"No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you. Come whatever I'll be the shelter that won't let the rain come through"
~ Remedy (25)
(THE WORD RAPE IS MENTIONED A FEW TIMES IN THIS CHAPTER, BUT NO DETAILS ARE USED AND NO DESCRIPTIONS ARE WRITTEN)
My heart was shattered. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. It hurt to think. But I forced myself out of bed every day, not wanting my parents to worry. They still don't know about Nick and I-or at least what we were-but I think my mom has figured out I was seeing someone. She's been looking at me with a sad smile lately, surely after seeing my red swollen eyes every day. And if she knew, my dad must know as well since they tell each other almost everything. It was a miracle they were trying to give me space because if they brought anything up, I would surely break and have a meltdown.
Today marks two weeks since Nick discovered the part I played in his case. At first, I thought that he really did need time to thoroughly think about everything and come to terms with it. I thought he would eventually come back to me and I would be more than ready to apologize again. But it has been two weeks, two weeks. Slowly but surely, I began to realize that maybe he was just trying to let me down easy. Perhaps, he never intended on coming back to me. Perhaps, that had been his goodbye.
I started believing this almost a week ago and that was when I actually started to cry myself to sleep. Before, I never understood when people talked about their hearts being broken into a million unrecognizable pieces, but now, I more than understood.
I still cry myself to sleep. Sometimes, he'll pop into my head in the middle of the day and I have to rush to the restroom to avoid crying in public. I can feel the broken pieces of my heart, the devastated parts of my soul, and my disappointed mind before I open my eyes every morning.
But I was trying. I was trying to do as he wished. I wanted him to be happy, to be at peace.
The day the story about the girls' false accusations came out, everything seemed to go back to normal. However, that had been the calm before the storm, because the next day, hell broke loose. Articles came out over and over and over again claiming that the charges were dropped because Nick was a prospective athlete and that the girls were being forced into silence. I'd wanted to reach out to Nick then, to try and console him. It must've been devastating to go through this again even though his name had already been cleared. In the end, I didn't do anything, because I was afraid he would reject me again. I was too broken to handle any more pain. So, I left him to deal with the cruelty of the world that was trying to take him for everything he had.
It's been almost a week and a half since the story broke and everything just seemed to get worse and worse for Nick. It got so bad that I just started tuning everything out; I couldn't bear it anymore. People's horrible gossip, their badmouthing, their hatred, their damn hypocrisy was infuriating. I felt like I was going to pop someone's head off if I kept on paying attention to their crap. So, I closed everything off and just focused on school.
Today was a Wednesday, a school day. Like every other day for the past two weeks, I woke up, showered, and dressed plainly. I went downstairs looking like a robot with no human-like qualities. My mom was looking at me in that way again as she watched me take one of the seats that were around the dining table, which was right next to the island. She plated a couple of waffles and dressed them the way I like before setting them down before me with a cup of coffee.
She leaned down and kissed my cheek, her blonde hair brushing my face as she moved away to smile at me. "Good morning, sweetheart."
I gave her a tight smile. "Hey, mom. Thanks."
Her smile faltered a bit at my empty voice. "It's nothing, Iris. I love you, okay?"
I swallowed against the limp in my throat. I was making her worry...God, I suck. "I know, mom. I love you, too, to the moon and back," I said, forcing cheer into my voice.
Her eyes brightened at that. "Okay, then. You should eat," she nodded to my plate before walking back to the stove. She started working on dad's breakfast and I let out a breath of relief. I felt the darkness flood me once more, robbing me of my emotions. I hated that about myself. I didn't want to be empty. I wanted to be my old lively self. But that meant feeling everything and I just couldn't do that.
I was glaring at my waffles when my mom spoke up a few minutes later. "Iris, are you watching the news? Nicholas Grey got suspended."
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion as I looked up to the TV to see what she was talking about.
BREAKING NEWS: KINGSTON HIGH SUSPENDS STAR ATHLETE AFTER RAPE ALLEGATIONS WERE DROPPED
I choked.
My mom rushed to my side, patting my back and forcing me to drink the orange juice she'd poured me earlier.
When I finally relaxed, I turned to find my mom watching me worriedly. "Sweetheart, your father and I have been meaning to talk to you about this and I can't wait any longer. Are you okay? You've been acting very strange for the past two weeks and it's not getting better. Why did you freak out over the news?"
I broke. "I'm falling for him, mom," I cried, the tears falling down my tired face. My skin was drying from all the tears. My swollen eyes hurt as the new batch of tears escaped.
I could see my mom trying to suppress her panic. Her arms came around my shoulders, pulling me to her. "Who?"
Feeling her fingers run through my hair, I let out a shaky breath. "Nick. We got together about two months after we moved back."
She abruptly pulled back, her eyes widening in fear. "No! Did he harm you? Did he touch you in any way? Oh my God," she rambled, tears welling up in her eyes, "I should've known. I should've suspected something! Is that why you've been so distant, so empty lately? He harmed you, didn't he? He did to you what he did to those girls! Oh, my God, I am going to bury him alive!" She was screaming by the end, her face red in rage. Her hands were shaking as she stood to walk away.
I panicked and stood up to follow her. I reached for her hands and grabbed them tightly, forcing her to look at me. "Mom, calm down. He didn't do anything to me, I swear. He was more than good to me. He never even looked at me in any way that made me uncomfortable. He was perfect. Please don't think about him that way," I pleaded, surprised to find that I was more saddened by my mom thinking that way about Nick than that fact that my own mom was so worried about me.
She blinked, the welled up tears in her eyes falling. "What? But he hurt those girls, Iris."
Taking a painful breath, I shook my head at her. "No, he didn't, mom. Those charges were dropped for a reason."
She gaped at me. "Because the victims were forced, Iris! He hurt them an-"
For the first time in my life, I interrupted my mom without regret. "No, mom, he didn't. The charges were dropped because of me. I caught the girls in a lie and I filmed it. They admitted to me they were lying about the accusations, mom. He didn't do anything! He doesn't deserve this!" I was crying again as I screeched at my poor mom.
She squeezed my hands, her manner calming down as she stared at me in shock. "What are you talking about?"
I sniffed and took in a deep breath. Then I looked up at her. Without restraint, I told her everything in excruciating detail. By the time I was done, we were sitting on the kitchen floor, crying our eyes out. She'd started bawling when I told her about what was happening with Nick's family. She got worse when I told her the truth behind Nick's case.
She continued to cry even after I had calmed down. So, I held her. Our families used to be so close; I'm sure she felt horrible for not being there for the Greys. I could hear the regret in her cries about what she was thinking and saying about Nick before.
"What are you two doing crying on the kitchen floor?" My dad's deep voice boomed through the room. I looked up to find him in his pajamas, looking at us in questioningly.
When my mom stood to run into his arms, worry overtook his features. He immediately wrapped his arms around her. He took a seat at the dining table, bringing her into his lap as she cried into his neck. He rubbed her back and arm, trying to offer her comfort as she let out some of the most painful cries I've ever heard from her. My mom was an easy crier but this was something else. Dad looked at me, silently asking me what was going on.
I opened my mouth to explain, but the ringing of my phone interrupted me. I almost fell over when I saw the name on the caller ID.
"Hello?" I said, not trusting my weak voice.
"Iris," Nick whispered. The pain in his voice shattered my heart all over again. I didn't know how much I'd missed his voice until now. I almost started crying again, especially once it dawned on me that he was crying. "Iris, I need you. My mom-she fainted."
The air escaped my lungs and I'm pretty sure I paled. "Oh my God! No, what? Is she okay? What happened?"
"The doctors said she was dehydrated...she wasn't taking care of herself," he sniffed, "she'll be okay, though. Eventually. But I-I need you, Iris. I'm falling apart. I'm losing myself and I don't know...I don't know what to do. I need you. Please."
I didn't even think about it, didn't stop to consider the past two weeks or his last words to me. "I'm here, Nick. I'll always be here for you. What hospital are you at?"
"St. Mary's."
"Alright, I'll be right there, Nick, okay? Don't worry."
He was breathing hard. I could tell he was still silently crying. "Iris?"
"Yeah?"
"I need you."
"I'm coming," I promised him, trying to stay strong and not break at how beaten he sounded, "I'm coming. I'll only be a few minutes."
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