me, Amber” He shouted.
“Just- Just take me home.” I said, looking back at him and whipping my tears away.
They gave each other a look, not knowing what to say. Then in silence, my father drove away with my mother on his tale, driving Chris’ car.
I kept staring out the window, the whole drive home. I didn’t say anything when we pulled off and waited for Chris to put me on the wheelchair.
Once we got to the front porch of our house mom opened the door for us and let us in. Dad put the bag with my clothes on the floor the minute we walked in. He guided me towards the living room, despite my protests. I didn’t want to be around anybody. I just needed to sleep this off, I thought.
“Surprise.” Some crowd shouted, when I entered the living room.
I looked around to find some extended family members, some neighbors, some friends and even some of the hospital staff. The living room had a massive sign attached from wall to wall, that said ‘Welcome home.’ There also were some colored balloons a bit everywhere.
Before I knew it, people were already approaching me and talking to me. I didn’t register much of what they were saying. I would just answer with a ‘Thank you’ whenever I thought it was needed.
“Glad you’re back, Amber.”
“Welcome back, Amber.”
“Hey there, we missed you.”
“Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re okay.”
“Talk to me sometimes if you want to?”
It was supposed to make me happy. It was supposed to cheer me up, finding all these people who care about me. But it didn’t. Instead, it made me feel worse about myself, like they didn’t like or maybe love the real me. None of them really knows me. Not Chris, not my mom, not my dad, not even Kevin, the guy I spent a month talking to. No matter how hard they tried, or claimed it.
I was, and always will be the girl who’s responsible for Matt’s death.
Not wanting to deal with any more of it, I made my way towards my brother and asked him to take me upstairs to my room.
“Are you sure? Don’t you want to wait until the guests leave?” He asked.
I sight and looked around one more time. The room looked more crowded than ever. I looked at him pleadingly.
“I need a break. At least the garden, not my room?” I stated questioningly.
“Alright, I’ll just make sure someone is taking care of-of that uh- thing I was doing?”
I noticed that where he was, was stood Sophie. The girl he had been crushing on, in high school. She was chatting with some of their old friends.
“You know what? I’ll go by myself is fine.” I corrected myself.
“I’ll take you to the garden if you want?” Offered Liam, coming out of nowhere. I didn’t even notice he was here.
“Eavesdropper much?” Commented Chris.
I sight for the last time and decided to leave with Liam instead.
“So?” He asked, prolonging the ‘o’.
“So?” I repeated.
That ‘So?’ thing was becoming a habit. Whenever we’d meet we’d start a conversation with a ‘So?’.
He seemed to be in the same thoughts as me, because the next thing he said proved me right.
“We should stop using ‘So’ to start talking, it’s getting old, don’t you think?”
I smiled and looked down at my hands that were on my lap. It wasn’t out of shyness or nervousness. I wasn’t feeling like talking to anyone. All I needed was to spend some time on my own. If only, I could run away for some time. Just to clear my mind. It would be somewhere where no one would think about finding me in. Somewhere peaceful and calm. Somewhere, like the place I had my first date in, with Matt.
Just like that, grief took over me once more. I couldn’t run away there, and Matt wasn’t going to be there if miraculously I did.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. I was responsible for his death and I would never forgive myself for it.
“Are you okay?” Asked Liam.
I just nodded and closed my eyes shut, trying to hide the tears that filled them.
“So?” He asked again. “Shit, I mean uh- Sorry I didn’t mean to say that. I- uh…yeah I shouldn’t say that again.” He said and quickly finished. “Did you like the surprise?” He asked in a rush.
I knew he was trying very hard not to make this an awkward moment, that’s why I couldn’t be rude to him and ask for privacy, so I just went along.
“Uh- It’s a bit too soon, I think.” I started saying, while making my way towards my favorite tree. “All I want is to spend some time alone.” I finished
“I can leave if you want me to?”
“It’s okay, I can use some company.” I stated.
Late August. It was the best time to spend in our garden. The weather would get cooler and a little windy, just enough to freshen me up. The tree leaves were making a beautiful sound as the wind hit them, and they were leaving a soothing scent behind. It was very calm and peaceful.
He came next to me and sat right underneath the tree, resting his back on the tree trunk.
“You know, with company comes a lot of talking.” He stated.
I looked at him weirdly and found him staring at the sky.
“I’m listening?” I said, making my statement sound more like a question.
“You’ll have to do your part too, I can’t do it on my own.”
I hesitated for a moment, not sure if I was up for some questions he might ask.
“Uh- I think I can handle that.” I said without thinking, and regretted that the second it left my lips.
“Don’t worry, I won’t ask question that you might not want to answer, I promise.” He answered, after reading my mind. A werewolf, great…Oh wait, was that vampires who read minds? Well one of those.
“Pick a subject.” He asked me to.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m feeling way too sadistic; maybe you should pick it instead?”
He looked at me then at the wheeling chair and stood up.
“What are you doing?” I asked, as he was lifting me bridal style, and landing me next to where he was sat.
“It’s a lot better this way.” He said, sitting next to me. The tree was the biggest one of the garden and it could give us both comfortable shade and something to land our back on.
“Grief it is, then.” He commented.
I was confused for some time at the subject he picked and then realized I was the one who picked it.
I looked up at the sky to where he was looking, and found a beautiful sight. I was starting to forget how pleasant this place was. It was a good thing I came out.
“You know what I heard was the best feeling of happiness?” He asked.
“I thought we were talking about grief, and no I don’t know.”
“Well, it’s making somebody else happy and looking at the joy in their eyes.” He answered his own question, ignoring my first remark.
“Oh, I know where this is going. You didn’t change the subject you just sort of expanded it and now you’re advising me.” I commented.
“Thank you captain obvious.” He said and grinned like a fool. “I’ve always wanted to say that.” He explained.
“It’s not that easy, you know?” I said, it came out of nowhere.
“What isn’t?” He asked.
I thought about it for a second and remembered how it felt less torturing that time when I cried for the first time with Kevin.
“It hurts. It hurts deep inside. I am always wanting to scream it out, on top of my lungs, but I don’t. I hold it in, because I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m responsible for my pain and I haven’t got the courage and will to scram it out loud.” Once I let it all out, I realized how stupid I sounded.
“I... Sorry you had to listen to that.” I quickly apologized. Wow I’m turning into a bipolar now, really?
“I’m glad I did. Listen to that, I mean.” He stated while looking at me. “I know you don’t have much girl friends, but I’m here if you want to talk about it.” He kindly offered.
“I should get back in there, they’re probably looking for me now.” I said wanting to stand up, but remembering I couldn’t do that before making any move.
“Alright, let me help you.” He helped me get in the house after lifting me off the floor bridal style again.
It was starting to get old. For Kevin to do it, it was fine. For Chris, fine too. For dad same, but for Liam it felt really weird.
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A/N:
Here it is guys :D
You’re sixth chapter.
I hope you liked it and please vote and comment if you did, I really love it when you do. So thank you for being that awesome.
Love,
Abir ^-^