◤ chapter sixteen: ❛ stupid
feelings ❜ ◢
⋆
TONI COULDN'T FOCUS. Like, at all. She already had a hard time focusing in Pre-Calc, because it's Pre-Calc and it fucking sucks and is boring and doesn't mean anything anyway, but now she really can't focus because there was so much going on in her life.
First, her best friend almost died and was now acting like it never happened and being too fucking cheerful and didn't let anyone mention the topic around her which was causing some problems.
Second, she was lying to her best friend because it seemed really selfish to talk about her wham-bam thank you ma'am feeling realization for Harry fucking Osborn (who was still the worst person to ever live in her opinion) when she almost just died.
Third, she had fucking feelings for Harry Osborn and that was too big of a deal to ignore even though she really wished she could, like !!!!
And fourth, her other best friend was keeping shit from her and saying that he couldn't tell her which was fine, totally fine (hint: it's not) and she wasn't upset about it because her best friend was obviously keeping something from her which was major.
So yeah, there was a good whole four reasons why she couldn't focus on anything at all. Her mind was spiraling and nothing was making sense (not that it ever did in this fucking class, she was really helpless) and she wanted to go home and stare up at her ceiling and scream into her pillow because that seemed like a great use of her time.
She needed an outlet for everything going on inside her head and usually that was Sabrina or Atlas, but there were problems there now. So many fucking problems that she couldn't even begin to explain because their lives were also spiraling (well, she assumed they were anyway) and it would be selfish to talk about her own silly little problems about a stupid crush when they were going through some real shit. Especially Sabrina. Honestly, she almost died so Toni didn't feel like she could say anything.
But she was fine. Peachy keen and everything because she was Toni Alderson and nothing mattered to her...except a lot of things really fucking mattered to her and she just didn't know how to express it. And it wasn't like she could be really mad at Atlas for not telling her something when she was also keeping secrets (i.e. the identity of Spider-Man), but she had good reason to lie!
...which meant that he also probably had good reason to lie.
God, feelings really sucked. Like, fuck them and everything they messed up inside of her.
Finally, after too long of a class period, the bell rang and Toni was free of the torture that was Pre-Calc with Mr. Carpenter. He was absolutely the worst teacher at the school and he was also teaching the worst class...so it totally fit his personality but it also made every single person roaming the halls of Midtown suffer for his inability to teach.
She stood up, gathering her bags as Sabrina did the same, and the two left the classroom together. As she left, her eyes caught a glimpse of Harry wrapping his arm around Mary Jane Watson's shoulders and she looked away quickly, pursing her lips as she did so. She hated that feelings inside her made her jealous of the girl, wanting Harry to do that to her, but at the same time she wanted nothing from him at all.
"That class is a waste of time," Sabrina groaned, "I don't know how he's still employed here."
Toni shrugged at that. "Probably has some pull with the Board," she supplied, knowing that knowing someone on the Board was a sure way to stay at Midtown. Obviously that's how she was doing it...or how people thought she was doing it.
Either way, did it really matter? She was there and there to stay.
"You're probably right," Sabrina hummed, nodding her head along as the hallway got more crowded with people, "Come on, I have to go my locker. Beckham was kind enough to make me lunch today."
"Charming guy," Toni teased.
Sabrina rolled her eyes. "And so much older than us, so stop it. I don't know what it is with your fascination with older men..."
"I don't have a fascination with older men," Toni frowned, following Sabrina to her locker.
"Yeah, right," Sabrina rolled her eyes, a ghost of amusement on her lips as they twitched upwards, "As if you don't always ask Atlas to set you up with Colin."
"That's purely to upset him," Toni defended herself, because even though she asked about his fine older brother sometimes, she now only did it to annoy Atlas since he hated it, "Really, I don't. It's just fun to joke."
Sabrina hummed, not agreeing or disagreeing with her statement. "Alright then," she responded, an edge of disbelief causing Toni's frown to deepen.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, because if Sabrina thought she really had a thing for older men who had to be pedophiles in order to date her, then Sabrina was sorely mistaken and she would have to correct that.
No way in hell did Toni have a thing for pedophiles, they were creepy and needed to be locked up, and if her friend didn't know that then her friends had problems and she needed to correct that. Besides, Harry was her age.
Ugh, no. She couldn't think about him. She didn't have time for stupid boys who made her feel stupid things.
"It's just that I don't know that, because it's not like you've shown any interest in guys or girls our age..." Sabrina said in a sing-song tone and Toni knew that this was a trap. This was most definitely a trap but she couldn't fall for it.
"Just because I haven't had a crush on someone doesn't mean I have a thing for older men, it just means that I don't do crushes," Toni corrected her, "Besides, I liked Caden fine enough before."
Yeah, maybe she didn't want to date him and he turned out to be a total dick who cheated on his girlfriend, but he was hot and she had no problem with sleeping with him before. He was super annoying before and she never wanted a conversation with him, but she liked him just fine when his mouth was occupied.
"And no one else?" Sabrina edged for more.
Toni didn't give away that she knew where Sabrina was going and hoping to get from her. That would ruin all the fun and, yeah, maybe Sabrina was right and she did like Harry even though he was infuriating and made her so fucking mad, but he also was cute and he lit such a fire inside her and maybe she loved it and craved it, but Sabrina totally didn't need to know that.
Especially with how nosy she was being. It totally wasn't the time. "Yep. No one else," Toni nodded, lying to her friend even though she felt a little guilt for it. It was justified, she had her reasons to keep this to herself, but she just hated keeping things from her friends.
It was easy keeping Peter's secret because it wasn't hers to tell, and saying a word about it could ruin his secret identity and everything, which totally wasn't what she wanted, but this? This was her own secret. She was the only one not saying anything, only one keeping it to protect herself, and all she wanted was for Sabrina and Atlas to know. Not Harry, obviously not him, but them.
But not if Sabrina was going to keep being a Nosy Nancy. And maybe she did get a little satisfaction when Sabrina huffed in defeat, pouting because her attempt to get something out of Toni failed. They got to Sabrina's locker and the girl opened it as Toni looked out at the other people in the hallway.
Of course, Harry was walking down there as well, arm still wrapped around Mary Jane, which totally did not infuriate her. "Hey, Toni," he said when he noticed her, and shit. This was not what she wanted at all.
"What?" she demanded, because that was her go-to and seemed like a good idea. What else was she supposed to say to someone she called her enemy? Hello? No, that totally wouldn't work.
Harry didn't even have the decency to look annoyed at her, which was so much worse. He wasn't playing by her game anymore and it was so fucking annoying because maybe if he did then stupid feeling wouldn't be filling her insides.
Sabrina rolled her eyes. "So rude," she shook her head in Toni's direction before turning to Harry and Mary Jane, offering them a smile, "Hey! How are you guys!"
"We're good," Mary Jane answered, taking herself away from Harry's grasp finally and Toni felt herself become less tense, though she tried not to show it.
"That's good! Are you guys excited for Homecoming?" Sabrina asked, always the fan favorite and nice girl everyone loved.
"Totally," Mary Jane answered before looking at Harry, "I'm going with Johnny, but Harry here still doesn't have a date."
"What a coincidence, neither does Toni," Sabrina smiled brightly, looking at her.
"Dances aren't really my thing," Toni said before anyone could offer anything else, "Still don't know if I'm going at all."
Sabrina frowned. "You have to go. After everything I am putting into this dance you are going and that is final!"
"Then I'll probably go with Atlas or Colton," Toni shrugged, "There, problem solved for me."
"I heard that Atlas was thinking of taking someone else," Mary Jane said.
"And Colton's already bringing Mona," Sabrina finished, and it was so obvious this was all planned and Toni hated it, "So problem not solved for you."
Toni shrugged. "Then I'll go alone. Problem's still solved. I don't need a date to a dance to have fun, I can go myself. I'm sure that Harry can do the same or he can pay a model to go with him," she glanced at Harry, who was staring at her and laughing when she said the bit about the model, "Come on, Sabrina, I'm hungry."
She then pulled her friend away from the other two, heading in the direction of the cafeteria. "Well that was rude," Sabrina told her, "We were having a nice conversation and then you made us leave. I was having a great time."
"You can talk to them later, but I wanna get some food otherwise I'll be more of a massive bitch," Toni said.
"You're not a bitch," Sabrina frowned, "Although sometimes you are mean, like back there with Mary Jane and Harry. They weren't doing anything wrong."
"Good for them, still hungry," Toni quipped back, not wanting to talk about anything to do with Harry. God, couldn't Sabrina just leave her alone and her figure this out without pulling anything?
Now she totally wasn't going to tell Sabrina about her crush, and that was the first person she wanted to talk to! Maybe she could tell Atlas...but he was also kind of a hit or miss right now and she was little angry at him still. That left Finn, who wasn't someone she really wanted to know about everything, but he was better than her two best friends at the moment, so he'd have to do.
At least he wouldn't be able to plague her every moment of every day about it and force her into more awkward positions to be near him like Sabrina was doing, and at least he wasn't keeping stuff from her and making her mad even though she kind of did the same thing. She'd get over everything with Atlas soon, but she needed that fury to hold onto for a bit, and it wasn't like he was reaching out to fix anything.
So yeah...she would tell Finn. And not Sabrina or Atlas, and definitely not Harry, and then she would deal with it with Finn and force it to go away. That's exactly what was going to happen. Nothing else. Feelings really just weren't for her.