Chapter 26
A m a n d a
It feels like forever when its only hours that I heard a knock on the door. I didn't answer, I knew who it was- Brenda. But my body nor my mind paid attention or wanted to get up.
She didn't try to open the door, and for that, I'm thankful. At least she didn't have to witness the red eyes and pain evident on my face, but even she knows what's going on without having to see me.
Today's the day. Another without him. Another where everyone is against me the most. Where I'm supposed to be locked in four plain white walls with nothing but guilt haunting me-another year.
How could I forget? And to think I was going to kiss.....
I shake my head.
My eyes trail my room until they stay glued on the blue album placed on the bookshelf across from me, taunting me to get close. Daring me to open it to find what other things lie hidden between memories.
I tear my eyes away and look at the tray of food placed on the nightstand, brought most likely by Mrs. White while I was sleeping, yet hunger doesn't cross my mind as I stare at the now cold breakfast.
"Linda?"
I stare back at the door as I watch the knob turn. Mrs. White appearing on the other side carrying a new tray of food- Lunch.
She steps inside face falling as she looks at the untouched food on the nightstand.
"You didn't eat," she says, her voice soft and upset.
"I'm not hungry," I say watching her exchange the tray.
The bed dips as she sits, resting the tray from this morning onto her lap. "You need to eat Linda."
I let out a sigh as I reach for the soup.
"I know there are no words to comfort you. You went through what no child should of go gone through. But you shouldn't let this day knock you out. Jacob wouldn't have wanted that."
I tense at his name, but she's right he wouldn't.
"It's just... I feel like I lost everyone, friends, family, my parents. They all walked away because of what happened."
She shakes her head and reaches for my hand giving my cold fingers a gentle squeeze. "You didn't lose no one. Look at us- at Brenda, your other friends. Even if they don't know you fully there're still there with you, fighting for you."
I look down not being able to hold her stare anymore. "As for your parents that... that's something different."
She doesn't say anything after that. Instead she gets up, moving a strand of hair from my face and gives me a sad smile, and takes the tray from this morning with her as she leaves and shuts the door.
*******
I walk through the tombs. My hands shaking as I feel myself getting closer to his.
"Remember when we meet?"
I glance at him and let out a laugh "how could I forget, you made sure I would never forget." He pinches my arm causing me to glare playfully at him.
"Was it worth it though?"
Just a few feet away.
"I don't know. You, spilling milk on me on my second day of school, sure."
He lets out a laugh as he reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers. "I told you it was an accident I even bought you chocolate the next day to apologizing for my clumsiness."
It's my turn to laugh "you and I both know you're not clumsy."
He shrugs "I guess when you see a pretty, smart and nice girl you turn into someone you're not."
I can't help but blush which causes him to pull me towards him- wrapping his arms around me.
"If me spilling milk on you helped me get close to you and become your boyfriend then to me yes it was worth it."
My throat tightens as I stare at his tomb, flowers already gathered around the stone along with candles and photos.
I slowly kneel to the dirt ground- placing my flowers over the others, not caring about the leftover mud caused by the storm last night.
Was it worth it?
A shiver goes through me as my fingers reach the cold stone, tracing the words engraved in it.
Jacob W. Hunter
May 17, 2001- Nov 9, 2016
Beloved Son and Friend. Will forever be remembered.
If losing you meant like this then no it isn't. But having you in my life is something I'll never forget, and I would have never forgiven myself if I let you walk away so "Yes, it was worth it." But if only things turned out different.
Perhaps things would have turned out differently. Maybe I could have avoided what was to come. Maybe it's a game life wanted me to play, and there's no forfeiting or escaping. I simply have to follow the rules and hopefully make it to the final round, even if that means that I'll be buried six feet underground like him.
-------
I don't remember much after that, I remember being carried, the sound of Brenda's voice echoing in my ears. My cheek's still wet from the tears that managed to escape during my time with Jacob. Even with the speech Mrs. White said that morning in my head, a part of me couldn't keep up. I couldn't be strong.
Last night I dreamed of Jacob again. Only neither of us spoke, just stared at one another. On a day like this, I can't tell if those dreams are actual dreams or if they're just a figment of my imagination, but I don't care. It only proves that he's still with me, even if it's just a part of my mind playing tricks on me.
--
I finally reach the school. Noticing many students heading inside the building and going straight to class, not bothering to greet others. There're still mourning just like I am. Only I don't show it- I can't.
I grip the steering wheel, taking deep breaths- hoping to calm the storm starting to grow inside of me.
"Come on Linda, we can't walk in like this."
Taking another deep breath, I step out of my car and glance around. Immediately noticing Zoe's car absent. Good, if I don't see her at all the better. I still haven't forgotten what I discovered two days ago.
I do however spot Derek stepping out of his car, his eyes scanning the lot until settling on me.
He makes his way towards me, quickly closing the distance between us by pulling me to his chest. Every ounce of anger, hate, and fear I felt fades and it's replaced with peace and calmness.
He causes that.
My body instantly relaxes in his while my arms wrap around his waist pulling him closer.
"You're here," he whispers.
We stay like that until I notice Brenda and the rest of the group making there way towards us. Their eyes scanning the area as if on guard, more alert. It set's something in me.
Luke is the first to turn towards us. His eyes narrowing at the sight of Derek and me. I guess he still doesn't like the thought of me being close to Derek. I slowly unwrap myself from him, not wanting to be away from his warmth. He slightly tenses and slowly let's go but leaves an arm over my shoulder.
"Hey Amanda," says Alexander looking between Derek and me.
"Where were you yesterday?" asks Jessica. I try to keep still and mask my emotions while Derek rubs my arm.
"I was caught in the rain on Wednesday and got sick" She nods and glances at everyone except me as if communicating with each other.
"Is something wrong?" I ask.
No one answers.
A familiar black Honda pulls up and parks close to the school. We all tense and immediately Derek drops his arm from my shoulder causing all my emotions to return full force. We all watch as Zoe steps out and enters the building without glancing at anyone. Not even at her friends who are now trying to catch up to her.
"Come on Amanda, " says Derek, a hint of anger in his voice, and reaches for my hand- pulling me close to him. By the looks on everyone's faces, they don't agree with this. Luke's steps in front of Derek, stopping him on his tracks.
"I'll take her" He grabs my other hand, causing Derek to tighten his grip on me.
"We have the same first block no need for you to do it" Derek snaps.
"Luke is right. He should take her" interjects Sarah. I can feel the tension rise, but eventually, Derek nods and lets my hand go. In no time Luke is pulling me away from them, making sure I'm by his side. I turn back, watching them all talking among each other, yet Derek is looking at my hand in Luke's. His eyes narrow before he glances at me then turns his back towards me.
I notice Luke is on alert and how his eyes scan the hallways as we're moving through the small crowds.
"Luke, what's going on?" I ask.
He ignores me.
"Luke, what's going on" I repeat a little louder, but he doesn't respond.
I yank my hand out of his and stay put. He stops and stares at me, his face serious, this is a side of Luke I've never seen before.
"Tell me what going on," I say my voice etched with confusion. His face softens, but he shakes his head.
"Not now Amanda, please. Just let me take you to class." He says, running a hand through his messy blond hair.
I don't argue. Instead, I follow.
******
The whole day it's been the same. Luke taking me to my classes and dropping me off- almost like a guard. Derek keeping his distance. I thought by now things would have gotten better between us, but I guess not and, instead of heading to the cafeteria, we head to the library where take- out lays on one of the tables. I don't bother to ask about this morning. Instead, I enjoy the food Alexander brought, but that doesn't mean I'm letting this all easily go.
---
"Alex? What's wrong," I ask pleading for him to say something as he walks me to class this time.
We stop in front of Mr. Brown's class as Alexander turns to look at me "Look... Brenda will tell you later. We're just taking precautions" His answer doesn't make sense, but I nod either way. With that, he turns and leaves.
I step into my fourth block and spot Eva looking out the window, lost in thought. She looks mad- sad even. I've never seen her like this, but I guess its normal. Everyone's been quiet. Even the teachers won't give lectures, letting us finish our missing work or assignments from other classes.
I take a seat beside her and notice her hands are clenched into fists. Her blond hair tied into a tight bun, and her usual bright blue eyes look dull. Neither of us speaks, and for some reason, this frightens me.
"Hey" I touch her arm lightly causing her to flinch before turning her gaze on me.
"Are you okay?" I whisper not wanting to draw attention.
She blinks at me shaking her head. Yes. No. Maybe. Before turning her gaze back out the window.
I try to focus on my homework I didn't do, but it seems impossible. The quietness and tense atmosphere are slowly suffocating me.
When the bell rings, Eva jumps out of her chair and heads to the door. I follow close behind her, moving past students. Something's bothering her. She suddenly stops abruptly her eyes narrowing, her body going still, fists still clenched if not tighter. I step beside her and realize at what she's staring at or rather who, Zoe. I drag my eyes away from her and focus on Eva and touch her arm again "Eva?"
She snaps out of whatever trace she was in and looks at me.
She sighs and closes her eyes trying to even her breathing. "I'm sorry" she keeps repeating.
"It's okay."
Finally her eyes open, and I see the tears in them.
"What happened?" I ask.
"I feel guilty" is all she replies, her shoulders shaking slightly.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
She thinks for a minute then nods. I grab a hold of her arm guiding her through the crowd, but not before turning back, only to find Zoe gone.
-
I see Brenda close to my car, waiting for me.
She seems more relaxed than this morning but when she notices Eva beside me- tears in her eyes, she straightens up again.
"What happened?" she glances between Eva and me as if searching for any marks or bruises.
I shake my head 'I'll meet you at the old Cafe" I tell Eva who nods and heads to her car.
I turn back to Brenda "nothing but I'm going to the Cafe with Eva. I'll be home by six."
Brenda doesn't look too happy but nods either way. "Call me when you're heading home," she says in a serious voice. I don't have time to question it. I need to help Eva. Somethings wrong and I have a feeling that whatever she has to say is not going to be good.
--
I reach the Cafe and step inside looking around until I see Eva sitting in the corner of one of the far end booths and head towards her, sliding in the seat opposite of her.
"What's wrong? Why do you feel guilty?" I ask getting straight to the point.
She stares at the small cup of coffee in her hands, looking at the dark liquid swirl inside it.
"Because she shouldn't be in there."
"Who shouldn't be in there? In where?" I ask confused.
"Linda. She shouldn't be in that place."
My heart stops for a second, and my breathing quickens "Why do you say that" my voice coming out breathless as if I were running a marathon.
She looks up and glances around as if expecting someone to pop up. Then turns towards me and leans closer, moving the cup out of her way.
"Because she didn't kill him. She wouldn't."
"Then who did?"
She pauses and once again her hands are clenched into fists "Zoe. I'm sure of it."
I lean back into the seat.
"You don't look too surprised" she whispers.
"why do you think she was the one that did it?" I ask, dodging her question.
She tilts her head and looks back down at the cup.
"I've always been an outcast. I would watch people. Zoe was a completely different person back then not as bad as now until she met Jacob. They went out, and you could see how happy she was." Eva pauses taking a sip from her cup.
"Would you like a cup of coffee?" a waiter ask's making her way towards us. I shake my head "No thank you" I say without losing eye contact with Eva. The waiter leaves, going to attend other orders.
"Continue," I say.
"When Linda came along, and Jacob broke up with Zoe. She changed into what she is today. She would warn girls to stay away from him even when they had broken up. With Linda, it was no match. I would be at my locker or head to class, and I would see Zoe with her friends talking about Linda. She would say that she would ruin her, destroy her, hurt her." Eva pauses and shakes her head "I even saw Jacob and Zoe arguing one time. By that time he was already with Linda. Zoe would yell at him telling him why he chose Linda and not her."
Just like the letter.
"He would push her away telling her that he didn't love her. Zoe lost it there. When Jacob left her that day in the hallway, I heard her. She said would regret it. I assumed she said that because she was mad, but I began to notice that she started to dress up like Linda, dyed her hair and everything. She even said that she would go see Jacob one of those days."
"There are witnesses saying they heard arguing and someone running out who looked like you."
"The day his death was announced Zoe didn't come to school, and when she did, she had dyed her hair again. She changed back into herself. She showed no emotion, only on his memorial ceremony, and every time she would always say she was sorry. That's why I feel guilty. Because I never said anything until now, but who would have believed me. Besides, if Zoe finds out about this... I'm scared. It doesn't help the fact that she hate me too."
I think for a moment, trying to take all this in.
I reach for her hand and squeeze it. "Thank you for trusting me with this," I say
"I'm tired of keeping quiet especially when you could end up getting hurt. You're in danger."
I give her a confused look "What do you mean?"
"I heard what Zoe said to Brenda. She said you could be in danger. To stay away."
"Brenda didn't say anything" I whisper- mostly to myself.
"Just stay away from anything connected with Derek or anyone else that means something to Zoe. She hurt someone the first time. She could do it again."
She then gets up looking back down at me, tears still in her eyes. "Be careful" and with that, she leaves.
Now it makes sense the way my friends acted this morning. They knew. I arrive home and rush inside, slamming the front door in the process.
"what did Zoe say to you?" I say turning to face Brenda who's pacing in the living room.
"I was going to tell you-" she tries to explain.
"When tomorrow, next week, next month, when!"
She runs a hand through her hair "I was going to tell you okay. Calm down. We needed to be sure it was a threat- I needed to make sure."
I run my hands through my hair, pulling it at the ends "Linda she didn't do anything. She probably wasn't thinking when she said that."
"So it's true, she threatened me!" I spit out.
"Linda calm down" she puts her hands out as if I'm some wild animal in a cage about to burst out.
"How the fuck am I supposed to calm down when she killed Jacob!" I shout.
Brenda stays quiet looking at me wide-eyed.
"She killed Jacob," I whisper sinking to the floor, every emotion spilling out. Rage, sadness, fear.
"What?" Brenda says looking down at me.
"She killed Jacob. She did it" Brenda kneels to the ground in front of me.
"Are you sure?" her voice shaky.
I nod not being able to form words at this moment.
She runs both hands across her face then pulls me close to her. My body shaking with every tear falling.
We stay like that for a while before I pull away, looking at her in the eyes.
"I'm sure of it, everything points to her" She runs her fingers through my hair. Her face showing the exact thing I feel.
I think for a second "We need to tell them the truth,"
"Who?"
"Our friends. They need to know I'm here before it's too late ."