I'm posting this chapter now because I heard the 'Reverser' episode is coming out the 23rd.
PROLOGUE
"Did you see the 'Troublemaker' episode?!" I asked as we exited the bakery.
Amelie nodded and lit yet another cigarette, "Zee story waz very fun."
"And the part when Sabine started using the peel like a battle staff!" I gushed, "It was like she really was The Candlestick Maker!"
Amelie paused, "...What?"
"Peel. It's what you call those wooden sticks with the flat end that bakers use to pull bread out of ovens—"
"No, Zee Candlestick Maker? What iz zat?"
"Oh right!" I slapped myself for not realizing, "I make little headcanons for the side characters. You know, some silly explanations for why they do certain things. Sure, you could say Sabine learned that twirling move from a sport or a self-defense class—"
"Or becauze she iz Chineez," Amelie suggested.
"Or, yes, you can be a complete racist and say it's because she's Chinese, but in my fic, Marinette's parents are secretly retired supervillains."
The off-duty officer regarded me with an odd look, "You write... fanfiction, Monsieur Big?"
"I never mentioned that? Yeah, it's an awesome way to interact with the fan community over the stuff we love." I started to list off various other online Miraculous fansites I frequented that had some good fics until I noticed this somber, almost embarrassed face Amelie was making. "Wait... Amelie, do you write fics too?"
She puffed out some smoke and whispered, "I do not. I...uh... how you zay? Crossplay?"
"Crossplay? Do you mean... Cosplay?"
"Oui, pleaze do not tell otherz." A slight blush crossed her cheeks and I was instantly filled with the need to support my nicotine addicted friend.
"Amelie, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Cosplaying is a beloved pastime." I took her hand, "Do you mind if I see your outfits?"
She looked away, "I only drezz in private."
"I won't take any pictures and I won't laugh, I promise. I only want to see how good you are." Her timidness soon vanished and she nodded.
Later:
"BAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!"
"Ztop laughing!" Amelie's furiously burning cheeks were made a rosy purple shade under the bright blue makeup. This plus the red ball bobbling on top of her head gave her the appearance of a deformed teletubbie! "You zaid you would not laugh!"
"That was before I knew you cosplayed as The Bubbler! WHY?! BAAHHAHAHAHAH!"
"Unlike you, American, zee French are proud of our clownz!"
"You shouldn't be! You really shouldn't!" were the last words I said before Amelie shoved me out of her apartment and locked the door.
...TO BE CONTINUED...
Miraculous Headache
Chapter 15: StonedBy: I Write Big
The magical mysticism of heroes is that they not only protect the downtrodden and weak, they also inspire. Unfortunately, as Paris was now learning, inspiration isn't always good.
"It's time to roost, criminal scum!" proclaimed Principal Damocles. He flapped his flimsy cardboard owl wings and chased the bank robbers.
Down the street, a couple kids were drawing dicks on a petrified stoneperson who had the misfortune of being forever frozen in a nosepicking position. A raggedy Mr. Ramier, dressed like a pigeon, leaped into view and accused the children, "Vandalism! This will not stand! Attack, my pretties of justice! RRROOO!" At his call, a flock of pigeons dove down, plucked the stoneperson off the ground and flew away.
Across the block, a grandmother made the mistake of jaywalking. Her limbs were promptly broken by a guy wearing a black beret with a human skull on it. He growled down at the bleeding senior citizen, "I'm the French Punisher and I just sacre blew out your kneecaps!"
The image shrank to the corner of the TV screen and the news reporter Nadia Chamak smiled. "That was the latest amateur news footage provided to us from young reporter Alya. In the wake of Stoneheart's destructive rampage, thousands of euros in damages were incurred and the number of missing continues to rise. Despite the rapidly growing number of vigilantes storming Paris, the estimated 500 innocent Parisians trapped in stone remain as such. Scientists give them until the end of the day to live. We now go to the mayor."
"In hindsight," Mayor Bourgeois addressed the crowd of reporters, "outright legalizing vigilantism has its problems, but it is a necessary sacrifice to keep our city safe."
"I am Gun-Man!" Officer Roger jumped in front of the camera wearing multiple pistols, revolvers, machine guns, shotguns, sniper rifles, regular rifles, semi-automatic rifles, fully automatic rifles, and one bubblegum-pink watergun filled with acid.
Marinette's terrorfied hands snapped the TV remote in half, "Oh, isn't life amazing..." she whimpered. "DAD!" she whipped around to her father who scrambled to hide the great bread shield and bladed candelabra behind his back. "Paris is a safe place to live, right?"
"Absolutely, honey!" Tom nodded. "With Ladybug, Chat Noir, and all these new street heroes running around, the only people who should be worried are the villains." He awkwardly chuckled, "Not that me and your mother are really supervillains! Caring parents turning out to be the bad guys? That's ridiculous! HAHAH! Can you leave the room?"
"So what you're saying is..." Marinette leaned closer, filled with hope. Tom nearly dropped the ancient jade mask and giant rolling pin behind his back. "I don't have to feel guilty about any of this?"
"I have zero clue why any of what we're talking about would make you feel guilty but if it makes you leave the room, then yes."
Her choice to abandon the city to its doom validated, Marinette hugged Tom tightly, "Thanks dad, you're the best." The loving act pushed Tom against the hidden button under the blender that LOUDLY opened the secret passageway to The Baker and The Candlestick Maker's Evil Lair behind the TV. "What was that?" Marinette tried to turn towards the noise.
"Good talk, Marinette, go to school now, love you, bye!" said Tom before he shoved his daughter out of the room.
Marinette scooted up the stairs, thinking her dad's odd attitude was probably due to too much baking soda or something. It didn't matter. What mattered was that she didn't have to worry about Paris being overrun with cape wearing freaks while hundreds of people remain trapped in stone. Why? Because she quit. And there was no shame in that. People quit all the time! If America could quit the Paris Climate Agreement, then Marinette could quit saving people's lives.
Marinette the Quitter threw on her bookbag only to see the strange octagonal box that now housed the inactive Miraculous earrings. She supposed by the cosmic rule of Finder's Keepers she had some responsibility to choose someone else to become Ladybug.
Or maybe she could toss them down the garbage disposal.
Unfortunately, when she ran back to the kitchen, she found the garbage disposal was broken by her dad trying to grind some kind of giant baguette shaped like a sword. Must've gone stale or something.
Meanwhile, at the Agreste Mansion:
"And who was the leader of the revolt?" droned Nathalie, barely paying any attention to the only student at the table.
"T'was, the bastard Verdugo, madame. Support relied heavily on the how sexually attractive the leader was, as with most human revolts."
Nathalie sighed and pulled the blonde wig off DB-M-9K. "What are you doing, Slave?"
The machine's single red eye smiled sheepishly at her, "Apologies, madame. The young master outsmarted me."
She blinked, "...How?"
An hour ago:
DB-M-9K's lasers scanned the entirety of the walled off front yard of the mansion grounds. If anything physically broke the lasers, alarms would trigger! Gates would shut! Sink holes would open! There was no way out.
Chat Noir hopped out his window to the next building's rooftop with a triumphant, "Haha!"
"Oh dear..." muttered DB-M-9K.
Now:
"You know what, I don't care." Nathalie threw up her hands and marched out of the mansion.
"He's taken to wearing leather," advised DB-M-9K.
Across the city:
Adrien was free as bird! A moldy flip-flop wearing bird! After escaping, he had de-transformed and was now heading straight for the promised land! No longer would he be imprisoned in that cold building that was filled with nothing but neglect and misery. He was going to school! The other cold building that was filled with nothing but neglect and misery and also other kids his age! It was everything he ever wanted! Of course, he'd need to establish his dominance there. According to anime, schools were places where anarchy reigned supreme. He was likely to encounter monsters, secret societies, and magical schoolgirls. Good thing he had already fashioned a shank out of that silver spoon that was oddly in his mouth at his birth.
At school:
"I call it: The Ladyblog!" The title was emblazoned across a red and black polka-dotted website. Alya eagerly swiped down the page, "I already got tons of views, fan-theory tabs and millions of roleplaying chats. Like, it's creepy how many of the Ladybloggers are role-playing her into doing some fucked up merde."
"It's... a pun," whispered Marinette and then snickered, "I love puns!"
"...You do?"
"Yeah! They're so clever. I'm surprised no one does them anymore," Marinette sighed in longing to hear more of her favorite form of humor. "Anyway, you probably might want to hold off on building Ladybug up so quickly."
"Ohohohoho, silly, uninformed, stupid Marinette," Alya wrapped an unwanted arm around the bluenette's shoulders, "That ain't how the internet works. You gotta latch onto everything while it's still popular and never let go until it gets old. Besides, she's a real freaking superhero!"
Marinette nodded while trying to pull out of that unwanted arm, "Yeah, but who knows? Maybe that was a one time thing. Maybe she quit. There's no shame in that."
Instantly, Marinette was pushed away and the bespectacled girl pointed an accusatory finger at her, "Denouncer! Non-believer! SHAME!" Alya ran into the school, screaming, "Ladybug is our savior! She will never abandon us! SHAME! SHAME! SHAAAAAAAAAAAAME!"
The words echoed in Marinette 'The-Ever-Giver-Upper' Dupain-Cheng's conscious. She marched into the building muttering, "Don't listen to her, you just gotta dump these earrings on somebody else. They'll become the new Ladybug and nothing bad will happen as long as Ivan doesn't get angry again."
"IVAN ANGRY!"
"Gah!" Marinette nearly jumped out of her pink jeans at the shout that came from the crowd of students surrounding Ivan.
"Yeah, you were just like that, Ivan," agreed Kim. "Great impression."
The tall boy looked past his classmates with a dopey smile. Marinette followed his gaze to his secret crush Mylene. "Ivan cool?" asked Ivan.
"Eh..." everyone rubbed the back their heads awkwardly.
"Oh yes! You were so cool!" praised Chloe.
Every person in that school building nearly choked.
Chloe continued, "If by 'cool', you mean the most uninspired, unoriginal, most boring monster ever! Come on! Rock monster? How pathetic!"
Every person in that school building breathed easy.
"Ivan smash Chloe!" roared the child giant. He tore a car-sized chunk of concrete out of the floor and raised it high! He stomped over to Chloe who stood there with a smug bitchy smile. The entire school, faculty included, cheered him on.
"Eep!" Mylene squeaked in fear and ran away.
The sight made Ivan's hatred vanish and he dropped the concrete on Fred the janitor instead, much to the disappointment of the school. Ivan huffed his way across the building.
"Okay, this sucks," Marinette admitted to herself and begrudgingly followed Ivan. "But you know what, I'd rather be a babysitter than a superhero." Somewhere in Paris, young Manon felt a disturbance and knew she needed to burn Marinette soon.
If Marinette had stayed a little longer, she'd have had the opportunity to meet Adrien. The boy had successfully made it inside the school this time. He scanned the yard, trying to make himself look tough. "Rule number one, find the strongest looking guy in the yard and kick his ass," he muttered to himself.
"Hey there, sonny," a rubble-covered Fred the janitor greeted him, "Is this your first day?"
Adrien tore the mop out of Fred's hands and broke it over Fred's head. The adult collapsed into the hole Ivan made. "Adrikins! You came!" Chloe joyfully hugged him. This kicked off waves of other students noticing Adrien.
"I've seen him before!" said one boy.
"Isn't he a model?" asked another boy.
"He's so handsome!" swooned the third boy. Everyone stared at the third boy. "What? You were all thinking it!"
Nobody denied that.
Meanwhile, in the locker room:
Ivan was huddled against the locker wall, the confusion of adolescent crushes leaving him in a grumpy mood. Marinette sat next to Ivan and said, "By the laws of comedy, my helping you with your relationship issues comes with a 60% chance of you falling in love with me. I don't want to deal with that, so I'm gonna make this very clear." Marinette slapped him across the face and shouted, "I don't like you! Got it?"
Ivan nodded in fear.
"Great. Go tell Mylene you like her like Ladybug told you."
Ivan grunted in confusion, "How you know Ladybug—"
Again Marinette slapped him across the face. "All girls know each other and all girls tell each other their secrets. It's a girl thing. Trust me, I'm a girl. Go tell Mylene you like her."
The young giant groveled in embarrassment, "Ivan no words good."
The young hero-quitter grumbled in annoyance, "Then you can use flowers or chocolates or—"
"Song!" Ivan's eyes lit up, "Ivan write song!"
"Eh..." Marinette rubbed the back of her head awkwardly, "Music is kinda subjective. The two of you might have differing musical tastes. Plus, 'Ivan no words good', remember?"
"Ivan sing song! Make Mylene love Ivan!" proclaimed the boy and he ran off, chuckling like an idiot.
"This was a bad idea," groaned Marinette.
Meanwhile:
Adrien was on top of the world! Not only had he successfully asserted himself as someone the monsters, secret societies and magical schoolgirls shouldn't mess with, he was also getting a tour! He was being led through the hallways with Chloe on his arm. Students left and right held out magazine ads he modeled in for his autograph. It was a little off putting to have strangers worshipping him without Ape-Man guarding him, but this was living life on the edge.
"And here we are, Adrikins!" bubbled Chloe as they entered the classroom. Most of his new classmates already filled the seats. "I saved one just for you in front of moi!"
Adrien sat down next to his new cellmate, a boy who wore glasses like Father. But unlike Father, Adrien had a feeling this boy wore them more out of necessity rather than as a fashion statement. "So, you're Chloe's friend, huh?" the boy sneered. "How rich are you?"
Adrien excitedly opened a dictionary to 'rich' and pointed to the diagram, "That's my Father."
The other boy's glasses slipped off his face and for some reason Adrien could've sworn euro signs replaced his eyeballs. Weird. "My man! Broseph! Fellow rebel!" The boy took Adrien's hand and forced him to go through some intricate handshakes, high fives, and fist bumps. "Look at us! What is happening here? There is a connection! I can tell! We have a vibe, dude!"
"It's not 'dude', it's pronounced 'Adrien.'" Adrien wondered why people kept getting his name wrong.
"And you can call me Nino. The two of us are gonna be the best of friends, dude! You ever in the need of somebody to hold your wallet, I totally got your back, campadre."
"You talk a lot like my magical cat."
A third voice interrupted this blossoming friendship, "Thank you, Mistress. I will cherish this forever."
Adrien turned towards the odd words to find a redheaded girl kneeling before Chloe while cradling a chewed up wad of gum. Chloe scoffed, "You idiot, Sabrina. Put the gum on Marinette's chair."
"Chloe!" Adrien stood in shock as Sabrina obeyed the order. "Why are you making your servant do that?"
"Trust me, the girl sitting there needs to be put in her place."
Adrien looked down at the wad of gum. It waited for an innocent pair of pants to ruin. Morally speaking, such an act was atrocious. But in school, morals mean nothing. Only the strong survive. From the cursory glances he took of the class, Adrien could tell these were the coldest sons of bitches he'd ever face. If he didn't want to be perceived as weak, he would need to outdo Chloe. He knelt over the chair and began to pry away the gum.
Just outside, Alya and Marinette were wrapping up a conversation. "Hypothetically speaking," Marinette prompted, "if you were forced to become a superhero completely against your will and you totally fucked it up..."
"Oh, I would immediately dump those powers on you before anybody found out," Alya answered without hesitation.
"Really?"
"No question. I would go straight to you, distract you with some kind of ironically relevant question and slip whatever magical item grants those powers into your bag. Why do you ask?"
The always quitting Marinette dropped the octagonal box into Alya's bag, "Just thinking out loud."
They then entered the classroom and Marinette saw Adrien hunched over her chair.
"What are you doing?!" demanded Marinette.
"Oh! This must be your seat." Adrien gave the girl his best model smile. "Sorry, there was some chewing gum on there and I was scraping it off for you."
At first, she didn't believe him, but something about this new boy's honest charm and moldy flip-flops disarmed Marinette, "...Oh. Well, thank you very much. How kind of you. I'm Marinette." She held out her hand.
He took her hand with a gentle shake, "Adrien."
And then he shanked Marinette in the gut repeatedly. After she had collapsed from blood loss, Adrien snarled at the rest of the class and showed off his sharpened red and silver spoon, "And don't any of you forget it!" He took his seat next to Nino.
Nino nodded in respect, "Right on, dude."
Thankfully, Marinette was able to grab her emergency medkit taped under her original desk before Chloe kicked her away. With a silent glare pointed squarely at Adrien, she silently bandaged her wounds and took her gum-free seat.
Alya uploaded the entire ordeal to her 'I Totally Ship Them' Blog.
Meanwhile, downstairs:
Mylene burst out of the girl's room! She had spent too long changing her dread beads or whatever you want to call it and was going to be late for class! She ran straight into heavily breathing Ivan.
"Ivan! Y-You...," she nervously fidgeted then smiled hungrily, "You scaaared me." She caught herself and pretended to be afraid again, "I mean, what do you want from me, here, alone, where nobody could hear me scream for help?"
"Sooooong..." moaned the behemoth and raised his smartphone. He pressed play and ear-splitting hard rock blasted from the phone speakers. Ivan then proceeded to sing the loving lyrics he had painstakingly put to paper for 18 whole minutes. He sounded like an orc gargling sewer water.
The romantic message was clear to Mylene and it nearly made her swoon, "Oh my..." She caught herself and ran, "No! I'm not ready!"
Furious at his failure, Ivan crumpled the lyrics page and sat down.
Meanwhile:
In a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man throwing holy water on his face. "Begone, demon! I damn thee!"
"Ohhoohoohoo!" cackled Nooroo. "How refreshing. You'll have to do better than that, Gabriel. But wait..." they turned to the window. "It seems Ivan is ready for round two. Shall we?"
The black butterfly in the head of his cane apparated out and fluttered through the window. "You monster! Can't we give him more cartoonish powers? Something like giant bubbles or the power of the internet? He's only a child!" Gabriel cried as he fruitlessly clawed at the escaping insect.
"Yes," agreed Nooroo, "And children make the best soldiers."
The dark messenger flew across the city and landed on Ivan's crumpled page of lyrics. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face. He saw the masked face of a panicking man, "Don't listen to me! Cover your ears!"
"How Ivan cover ears if Ivan no listen?" pondered Ivan.
The silver-masked man's face snapped from terrorfied to conniving and an almost completely different voice came from his lips, "Here we go again, Ivan. This time I got you an army to cover your rock hard ass. Have fun! Heeheeheehaaahahaahh!" For a second time, Ivan was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into Stoneheart! His glowing green eyes flashed and across the city the hundreds of petrified stonepeople came to life!
Back at the classroom:
"Agreste, Adrien," called Miss Bustier, reading off the class roster.
The blonde was immediately confused until Nino nudged him, "She's checking if you're here."
Not wanting to anger the warden, Adrien jumped to his feet and shouted, "Present!"
The entire class, except Marinette, snickered much to his embarrassment. He shrunk back into his seat. As Miss Bustier continued, he wondered why this school wasn't going the way he had seen in his animes. Had he been wrong? Nearly an hour gone and nothing had interrupted them. Zero magical schoolgirls. No secret societies. And absolutely no monst—
"MYLENE!" roared Stoneheart as be broke through the classroom door.
"Finally! This is what I've been waiting for!" Adrien celebrated and ran out to transform.
The great rock monster picked up the cowering Mylene. "Oh no, I've been taken by a huge, hulking monster," Mylene shuttered in ecstasy. Then she remembered everyone was watching and pretended to be afraid, "I mean, oh nooo! Heeelp! I've been taken by a huge, hulking monster!" Her performance was not convincing.
"Stoneheart love Mylene forever!" Stoneheart shouted and then picked up Chloe. "Stoneheart smash Chloe forever!" Rather than using either of the two Stoneheart-sized windows in the classroom, Stoneheart kicked down the wall between the windows and dropped to the streets below.
Immediately, Alya was filming over the edge of the new hole in the wall, "Come on, Marinette! I need an unlucky civilian to be the star!"
"Sure you do, but first, how about you look in your bag?" Marinette sweetly suggested.
"There's no time! I must blog!"
"It'll only take a second! Here, look! I'm holding your bag open for you! Turn your neck!" she angrily pointed to the clearly visible octagonal box.
"BLOG!" the battlecry echoed down the street as Alya dove headfirst out the hole.
"Bitch, get back here and take care of my problems!" Marinette dove after her.
Meanwhile:
Mylene and Chloe struggled in the iron grip of the powerful villain. "Please, Ivan, what are you going to do to us?" begged Mylene.
"Stoneheart take Mylene to Eiffel Tower. Stoneheart marry Mylene!" he explained like it was simple.
"Ha!" scoffed Chloe, "You really think any girl would be into an anthropomorphized pile of boulders?"
Mylene fanned her blushing cheeks and whispered, "I mean... I'm not against it."
Chloe blinked, "Wait... What?"
"Dynamic Entrance!" the heroic voice of Chat Noir came from above as the cat hero delivered a mighty blow to Stoneheart's head. Stoneheart glowed and grew bigger. "Oh right, I forgot about that..."
"More Stonehearts!" the villain called. At his orders, the hundred of reanimated Stonehearts flooded the streets. They surrounded Chat Noir. "Hahaha! What cat do? Stoneheart have o-o-one, t-ttt-ttttwoo, th-thhhhhhhh—"
"Three?" suggested Mylene as Alya and Marinette arrived on the scene.
"More than three Stonehearts!" He sneered down at Chat Noir, "Cat have one cat."
"Count again!"
"Was that Ladybug?" Alya pointed her camera to the roof and saw three heroic figures.
Principal Damocles flapped his cardboard owl wings, "You'll roost this day, villain!"
Mr. Ramier aimed his pigeon armada down at the rock monsters, "Rrrrooo!"
French Punisher ate a croissant.
Marinette pinched the bridge of her nose, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."
The Street Heroes of Paris attacked! Flocks of pigeons swarmed nearly half of the stone army, taking them down in seconds! Principal Damocles paralyzed more with figuring out how to count to five!
The French Punisher looked at his useless fists. "HA!" laughed a Stoneheart, "Hit Stoneheart, Stoneheart get bigger! What you do?"
He adjusted his beret, "I'mma beat an asshole with another asshole." He hefted a Stoneheart over his head and proceeded to use him as a club!
"Paris has become an all out warzone..." Alya whispered in horror, "And I'm getting the best angles!"
"Alya, look in the fucking bag!" screamed Marinette. A car then dropped between them, trapping Alya against the building wall! "Oh good, anything else?" Marinette asked the Universe. Chat Noir was then taken captive by another Stoneheart. Marinette watched helplessly as the three hostages were taken away. She was powerless to help them.
Or was she...?
Marinette pulled out the octagonal box, inside lay the weapons she could use to save the day.
She could be a hero.
She could...
"You know what? No. I'm being guilt tripped. I quitted and there's no shame in that! There are literally millions of people in this city, Universe, find someone else!" She chucked the box down the street. It bounced off a Stoneheart, was crushed open by one of French Punisher's biceps, and the earrings were flung off a pigeon's wings needle first into Marinette's ears. "FUCK!"
Immediately, a red ball of energy emerged from the earrings, "FOR UNTOLD GENERATIONS HAVE I SLUM—MOTHERFUCKER!" The ball disappeared to reveal a very angry Tikki. "YOU AGAIN?!"
"Yeah, yeah, how do you think I feel? These crappy things missed the piercings this time! Now I got four holes in my lobes" She pried at her bloody ears.
"Hey, Marinette, what'cha doing over there?" called Alya from behind the car.
"Nothing!"
"It kinda sounds like instead of saving me by tipping this car over, you're talking to somebody."
"Mind your own business."
The kwami roared, "You quitted!"
"And I'm still quitting! Do you think I want to be haunted by a soul eating freak with spots on her body? Oh merde, did I just say—"
"NO! NO! YOU IDIOT!" Before the kwami could say more, she was sucked into the earrings and in a flourish of red Marinette became Ladybug.
With the return of the Miraculous power came the confidence and with the confidence came...rage.
"Yeah... okay..."
With a single finger she pushed away the car that was pinning Alya.
"Yeah, okay."
She took a page from the French Punisher and armed herself with a Stoneheart.
"YEAH! OKAY!"
She charged like a bull through the Stoneheart lines, bashing each and every one to pieces!
"YOU WANT ME TO BE LADYBUG?! FINE! I'M LADYBUG!"
With an earth shattering blow she freed Chat Noir and they both arrived at the Eiffel Tower. Atop, the original Stoneheart roared with Mylene and Chloe in his grips.
Seeing the red in her eyes, Chat Noir took a step back, "Whoa, Ladybug, I think you need to calm down."
"NEVER!" she ran full force at the tower! And was promptly flung back with a direct hit from a Chloe missile.
"You saved me!" cheered Chloe. "Ooh, what is that suit made of? Latex? That gives me ideas for tonight with Sabrina."
Ladybug grumbled and tossed the unluckily still alive Chloe to Mayor Bourgeois, "Alright, we won't go with the direct approach. Got an idea?"
"Stand aside, Ladybug!" ordered Gun-Man as he stood behind his police squad, "We've been preparing for this moment!" He pointed to a giant semi-truck plastered with the words 'King Kong Contingency.'
Ladybug and Chat Noir paused.
"You've got a plan for when a monster climbs the Eiffel Tower with a hostage?" asked Ladybug.
Gun-Man nodded, "Y'up."
"...Is it cool?" asked Chat Noir.
"See for yourselves." He shouted to the huge team manning the massive semi-truck, "Let 'er rip!"
Fourteen officers flipped switches simultaneously and several dozen locking mechanisms released! Steam and fog hissed from the cracks appearing along the truck's payload! The trailer divided down the middle and unfolded itself with hydraulic arms! From within, an engine powered to life!
"All systems online!" a mechanical voice announced.
A pillar of light erupted from the trailer so bright that the sun itself was dim in comparison! Several people went blind. From the wall of brilliance emerged a great mechanical figure! At first, Ladybug and Chat Noir thought it was a helicopter, but helicopters don't have arms and legs...
The being pumped its buzzsaw equipped limbs and proclaimed, "I AM HELI-CHOPPER!"
"It's a transformer..." gasped Ladybug with stars in her eyes. "They made a giant robot! I LOVE GIANT ROBOTS!"
"This is the coolest!" agreed Chat Noir.
"Go get 'em, Heli-Chopper," ordered Gun-Man.
The metal titan ran a diagnostics check on Stoneheart, "That is not a massive monkey, gorilla, and/or ape. This is beyond my programming. I cannot help you." Heli-Chopper flew away to parts unknown.
"Hey! Where you going?" called Gun-Man, "Damn it, there goes 400 billion euros."
"...Well, that was disappointing," Ladybug sighed, "Any other ideas?" Suddenly, Stoneheart gagged and choked! He coughed in pain, grabbing at his rocky throat until he collapsed on his back and moved no more. "Oh. He died. That works," shrugged Ladybug. Stoneheart sputtered back to life and puked out a cloud of black butterflies!
The insects collected above the tower and arranged themselves in a cloud until they resembled a dark face. "Oh my Astruc! What the fuck? Am I giant head made of butterflies?! Wait, can you hear me?"
Everyone in Paris tentatively nodded.
"Perfect! You have to help me, I'm being possessed! My name is Grgabkkjlkl—" His expression twisted and went slack. He slowly smiled, "Heeellloooo, Paris! Sorry about that. My little toy Hawkmoth needs to learn to keep his mouth shut when the adults are talking. You can call me your new lord and master Nooroo."
The many remains of the Stoneheart army gathered under the tower. In their clutches were the beaten and bruised street heroes.
"As you can see, your pathetic protectors have no chance against me," Nooroo continued. "Now, I may be swayed to spare your meaningless lives. If you hand over Ladybug and Chat Noir, I'll go. Simple as that. No tricks."
Mayor Bourgeois stepped forward, his chest held high and his strong eyes locked with the demonic visage, "Deal."
Ladybug and Chat Noir were immediately tackled by the entire police force.
"Whoa... for real?" sputtered Nooroo.
"We're French," Bourgeois shrugged, "We're known for Les Miz, eating snails, and surrendering unconditionally."
"Sweet," smirked Nooroo.
"I'M ONLY HALF FRENCH!" Ladybug erupted, launching the fifty or so policemen off her body. Her murderous glare made the Mayor and his four chins cower. "Hawkmoth!" she called to the head, "I know you can hear me! You're the only one who can stop Nooroo! You have everything you need!"
Nooroo broke into mocking laughter, "Ohoohoohoohoooo! What dribble are you going to spew? Friendship? Loooove?"
"Fuck love and fuck friendship!"
Harrowing silence.
Nooroo's laughs caught in its throat.
Chat Noir gaped.
Heli-Chopper nodded in approval.
"Despite what you see in cartoons, there's some merde that love and friendship CAN'T solve! Like when your only friend uses you to make themself more popular! Or when you give someone a chance only to get stabbed in the stomach! Or when you're forced to become a hero and have to protect an entire damn city of French cowards who would you give you up in a heartbeat to save their own assholes!"
Bourgeois flapped his flabby lips, "B-B-But I—"
"Shh!" Chat Noir stopped him. "Let her finish. This is getting sexy."
Ladybug gnashed her teeth and shouted even louder, "Life can be amazing! But it can also be a dumpster fire! When these fucked up things happen, you can only respond in one way... FIGHT! HAWKMOTH!" Across the city, Hawkmoth could hear Ladybug's cry even without the magical connection. He trembled at the power of her fury. He saw the young heroine's determination shining brightly like a star, "The one who needs to fight Nooroo is YOU!"
The stunned giant head stared for a few seconds... then guffawed, "HEEEEHEEEHAHAAAHHAA! That was new. I admit, since the beginning of time, I have never heard that one. Using hate against me? Like that would work. Hahaaahahaa!"
"I hate—" a voice sounded. Ladybug was shocked to see Chat Noir come to her side, "I hate making a complete asshat of myself in front of everybody because I don't know what I'm doing. It's the worst."
Gun-Man stood by them too, "I hate safeties. They make guns less fun."
"I hate everyone who isn't me," added Chloe.
"I hate Nutella!" pouted the Mayor, "Yeah, I know I'm European, but that merde is overrated!"
"I hate traffic!" an unexpected person shouted from the next block. More Parisians joined in and soon the entire population of Paris was naming every terrible thing life threw at them: homework, mortgages, bad hair days, hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia! They were all laid bare!
"And you can add Akumas and you to that list, Nooroo!" Ladybug finished, "We're not afraid of you. We hate you!"
Nooroo took a step back, the combined glares of over 2 million mortals pointed directly at it filled the demon with a sensation it hadn't felt in a mellenia... fear. "W-What, you think that actually makes a difference? I cannot be stopped by—" Breathing suddenly became difficult. Nooroo grabbed at the mortal throat it was using only to feel foreign words whisper from its lips, "...i hate..."
"That's it!" implored Ladybug. "Say it!"
"Say it!" cheered Paris.
"We beweeve in you, Hawkmoth!" said a small child with twinkling eyes.
The city gave their support, their collective chants reaching across the city and echoing into the hidden tower, "HAWKMOTH! HAWKMOTH! HAWKMOTH!"
"...i hate... What are you doing?" Nooroo momentarily regained control, "I am hate! ...i hate... You can't overpower me! I am Noo—" The cane bashed against his head and Gabriel spoke, "Shut up, Nooroo, I hate your dumb voice."
Huzzahs roared across Paris. The policemen around Ladybug hugged each other in victorious congrats. A leather gloved hand fell on her shoulder and she looked up at Chat Noir who smiled with respect.
"That'll do, pig," he said. "That'll do."
She blinked, "...The fuck you call me?"
"Thank you, Ladybug," the giant head gratefully nodded, "Thank you for showing me the power of hatred. Now, I can use that power to take your Miraculous!"
The party stopped.
"Are you shitting me?!" cried Ladybug.
"What?" Hawkmoth smirked, "I still want ultimate power. Muahahaahaah!"
"Uh, now should we try love?" suggested Chat Noir.
"Nope, he had his chance," Ladybug slingshotted herself high into the Eiffel tower. Her yo-yo opened and she said, "By the power invested in me by Thomas Astruc, unholy demons, I damn thee!" With a tornado of furious swings and swipes, her yo-yo collected every last butterfly making the head! She landed on the tower and spoke to the newscopter nearby, "And let me make this absolutely clear. I am done! I don't wanna be Ladybug."
"Wait... really?!" asked Hawkmoth through Stoneheart's mouth.
"Yeah, I'm quitting and there's no shame in that. Any dumbass interested in this job, search your nearest trash can for abandoned earrings." With that...heroicannouncement, she released the swarm of purified butterflies. "And now, I guess, we gotta deal with Stoneheart," sighed Ladybug.
Instantly, Stoneheart de-akumatized and the last black butterfly flew straight into Ladybug's yo-yo. Seconds later, Chat Noir landed next to Ladybug, "Here to back you—Huh? That was quick."
"And that's the power of hatred," Ladybug folded her arms with pride.
Back at the tower:
Gabriel stood over the cowering Nooroo, "No more violent Akumas. Only weirdly creative if somewhat ridiculous Akumas. We understand each other, Nooroo? "
"Yes..." the demon hissed.
"Yes, what?" the man stomped his foot.
"Yes... master." The word was like poison on Nooroo's tongue. Never had it been subservient to a mortal. It was against its nature, but it seemed its unholy influence held no more sway over the man. Biding time was the only option. In time Nooroo would regain strength. For now, Nooroo would do as this lowly human said and wait.
Wait for Duusu...
"Good," Gabriel strapped on a snorkel and called, "Nathalie!" His assistant entered the hidden tower, "Get ready, we're going dumpster diving for magical earrings."
She held up her phone which showed multiple photos of him dressed as Hawkmoth, "No, we're having a talk."
Back with the heroes:
Ladybug quickly repaired the damages and de-stoned the army with her Miraculous Ladybug. As the police took down their barricades, Ivan and Mylene kept looking away from each other awkwardly. This pissed Ladybug right the hell off.
"GUYS!" she shoved them together, "Do you know how many people died because you couldn't be honest with each other? TALK!"
This got things going. "Mmmm, Ivan like Mylene," the boy grumbled.
"I know, I grasped that from your song" Mylene sighed. "But Ivan, there's something you need to know. I'm a..." She squeezed her eyes shut and squeaked, "Monster lover. I love big, horrific, creepy, monsters!" Mylene covered her mouth and blushed bright red.
Ivan scratched his tiny head, "Mylene like Ivan?"
She let out an embarrassed laugh, "Like? Ivan, the whole time you were holding me with your rocky, disturbing, inhuman..." she swallowed and fanned herself. "Let's just say, you should wash your hand." She eventually recovered and sheepishly asked, "Do you think I'm weird?"
A dopey smile spread across Ivan's face because he didn't hear no, "Ivan be gentle."
Mylene grinned hungrily, "Don't you dare, big boy." She dove into his monstrous arms and the two set off as a new couple.
"Finally!" Ladybug threw up her hands and said to Chat Noir, "Isn't it frustrating to watch two people who obviously like each other take forever to just come out and say it?"
"Come now, Milady, there's no need to be cat-ty," snarked Chat Noir and gave a hearty SLAP to her butt.
Ladybug stiffened, "Great, I now hate puns. Now I will forever associate puns with sexual harassment. You and I are not going to get along." She swung away.
The Next Day, in the Agreste limo:
"I can really go to school, Father?" Adrien excitedly asked the live broadcast of his only surviving parent.
"As long as your bodyguard drives you and you stick to the schedule provided by Nathalie," the man nodded.
"Thank you, Father!" he hugged the monitor. Adrien then hopped out of the car and ran up the school steps.
"There," grumbled Gabriel and turned to Nathalie in the next seat, "I did what you said, now you won't tell anyone about the butterfly incident, right?"
Nathalie turned off the monitor, "We got the day off, Ape-Man. What do you want to do?"
Ape-Man thought for a moment and started the limo, "Spa."
Inside the school:
"You're all crazy!" proclaimed Marinette when she entered her classroom. Every student, boy and girl, was covered in trash with at least six pair of earring in each blood covered ear. It was shocking how many people she had seen digging in the landfills looking for the Miraculous earrings. Their efforts were pointless, she hadn't even bothered to throw them out yet. They still sat in that dumb broken box in her bag. Now that Mayor Bourgeois had re-tweaked the vigilante law, allowing only Ladybug and Chat Noir to play hero, they would eventually be somebody else's problem.
With a confident strut, Marinette dragged Alya up to her old, safe desk. "Um, excuse me," bitched Chloe when she entered, "you're in the wrong seat."
"Didn't you hear, Chloe?" Marinette popped open the medkit taped under her desk and brandished the scalpel from within. "Hate conquers all! Now sit your bony ass back in your other seat before I make your outsides as scarred and unloved as your insides."
For moment, Chloe respected Marinette.
The class whooped and hollered at the display of dominance and Marinette basked in it. This nightmare was finally over. There was no shame. She was out. She had quit.
Later, outside school:
Tikki gripped Marinette's collar and growled into her face, "You can only quit ONCE!"
"Huh!"
Tikki massaged her bulbous head, "It's a failsafe! In case an underage, unqualified, untrained dumbass like you gets a hold of a Miraculous, the magical contract can be voided ONCE! No one has re-entered into the contract because no one has ever been so STUPID!"
The full implications of the curse dawned on the girl, "So, what you're saying is..."
"Kiss your normal life goodbye. Under contract by Astruc Himself, you are Ladybug until the day you die," Tikki slapped Marinette across the face and settled into the cluttered pink purse that was now her new home.
Then it started to rain. The nightmare continues. She was in. She couldn't quit. Marinette reacted appropriately, "...aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"Is this a bad time?" stepped in Adrien.
"YEEEESSSSS!" was her answer.
"I'll make this quick then," Adrien drew out his spoon shank. Instinctively, Marinette covered her still healing gut, but then froze when Adrien offered her the weapon. "I think I... I made a mistake. You see, I've never been to school or had friends or been outside unsupervised for more than two minutes." With his other hand, he popped open an umbrella and covered them both from the rain. "I shouldn't have shanked you, I'm sorry. It's only fair that you get to return the favor."
The shank waited for Marinette in his palm, "I... uh... You want me to stab you? Cause that's really fucked up."
"Is it? Sorry, still figuring out the whole friendship thing." He moved to put the shank away but Marinette grabbed his wrist.
"Wait!" She didn't expect it but... there was a odd fluttering sensation in her chest. It was like internal bleeding except... nice. "W-Why?"
He shrugged, "You're obviously having a bad day and I wasn't helping. Thought I should try to change that."
Kindness...
Her heart pounded faster. After all the merde she had been through, this one person, in his own quirky way, was being genuinely kind to her. A shining good deed in her weary world. She gently took the spoon. With a warm smile, he also gave her the umbrella and stretched his arms wide for her to attack where she chose.
She got so lost in his emerald eyes that she didn't even notice where the blade pierced.
"Gah! Agh! Lot more painful than I imagined! Think you punctured my lung!" Adrien gripped at the growing red spot on his chest and laughed at the agony. His limo pulled up and he woozily stumbled down the steps. Adrien waved to her, "I'll see you tomorrow."
Marinette, in a trance, barely waved back, "Yeah, be you-me you-see you."
Adrien then fainted from his wound. He was dragged into the limo by a freshly manicured Nathalie who groaned, "Someday we're gonna be too late to save this kid." Ape-Man adjusted his new perm and drove them to the hospital.
Tikki floated back out and gave Marinette a look over, "I know that face. Your estrogen kicked in, didn't it?"
"I want him..." She spread his precious, pure, perfect blood across her face. The scent filled her nostrils. The scent of Adrien. "Every moment of my life from this second onward will be dedicated to him. My walls will become a shrine to his godlike existence." Manon strolled by and set Marinette on fire but the flames that engulfed her only fueled the girl's mad declaration! "The world revolves around Adrien! MY Adrien! NOBODY ELSE CAN HAVE MY ADRIEN!"
Tikki stared, "...Wow."
Seventeen years later:
"And that's how I met your mother," the now grown Adrien finished telling the story to his two children.
The kids shivered under their blankets, "Dad, mom sounded scary."
"Shh! She still is, son," Adrien whispered in fear. He eyed the slightly open bedroom door. The dark hallway beyond hid many secrets. She could be listening right now and they'd have no clue. "That's why we don't keep spoons in the house."
END
hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: [Noun] Fear of long words.