CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR- Feel the first time, but never let go.
As soon as the car pulled up outside the gates of the hospital car park I shoved some random notes at the driver and then thanked him quickly before thrusting the door open and slamming it behind me. The rain was pouring all around and the clouds were thick and dense, maybe a bit like how I felt inside, as I began to sprint across the car park my footsteps slapping against the wet concrete as I kicked up water with me spurting all across my clothes but that was highly irrelevant. A low and loud rumble of thunder sounded and a few seconds later a fork of lightning was piercing the clouds into one of the fields ahead. I dis-regarded all these facts as I dodged a few cars and tried to ignore the ever whirring of the sirens and blue flashing lights surrounding me as I made a final break for the hospital’s main doors.
I suppose I was kind of thankful for the torrential rain as it covered the few tears that had foolishly escaped my eyes as I ran from the car here. The reception/waiting room was bright and well lit, and seemed way to brightly coloured for a hospital. Nobody was in there apart from a sleepy receptionist flicking through some papers in a blue nursing uniform. She looked up at me as I slid my hands into my pockets and dis-regarded my bags by the door and made my way over. Pushing her glasses further up her nose she looked tired to even make the movement of her neck to look at me and she raised her eye-brows. It didn’t surprise me that the place was scarcely empty as it was either really late at night or really early in the morning, I wasn’t going to waste any time merely checking the time. Everything else was irrelevant; I just really needed to be with Ash.
“Can I help you?”
She asked flatly with absolutely no enthusiasm at all as a nurse passed by rushing through the waiting room and through some double doors behind me.
“Uh, yeah. I’m here to see Ashley Dawson?”
She sighed rolling her eyes as she turned to her computer screen and typed a few things in.
“Do you know what room she’s in?”
She questioned, still blankly.
“No.”
I replied almost instantly, hoping to speed this up a little bit.
“Do you know what wing she’s in?”
She said speaking to me like I was two or something and I needed her to pronounce her words slowly and with over-exaggerated lip movements for me to understand.
“Not a clue. Can you just ring someone or something?”
I admitted and she just looked at me through her glasses as if I had just asked her to jump up right now and fly like she had wings to the other side of the world.
“I’m working on it, sweetie. But it’s not very helpful that you don’t know anything but her name.”
I was about to protest that I knew a lot more about Ashley than just her name but then I realised we weren’t thinking of this in the same context so I kept my mouth shut concluding I needed to be nice in order to get permission and some directions to her room, or wherever she was.
“What relation are you to Miss Dawson on family terms?”
She questioned raising her eye-brows and I sighed inwardly trying not to let my frustration show.
“I’m not, we’re um not family.”
I admitted and she nodded curtly.
“Oh sorry sweetie but she’s on strict family only visits. You’ll have to wait until morning and when it’s visiting hours, she’s classed as being in a critical state and even when it’s visiting hours we’ll have to ask her permission for you to see her.”
I felt my heart drop at that point, there was no way I was leaving it like this, I could not wait any longer to see my Ashley, not when she’s apparently in a ‘critical state’ it doesn’t even matter if she can’t speak to me or look at me or whatever, I just need to see her for real, know that she’s going to be okay.
“No, seriously, you don’t understand. She’s my girlfriend and I have to see her.” When she just looked at me with the same bored and blank expression I decided to continue. “I took the first flight out from America and I really can’t wait a matter of hours, if you ask her now, she’ll confirm that I can go and see her, please? You have to let me to see her.”
She didn’t even seem the slightest bit sympathetic, and to be honest, I think I deserved sympathy, surely she should be able to tell how fast my heart is racing right now and I’m literally quite the bit dying to just hold her or see her or something, just anything.
“I’m sorry but I can’t do that, you’re not family…Are you engaged?”
“No.”
I admitted and she shrugged not even seeming surprised by this.
“Well then I’m deeply sorry but I can’t let you have her details until the permission of the patient is-“
“Ask her then!”
“…During visiting hours.”
“What’s going on here?”
A tanned male doctor with some blue disposable gloves on came up behind the receptionist peering to look at the computer screen. The nurse whispered something to him and I just kinda stood there a bit taken aback by this while ordeal, I mean, who wouldn’t be? After they conferred between them the male doctor looked up at me.
“Son, do you really wish to see Miss Dawson right now?”
He asked me and I could already feeling my answer rolling off my tongue.
“Yeah, right now.”
I concluded and he nodded biting his lip.
“Right, okay, Patty, just let the boy go. It won’t do any harm. Just don’t put it on the records, alright?”
Patty was reluctant but she agreed looking up at me and giving a curt nod.
“Fine,” She grumbled. “Take the first lift on the right and she’s on floor one and in room 307.”
She informed me and I thanked them both greatly before darting off down the hallway towards the lift as they just watched me.
The lift couldn’t have been any slower and I found myself impatiently tapping my foot as it passed the floors and then stopped for what seemed like an eternity until the doors opened and I managed to squeeze through a small gap before they even opened properly, causing them to get a bit stuck but it was completely irrelevant as all the room numbers passed in a blur as I jogged down the hallway. But as I saw the digits 307 on the door I suddenly felt like I wanted to throw up again. What if her parents were in there? I couldn’t just walk in, after over a year of not seeing her parents and not knowing what they thought of me, I couldn’t do that. And besides, her Mum clearly doesn’t like me as she advised Ash to end things with me last year, painful times. What if they told me to go? To stay away from their daughter, what would I do then? Ashley wouldn’t let that happen, but they’re her parents, they have power, even if she isn’t a child anymore.
I decided that my fear of what her parents thought or did came underneath my desire to see her right now, and that Ashley and her health was more important than patching up civil friendships or rather understandings between her parents and I. So, shoving my hands into my pockets I swallowed the lump in my throat running an un-easy hand through my hair before reaching the door, I stopped. Un-sure of how this was going to go, was I going to break down with the sight of her again, in a hospital bed, in a critical state? Or was I just going to blank out completely and be unable to show emotion? That seemed un-likely; I always had trouble keeping things inside. Maybe, there was only one way to find out.
I was scarcely relieved that there was nobody inside her room as I peered through the window of the door, I could only just make out her slim and brittle body underneath the blankets and I grimaced slightly, I couldn’t even see her face, a few blonde locks were spilling out from underneath the covers but she was turned the other way, hooked up to machines and lying motionless. I pushed the door open my hands were ridiculously shaky and so were all my limbs as I closed it behind me and was careful to keep quiet as I rounded the bed almost scared to look at her and what she had become. Even through everything that had changed in her figure since we were together last year I still thought she was just as beautiful, and somewhere, beneath everything she’s done to herself over time I can still see her as my Ashley, however hard it is for other people to. I know, somewhere deep inside there’s that bubbly, over-thinking, beautiful, photography obsessed, funny, kind and just all around wonderful girl bursting to get out.
I closed my eyes for a few seconds as I sat down in the chair by her bed. Opening them again and tuning out the steady beeps of the machines around me I reached out a shaky hand and found her’s underneath the covers. I could feel no pulse around her wrist but I tried my best to compose myself as I felt her thin and small fingers against mine as I slipped them between the gaps between mine entwining them and giving her hand a gentle and brief squeeze. I then allowed myself to look at her face, her eyes were closed but they looked slightly swollen and her skin was hot and sticky with sweat, her lips were dry and cracked and were parted and she took long and wheezy breaths, but despite to this and her ‘critical state’ she was still breathtakingly beautiful even in this situation. She wasn’t really stirring a lot in whatever stage she was in right now, I didn’t’ know whether she was just asleep or un-conscious, and the thought of it being anything else scared me to death, quite literally. But I kept as calm as possible slowly bending forward I brushed some of her slightly damp hair from her eyes holding it in place above her forehead with one finger I let another rest on her jawline as I pressed my lips to her forehead in a sweet and gentle kiss.
After what seemed like about a minute I pulled away slowly arcing back up but I kept my hand entwined with hers as I brushed more hair from her face and just stared at her. Willing something, anything to happen to tell me she was okay. It was really killing me to think that she could be in pain or even minor dis-comfort, it seems stupid but I can’t even stand the thought of her hay-fever kicking in or something, I just hate the thought of her not being 110% content and I can’t shake it, ever.
“She’s sleeping.”
A deep and cracking male voice brought me from my thoughts and I snapped my gaze to the door purely unsure of how to react at all when I saw who the bearer of the voice was. Older and slightly greyer, also slightly more tanned, but other than that, completely recognisable by well, anyone, was her father.
For a moment, I just stared back at him, my mouth to dry and my senses absent I didn’t know what to say or do. He stared back at me, although he didn’t seem angry, protective or un-comfortable with me being so close and in such a fragile situation with his daughter right now, in their eyes, we had been broken up for over a year and were barely on talking grounds now, and I wondered, from where he was stood leaning in the doorway if he could see my hand holding hers. And I also wondered how long he had been watching me and if he had seen me kiss her forehead and examine her in such detail it wouldn’t be normal for someone who was supposedly an ex. In fact, as I stared back at his milky blue eyes, slightly lighter than Ashley’s with age he just looked…scared? Worried, even. I suppose, this was his daughter and if I was feeling downright petrified for my girlfriend, then I wonder how he felt for his daughter.
“I…Oh…That’s good, I suppose…”
Well, good first impressions are clearly not my forte, or rather, re-introductions. I wasn’t even sure if what I had just said made sense and it probably wasn’t what I was thinking, but maybe I would spare him what I really was thinking and feeling for his daughter right now. It was probably for the best.
He nodded, curtly and impassive as his eyes travelled to her small and way too slender finger curled up beneath many hospital blankets, so thin, fragile and tiny, it made me want to cry again. As if I hadn’t cried enough over this girl in the past year and the past few weeks where I’ve just been amerced in her issues within herself even more, making me unable to sleep at night sick with worry and dread about her. Then he looked back to me, his expression the same, sad and small, he couldn’t be bothered to question my presence here, which was good because however much I took pride in announcing she was my girlfriend, I didn’t feel like explaining myself, or rather Ashley and I, and our complicated yet so simple relationship.
“Her body is very tired. She needs her sleep, a lot…apparently. She…She was only out for about half an hour though, she’s just asleep…I don’t know how much you know if anything but she’s very malnourished at the moment so she’s on a drip and liquid food right now.”
If he hadn’t been there, watching me, the relationship he is to Ashley, I probably would have broken right there and then. Hearing those words, about how her body wasn’t strong enough to survive on it’s on and that it was so unkempt for she was having to have nutrition forced into her system through a tube, for that to happen to anyone, that’s dreadful, so somebody that means as much to you as Ashley does to me, heart-breaking doesn’t even begin to cover it.
“Is…Is she going to be o-okay though? I mean, she will get better…right?”
I felt pretty pathetic and small asking this to her father, her father. Who probably knew no more than me, after so long of being broken up with Ashley I was surprised he even recognised me. It wasn’t like I doubted that she had, had many boyfriends before me and possibly some in our gap year, not that I thought of her as someone who gets around a lot, but simply because inside and outside she’s just such a breath-taking girl, I couldn’t believe I was one of just a few to be able to call her my girlfriend, or at least say I had shared something or other with her. But maybe, it was just that at this moment, I had nobody else to turn to, nobody else to ask and he was my best shot, I just wanted, needed some answers from someone.
“I don’t know a lot more than you, Niall. Nobody does until she’s awake and has a bit more energy, I suppose she’ll be having tests done and such in the morning and all I know is she’s being transferred to the…to the intensive care unit tomorrow…I don’t know, nobody does, nobody really understands her right now. Everything’s very complicated…Look, it’s getting late so we’re probably gonna head home now, she won’t be coming home anytime too soon, so will you be joining us?”
He didn’t know, surely he could not know that I had just mere hours ago been on a plane here from America, the first flight out to see her, just to make sure she was okay. He didn’t know, or at least hadn’t guessed yet that Ashley and I were enduring a relationship again and that we were planning to be spending the next week together from tomorrow. Because if he did, he would have mentioned it, even in this situation, questions would be asked as Ashley was clearly not keen to give them. I was their next best guess, if he didn’t even know what I did know about her and her condition if anything then he clearly didn’t know what we were to each other again. Because even through the distance, something as dreadful and as heart-breaking that is what has happened to Ashley doesn’t go un-noticed by anyone, especially your significant other.
“Uhh no, thanks, but I think I’ll just stay here for a bit longer. See it through the night or something…”
I stuttered giving her hand another squeeze, hoping that sometime soon, even if she was asleep, that she would squeeze back, just some sign, that she was still somewhat okay.
“Right, if you’re sure. Those chairs aren’t very comfortable but if you’re sure…Just so you know Niall, I know she’s asleep right now but I’m sure she really appreciates it that you’re here, and so do I. It’s nice to see you again son, it’s been a long time.”
I still didn’t know what to say. What are you supposed to say? It wasn’t as if I knew her father that well, I had spent some time with him when I was round there waiting for Ashley to be ready for a date or something and I’d be roped in to game, which I didn’t really mind, and a few times I spoke to him on the phone for twenty minutes or so if I rang her home and he picked up. But most of the times I had been with him Ashley had been there too and we always had something else to do instead. I suppose back then, I was just thankful that he liked me and gave me his blessing to call his daughter my girlfriend of course under strict rules to treat her right, but I didn’t mind that, because I knew that if I could help it, I would always try my absolute best to treat her more than just right.
“Sure, thanks. It’s nice to see you too, sir.”
I stuttered mentally slapping myself, I always mess things up with speaking to him or someone closer to Ashley than me, always.
“Please, call me Michael, son.”
He smiled, but it was a small one, lacking happiness.
“Right, Michael.”
I forced a small smile back letting my gaze slip to Ashley for a split second.
“Well, I’ll see you around I suppose. It was nice to speak to you, Niall.”
“You too.”
I replied and then he left after pressing a kiss to his sleeping daughter’s cheek and then I really worried if he noticed our entwined hands but if he did, he didn’t say anything and then he left, meeting his wife I watched them from the window as they drove away, out the gates and towards their home, further away from their ill daughter. I wasn’t being disrespectful, but if I had a child and they were overnight in hospital in a ‘critical state’, I would never leave their side. Just like I didn’t want to leave Ashley’s.
There was no way I could sleep, not when she was like this, I hadn’t been able to sleep when I was away from her lately anyway, partially because I missed her and partially because I was just so worried about her. And at night, when everything finally settled down into silence and I was left with nothing but myself and an empty room and empty space next to me where she belonged, she was the person that forever occupied my thoughts. Some nights, good nights, it was just her and her alone, how amazing she was, how beautiful she was, how I could spend hours on end just talking, kissing and play-fighting with her and never feel the slightest bit bored, or how lucky and dumbfounded I was that I could actually call her mine again. But a lot of the time, I couldn’t stop the few tears that seemed to escape my eyes every time I thought about her and the pressure she puts herself under, not just with work and the stress and strain she has with her family relationships. But the pressure she puts on herself and herself alone, how she’s always striving to be perfect, how she has this…obsession with picking out every single minimal flaw she can see in herself and telling herself that it’s just not good enough and that she has to change. Mainly, in her body image, her figure, ever since I met her she had always been slightly in-secure but what girl wasn’t now a days? At first she was fine, she’d have her good days and her bad days but for the majority of the time, her eating was controlled but it was never extreme. And then about a month or two into our relationship, the hate on her really started to pour in and I can’t help but still feel guilty that this was what triggered it, that this was my fault. She started saying all these things, about how she wasn’t going extreme, she just wanted to tone up a bit, lose a bit of weight, she was always comparing herself to people like Faye, who, as a model was obviously a feasible person to compare yourself to. Despite me constantly venting my worries to her that she was fine, absolutely beautiful and that she didn’t need to change one bit she had always waved me off, telling me that I worried too much and that what she was doing, was nothing serious, it was just a few simple exercises and diet cuts. She did well to conceal it at first, and at one point, I even agreed to her small matter of factly changes she put into her life-style but then as time moved on and her diet got thinner and thinner and the hate on her was still positively pouring in. And that was when I concluded that I wasn’t going to just sit there and watch her waste herself away anymore, so we talked, and I managed to get her to ditch her exercises (apart from her morning jog which was almost acceptable.) and she started eating again and I think we both, truly believed that she was getting better and if not, was completely better. She’d have some bad days here and there but apart from that, she was a lot better and we would quite often have nights in, watching films (or just cuddling and kissing.) and eating so much junk we lost track and she didn’t seem to care anymore, most of her in-securities toned down massively, she was actually okay and honestly, after then was when everything seemed to go wrong and I mean everything. Of course we were still utterly in love but everyone seemed to turn against us and I think all the stress really took a toll on her confidence, she was under a lot of pressure, not only from herself but from other people too, always telling her she wasn’t good enough, not only in general, but not good enough for me. I was of course quick to say that if any of this was true, it was the other way around but she convinced herself that it was true, that she wasn’t good enough and that she did need to lose weight and change the way she looked, not only for the media but for me as well, and that killed me, really killed me how she thought she wasn’t good enough for me, her own boyfriend. However many times I told her she was perfect to me and didn’t need to change at all she was adamant that she did. And after that, with the distance, with tours, shows and everyone being against us I found myself unwillingly losing track of things with her and her confidence and when it got to the climax of our relationship approaching, as I look back I can’t pin-point exactly where it went wrong, exactly where she seemed to ditch all the progress she had made and wallowed herself into this pit of in-security and self-change again, and maybe I don’t even want to know. Too fearful, that in the core, the real reason, it was my fault.
I looked back down at her and her thin yet still beautiful face. Her lower lip began to quiver, ever so slightly and then he breathing got more hitched and raggedy and a few tears slipped down her pale complexion, brushing her cheeks and dripping onto her hospital gown. I leant forward brushing them away and pressing my lips to her nose for a few seconds. I just let my head rest on hers for a few seconds breathing in the scent of apples which I knew was from her shampoo. I squeezed her hand again and then, ever so slowly she began to come around. She tossed and turned a bit, letting out a few moans and then her eyes suddenly flicked open, immediately meeting with mine. For a second she looked confused and then as she stared back at me, she smiled, and I was so glad to see her smile, just that small movement, meant so much to me. She didn’t even say anything as she squeezed my hand back and then carefully propped herself up with her elbows and then leaned up wrapping her arms around my shoulders as she hugged me. She felt so weak and fragile that I couldn’t help but hug her back tighter scared she was going to break or something, or that just leaning up to hug me was too much for her.
“I’m sorry.”
She whispered into my ear, her voice was cracked and dry but I heard her and I was confused, very. But I let it slide for now as I just continued to hug her and feel the closeness of her skin against mine. Turning my head slightly I kissed her temple gently and then she opened her eyes and looked at me, bit her lip and then smiled again as she kissed my cheek in return. This was so…strange.
“Love, why are you sorry?”
I asked her and then she leaned back from me, still hugging me but she was just a little further away, but somehow, it still felt too far.
“Because…Because you’re here. And you’re supposed to be in America, you flew here, didn’t you?”
She questioned but she was still faintly smiling.
“No, I walked.”
I mused and she rolled her eyes.
“Shut up, idiot.”
She giggled and I just smiled brushing some hair from her eyes and tucking it behind her ear as she continued to smile at me and then rested her head on my chest her thumb caressing my shoulder through the material of my t-shirt.
“I’m being serious though. When did you get here?”
She questioned looking back up at me and staring straight at me waiting for an answer.
“Where? When did I land in England, or when did I get to-“
“This room, here, with me, plonker.”
She rolled her eyes playfully and I just smiled resting my forehead against hers.
“About half an hour ago?”
“Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“Because you need your sleep, and you shouldn’t even be awake now. Besides, you’re so cute when you sleep.”
She just looked at me and then she moved her hand and ran her fingers through my hair, moving it from my face as she just stared into my eyes and then she smiled again, every so small and faint, but it was there, that simple, small smile that I loved to see so much and even in more in a situation like this.
“Who says I need to be asleep? I’m talking to you.”
She mused and it kinda struck me how happy she seemed, giving the situation , she had never been this happy after something like this happening before and it confused me but at the same time I was glad because I would much rather her be happy for a strange reason than un-happy for the right one.
“Me. I say you need to sleep because you’re tired and I can tell…How are you feeling anyway?”
Her smile faded and she bit her lower lip looking down at the floor her eyes scanning the vacant marble flooring before she slowly looked back up at me, her happiness seemed to have dissolved into nothing again and she suddenly seemed tenser.
“I was avoiding talking about it you know, but I’m feeling okay, actually. My head just really hurts.”
“Well have you had some painkillers?”
She shrugged.
“I don’t know. I’m just drugged up on pretty much everything; it’s all a bit of a blur, there was so much going on at the same time.”
I’m just drugged up on pretty much everything. Great, wonderful, just what I needed to hear. Oh Ash, what have you done?
“Right, well would you like some painkillers?”
I offered and she shrugged again, it seemed as though I could guess more than she knew about her own situation at the moment and that really un-settled me, I mean, it can’t be nice, if I was her, I’d be demanding my answers from nurse or doctor or whoever. Not making assumptions on myself, but I know Ashley and she never likes to make a fuss, draw attention to herself, she’d rather suffer in silence than have someone else’s concern refusing to leave. I think it was just her way of simplifying things, because with Ashley, everything was more complicated than it needed to be and sometimes, she’d strive to change this, but it never would really come out on top. Always just below, and of course to her, that wasn’t good enough and whose fault was it again in her eyes? Her’s.
“I’ve taken so many tablets there was probably some painkillers in there somewhere, I’ll be fine honestly…Niall what’s the time?”
Sliding my phone from my pocket I felt her smile slightly at my wallpaper of me and her back in L.A, the time clearly displayed over it.
“It’s 3 in the morning, Ashley; you need to go to sleep love.”
I told her and she pouted giving me that look.
“Really Niall? I haven’t seen you in like 3 weeks and you haven’t even kissed me yet…I don’t want to go to sleep, I want you.”
She giggled and I raised my eye-brows entwining my fingers with hers closer this time.
“Ashley have you had some medicine that makes you go all giggly or something?”
I questioned smirking and she shrugged carelessly looking around.
“I don’t know…Maybe…What do you think?”
She giggled and I rolled my eyes.
“Yes, I think you have, but right now, you need to calm down and go to sleep alright? We’ll talk in the morning.”
“What are you talking about Niall, you said it’s 3 in the morning, it is the morning.”
“Ash…”
“What?”
“Go to sleep.”
She considered this for a moment tapping her chin with a finger and making a face as she looked at the ceiling. She’s definitely had something that’s made her go a bit funny.
“Kiss me goodnight?”
She piped up and I rolled my eyes playfully as she giggled cocking her head to the side.
Giving in to her suggestions and mostly temptation I covered her lips with mine, lightly and softly as if with her current state she was fragile, which she felt, like she could break any second. She kissed back almost instantly which kind of took me by surprise as I was only planning on a short and sweet peck judging by the situation and her current fragile state even if she insisted she wasn’t. But she seemed overly keen and out of character, maybe it was the medicine, but I couldn’t help but feel that ever since I got that news from Ellie about her collapsing and then as soon as I got here and saw her for the first time, something had changed. Like somewhere, in the world, something small had shifted. As the world turned around, forcing small things into different positions something important shifted and in our world, mine and Ashley’s world, this affected us somehow, just the thought and feeling that somewhere, somehow, change was evadible.
Observing we weren’t getting very far I reluctantly pulled away and she pouted again, and I almost caved into those eyes but then I looked around me and realised where we were again and that this was more serious than she realised right now. So, ignoring the craving to feel her lips against mine again since it had been a while I gave her a small smile. But suddenly, she didn’t seem so happy and she began to get tenser and shakier, her happiness favouring itself into fear, I was understandably confused.
“What’s that noise?”
She whined suddenly clinging onto me tighter and flinging her arms around my neck burrowing her had into my shoulder. I absentmindedly engulfed her into my body, letting her cave into it as I rubbed soothing circles in the small of her back, feeling her flinch with each circle she slowly got better and soon she felt more relaxed.
“Ashley love there’s nobody here but me and you…Now are you ready to lie down and go to sleep now?”
She pulled back looking up at me with wide eyes which I could now see tears gathering in.
“I…Will you please stay with me?”
She asked timidly looking at the bed and then around the room as if searching for someone, something that gave her a reason to be scared.
“Of course I will. Just lie down…” I cooed slowly leaning forward and placing her back underneath her covers but she still clinged onto me, reluctant to let go. “And I promise I’ll be here when you wake up.”
Somehow, somewhere inside of me I had a flash of that day, mere days after I met her and we were in this exact same position, with me sat by the side of a hospital bed as she lay motionless, hooked up to machines and such. Something's always happening, I guess nothing ever is perfect. But right now, every second I spend with her I feel so blessed to have her back it almost always feels like the first time again. That excitement, that feeling I got when I first met her.
She began to close her eyes but suddenly she snapped them back open, fear flooding her face she sat back up bolt upright and shook her head vigorously.
“No. I don’t want to sleep there.”
She refused and I sighed inwardly already leaning forward and tracing my hands up her thin and fragile waist slowly lifting her up and she smiled then, letting herself be lifted with ease as I brought her from the hospital bed and onto my lap. As she happily burrowed herself into my chest I leant forward bringing the several blankets from the bed I draped them over us making sure she was covered I folded my arms around her as she played with the zip on my jacket slipping into sleep already. But then I felt her move again, reaching down and snaking her hands underneath the blankets she let her fingers travel down to my thigh finding my hand she gently enclosed her tiny one into my palm, folding her fingers over mine and between them. And as we both smiled, she still had her eyes closed but I could tell she could feel it too and even through her absent state she was a bit more sober now. And then, closing her fingers in tighter she smiled snuggling into me as she tightened her fingers around my hand and giving it a squeeze, but she never did loosen it again. Just showing, silently, that like me, she never wanted to let go.
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A/N.
hey hey bitches(:
howss it hanging brah?
trollol.
guys guys guys....let's try and get as many votes as possible on this chapter okaay, I wanna see how many I can get;o pleease!
omg right last night I went to a dance show with ze best friend yeah, cus the dance school that it was we both went to for yeeeaars and it really reminded me how excited I used to get when we were in the dressing rooms queuing up the stairs waiting to go on like lol. Awh I remember when I used to dance:3 and all the costumes, make-up, hair-styles. haha.
but omg my best fren has dislocated her elbow the silly mare. She got thrown off a horse onto the road yesterday smh that bitch.
love her really.
I have orthodentist tomorrow;o can't wait to see what they have to say about my brace being completely broken. oh well it's not like I have anymore than a week left of it anyway:)
see you laters bbz.
-Emily.