I just held tightly onto the teddy - a happy memory now to stay a memory.
Never to be repeat.
Never to be lived again.
Not on any birthdays or holidays.
Just never again.
*Tommy's POV*
I just couldn't believe it. Why do such things always have to happen to her. And even I didn't know Tory that much, I liked her. She's the one who brought Liz back to me. And now she's dead and Liz completely broken.
After Billie called me, I took the keys and drove as fast as possible over to them.
"Billie!"
"Tommy! Did you see the news?"
"Yes...please don't tell me that it was exactly that plane..." But alone the mood told me that it was. I sat down. "Where's Liz? How is she doing?"
"She's sitting outside. We can't get her inside - she refuses. We'll have to wait for Tre to come. He's the one who picked her up. He's the one who can talk the best to her."
"I just can't believe it. How is such a great girl like Liz' able to loose four loved persons in ten years...I just don't get it. It hurts seeing her broken!" I said. A few minutes later Mike stepped through the door and right behind him Tre;
"Where is she?" he seemed to be completely shocked.
"Outside. Please get her at least inside." Billie said.
*Liz' POV*
I'm just so sick of this world...of this life...of everything. I don't want to wake up and face another funeral of a friend. I just can't!!!
"Lassie?" I heard Tre's presence behind me. He sat down next to me, holding on one arm of the teddy. "You're freezing. Here, I brought you a jacket."
I didn't move. I simply wasn't able to. He put it onto my shoulders This sudden warm felt good. Then he put his arm around me.
"This world is fucked-up." he said. I nodded and held tighter onto the teddy. I was scared that if I'd let him go, the memory get's washed away. "We'll, whos that?" he pointed at the teddy.
"She won him for me on my birthday. Three years ago. It was such a great day. Now just to be a memory. Never to be lived again, never to be repeated again." I answered.
"But that's not true. Every memory lives. It lives in your head. You can remember everything and remember it all the time you want to. That's the sense of a memory. Being able to repeat it all the time where and when you want." he said, holding me closer to him. "How 'bout we get inside, Mike makes us a hot chocolate, Tommy puts some music on and you'll share that memory you've been holding on so tightly? Let it live and repeat it in our heads." I nodded. He helped me up and lead me inside the kitchen. It felt good to be in the warm kitchen, the hot chocolate being in front of me. Tre sat right next to me, squeezing me softly. I was still holding the teddy, and together with him the memory.
"Come on - let it slowly go and share it with us. Let it live in our heads." he told me and put his hand onto the teddy. I let go. He didn't put it away. It just sat there. "Share it with us whenever you're ready - we're here to listen to you." he said, patting my shoulder, and taking his hand slowly away from the Teddy. I looked at it all the happy memories. Then I opened my mouth, but closed it again. After I looked up, I started to talk:
"It was a few weeks before my thirteenth birthday. We went to the Prater - it's a big funfair in Vienna. We went rollercoaster driving and did almost everything. It costed a lot of money and I've spent almost all of my savings." I had to smile a bit "After we've done almost all of the rollercoasters and other attractions, there was this stand where you had had throw balls at cans. Then you were allowed to pick a plush toy. Demands on how many shots you've bought. She tried at least five times. Then she finally shot that Teddy. We were happy and out of money. She just turned around to me and gave it to me. She told me that she wanted to take me to a rock shop in Vienna - I didn't know it back then - and I should pick a band shirt I wanted. But after that funfair, we were both broke, so she gave me that Teddy. And I remember telling her that it was better than getting me a T-Shirt. We hugged and made our way over to Nate's. His parents weren't in for a few days and even though Emily and her stupid friends called names after us, no one would be able to ruin this day. We were listening to music, eatng fast food and just having fun as friends. I showed Nate the Teddy and he was joking about it being our pet and that we three are unstoppable. He killed himself one week later - but this Teddy had just all of the memories in it - I wanted to put it onto his grave, but Tory stopped me. She told me that it's still our pet and Nate is still with us - in our memories. And I'm sometimes so scared that when I let it go, I'll loose all of the great memories." I finished the story. It was quiet. I realized I was crying and Te hugged me. I held tight onto him. He made me feel safe. Just like all the others in the room here.
"Let's get you to bed. Get some sleep. We'll come tomorrow, ok?" Tre said. I nodded. He brought me upstairs and put the Teddy on it's usual spot.
Falling to sleep wasn't easy, but I managed it after all.
But I didn't get much of it. I woke up very early in the morning. I got up and went down to the kitchen, to find Billie sitting there, drinking coffee.
"Morning." I mumbled. I felt just numb. I didn't cut, but I felt so numb. He mumbled back and hugged me. I didn't want to let go, but did after all. After I saw the clock, I realized that I could even go to school - together with Jake.
"You're not thinking about school?" he asked me.
"Yes, I am. Better go there and act like nothing happened."
"Are you sure about it?"
"Yes. I'll try." I answered, sipping on my coffee.
"Look, if it get's to hard, if you feel like you can't stand it, just call. No matter who - Joey, Adie, me, Mike, Tre, Tommy - whoever. We'll come and pick you up, ok? And if ths Emily says something stupid, teach her a lesson. With your fist." he gave me a smile. I hugged him again and left the house.
At the bus stop, I saw Jake, but he didn't see me. He was talking to some friends. I got in and sat down at the very end, music blasting into my ears.
Like every morning before school, I went to the parking lot and light up a cigarette, when Abbey camme running to me, hugging me.
"I'm so sorry - Ryan just told us." she let go, but hugged me again. I let it be. "Why are you here? How can you even be here?"
"If it gets too much, I'll go home. But better act normal, right?" I replied. we entered the building. I tried to avoid any looks and Jake - which was hard. But he saw me already.
"Dad just let you leave the house?"
"Told me that if it gets too much I should call."
I didn't pay attention during the lessons. I was just sitting there, being the whole day on the verge of tears. During lunch period I avoid Emily as best as possible. When she entered the cafeteria, I left. When she was near the spot I was, I left. The others didn't say anything about it. They knew how Emily was - especially to me. They just followed me when decided to run away from her.
During the last period, the teacher decided to talk about the plane crash from yesterday night and plane crashes and death. I felt how breathing got harder for me and that I became panicky. Abbey saw this and raised her hand. I signalized her not to - I didn't want anyone to notice me
"Excuse me, I'm not feeling good. May I please go to the nurse?" Abbey said. The teacher nodded. "I'll take Lisa with me - just in case." she added.
"Good idea." the teacher said and went on with talking. but actually it was Abbey bringing me out of the building.
"Thanks. I-"
"First, calm down and breath steadily. There's nothing to thank for. Do you get these panick attacks often?"
"Depends. Mostly in situations like that. I think I'll stay at home for the next few days. Tomorrow I have an appointment set with an therapist. We talked about this yesterday even before, well, y'know."
"That's a good idead. C'mon, let's get going. Ryan's waiting alread in the car. School will be anyways over in a few mins."
"I'd rather walk home. I can't really stand being around people. But thanks though." I said and turned around. Walking home would take me at least an hour. But I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted to lay in my bed, being left allone with my thoughts.
After twenty minutes, Ryan's van almost stopped next to me.
"Liz, c'mon, we'll get you home."
"I rather walk." I replied, going along.
"Liz, it's gonna start raining soon. Please, do me that favour and get into the car." I sighted and got in next to him. It was completely quiet. No one else was in the car. Just him and me.
"Where are the others?"
"They can wait. I was just worried." he answered, turning off the radio.
"Worried about what?"
"You making something you'll regret later." he pulled into our driveway. Billie was already waiting at the door.
"Thanks for the ride." I said and left the car. He looked at me, nodded over to Billie and drove back to school. I just hugged Billie. "I never wanna leave the house again."
He led me inside and gave me a cup of coffee. I sipped occasionally on it, but I didn't make much effort to enjoy it.
*Ryan's POV*
I drove back to school to pick up the others. I never saw Liz in a state like that. So empty, but full of sadness.
"Did you bring her home?" Abbey asked as they got into the car. I nodded.
"What if she kills herself? What if anything happens take makes her pull that trigger?" Emma worried out loud.
"She's got for tomorrow an appointment set. They made it even before the crash." Abbey informed us. "I just can't believe Tory's dead. I like her - she was nice." she added. We all nodded to that. Tory was that kind of friend's friend that everybody likes.
But I was more worried about Liz - she's our friend, our bandmate, our genius. And I love her. I love that girl from the deepest of my heart. And I breaks me to see her in a state like that. It just brakes me.
*Liz' POV*
No matter when, there was all the time someone with me.
"Billie, thanks for everything. But don't you have a tour to play in a few weeks?"
"A tour can be cancelled. Family is more important."
"But these are your fans. They all bought the tickets, some of them being happy as fuck to finally see their favorite band live, some of them are happy to see the band that saved them. Don't cancel the tour just because of me. Please." he sighted. I got up and went into my room. I pulled out the photoalbum with all these memories and opened a side with no photos in them. I painted it green - Tory's favourite coulour and wrote with black onto it:
1997 - forever. I was laying on the ground while you held out your hand for me.
I had a lot of photos. But I picked the ones from the day when she gave me the Teddy.
I closed the photoalbum again, because I wasn't able to look at the pictures. All of them were memories, and only a few to be repeat.