My mom and I drove in silence to the reservoir. My mind was on a tangent, going through all the scenarios that could have gone wrong with Ashton tonight. Whenever he hadn't contacted me today I should have taken the extra precautions to make sure he was alright. The last thing we needed right now was Ashton to relapse and have a repeat of last week.
"Has he been okay since...you know?" My mom asked as we closed in on our destination.
"He says he is but I'm really beginning to wonder." I admitted and my mom nodded knowingly.
"I'm so sorry for all of this." She said and I glanced over to look at her. I wanted to say it was okay or that she wasn't at fault but she was. She caused all of this.
"I know." I said even though I felt like saying "you should be." We finally pulled up to the parking lot and the second the tires stopped rolling I bailed out of the vehicle. The headlights were shining into the darkness but I couldn't see Ashton. Shit, he wasn't here after all. I hurried past one of the picnic tables towards the water and I began to panic.
"I should've known you'd be able to find me." Ashton's accent called out making me stop in my tracks. I turned around to see him sitting up against the lone tree in the middle of the grass. I let out a sigh of relief and moved to sit next to him. His eyes were glued to the water and I couldn't help but follow where they were looking.
"You had me terrified." I admitted and looked down to my lap.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
"Wanna tell me what's really bothering you?" I said and Ashton's eyes remained glued on the scenery in front of him.
"The day before Thanksgiving I saw my mum in the store." He admitted.
"What did she say?" I turned my head to the side and waited for Ashton to look at me. Once he finally did I could tell he'd been crying for some time. His eyes were glossed over and looked like pools of hazel sadness.
"That I was incapable of being loved." He choked out and swallowed a sob.
"She's wrong." I said and Ashton shook his head.
"It's just been replaying in my head every second and I can't help but believe it. I mean my own mother doesn't even love me how could anyone else? When your mum had that file of my past I knew she was right." I sniffled. I felt my heart wrench.
"But I love you." I said and Ashton looked at me sadly.
"Do you really Luke? I mean honestly do you love me? I am the worst person in the world and I can't even go through a day without wanting to die." He admitted and again a sob escaped. Now my heart was in shattered pieces at the bottom of my chest. How could he think I don't love him?
"Why do you want to die Ashton?" I said swallowing a sob of my own.
"Because I'm not worthy of living." He sobbed.
"Ashton that's not true!" I raised my voice into the cold air.
"Yes it is!" Ashton screamed and I tensed up. I hated to be screamed at. He jumped up off the ground and took off towards the water. He stomped away from me and was about to jump in when I caught up to him.
"I will not let you do this!" I grabbed Ashton's forearms, being cautious of his still healing wrists.
"Just let me go Luke! Do everyone a favor!" He yelled and tried to pull away from me but I held on.
"No! Without you there is no me Ashton, please!" I yelled at and his face screwed into a pained expression.
"I don't want to feel like this anymore." He said softly and hung his head.
"I don't want you to feel like this either." I said and lifted his chin to look at me. He looked terrified and his eyes were searching my face for something I wasn't sure of.
"I'm so sorry I ruin everything." He said and a few tears escaped.
"You are so wrong Ashton. You do the complete opposite." I reached up and swept a curl off of his forehead.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" He asked but I had a feeling he already knew the answer.
"Of course, let's get you warmed up." I nodded and placed my arm behind his back, leading him back to the car. He looked stricken with fear when I saw my mom in the drivers seat but I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. There was silence in the car on the way to my house and Ashton was shivering like crazy.
My mom gave me a silent goodnight and headed up to her room. I grabbed onto Ashton's hand and led him to the bathroom to sit him on the lid of the toilet. I sat on the edge of the tub, filling it with warm water. I helped the shaking boy remove his clothes down to his boxers and gave him a hand into the warm water. His teeth stopped chattering once the water began to cool down and I wrapped him into a soft towel and took him to my room. I gave him fresh warm clothes and my favorite sweatshirt. While he changed I grabbed extra blankets from my closet, throwing them onto my bed. Ashton and I crawled under the heap of blankets and I pulled him into me. My arms wrapped around his shoulders while his latched around my middle, pulling himself into my chest.
"Are you okay?" I asked and Ashton nodded. I knew he was exhausted and within a few seconds he was fast asleep. He was still shivering slightly even under all this warmth.
It scared me that he hated himself so much. I hated that he could hurt so bad and there was nothing I could do to take his evil thoughts away. It pained me to see someone I loved so much hurt so bad. The best I could do was be there for Ashton.
...
I awoke to a blinding white light coming through my open window. When I rolled over to my side Ashton was still asleep on the pillow next to me. Their were soft snores escaping his parted lips and for once he looked peaceful. He was on his side as well with a long arm still wrapped around me. I lifted my head up slightly to look out the window and instantly became excited.
It snowed!
Something about snow can exhume the child in everyone. I wanted to wake Ashton and go play in the snow but he had such a rough day yesterday maybe it was better to let him sleep. I rolled my head to look towards my door and I swore I could smell pancakes. My stomach growled nearly on cue and I decided to go down and get something to eat to let Ashton sleep.
I lifted his heavy arm off of me slowly and crept out of my bed. Ashton stirred a little and rolled over to lie on his other side. I reached down to pull the blankets up to his chin and place a soft kiss against his hair. Once I was for certain he was still asleep I left my room, following the smell of pancakes to the kitchen. My mom was humming while she cooked and offered me a smile when she saw me. I gave her a smile back and headed straight to the coffee pot for a steaming cup of energy.
"How's Ashton this morning?" She asked, flipping a pancake.
"He's still asleep." I said and took a small sip of my coffee.
"Poor thing. What are your plans for today? It's Christmas Eve." She smiled again. I could tell she was trying and I appreciated that.
"I'm not sure we had any." I shrugged and took my usual seat on the counter.
"Well I'm making cookies all day and I was thinking you and Ashton could help me then tonight we could watch Christmas movies like we used to." My mom chirped and I felt my heart swell. She must've felt really bad about all of this.
"That sounds awesome." I said with a smile. My mom was making eggs now and she continued to him while she worked.
"Michael and Calum can come over too." She added and I nodded. "Go get Ashton and Jack, breakfast is ready." She said and I hopped off of the counter and sauntered up the stars.
I pounded my fist against Jacks door until he was up and he headed down stairs cursing me under his breath the whole time. I made my way to my door and pushed it open slowly. When I peeked around it I saw Ashton lying on his stomach in my bed. His body was tangled in the sheets and he appeared to be asleep still until I got closer and his eyes fluttered open.
"Hey." His early morning voice rasped.
"Morning." I said and sat down next to him. He immediately tangled our fingers together and smiled at them.
"I'm sorry about last night." He whispered.
"It's okay, we'll get through this." I said and Ashton nodded. His hazel eyes locked on mine and a small smile was playing on his lips.
"Do I smell pancakes?" He giggled and I nodded.
"Yes you do, come on." I pulled him from the bed with him groaning in protest.
"I'm only getting up because I'm so hungry that I could eat you." He teased and walked behind me down the hallway. I let out a laugh and shook my head at him. He seemed to tense up with every step and by the time we reached the tile of the kitchen he looked terrified.
"Come on Ash, she said she was going to apologize." I assured him and we walked over to the breakfast counter. Jack was already eating, as usual when Ashton and I took a seat. My mom sat a plate of food in front of us and we wasted no time digging in.
Breakfast was silent. My mom cleaned while we ate and when we placed our plates in the sink she began to get things ready for baking. I grabbed Ashton's hand and led him towards the bar again.
"Luke can you give me and Ashton a second?" My mom asked and Ashton nearly snapped his neck looking over to me with pleading eyes. I have him a quick peck on the cheek and left him alone with my mom.
I just hope she was a little nicer this time.
Ashton's POV
I'm sweating fucking bullets. What could Liz possibly want with me now? Hasn't she caused me enough pain? Luke did say that she was going to apologise and I hoped that's all this was and not another interrogation.
"I just wanted to start off by saying I'm so incredibly sorry Ashton." She said and I'm sure I looked like a deer in the headlights of a car. I can't be hearing her correctly.
"W-what?" I stuttered not sure of what else to say.
"What I did was completely uncalled for and I see that now. I was blinded by what I thought was best for Luke and I hurt you. I'm so sorry." She said and looked on the verge of tears.
"I told you I wasn't good enough for him but-"
"But don't you see? You are perfect for him." She admitted. Okay this is a dream now. There is no fucking way this is real life.
"I am?" I was having trouble processing all of this.
"Yes." She moved over to stand on the other side of the counter and placed her hand on mine. "Love can make you blind Ashton. I thought I was protecting Luke but I was just hurting both of you. When you were in the hospital, Luke was broken like he was when his dad died. That's when I realized he needed you." She explained and I felt emotions consuming me.
"I love him Mrs. Hemmings." I admitted and she nodded with a smile.
"I know, I see that now." She said. "Come here, let me hug you." She let out a small chuckle and I got up off of my seat. She held me tightly and I felt a tear splash my neck so I pulled back to look at her.
"What's the matter?" I asked and she shook her head trying to put on a smile.
"You just remind me so much of Andy." She let out another small chuckle. Luke's dad?
"Really?" Maybe that's why he was able to love me a little easier.
"He would've absolutely adored you." She smiled and brushed a piece of hair away from my face. Talk about a 180 turnaround.
I believed every word of what she said. Love can make you blind and make you want to protect that person you love. I understand why she did what she did. I made those decisions when I was in a really dark place and I knew they'd catch me eventually. I couldn't blame her for wanting the best for her son.
"Come on, let's bake some Christmas cookies!" She clapped her hands together. Luke came back into the room with suspicious eyes scanning the perimeter. Once he noticed all was well he gave me a smile.
The smile that melted my heart the first second I saw him.
We were tossed an apron and put straight to work baking cookies. Luke and I probably weren't much help and made a huge mess instead. We were covered in flour from our fight and Liz made us take a picture. Luke acted like he was going to lick my face so I closed my eyes tightly like I was preparing for it. Once the picture was snapped, we all burst into giggles.
This is how it should've been from the beginning but what's sunshine without a little rain? Luke was the sunshine that all my running from the rain led me too.
....
Luke's POV
"There is no way you guys made these cookies! They are actually good." Calum teased with a mouthful of cookie.
"Shut up Cal." I laughed and took a bite of my own cookie.
We've been downstairs watching movies most of the night and my mom made an amazing dinner. A Christmas Carol is playing in the background but none of us are paying attention to it anymore. We've resorted to hot chocolate, cookies and comfortable stories of our past Christmases.
This is comfortable.
Seeing Ashton laughing and looking so happy is the best Christmas present I could ask for.
"Hey look guys, it's snowing again." Michael said and pointed to the window. Tiny frozen droplets were cascading from the sky in a glowing white wonder. I loved snow.
Just as silence fell over us the clock started to chime, signaling midnight had arrived. It was Christmas.
"It's Christmas." I said with a smile. The other three guys smiled too and I looked up to Ashton.
"Merry Christmas." He whispered and planted our lips together. The electricity was enough to melt the snow outside and I wished I never had to pull away.
"Merry Christmas!" Calum shouted and we all started jumping up and down in laughter like kids.
It was only five minutes in but I could tell it was already the best Christmas ever.
>>>>
It's so weird to write Christmas chapters in July haha
I'm loving this though. I hope you guys are still liking this story bc I still have some things up my sleeve
I am feeling really inspired today so I'm writing a lot today and I might be able to get three updates in today but if not for sure two.
I love you guys..
Until I update again :)