Well this was it.
I was actually here on my first day of filming and walking out onto that film set for the very first time was absolutely terrifying.
I stood there, clutching my bag tightly in my hands for comfort and not knowing what to do or where to go, whilst everyone else around me seemed to know exactly what they were doing.
This was so alien to me.
At the theatre, I was so used to the way things were run, that nothing ever bothered me there. Here, I felt totally isolated and hoped that someone would point me in the right direction.
" Hey".
I heard a shout from behind me and looked around to see a girl with very long dark hair approaching me.
I smiled at her in relief that I had been noticed and figured that she was a behind the scenes staff member who helped the newbies.
"Are you new here?". She asked.
I nodded gratefully at her and my smile became wider as I started to relax a little.
Thank heavens she had spotted me and my obvious dilemma. Now she would ask me to follow her somewhere and I could prepare myself or get changed or something.
But strangely she just stood there, looking at me, then with a toss of her long dark hair she then said:
"Thought I hadn't seen you before. Are you an extra?".
I shook my head, still hoping that she was here to help me.
"Not an extra huh?". She went on, now folding her arms across her chest.
"No, my name is Gwen Stevens". I introduced myself as cheerfully as I could.
The girl's eyes widened at me, as if suddenly realising something, so I went on:
"I'm playing the part of Christina................".
But I didn't get to finish.
"Oh, so you're the little theatre actress then are you?". She almost scoffed.
I stared at her. I wasn't particularly liking her tone with me and quickly realised that she hadn't actually come over to help me at all.
"Well, you'll find this a whole different ball game now love. If you thought that film making was a walk in the park, then you can think again sweetheart". She went on, as she tossed her hair once again over her shoulder.
" I didn't say any..........". 'But I was stopped from trying to explain myself to her, by the appearance of none other than renowned film actress Patricia Mae.
I recognised her immediately for she was pretty well known.
"Are you OK?". She asked, looking at me kindly.
I couldn't help but to gawp at her. I couldn't believe that she was actually stood there beside me.
Patricia Mae was also in this film and would be, in actual fact, playing my mother! Although she wasn't in this particular one very much, she had played some pretty major parts in films in the past and was a very accomplished, well respected film actress.
" You're not being mean Madeleine, are you?". She suddenly asked, turning towards the girl with the long, dark hair, who now seemed to be scowling at me somewhat.
" No". She answered sternly. "Gwen and I are mearly just getting acquainted, aren't we?".
She now looked at me, almost daring me not to say any different.
" Um". The film actress pondered. "Well, I'll take over from here". She went on, "And take Gwen to where she needs to be, so you can leave us now if you like".
Madeleine gave her a cold, hard stare and I was astounded that she would in fact do this to such a famous person.
"Go on then". Patricia went on. "I'm sure you are needed elsewhere".
Madeleine scowled at the both of us, before slowly moving away as now the very famous, well known actress turned to look at me.
"Now then Gwen. Let's take a look at you". She said looking right at me, her steely grey eyes searching every contour of my face before giving the whole of my body the once over.
I felt a little uncomfortable by this, but she didn't seem to be doing it maliciously. It was more out of interest than anything else.
She then stepped back and nodded slowly to herself. Then pressing a forefinger to her lips, she then said:
"You'll do very nicely, very nicely indeed". She now grinned.
I smiled shyly at her.
"I can certainly see why Alan was so keen to have you play Christina". She went on. "You're just up his street".
"I........I.....am?". I swallowed hard, feeling my face flush at her words.
Patricia began to laugh.
"Oh yes". She confirmed. "He was absolutely determined for you to get the part and so thrilled when you did. He was terrified though, that you would in fact turn it down. Kept telling me about this beautiful theatre actress he had been working with on this play and how he really hoped that you would take this part on despite your lack of experience in the film industry".
I stared at her.
I had no idea at all about any of this and my face reddened even more.
"Come along, I'll take you to your trailer and introduce you to some people. You look like a rabbit that's been caught in the headlights". She smiled.
I laughed quietly, although I was desperately nervous of both her and this whole situation I now found myself in, but I obediently followed her.
As we walked, she began talking to me again:
"You see, Madeleine really wanted the part of Christina. Thought she was sure to get it, until Alan said differently. I think she was pretty put out about it to be honest. Just because her father is Joey Dawson". She explained.
I looked at her in complete surprise.
" Joey Dawson................the famous playwright?". I asked.
"Uh, ha, the very one". Patricia nodded.
"So.....she's Maddie Dawson the film actress?". I asked.
Patricia again nodded.
"Although she's under the distinct impression that any film she wants the starring role in, she gets. Simply because of who her father is. Its not even that she's particularly talented either, and Alan, to his credit as seen her for what she is"
Explained Patricia.
I stared hard at her, as she then looked at me and smiled.
"He did have his knuckles severely wrapped though for sticking to his guns about introducing you to the part". She went on.
"He did?". I spoke quietly.
"Everyone was a bit sceptical about Alan's choice at first, you have to understand. I mean, there was Madeleine, full of experience, chomping at the bit, so to speak, to get this part and Alan kept on saying no to the idea of using her". Patricia said.
"Was? Was it really up to him, Alan I mean. Does he really have a big say in who's in the film?". I asked, feeling a tad uncomfortable with all of this.
Patricia shook her head.
"No, he doesn't. Not really. But if I were in his shoes, I'd want to make sure that the person I have to romp about in a bed with, was at least someone I was attracted to!".
My face went into an instant blush, which didn't go unnoticed by her.
"Oh, I'm most terribly sorry. I shouldn't have said that". She apologised "But knowing Alan as I do, well that would be his reason, I am sure of it".
I took in a very deep breath and tried to calm my racing heart. If what she was telling me was in fact true, this was immense.
" You'll have to watch out for Madeleine though, for I am quite sure that she'll be extremely jealous of you. She's had the hots for Alan for simply ages now". Patricia sighed deeply. "As we all have, to be honest". She smiled.
" Looking forward to playing the part of Christina more than anything, she was, but sadly for her Alan was not at all interested in her in that way, nor indeed in any of her work".
I gulped in shock.
"I......I....don't want to step on any one's toes". I said "Especially someone of Maddie Dawson's calibre".
Patricia smiled and shook her head at me.
"I wouldn't worry about that". She said, "Alan had pretty much made up his mind about you having the part, she wouldn't have stood as cat in hell's chance, darling".
I put my head down. I didn't realise any of this.
My first few moments on a film set and already I seemed to be causing ructions. And I thought that my ex room mate Beth was a nasty piece of work!
It now appeared that I had a new rival to contend with and
I could see I was going to have to really up my game somewhat if I was going to succeed here. Especially now that I knew exactly what had been going on behind the scenes, so to speak!
I really needed to prove that Alan's faith in me was totally justified, for I had absolutely no idea at all just how much, he had actually wanted me to play Christina, when all the while he just seemed so cool about it.
"Here we are then". Patricia now said, stopping outside a modest looking trailer.
I had been so far away with my immense thoughts that I hadn't actually realised that we had walked so far.
"This is number 29. Remember it. Nothing more embarrassing than walking in on some one thinking it was yours". She laughed, opening the door.
"Um, are they not locked". I said, as she went inside.
Patricia now returned in the doorway holding up a set of keys.
"Not until you occupy it. But most people leave them opened you see, particularly if they have the costumes, make up and hair stylists coming and going". She said, handing me the keys.
I took them gingerly from her.
"Don't look so worried". She grinned. "It's quite normal".
I smiled awkwardly back at her, for she was right. I was worried. Very worried.
"Now go ahead inside and and make yourself at home. I think there's tea and coffee making facilities in there and maybe even biscuits, if you're lucky. I'll get some people over to introduce themselves. Oh, and by the way, I'm Patricia". She grinned, extending a hand out towards me.
"I know". I answered with a laugh "I recognised you straight away". I then took her hand to shake it most gratefully.
"And I'm Gwen Stevens". I went on.
Patricia smiled at me.
"Lovely to make your acquaintance". She said, "Although I also knew who you were upon setting eyes on you. Alan had described you most eloquently".
I put my head down shyly and felt my face blush for the hundredth time today as Patricia went to move away.
" I'll see you later on Gwen Stevens". She said with a wave of a hand, as she walked away.
"Ok, and.........thank you". I shouted after her.
Turning now towards the open door of my private trailer, I wondered what it would really be like inside. Would it be dark and grotty with mildew on the windows like some old tramp had been living in it?
With more than slight trepidation, I entered inside to be surprisingly greeted by a large bouquet of fresh flowers that had already been placed in a handsome vase on a table. There was also a large full length mirror, two chairs, an armchair and a chaise longue that had a fluffy white blanket folded neatly at one end of it and a couple of big cushions.
There was also a counter with a kettle, a couple of cups, a jar of coffee and a bag of tea.
No biscuits though.
That didn't worry me, for my immediate thoughts were about those gorgeous flowers and who had sent them.
Putting down my bag I walked over and took in their heady aroma. White roses intertwined with delicate gyp. They were beautiful.
I bent down and looked for the card that would have accompanied them.
Perhaps Amelia had sent them?
That would have been nice of her, but not really her style.
Maybe it was Maya?
No. Even though I had managed to apologise to her about standing her up the other day, I hadn't really explained to her about my plans concerning this film. She wouldn't have known anything about my whereabouts, even though it wasn't beyond the realms of possibility, considering she now worked in a florists!
Then there was Marcus.
Well that was not possible, for he like Maya, knew nothing about all of this. Stupidly I hadn't had the chance to tell him either, and this I felt truly bad about. I mean, I was actually here now and about to start on my new film career and I hadn't even told my best friend.
This was truly shameful.
I gave a deep sigh.
So no one knew. Not really. Only Alan.
Oh my God! Alan!
My heart began racing and my stomach twisted horribly giving me the distinct feeling of nausea as I then noticed the little envelope that had been pushed just underneath the vase.
I took in a breath, trying to calm my nerves as I picked it up with trembling hands.
It had to be from him, I thought to myself. No one else knew about all of this and after what Pamela had been saying about his determination to have me playing the part, well it would surely stand to sense that he would want to give me a good welcome and what better way to do it than with a lovely bouquet.
I grew quite excited as I opened the tiny envelope with my name on it in unfamiliar writing and pulled out the card from inside.
All sorts of emotions and feelings suddenly filled my head as I read the hand written words on the card.
"Dearest Gwen
Hope it all goes well for you. Your Father and I are so very proud and we hope to see you very soon.
Much love, Mum & Dad. XX "
It was simple and to the point and left me with a feeling of sadness and guilt.
Of course, my parents knew all about this and I hadn't even considered it could have been them who sent the flowers!
And although it was a lovely and wonderful gesture, I felt incredibly disappointed that it wasn't in fact Alan who had sent them.
Oh, how I wish it had of been. It would have been so nice if he had.
But then again, why on earth would he?
The last time I had spoken to him I was rude and obnoxious, cruel and very unkind. Gosh, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he never wanted to speak to me again, never mind buy me flowers!
It probably wasn't a thing he would do anyway and thinking about it logically he didn't really strike me as a hearts and flowers sort of man. He was far too practical for that sort of caper.
Sighing, I sat down on one of the nearby chairs and holding the card tightly in my hand, I looked around me. This was really a rather nice place to be. My very own trailer, on a film set and about to embark on one of the most exciting times of my life.
So why then, was I feeling so incredibly sad and alone.
The rest of the day went by fairly quickly. I was met by a steady stream of various people, all of whom came to talk about the style of Christina. The clothes she would be wearing, how she had her make up done and the way she would have her hair. It was brilliant to be surrounded by so many professional and such talented people but it was difficult to try and remember all of their names though!
By the end of it all, I felt totally exhausted and I hadn't even started filming yet!
Arriving back at the flat, I slumped onto the sofa with my head still spinning from that afternoons activities.
I had actually made my own way to and from the studios by public transport but was aware that some of the film crew had been supplied with a car and a driver. I had noticed that Maddie Dawson was one of these as she glared hard at me from the back of a black limousine as it drove passed.
I tried not to let the look she gave bother me, but as I sat on the bus, watching the streets of London going by, I had to admit that it did.
Now back in the safety of the flat, I tried to think of ways that we could at least, get on. I really didn't need or want another Beth to contend with. I'd had enough of all that before.
I knew that she probably didn't want to be best friends with me or anything like that, but it would be nice to have her on my side. After all, unlike Alan I for one did admire her work and thought she was a pretty good actress. I could learn such a lot about film making from her. It was just a pity she was just so hostile towards me.
I gave a deep sigh, as I then closed my eyes and sat back deeply into the sofa.
I must have been asleep for a good hour, for it had now gone dark and I was only awoken by the sound of Marcus coming in all full of loud excitement.
I jumped up from the sofa in shocked surprise as Marcus bounced around the room.
"Ah! Gwen!". He exclaimed excitedly, "you're back!".
I sat upright and tried to stifle a yawn as he thumped down onto the sofa beside me.
"Where have you been all day?". He grinned.
" Um.....". I stuttered, trying to think of a way to explain my absence.
But Marcus didn't seem all that concerned in waiting for an explanation, instead he grabbed at my arm excitedly and then squeezing it tightly, announced:
" You'll never guess what? Hugo is going ahead and directing another play!"
I put my head down and shook it sadly:
"He's been going on about doing that for ages now. If people have to wait any longer, they will get fed up and move elsewhere". I sighed.
Marcus began to laugh.
"No, no Gwen. He's really going ahead with it this time!". He stated.
I moved from my seat. I had such a dry mouth and needed a cuppa to refresh me. To be honest, this sort of thing had been going on long enough and giving false hope like this to everyone, especially Marcus was probably Hugo's idea of fun.
"I've heard it all before Marcus". I sighed. "I'm afraid Hugo is all talk".
Marcus leaned back on the sofa as I got to my feet, and nonchalantly put his hands behind his head as he smiled at me.
"Well that's where you're wrong, my dearest Gwen" He said with a satisfied grin.
I stopped in my tracks from going towards the kitchen area and looked at him.
"You see, he's already set the wheels in motion for doing Solomon Wright's Act of Defence. So what have you got to say about that then?". Marcus announced with a satisfied grin.
I stood there open mouthed at him.
Act of Defence was only one of my all time favourite plays, especially Solomon Wright's version and I could not believe that Hugo was actually going to do it!
I had suggested it to him on numerous occasions, but it seemed to all fall on deaf ears.
This was a real revelation.
Providing that it was all true, of course.
" Ah, see that surprised you then didn't it". Marcus continued to grin, now also getting to his feet.
"Well, yes. It has a little bit". I admitted. "I never thought that Hugo was very interested in doing that one, to be honest"
Marcus sidled his way behind me and wrapped his arms affectionately all the way around my body in a loving embrace.
I immediately felt comfortable within them, but knew that although lovely, it wasn't at all sexual.
"He loved your idea Gwendolyn". He spoke into my ear. "Always did, but you know Hugo, he loves to keep people guessing, keep them on their toes a bit".
Marcus now pulled away from his loving embrace, but continued speaking:
"He's always been a bit like that. Its part of his appeal I suppose".
I turned and looked at my friend and sadly came to the conclusion that he really was smitten by that creep Hugo and it saddened me. For I wouldn't have called the way in which he treated people by always keeping them guessing, remotely appealing. But I wasn't about to argue with him. There would be little point in it anyway. Marcus loved him and that was that. I would just have to put up with it until the time came when it all inevitably came crashing down around him, as I felt sure that it undoubtedly would, and just be there for him when it all did.
Arguing about Hugo would only serve to drive poor Marcus away from me and I did not want that.
So I smiled sweetly at him as I went towards the kettle.
"I'm making a brew". I then said, "Would you like one?".
Marcus smiled broadly at me and then turned to retrieve a plastic bag from behind the sofa.
I watched as he then produced a bottle of Chardonnay from inside it and held it aloft.
"I think this calls for something a little stronger!". He announced.
I frowned at him. It was totally unlike Marcus to buy wine. Besides, he didn't have any money.
" Where.........?......but why?.......". I asked.
But already he was coming over and placing the bottle on the kitchen counter, he then proceeded to look for some glasses and I watched him for a second as having found them, he then began to open the bottle.
"What's going on?". I then asked.
Marcus now handed me a glass and smiling broadly, then announced:
"Guess whose been given the lead role of Tobias in the play then?". He asked, his face beaming.
I stared hard at him as he then began to nod his head.
"Yes, me!, isn't that fantastic!". Marcus laughed. "Of course, Hugo said there was absolutely no favouritism, I got the part on my own merit. Isn't that marvellous!".
I took a sip of wine and nodded my head with a smile. I loved how totally animated Marcus got. It was as if he was already in a play just in his every day life!
"And that's not all. Guess who plays the lead female role?". He went on.
I shook my head at him, although I was quite sure that it would be Maya. Marcus's enthusiasm told me that, for he knew just how made up I would be if she actually did get the part. After all, she totally deserved it.
"The part of Katherine will be played by none other than yourself, isn't that just simply marvellous?. We get to play opposite one another again. The fantastic duo strike again! Well, Hugo thought we had such great chemistry in the last play, so why break up a winning formula? Isn't it just the best?". Marcus enthused.
I took in a big breath.
This was bad. Very bad.
How on earth could I commit to playing a leading role in a play when I am actually in a film as well. It just couldn't be done.
My stomach twisted and I felt sick. This wouldn't have happened if I had just come clean in the first place and had told Marcus of my plans. Now I was really going to annoy everyone by having to leave the theatre just as rehearsals are about to begin on another play!
Why didn't I just say something in the first place?
What was it with all this secrecy?
What exactly did I expect to gain from it all and now I had landed myself in a right mess.
The expression on my face must have told Marcus that I was not as pleased as he so obviously thought that I was going to be, for now he was now looking at me most curiously.
I took in another big breath.
"Wouldn't it be better if Maya was to do it instead of me?, I mean she's been crying out for a major part in ages now. It would be a lot fairer if she had the chance this time, don't you think?". I said.
Marcus was silent for a moment and just stood there staring at me as I could see quite clearly the excitement within him slowly beginning to ebb away.
" Don't you want to play opposite me again?". He asked sadly.
"Oh no, its not that, its not that at all. Goodness me Marcus I loved playing opposite you. It was fantastic". I said quickly.
" So what is it then?" He asked, in the sort of tone that made me wonder if he indeed knew of the little secret that I had been keeping from him.
Maybe it was time to come clean and tell him, then face the consequences afterwards. I mean the timing couldn't have been worse but then again when was the right time. Whenever I told him, he was going to be devastated I just knew it. That was the kind of person who Marcus was. He liked to keep everyone together. I remembered how his persona changed towards Beth when he knew she was leaving. He was horrid and hardly gave her the time of day.
I wasn't looking forward to him being that way with me and it would be worse too, because I would still be living here!
I took a large swig of the Chardonnay almost emptying the glass, before looking over at Marcus who was staring at me expectantly.
" Well?". He asked.
And for a moment I really thought that he did know and he was just waiting for me to confirm it in front of him.
But how could he? It could not have been possible.
"Well, its just that I don't believe I could really give my full commitment to such a huge undertaking such as this, not at the moment anyway". I began to try and explain.
Marcus narrowed his eyes at me.
"Really? I thought that José was pretty good at letting you take time off for your theatre work. He was always very supportive when it came to your acting, you always said. So what's changed?".
I swallowed hard.
"It has nothing to do with José". I said.
Marcus tilted his head to one side and frowned.
"So whose it got to do with then, because it has to be someone. You wouldn't normally want to give up a starring role like this, especially in one of your favourite plays".
"I know". I answered quietly, "And believe me I wouldn't without good reason. But, well you see you're not going to like this".
I took in a mighty breath, only to be stopped by going any further, with the sudden loud sound of the telephone ringing.
Talk about being saved by the bell!
"That will be Hugo". Marcus said, almost angrily, "He'll be wanting to know how you feel about taking the leading part once again, no doubt".
I breathed a somewhat hefty sigh of relief as Marcus reached for the receiver.
"I'll leave you with the task of telling him of your reason for letting us down then". He spat angrily.
I glared at Marcus.
That, I would not have a problem with.
I would, in fact, find it quite pleasurable to tell Hugo of my reasons and something I would not have any difficulty with at all.
"Hello". Marcus spoke down the phone as I waited for him to hand it to me.
But instead he looked somewhat bewildered.
" Yes......she's here.......um....may I ask who this is please?". He spoke and I realised that it wasn't in fact Hugo he was actually speaking to.
My stomach twisted.
Oh goodness, what if it someone from the film set asking for me?
Just when I thought that I had been saved, for the time being at least, it now seemed that I had been rumbled anyway.
Marcus looked at me as he was obviously listening to the voice on the other end and listening intently.
" Oh, I see". He then said slowly. "Well, I'll just have to see if she actually wants to speak to you, because if my memory serves me right I wouldn't be at all surprised if she never wanted to speak to you ever again".
He added, his voice sounded quite stern, almost angry.
I now stared at Marcus opened mouthed.
Who on earth was he talking like that to?
Obviously someone whom he thought that I wasn't all that keen on speaking to, by the tone of his voice but who was it?
He still remained listening to the voice on the other end, as I was now extremely curious to know who it was, until a horrible thought suddenly hit me!
Oh my, it wouldn't be Alan? Would it?
Oh Christ, what if it was?
Ringing up to see how I had got on today on the film set!
My insides were now doing summersaults.
It was, in fact highly possible that this was who Marcus was talking to for he knew how much I disliked Alan when we were doing the play together.
I took in a breath as I tried to calm myself, for little did Marcus know that my feelings for Alan had drastically changed in recent weeks. I certainly didn't need Marcus to fight any battles for me anymore concerning him.
"So? You've been talking to her then?". Marcus then spoke, as he now turned to look at me.
My heart flipped nervously.
I wish he'd stop now and just give me the goddam phone!
"Well I hope you apologised for the way you treated her". He went on.
I now leaned forward, it had to be Alan who he was talking to, but he was being particularly harsh with him on my behalf, when really there was no need anymore.
When I really felt like shit by the way Alan had spoken to me at the theatre, it seemed that no one cared at all. It was as if they were all too terrified to stand up to him, especially for me. However, now there was nothing to lose, Marcus was really giving him the third degree.
"That's alright then". Marcus went on, "But just do not say anything out of turn to her, alright?".
At last, he now handed me the phone, but gave me a warning glare as he did it.
I brought it up to my ear in relief and spoke rather tentevely fully aware that Marcus was still standing there over me.
"Um......hello". I said, fully expecting the dulcet tones of Alan Rickman to now reply.
They did not.
Instead I heard a familiar, but be it a rather irate voice answering me on the other end. And it wasn't Alan Rickman!
"Woah! He's rather up tight isn't he?". The voice said.
"Ashcroft?". I asked.
"Is he always like that?". The voice went on. "He needs to take a chill pill and learn to relax a little".
I let out a somewhat relieved breath.
Of course Marcus would be like this with Ashcroft!
Marcus was the one whom I had come home too night after night, devastated about how Ashcroft had been towards me. Breaking my heart like he did all that time ago!
Marcus had said to me then, if he ever saw Ashcroft again he'd have it out with him.
Time had, of course healed me, but hadn't done the same for my dear friend.
Marcus, it would seem, could certainly hold a grudge.
By now though, I was more concerned with the reason why Ashcroft had phoned me and not in the way that Marcus had spoken to him.
"Ashcroft, is everything alright?" I asked, "Where's Amelia?".
There was a moments silence on the other end of the phone.
"Everything is not alright actually". He spoke quietly. "You see, she's left me. Amelia's left me".