Gardenian - Loss
Walker
Walking from sleep in a cold sweat, I can feel that something is missing. Something is not right and I can't explain it. Part of me is terrified, and my chest feels hollow. What is it, what's that feeling that seems to split me open like an egg? Sitting on the edge of my bed, I shiver as the sweat cools on my skin. Stumbling out of bed, I reach the stove, pulling the door open to feed a couple of pieces of timber into the belly of the beast. The flames within stir sluggishly, as though they feel as enervated as I do. Something about the way that they seem so lack lustre troubles me deeply. I want to pick up the phone, reach out to anyone, so that I am not alone with my fears. After more time pacing than I care to admit, I phone down to Evangeline.
"Something is wrong."
"What do you mean, mon petit chou?"
"Something is wrong. I don't feel right, I feel-------hollow. I feel--------strange."
"I will bring you some tea and you may speak, yes?"
"Thank you Evangeline."
She ends the call, and fifteen minutes later, I open my door to her. She carries in a tray bearing a pot of tea and two cups. She can't actually drink the stuff, though she would pour a cup just to share the moment with me. I glance at her and move aside some of my homework to make room for the tray.
"I woke up in a cold sweat, and I feel-------wrong. This is not my bipolar playing up, or anything like that, so don't suggest it. This is more than that, this is part of me missing. The only thing that would cause such a state------."
My throat closes over with terror at the thought. I know that he's gone, but I can't admit it to anyone, not even to myself. I don't want him to be gone, not yet, not before I had a chance to know him, to secure our relationship together. To have lost him like this without actually being able to fight for him, is more than I can bear. Evangeline catches me as I collapse, and lifts me onto my bed. It is a good thing she is a vampire and can lift me easily. As I lie on the bed, I sob like a baby, broken inside for the last time. If I have lost him then I don't want to live. I don't want to spend this lifetime knowing that I had come so close, and yet I had fallen so far short of achieving some measure of happiness with my mate. Evangeline lays beside me, as she did when I was a pup, stroking my hair, while I sob into my pillow. At some time in the small hours of the morning, I fall into an exhausted sleep, spent from crying.
A knock on my door wakes me with a fright. Confused and distraught after last night, I can barely function. The knock sounds again, and I manage to answer in a croaky voice.
"Yes?"
"Walker, honey, Prince Ammon is here."
"I-------I know--------Mother."
"May I come in?"
I manage to make it to the door to let her in. She takes in the hair sticking out in all directions, the dark circles under my eyes and lastly the grief stricken expression in my eyes.
"I'm so sorry Walker, I believed as much as you did, that he was a fighter. Whatever happens, I will shield you as much as I can. I had hoped that I would not have to comfort you like this, but here we are my son. I won't ask you to be strong, I can't ask that. All I will ask you, is to trust that I am here for you, in whatever capacity you need."
"Please just--------let him know that I'll be a few minutes? I need a shower and--------."
"Of course, Walker, I'll let him know immediately."
"Thank you Mother." I manage.
She kisses my cheek softly, squeezes my hand and leaves me to shower. I don't want to go to face him, but I know that I have to. I know that I have to deal with this, as much for me as it is for the Prince. I know that he loves Nefertum at least as much as I do. Whether his feelings are mate feelings or not, I know that there's a strong bond between them. I cannot resent him for this, though I wish I could have been there when my mate passed away. I would have liked to say good bye to him one last time. Dressed in a decent pair of jeans, a t-shirt and hoodie, I have sheepskin boots on and my favourite scarf. Taking the stairs with care, I feel my heart crack with each step. Mother meets me at the bottom of the stairs and leads me to the big formal office. She closes the door and takes up her seat before she nods to Prince Ammon. He nods to her, stands awkwardly, and approaches me. I can see that his eyes are red and puffy from crying, making this horribly real to me. He says nothing at first, simply putting his arms around me and holding me close. It takes me a little while, before I reach out and wrap my arms around his waist. That's it for me, I break down again, shattered by the loss. This is not the outcome that I wanted. I'm so distraught, that I did not notice that someone else was in the room.
"The bond between you is strong. Your love will give him strength to continue his journey."
I break away from the Prince and swing around, almost falling over. Through my tears, I see a small, slightly built figure sitting in a chair behind me. My senses are too confused to take much in other than he seems to be a lot more than he looks, and that unsettles me. I guess he's a vampire, but I can feel power in him, power that not even Evangeline has in her. This one is old, much older than any other vampire I have ever encountered. He reaches out for arm brace crutches, before pushing himself to his feet. It's then that I see his left leg is mangled and unable to bear his weight. What could mangle the limb of a vampire so badly that it does not heal? That makes me shudder slightly, and I feel my heart thump hard against my breastbone. He limps over to me slowly, as the Prince backs up away from him, clearly afraid of him.
"Who------." I hiccup. "Who------are you?"
"I am the Archivist."
I blink, trying to clear my vision, but it's a struggle. I remember I was supposed to meet him a couple of days ago, but excused because I wanted to see my mate. He told Mother that was more important, and let me go see Nefertum instead.
"This isn't really happening, is it? Tell me you know something?"
He shakes his head, sadness in his eyes. I cry harder, not even bothering to hold the tears in now. I can't deal with this, it's too much, and most of me wants to collapse on the spot. I feel hollow and spent as I did last night.
"Forgive me child, but-------even I could do nothing for him. My words are hollow comfort, this I know."
His voice is soft, gentle, almost------almost loving as he speaks. I stare at him, at the long, silky, black hair falling to his slender waist, the pale ghostly skin, the big green eyes that stare at me full of strange fires. They are not human eyes, they have never been human eyes, though he looks human enough at a glance. I've heard whispers of beings I guess you'd call them. Aliens or djinn, or whatever else people call them. He could be any one of those creatures, but my money is on djinn. Something just resonates about that idea and him. I don't know what he is, but I know that I need to be very afraid of him, if the Prince is scared of him. He sees the fear in my eyes and sighs faintly before he speaks with those lovely Cupids bow lips. To a man who likes that sort of thing, I can see how beautiful he would seem. Delicate, androgynous, and beautiful like a marble statue, or the moon. To me, he looks like a porcelain doll somehow come to life. Those eyes though, they seem to see right into me, as though all my soul is flayed open for him to scrutinise.
"You do not need to fear me, child."
I offer a small shrug, my whole body sagging where I stand. He approaches slowly, reaching out to take my hand in his hand. Though it is much smaller than mine, delicate and almost child like, yet there is strength in it, powerful strength. It makes dim sense to me when I look at him, barely five feet tall, so delicate and yet so terrifying. I let him lead me back to the sofa, where he sits down gratefully, before holding out his hand to me. I slouch over, sinking down beside him, before Mother and the Prince leave us to speak.
"Know this, young one, your Lion loves you deeply. Know that your hearts are linked, no matter how much time or space passes between you. He will find you again, it is Fate."
"Everything is riding on me, I'm half crazy, and now I've lost the one support I thought would be there. Giles is my best friend, and I would be lost without him, but it's not the same. I was depending on having someone who would always be there, who would understand my suffering when things are bad with the bipolar."
"Believe that he is with you. Close your eyes, lay your head in my lap and hold my hand. Let your mind relax, let it be free and relax."
Obeying his orders, I rest my head on his right leg and close my eyes. He murmurs to me, convincing me that I can feel the warmth of his love in my heart. I don't know if it's real or not, but it certainly feels that way in this moment.
"When you are hurting, or you are afraid, come back to this moment. Come back to the warmth of his love inside you, and find sanctuary in that. Allow yourself to feel your love for him too, because he will draw strength from that too."
"You keep speaking as though he's alive, when the Prince has told me that he's gone."
"The connection between you is strong enough that he can feel it even where he is. Your love gives him strength and protection."
"I want him to feel that." I whisper.
"Then listen to my voice and follow my words. You have the power to offer yourself comfort and strength, and you have the power to offer him the same."
His voice soothes me, and I can feel what he tells me to feel, the warmth in my chest. I want it to be there, to fill up the hole that threatens to devour me from the inside. I can feel my soul healing when he speaks to me. I don't know what power he has, but it's terrifying, yet still soothing. His fingers stroke my hair much the same way that Evangeline's fingers do, and I feel myself succumb to sleep in the same manner.
The sleep is peaceful this time, with no nightmares, much the same as it is when Evangeline comforts me. I suppose he's a vampire then? The power in his voice certainly suggests as much, though I know he didn't carry me up to my bed. Sitting up, when I wake, I run my fingers through my hair and squint at the time. I think I've slept for a full day and a half. I must have been exhausted. Sleep has not been an easy beast to find in recent weeks. To know that I can sleep as long as this without waking, without nightmares, is---------is comforting. It really did feel on waking, that I had my mate beside me, curled up to my back. I felt the warmth of his presence, of that I am certain. Closing my eyes, I can feel his powerful arms wrapping around me, holding me close, comforting me.