Yay, you guys can finally get an insight on Julianne's thoughts!
As promised, more frequent uploads now that it's summer!
Chapter 16
Julianne's Point of View
I winced, scenes from that night rushing back into my memory as Everly placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Julianne, wake up." Everly soothed, gently shaking me to snap me back into reality. "It's just a dream."
I heard Everly's voice, but I wasn't able to wake up from my nightmare. Images of a bruised and bloody Connor lying on the concrete of the dark alley kept replaying in my mind, haunting me. I watched myself in my dream as I crawled towards Connor, who was lifeless and dead because of me. I watched my twelve year old self cry helplessly, my tears dripping on the red stained shirt of Connor's.
"Shit," I heard Everly curse momentarily, "I'm sorry, Jules."
Suddenly, a shock of cold nerves ran through my body as I sat up straight. I was snapped out of my nightmare as my eyes opened to face a horrified and worried looking Everly. She had a pail in her hands and that was when I finally noticed that I was drenched in cold water, my blonde hair and shirt completely soaked. My trembling hands reached up to touch my cheeks, noticing that my tears had been blended in with the water Everly had thrown on me.
"Sorry about that Jules," Everly apologized profusely, "you just weren't waking up and I got so fucking scared because you started screaming and crying and nothing I did woke you up so I just-."
I wiped away my tears, shaking my head as I released a staggering breath of air. "Don't worry about it." I sighed, realizing how shit of a friend I was to have Everly come over so late at night every other day. "I should be the one apologizing."
Everly wrapped a warm towel over my shoulder, holding my protectively as I buried my face into the crook of her neck. "Don't be ridiculous, Julianne." She muttered. "You had a nightmare about Connor again?"
The tears welled up in my eyes again. I didn't have to answer Everly to let her know that I was dreaming about the night Connor died right before my eyes. "T-They shot him because of me." I cried, my hands clenching. "Connor died because he wanted to protect me from those guys."
"Stop blaming yourself, Julianne." Everly sighed, running a hand through my soaked hair. "It's not your fault; it never was."
"I should've let them take me and kill me!" I screamed, feeling rampage surge through my veins. "Why the fuck did Connor have to step in and get himself shot by those gang members? Why did I let them do those things to him? Why the fuck did it have to be Connor and not me?!"
"Julianne." Everly croaked, making me realize that I had made her cry, too. "Julianne, shut up. Your brother protected you because he loved you. God, Julianne, it wasn't you fault."
I wailed, feeling my insides breaking. "They killed him." I whispered repeatedly, my entire body trembling. "They all fucking killed him!"
I absolutely hated myself.
I hated that I was alive while my older brother was dead.
I hated with a fucking passion that Connor sacrificed himself in order to save me just because some stupid, perverted gang members wanted to take me that night.
*
"Hey, I'm sorry for calling you out on such a short notice." Ryan apologized the second I arrived in his family's café. "I just wanted to see if you were doing anything today or not."
I smiled, shaking my head as I took a seat at the counter across from Ryan, who was wearing his barista apron with the logo of Patisserie Café printed across the center. "Don't worry about it." I shrugged, playing with the spoon of my hot chocolate, which was waiting for me when I arrived five minutes ago. "It's not like I have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon."
Ryan smiled, his light eyes glimmering under the lights of the café. I immediately blushed under his gaze as I cleared my throat to try to cover myself up. Ryan had this strange affect on me that I couldn't exactly put a pin on. It was completely extraterrestrial to me- one minute I'd get all warm and jittery around Ryan, and the next I would get this fluttery feeling in my stomach whenever I was near him. Never have I felt that way for anyone before, and it really scared the living wits out of me.
"Well, I'm really glad you're here." Ryan said quickly, almost as if he was nervous to tell me. "I get off in ten minutes and I was wondering if maybe you would want to go grab an early dinner with me?"
Great, there goes that odd feeling of warmth, again.
"Yeah, sure." I nodded, feeling myself smile without my permission. "I'd really like that."
After ten minutes of observing Ryan at work, I noticed that he was very charming with his female customers. I chuckled to myself at one point when Ryan was complimenting an older woman on her new hairstyle, and I wondered if Ryan was the reason why most of Patisserie Café's customers came. But as I took an indulging sip of my rich hot chocolate specially prepared by Ryan, I realized that the quality of the café's menu items were the main reason why people always raved about this place.
"Sorry you had to wait so long." Ryan emerged from behind the counter as he pulled a sweater over his head, messing up his mass of blonde hair in the process.
I released a smile as I reached over to flatten out Ryan's unruly hair, despite the fact that my fingers were tingling at the touch. "It wasn't so bad." I admitted, shoving my hands back into the pocket of my coat. "I had fun watching you flirt with your older customers."
Ryan's cheeks turned pink, and I was sure that it wasn't due to the fact that the wind was nipping against his skin in this cold weather. "It wasn't flirting." Ryan insisted. "It was more like me trying to be a gentleman."
I laughed, tilting my head to the side in attempt to make fun of Ryan further more. "Trying, huh?" I asked. "Was it working?"
Ryan stuck his nose in the air, grinning. "Like a charm."
I rolled my eyes as Ryan directed me to his car, which was parked at the parking lot located behind the café. I slid into the passenger seat, buckling myself in as Ryan started up the car, turning the heat to its maximum. I placed my cold hands against the vents of where the warm air was coming from, releasing a sigh. "That feels good." I mumbled, rubbing my hands together in attempt for warmth.
Just as Ryan was about to pull the car out of the parking lot, he stopped and glanced over at me with his eyebrows furrowed together. "You're cold?" he asked, not waiting for my response. Without warning, Ryan pulled his hooded sweatshirt over his head, handing it to me. I stared at Ryan's outstretched arm before blinking. "Ryan, this is unnecessary. I wasn't trying to make it seem like I-."
Ryan chuckled with amusement lingering on his tone before he leaned over me, pulling the sweatshirt over my head. "You talk too much." He grinned before continuing to buckle himself back into the driver's seat. "Wouldn't want you to catch a cold now, do I?"
I stared at Ryan with awe, feeling the warmth from his body still on the sweater. I closed my eyes briefly, taking in the light scent of Ryan's laundry detergent mixed in with the cologne he uses daily. "Thanks." I whispered once I opened back up my eyes. "Won't you be cold, though?"
"I don't get as cold as easily as you do." Ryan teased.
I bit back a smile, fumbling with the length of Ryan's sweatshirt that reached past my fingers. "You're really nice." I said softly.
Ryan didn't even blink an eye. He kept his gaze focused on the road before us while saying, "Only to you, Julianne Hart."
*
"How did you know that comfort food is my favorite kind of food?" I asked once Ryan and I sat down in a booth that was in the best local Southern diner in town.
"Who doesn't like a little bit of mac and cheese?" Ryan asked. "And it might gotten it out from Everly that you were a fan of comfort food."
I frowned, glancing up from the menu that the waitress had set in front of us when we first came in. "You asked Everly what my favorite food was?"
Ryan looked the slightest bit nervous as he adverted his gaze to the menu, biting his lower lip. "Yeah, well-," he paused, giving me a shy smile, "I had to impress you somehow."
I felt my cheeks turn warm as I cleared my throat. I nodding, pretending like I understood but on the inside, I was being overwhelmed by how happy I was that Ryan Leighton expressed some sort of feeling towards me. I knew now that I wasn't the only one who had feelings here. "I like that." I said. "I like that you care."
Ryan looked up from his menu, looking like he had something urgent to say. Before a word got to come out of his mouth, our waitress came back with a pen and notepad in her hands. "Is the adorable couple ready to order yet?"
*
"I always love the city during this time of the year." Ryan said as we walked down street later that evening. I stared at the twinkly bulbs of light with amazement. I stopped in front of the tall Christmas tree that stood high and mighty in the center of the city. The star, although was powered by electricity, seemed so real because of how bright it was glowing.
A squeal left my lips as I saw a humorous ornament of a bowl of mac and cheese. It was incredibly ironic since Ryan and I had just devoured some of it hours before coming into the city. "Ryan, look!" I grinned as I outstretched my left arm, my index finger arrowed towards the ornament. "It's a bowl of-."
Suddenly, my left wrist was caught by Ryan's hand. I blinked, staring up at him with surprise to see that Ryan's face had gone rock solid. "Julianne," his voice seemed uneasy and pained at the same time, "what is this?"
Ryan released his grip from my arm and revealed the row of scars that led from my inner wrist all the way up to my forearm. My eyes widened with shock as I quickly rolled down my sleeve, feeling panic overwhelm me. "N-Nothing, it's nothing." My voice shook dangerously as I spoke.
I felt tears brimming in my eyes as I quickly blinked, hoping that they would vanish. I was horribly petrified that Ryan was so close to finding out about me; the real me. I didn't want Ryan to find out that I was troubled and incredibly insane. I didn't want him to know about my past and how I still am affected by what happened to Connor now. He would leave. Ryan would leave me and never come back. I didn't know if I could afford for that to happen.
"Jules," Ryan's voice broke as his fingers lingered on my arm, "please tell me what this is."
I felt the harsh winds pinch me as I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling my heart race from how terrified I was. "No, Ryan." I said with defeat. "I can't."
Suddenly, I felt my arm being pulled forward. Ryan had my arm held out as he pushed my sleeves up, rolling them all the way to my elbow. My ugly scars were revealed in the dim light from the Christmas tree. There was nothing more I wanted to do than run and hide. "Ryan, can you stop?" I cried, my cheeks becoming moist. "If you're disgusted, just leave and-,"
Ryan pressed his lips against my scars, kissing all eleven of them.
"You're beautiful." He whispered, holding my hands protectively. "I would never leave you."
My lips parted as I stared back at him with surprise. "What?"
Ryan gave me a soft smile, his thumb gently creating circles on my palms. "Julianne, I don't care that you have depression. If I did, I would've left a long time ago. But I don't, hence why I'm still here."
"Y-You knew?" I asked.
Ryan nodded slowly, giving my hands a gentle squeeze. "I've known for a while now. There were always hints about it but I didn't want to believe any of it until I found your meds that you dropped in my car two weeks ago."
I gulped. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
Ryan leaned in and kissed my cheek. "I wanted to, but I figured that when you were ready you would tell me." He sighed, closing his eyes. "But, seeing your arm for the first time- it struck something inside of me. I couldn't go on pretending like I didn't know anymore."
I nodded, biting my lower lip. "A-And you're still here?"
Ryan laughed, his eyes sparking under the darkness. Without a reply, Ryan reached his hand to the back of my neck, holding my gently. Tilting my head up gently, Ryan leaned in and kissed me.