Chapter 31 - Karma's a B*tch
I felt like my stomach had dropped all the way to the floor. How had this happened? I didn't remember even leaving the club, let alone going home with Mason. I scrambled to find my clothes, holding the blanket around my bare body, only to find they were sprawled across the floor in various different locations. My pants wouldn't be much help, though, they were ripped down the middle. Just as I was about to yell at Mason, my stomach churned and I barely made it to the restroom in time before the contents of my stomach came flying out. My head was spinning so furiously I couldn't do anything but lean my head on the seat and groan. Never. Again.
"Whoa," Masons voice sounded scratchy and even deeper than it already was. I gasped and turned around, trying to cover my still bare body. As his eyes roamed my skin I rolled my eyes and ripped a towel from the rack.
"Why am I here?" I asked, pulling myself to my feet. I was straining to remember anything from the night before, but it was a total blank. Before he could respond I was bending over the toilet again, gagging.
When I finished, Mason shoved some aspirin and a bottle of water in my face. "I don't know," he said, finally answering my question. "I was going to ask you the same thing." I groaned, swallowing the pills quickly. All I could hope was I would keep them down long enough to work. "The last thing I remember is we were trying to leave and some fans came up and offered me some shots."
"See, I don't even remember that!" I wiped a hand along my face, rubbing my temples. "Can I wear some of your clothes? I think you ripped mine." My cheeks burned and I couldn't bear to look at him. Had I really had sex with Mason James?! Oh god, I was a whore. What was wrong with me?!
I couldn't even look at him as he turned around and walked away. Instead I turned on the shower and climbed inside, hoping with would help wash away some of my hangover. Plus, I felt disgusting and I couldn't go back to my hotel looking like that. Savanna was already going to be pissed, I didn't need to add smelling like a brewery and a hooker on top of that. When I got out of the shower the door was closed and Mason had left some clothes on the bathroom counter. It was just a plain black t-shirt and grey sweatpants, but both were significantly too big for me. Shrugging, I tired the sweatpants as tight as I could and exited the bathroom. Time for the walk of shame.
Mason was sitting on the couch, a silver cart in front of him. It was covered in silver platters covered in silver lids. My first thought was, fancy. When he saw me, Mason stood up. "Hey," he said. "I feel terrible. I don't know what happened but I shouldn't have got that drunk. I'll buy you new clothes...But at least eat something before you leave."
My cheeks were burning red again. "Thanks, but I'm pretty sure if I eat anything I'll just throw it right back up. Besides, I should be getting back to Savanna. They're probably worried sick." And she couldn't even call me because she took away my cellphone. Part of me felt smug because it was like my own form of karma, but knew I shouldn't have even left with Mason the night before. If I was in trouble before, now I was basically dead.
"It'll help with that headache I'm sure you have," he offered me a kind smile, pulling off one of the lids to reveal a plate of fluffy waffles, hash browns, scrambled eggs, and fresh fruit. "Come on, What's ten more minutes?"
"Maybe my life," I said sarcastically, but sat down next to him anyway. A part of me wanted to be mad at Mason, but I knew I was also to blame. If I hadn't drank so much then I would've gotten a cab and gone straight back to my hotel. But I had gotten so caught up in wanting to forget Ben that I let myself get out of control. A wave of guilt washed over my body, making me want to throw up all over again. Technically it wasn't cheating because we weren't together, but then why did it feel so horrible? "So, how you feeling?" I asked, trying to distract my thoughts.
"Like complete shit," he chuckled, shaking his head as he chewed on a strawberry. "What about you? You were like a machine with those shots!"
"I probably feel worse than you," I admitted, scooping some eggs into my mouth. "I don't really drink, especially like that."
"Hey, when you have stuff to forget like that...Let's just say I get it."
I didn't want to ask, but I felt like I had to even though I already knew the answer. "Hey, did we...."
"Sleep together?" He finished my sentence, looking me in the eyes. "I really don't remember much of anything, but we were both naked and I found three condoms on the floor, so..."
"Three?!" I exclaimed, eyes widening as I choked on my orange juice. "Are you kidding me?!"
Mason shrugged. "At least I used protection."
"Oh, at least," I said sarcastically, letting my head fall into my hands. I was mortified! Sober me barely touched boys, how was drunk me a freak?! "I should go." Groaning, I stood up and shoved my hands in my pockets.
"I'm sorry," he said, making me freeze. "We were both too drunk and we shouldn't have done anything. Even though I was black out drunk, I shouldn't have touched you and I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," I told him, forcing a soft smile. I felt like puking again just thinking about it. Before I started to cry I turned on my heels and practically ran from the room.
I didn't know where exactly Mason had taken me, but it didn't take long to grab a cab off of the busy Main Street the hotel was sitting on. Once inside all I had to do was tell the driver which hotel to take me to, and then sit back and relax. Relaxing, however, was the farthest thing from my mind. What had I been thinking?! Even drunk out of my mind how had I had sex with Mason James? How was I going to explain this to Savanna?
She was going to kill me.
Honestly, I think I was having a hard time processing my emotions. Other than the slight disgust I felt at myself for sleeping with Mason, I really didn't...Care. At all. Of course I was dreading Ben finding out, that would break my heart. But to myself it didn't seem to matter. Once I had lost my virginity, why did it really matter who I slept with?
When the cab came to a stop, I paid the nice man with the last of my cash and started the walk up the stairs. It didn't take long, however, before the front doors slid open and arms were thrown around my body. "Shiloh, thank god," Savanna's flustered voice filled my ears as I struggled to breathe. She was squeezing me so tight I couldn't move. Suddenly, she released me so quickly I thought she would slap me. I braced myself, but the blow never came "where the hell have you been?!" She exclaimed, grabbing me wrist and dragging me inside. She probably felt like she had to hold on to me before I disappeared again.
"I didn't mean to." I told her, lowering my head. "I'm sorry. I was drinking and then-"
"You were drinking with Mason James?!" She screeched, spinning on her heels to face me. Everyone in the lobby was looking at us, waiting for something to happen. If I wasn't so scared I would have been embarrassed.
"How did you know I was with Mason?" I asked, blood draining from my face.
"Oh please, everybody knows" she scoffed, rolling her eyes. "It's all anyone's talking about. When a random girl leaves a big party holding hands with a famous movie star, it tends to catch people's attention." Damn Mason! I was going to kill him!
"I'm sorry," I squeaked, hunching my shoulders. How was a woman who was usually so kind all of a sudden so scary?
"You should be sorry!" Savanna snapped, grabbing my wrist once again and dragging me to the elevator. "You couldn't even send a quick text just to-"
"You took my phone." I said dryly, reclaiming my wrist so I could cross my arms. I could feel the anger rolling off of her in waves.
"So Mason doesn't have a phone?" She retorted, raising an eyebrow at me. Instead of responding I huffed and stormed out of the elevator when it dinged. Ari was sitting on the couch, watching TV with a bowl of cereal in her hand. Her eyes brightened when she saw me, making me pause to go sit next to her. My plan had been to hide in my room, but my sister came first. "Ready to go home?" I asked her.
"I like Hawaii," she said, frowning. "But I miss everybody else, so I guess going home won't be so bad."
"Don't worry, I'll bring you back one day," I told her, not knowing if it was a promise I could keep. These kinds of trips must have been expensive! "When do we leave?"
"Soon." Savanna answered for me, rolling a suitcase into the living room. "Shi, go pack your things". Complying, I dragged my feet as I shuffled out of the room. When I walked in, the bed was made and a little pink box with a bow on top sat on top. Raising an eyebrow, I tore away the wrapping paper and opened the lid. Inside sat my phone, along with a small note that was unmistakably Savanna's handwringing. Don't make me regret this.
Immediately I unlocked the phone, scrolling through the millions of the text messages I had from Ben. It was like I couldn't read through them fast enough, my heart was pounding through my chest and I found it hard to focus. They started out sweet, saying that he was so sorry Savanna had found out this way and that we could get through this. He said he couldn't wait for me to get home so he could hold me in his arms again. He's said he would explain everything to Savanna and would convince her that this wasn't something that would just go away.
And then the last text I saw made my thudding heart almost stop completely.
I know about Mason James.
Tears sprung to my eyes as I hurried to call him, collapsing on the bed when it went straight to voice mail. I tried again and again, but it was no use. His phone was off. My mind spun thinking of all the things he could have been doing in that moment, the most prominent of them being Monica. I knew I was a hypocrite for feeling sick to my stomach, but I couldn't help it. Imagining him with her of all people...I just couldn't stomach it. I had messed everything up, just like I somehow always managed to do. Staring up at the ceiling, I tried to blink away the salty tears that burned my eyes. My whole chest shook as I took deep breaths, clinching my shaking hands into fists.
There was no coming back from this. It would never be the same, I could feel it in my bones.
~~~
The whole plane ride home I tried to sleep, but it was no use. My stomach was a knot of nerves and my mind just wouldn't shut off. Savanna kept trying to ask if I was okay but my silence eventually forced her give up. The drive to the house was silent. As we neared I felt myself hoping that Ben would be home so I could explain everything, but the space where he parked his truck was empty. I'm not sure what I was expecting, of course he knew we were coming home today and was doing everything in his power to be nowhere near me.
However, Rylin was waiting on the porch for me. Her face lit up as soon as our car pulled into the driveway. She flew to me and wrapped me in a big hug, squeezing me tight. Despite myself I smiled slightly, hugging her back. She had quickly become my best friend so of course I was happy to see her, even in the current circumstances. "I have so much to tell you!" She gushed, gripping mu shoulders as she looked me straight in the eyes. Her smiled fell when she saw my puffy face. "Mrs. Miller, can I take Shi to hang out at my moms shop? I'll have her home early, I promise."
"But my sisters-" Ry cut me off, placing a hand over my mouth.
"They'll be here later," she hissed at me, smiling at Savanna. "So, how about it?" Savanna raised an eyebrow, looking suspiciously between us. Finally, she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Stay out of trouble and be home by 9. You're still grounded."
"Yes ma'am," I mumbled, dragging my feet as I shuffled over to Rylin's car. The interrogation that was coming was unavoidable, but that didn't mean I couldn't put it off for as long as possible.
"Spill." Rylin demanded as soon as we were driving down the little dirt road I had just come from.
"What do you mean?"
"You've been crying, and I wake up to your face plastered all over magazines hanging out with Mason James!" She looked at me, swerving as she drove for a split second before looking back at the road. "What the hell happened, I thought you were just getting together with Ben! I mean I know Savanna caught ya'll but I didn't think you would give up so easy."
I took a deep breath, rubbing my sweaty palms against my pants. After steadying myself, I told Rylin the whole story. How Mason had just offered to take me to get Plan B, and how things had spiraled out of control from there. I didn't even remember the deed, but that didn't make me feel any less guilty. The more time I had to sit and think, the more a nauseous feeling settled over me. The whole situation felt a little too similar to...Marks. I didn't remember anything from that night, either. It made my skin crawl. Absently, I scratched my arm.
Ry seemed to be thinking the same thing. She looked me up and down worriedly. "Are you okay? I mean-"
"I'm fine," I cut her off, looking out the window so I wouldn't have to look at her. If I did, I probably would've cried. "It's not the same. This one's on me."
"Shiloh-"
"No, Ry," I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, breathing through my nose, "What happened with Marks sucks. Yeah, he hurt me. Yeah, I probably would't mind if he got run over by a car a few times. But that was out of my control and not my fault I survived, and you guys, Ben, saved me. This was different. I chose to get drunk and keep drinking even though I knew I had more than enough. I choose to sleep with him."
Rylin gulped audibly next to me. She stiffened, but stayed quiet for almost a full minute. Without her saying anything, I knew she was choosing her words carefully. "So then why did you do it?"
"I don't even know!" I exclaimed, covering my face with my hands. "It was so stupid. I was stressing over Savanna finding out about Ben, I didn't want to ruin this for my sisters. We've lost all our family and the Millers are all we have left. If I keep seeing Ben, we get kicked out and have to move again. It's illegal. I can't be that selfish, I can't do that to them!" Tears were falling freely down my cheeks. It felt like the car was getting smaller and smaller and it was getting hard to breathe. "After everything they've been through, I can't throw this home away to be with some guy who I might not even last a month with!"
"You don't know that-"
"But I do! It isn't worth the risk. My sisters will come first, always. So I guess I was feeling sorry for myself, and I just wanted to numb the pain a little bit. Once I started drinking I just couldn't stop, because the less I actually felt the easier it was to cope. And I told myself a little harmless flirting was fine, because the attention felt nice and I wasn't going to be able to be with the guy I loved anyway. And then the next thing I knew I was blackout drunk, waking up naked in Mason James' bed with three condoms on the damn floor. Who can even go that many rounds when you're that drunk?!"
"Shiloh-"
"And even saying all of this out loud I know I'm a shitty person, I know I'm a hypocrite, and I know there is nothing I can do to fix it. Maybe I did this on purpose so I wouldn't have to end it with Ben, this way I have no choice because he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. It was the easy way out because I'm just a pussy that clearly doesn't know how to deal with her emotions. All I know is I can't put my sisters through more pain, I'd rather take on all the pain myself and give them the world, but damnit I love him and every time I think about what I've done it's like time stops and I can't breathe!"
"Shiloh, stop spinning out!" Rylin screamed, gripping me by my shoulders. Suddenly I snapped my head up, realizing she had stopped the car. She must have stopped some time before that, because we were not very far from the Miller home. She shook me slightly, making me snap my eyes to hers. "You're okay. It's going to be okay." She pulled me to her chest, hugging me tight and running her fingers through my hair. I grabbed her and gave up on trying to hold myself together. I couldn't hold it in any longer. My body convulsed with sobs as I cried, soaking Rylin's shirt. She kept stroking my hair trying to calm me, but it was no use. I couldn't' stop until I had no tears left. My face stung from being so swollen and my nose burned.
If it was really going to be okay like she said, then why did it hurt so bad?