Standing in front of her mirror, Rey was busy tying her hair back. Ever since she had fallen through that hole on Ahch-To and landing in water messed her hair up, she preferred the look with some of her hair down compared to all up in three buns. She had kept it that way because that was how she had worn her hair as a child. Changing up her appearance meant she had begun moving away from her past.
Let go of your past. Kylo's words in the Throne Room repeated once again. Kill it if you have to.
Ben.
Her arms dropped as she huffed. He had hurt her yesterday with his declaration. She had already forgiven what he said, but his blatant disregard for her feelings was what stung, not the words.
When she resumed tying the elastic around the locks of hair she had gathered, Kylo's reflection suddenly appeared in the mirror. Rey glanced at him then looked back at herself, not saying anything in hopes he would understand her irritation. He didn't say anything either, just continued to look at her.
Uneasiness radiated from him. Rey's eyes shot over to his dark form—he had never expressed that emotion before. She wondered what made him feel anxious.
"Are you ever going to say anything or are you just going to stand there?" Rey asked after the awkwardness continued to grow, with neither making a sound.
Her speaking seemed to break him out of a trance, for Kylo blinked then turned his eyes to the floor. He cleared his throat and his mouth moved, but she didn't hear anything.
Once again, Rey stopped fixing her hair and watched him curiously. "What did you say?"
Keeping his eyes on the floor, Kylo cleared his throat again and spoke—loud enough for her to hear, but still as a whisper. "I said, sorry."
Rey thought she had misheard him—clearly that word couldn't have come out of his mouth. She needed to test if he truly was apologizing. "Sorry for what?"
"For what I said yesterday; you understand my pain better than anyone else. I hurt you, and I don't mean to." His eyes lifted to hers. "I truly don't."
Stunned, Rey slowly turned to face him. The bold, intimidating, and always enraged Kylo Ren wasn't standing before her; the gentle, withdrawn, and timid Ben Solo was. He resembled a boy filled with remorse and seeking forgiveness.
And it was true regret reflecting in those brown eyes. His attempting to apologize meant the Light in him wasn't entirely gone like he wanted to pretend. Maybe she was drawing that side back out; she could save Ben Solo as Leia predicted. Rey fought to keep her excitement hidden.
"I've already forgiven you, Ben. Words are just words usually unchecked when spoken in anger. But thank you for apologizing."
His lowered head lifted. "You must've been reading a Sacred Jedi Text—you're sounding like one."
She laughed. "No, I haven't. I promised not to without you to help translate them."
"But you aren't angry with me anymore?"
Rey shook her head. "Staying mad has never made me feel strong, but vulnerable—anything can get under my skin." She cut her eyes at him. "Just don't say I don't know something when I do."
Kylo chuckled softly as he nodded. "Noted."
***
After he apologized, Rey saw Ben Solo more and more—in his actions, in the way he spoke, how he looked at her, and because he laughed. Truly laughed; not just a chuckle. He looked far more relaxed now. Kylo Ren was gone when he showed.
The Dark was still in him—she could sense it just under the surface—but because he genuinely apologized and how he acted with her now meant the Light was getting stronger.
Her training resumed like the argument had never happened. Since Kyl—Ben could move around with her without anyone seeing him, they branched out of her room and found a wide Training Room for the Akiva soldiers and guards. He instructed her on how best to fight; she practiced the moves on her own for a while.
Wanting to try something, Ben asked if anyone was near; after looking around and Rey announced there was no one, he went over to a weapon rack and picked up a training staff of his own. The realization that they could interact with objects through their Force Bond—not just each other—surprised them for only a second, before he turned and told her to attack him.
She found it so much easier learning how to fight with Ben fighting back. He ran through many drills with her. They not only covered basic fighting techniques with sabers, but both also used the Force like in a mock fight. Whenever Rey sensed someone approaching, she and Ben would stop, and she would go back to practicing with the air.
They did this multiple times a week. Rey had to force herself to go be social with Finn, Rose, and Poe; when done with what she called 'mandatory interaction'—so they wouldn't get suspicious—she always hurried back to her room to open a connection with Ben and spend time with him.
This evening, Rey reached out to Ben first, and the Force teleported her to his room with a Sacred Jedi Text in hand. They had read this one together last night, but there was a certain passage she wanted him to explain further. She joined him at his small table and flipped through the book for the correct page.
Rey's hand froze when a random page she turned to began to shimmer. As it glistened, the old alphabet slowly moved—the letters themselves literally floated across the page to settle somewhere else.
"What is that?" Ben asked as he leaned closer.
"I was hoping you would know," Rey said.
Once the letters finished rearranging and the shine faded, Rey was looking at a brand-new page. She and Ben both began to read.
Flowing through all, there is balance
There is no peace without a passion to create
There is no passion without peace to guide
Knowledge stagnates without the strength to act
Power blinds without the serenity to see
There is freedom in life
There is purpose in death
The Force is all things and I am the Force
Rey stared at the page in shock. She read it again and again to make sure she had understood it.
There was another type of Jedi. One who was considered neither good nor bad because they were willing to do what was necessary. Force-users who walked the line between the light and dark sides of the Force without surrendering to the Dark and who operated outside the structures of the Jedi Code.
"The Gray Jedi," that voice whispered.
Her dream on the Millennium Falcon played back to her and now made sense. The gray sliver between the darkness and the light. The serenity radiating off it; the balance. She and Ben being drawn toward it.
Did that mean she and Ben were meant to be Gray Jedi?
"Do you know what this means?" Rey said.
Ben didn't answer.
"There's not only the Light and the Dark Side. You don't have to be afraid of the Light or the Dark Side—you can have essences of both."
He still didn't speak. She looked over to find him staring at the Sacred Jedi Text, stunned.
"You didn't know anything about this?" she asked.
Ben shook his head.
She put her hand on his. "Snoke probably kept this from you so you would be entirely Dark—not aware that there was a way out."
"A way out," he repeated quietly.
"Doesn't this give you hope? It does me. You don't have to stay in the Dark and neither do you have to turn completely to the Light. The Gray Jedi makes the only sense; no one can remain pure without some blemish." Since he had grown quiet again, Rey looked at him. He didn't seem to be paying attention. "Ben?"
Ben suddenly pushed back from the table and marched off. Rey could feel the heat rising in the room as he paced. The Darkness thickened around him.
"Ben?" she asked after a while.
"So, all those people I've killed; all the pain and suffering I've caused was needed!"
She nodded. "There must be chaos and order at an equal level. Sometimes laws must be broken and sometimes chaos must be brought to order. The push and pull between the two keeps the galaxy alive. At least that's what I got from it." She looked at him. "Is that how you understood it?"
After a while of him thinking, Ben nodded. "Life is constantly changing, so Force-users should as well. The end justifies the means. Passion without peace is madness, just as peace without passion is apathy. Seeking knowledge is pointless unless you act upon it; in the same way, power with no purpose beyond having it holds no greater meaning."
He paused. "I just cannot believe the Force has willed me to do as I've pleased. It had been behind everything. I thought I was always rebelling against it..."
Rey got up and slowly walked over to him, knowing how unhinged he was right now he was liable to acting out against her. Not his intention, she knew, but she didn't have anything to defend against that lightsaber on his hip.
"You've always cared, haven't you?"
Ben looked at her—the answer trembled in his eyes.
Seeing how he needed comfort and feeling bold, Rey wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. She ignored his stiffening.
"Life cannot be denied emotions," Rey began; perhaps her vocalizing that she too understood the Gray Jedi Code would reassure him that he wasn't alone in believing the wrong way of the Force.
"Death has its place," Ben added. "And if you focus only on a few aspects like the Sith—"
"Or reject any, like the Jedi—"
"You are denying reality and yourself," they finished together.
Eventually Ben relaxed and his hands came around her back to return the hug. They remained embraced for a long while.