◤ chapter nineteen: ❛ upward
climb ❜ ◢
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TONI THOUGHT THAT ROLLERCOASTERS WERE THE PERFECT METAPHOR FOR LIFE ITSELF. Sometimes, you were on Cloud Nine, soaring about the world with her hands in the air in anticipation for what was to come, smiling wildly and carelessly, drunk on love or whatever toxin you ingested, but after Cloud Nine came the fall. The deepest parts of the world, where you hit rock bottom and slowly had to climb back to where you were in the first place.
She knew before that she was on a downward slope, going from that wild looseness that allowed her to feel comfortable in her ever-changing life to that slump of nothing even mattered with that bitterness building in the back of her throat, and she knew exactly when she hit rock bottom. That was when she lost trust in her friends, when Atlas pulled away and she allowed him, turning her back from him out of spite because if he could do that to her then surely she could do that to him, then again when Sabrina pushed her towards something she wanted but didn't admit in attempts to pretend that her own life wasn't a mess as well.
Her rock bottom was being a shitty friend and allowing all her friends to leave, turning back to them because that was easier then chasing after them and forcing them to talk to her and work out everything in their lives. It was easier just to go rather than to tough it through to the other side and be there for them. Sadly, she chose the easier route and now she was paying the price.
But she thought she was getting better, going on an upward climb after talking to Harry and admitting that maybe they weren't enemies anymore and could be friends before having a real conversation with Atlas and getting through all the mushy shit they needed to before knocking back drinks together like they used to do.
This was better; this had to be an upward climb because, God, she needed one. She needed Sabrina back, she needed her friend to help her guide her through her feelings with Harry because she needed some good guidance. She needed something because they were somewhat friends now and he sat with them at lunch one day and it took everything in her not to snap at him because that was easier than being friendly to him even though she also wanted to reach out and hold him forever.
God, feelings were so complicated. She was all over the place and nothing felt quite right.
But she didn't know what to say, didn't know what to admit to her, because there was so much to say and everything was so bad and daunting to her. Everything made her sound like such a villain, and she really wasn't trying to be. She was just existing, and it was tireless, and she felt like maybe there was no chance for her.
Nothing mattered really, did it? Nothing mattered but it did – it mattered so much and it ate her alive. Her reactions, her rock bottom, the downward slope that lead to all of this...it all mattered so much. Sabrina's feelings, the weight she must have felt when she thought she was going to do, the smile she plastered on her face to ignore it, it all mattered so much and Toni was too selfish to recognize it at first, so focused on her own problems and her own declining rollercoaster ride rather than Sabrina's.
That was surely a sign of a shitty friend, right? That was surely a sign that she didn't deserve Sabrina and that she should just be left behind, left to crumble some more because she focused too much on herself rather than anyone else.
Because she was Antoinette Alderson, the princess of her family who was expected to play her part in the family perfectly. A power hungry gaze, a deceptive smile, a narcissistic attitude and a willingness to do whatever she needed to get exactly what she wanted. That was supposed to be her, and maybe sometimes it was. But she didn't want to just be that, she wanted to be Toni who hung out with Sabrina, who was so carelessly herself on Cloud Nine, and that wasn't her right now. She wasn't that, and she hated that she allowed herself to fall back into exactly what an Alderson was supposed to be rather than what she wanted to be.
She wasn't Antoinette; she was Toni, and it was time she started acting like that again.
"I don't see why it's such a huge deal," Harry leaned into her, his blond hair tousled and not refined, the way it usually was, but now in the direct sunlight it seemed more apparent. "She's your friend."
Toni huffed at him. He had absolutely no idea about her internal crisis. In theory? Maybe, yeah, it's as easy as breathing, but in practice it was hard because she had to communicate exactly how she felt into words for Sabrina to understand instead of the turmoil ripping her apart inside.
"I know she is," Toni snapped, because she honestly couldn't help herself when he said something like that, "But I want her to understand. I don't just want to unload this all onto her and make it seem like her fault because it's not. It's mine and my stupid head's and I need her to see that. Besides...I'm not the best with words."
She sheepishly admitted the last part, turning to the boy who probably knew that more than anyone. Well, maybe not, because it wasn't like she told him the meaning behind her harsh words especially after she realized the whole feelings thing, but it was there and he definitely caught it more than anyone.
Whether he knew it or not, probably not, he nodded anyway. "Then write her a letter."
Toni snorted. "Yeah, like we're in the 1800s. I don't think so."
"Text?"
"This is too personal for a text," she shook her head, "Fuck, I thought you were supposed to have good advice. Wasn't that your thing? You promised to not judge me and give me advice about my fucking problems."
Harry shrugged at her, and for a moment she wondered how she had gotten there. One moment she never wanted to see him and the next they were sharing conversations like they had been friends for years. It felt wrong to give so much of her secrets to him, but it felt easier than telling Atlas or even Sabrina because they were still impersonal with each other.
"I told you I would give you advice, never said it was good," Harry corrected her, "Besides, I've never gotten in a fight like this was a friend...never really had friends before to do that with."
It felt like he punched the air right out of her with that, and she had to look away. Of course he had friends, she had seen so many pictures of him hanging out with people – famous and not – so he had to have had friends. Yet, did she really know him well enough to know that for sure? She hung out with plenty of people she wasn't friends with. Betty and Cindy were prime examples of that.
So maybe he didn't, and maybe Midtown was his first experience with real friendships and rivalries turned friendships, and it made Toni feel guilty for expecting him to solve all her problems.
"I didn't think of that," she admitted, because saying that was easier than actually apologizing. It wasn't in her nature to be apologetic; it was more genetic to be unabashedly herself without an excuses and if anyone had a problem then they could fuck off.
But she wasn't Antoinette, the daughter that Eden always dreamed of, she was Toni. Toni who her grandparents disliked because that was a name for a boy and she was supposed to be their pretty Antoinette, and Toni who didn't listen to her family. That wasn't her.
"It's alright," Harry sent her a sure smile and for a moment she felt better before slumping again because it wasn't his job to make her feel better. In fact, she didn't like it at all. This was supposed to be a pity party for her, not a way for him to make her feel better about herself. God, he was the worst! "It's not something I publicly say."
She bit on the inside of her lip because part of her wanted to argue about that, take fault because she had to make herself feel bad, but it didn't feel right. With Sabrina or Atlas she wouldn't have hesitated, but with Harry she had to. She wanted to argue that she should've known but in reality they didn't know each other, they were still practically strangers, so she couldn't have. She had no grounds to argue on.
"Yeah," she nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear and turning to him again. "This is just supposed to be my upward climb, too. I know that sounds entitled, but my brain just keeps going there."
Harry raised an eyebrow at that. "Upward climb?"
She nodded. "It's how I look at things. I went downhill, ended up at rock bottom – or not rock bottom because my life wasn't ending but close enough really – and now I'm going back up to where everything was good. Upward climb."
Harry looked her over before turning away, nodding to himself before humming. "Never thought about it like that, but I think I like it."
She hated that she took pride in that, something swelling up inside her making her happy because he liked something she did. This wasn't her, she didn't fall apart because of one person, didn't come undone because some boy said he liked her, but here she was. Doing exactly that. Falling apart because Harry liked her philosophy on life, not that it even fucking mattered really.
This wasn't who she was supposed to be, so she beat down that pride swelling inside her until it was so broken and bloody and practically nonexistent. She didn't need this. She just needed to take pride in herself, from her own praise, not the praise from some boy even if her feelings decided he was particularly sweet and fine.
"Thanks," she said because it felt a little necessary. She blinked, eyes focusing on people passing on the street instead of him so that she could readjust herself until her cheeks turned their normal shade again from where they flared up before, "I just – God, I don't wanna screw everything up with her again."
It was better to redirect the conversation instead of continuing down this path, instead of sharing more about herself that was actually good for him to praise and not silently judge. When he judged, it was easy not to like him. When she shared something good, it only made her hate herself because he liked her.
"You're not," he assured her, "In fact, I think Sabrina would say you never screwed anything up in the first place."
"Then Sabrina would be lying," Toni rolled her eyes, because even though Harry was probably correct in his assumption, it was also a lie. She was at fault, she did fuck everything up, and she had to acknowledge that and take accountability. She couldn't push the blame somewhere else or ignore it.
"Well, if you wanna tell her that yourself, you probably wanna get going. She's leaving now," Harry motioned to the front doors of Midtown where Sabrina was walking out, having finished whatever she had after school that day.
Toni turned to Harry, wanting to argue and whine, but she had already told him that today was the day along with Atlas, so she couldn't be a wimp and chicken out. She had to do this, for that upward climb, and for herself.
Without saying goodbye, she walked to the pathway where Sabrina was, calling out her name until Sabrina turned around and looked at her, blinking in surprise because it had been more than a few days since they last talked. "Can we talk?" Toni asked her, her heart beating wildly in her chest because she didn't know the answer.
She knew it wouldn't happen but she had fears that Sabrina would be vindictive and walk off, attitude of oh now you wanna talk because that was definitely her own approach to such situations. But that didn't happen, of course, because this wasn't her; this was Sabrina and she was different.
She was golden, so perfectly golden, sweet like peaches and apples, and that wasn't her way.
"Of course," she agreed, quick enough that Toni knew that she was as eager to talk as she was. This was good, she thought, this was the beginning of something good again. God, did she need this good.