Marcel walks unsurely in front of me. I don't understand why he's here. It makes me angry and it gets my heart intensely big in my chest. He is looking sorry and atrociously gorgeous. It pains me and I don't understand why he is doing this to me time and time again.
I wanted to have fun tonight and he seems to be ruining everything again. Is he doing this on purpose? I don't want to do this now. I am more hurt than angry at the sight of him and it weirds me out. My heart aches and I just want to numb this pain with pleasure and fun, all things he isn't synonyms to, but Ash is. My brothers are, in a non-sexual way. Ronnie and Sophie are too, they bring my mood up, they make me happy.
My sight crosses Marcel's, but I don't show any of the turmoil of emotion I feel inside. I stay cold and guarded. I pull my brother closer to me and follow from very far our friends making their way to the dressing room.
"Grace? I just want to talk." He lets out and it pains me how much I wanted something with him, but he treated me like I was nothing. He doesn't deserve any of my time if it's to hurt me again.
William looks down at me and he has the softest eyes on me. I look up and mould my body closer to him. I just want to be comforted for all the hopes I had that will never be.
I see Kate in my head again. I hear everything she said to me. I hear all the insults I have ever heard being thrown at me. I never really got to have thick skin because I always found somebody to protect me. Young, I somewhat had my brothers, then I had Steeve, when I got in London I had Marcel. Now that I find myself alone again, I find myself wanting to hide in a shadow. William has been my biggest support since I got here last week. I should work on myself and be strong, but it's not how I am.
Before my brothers found out I was being bullied, I was handling it all on my own. I always acted with kindness and with respect. That's the way I was raised, but somehow I can't deal with it anymore. I have crossed a point of no return. Marcel, from the first moment I met him, made me weirdly embrace this fierceness about me. I tell him what I want, like and dislike without being shy or intimidated. I let myself be the true me as raw and insecure and angry and imperfect that I am. I thought there was a beauty to that kind of bond, but there wasn't. I gave him a look of all that I am and somehow he didn't know me.
"If you like him the way you have described, why don't you want to try to work this out?" William whispers as his embrace has tightened and our pace has doubled.
"He ended it. I am trying to move on. I don't want to get back into an unhealthy relationship."
"And what do you have with Ashley? You think it's healthier?"
"He makes me happy even though it's for a little while. He is kind and funny. We have fun. I don't get hurt with him."
"But it's not fair for him and it's not what you are all about. You are a lover, Grace. You are passionate and you are just using this guy. Ashley seems to be your rebound for everything. He was for Steeve and now for him." William says what I didn't want to admit to myself. It annoys me.
"What do you want me to do then?" I roll my eyes and let him go once we get in the room so I lower my voice.
"I don't know... because you haven't told me everything that has happened between you and your publisher. All I know is that he cares enough to be the one you rely on on many things. He supports your work, your break up with Steeve, he has fought him two times over you. It might not have been the rightful thing to do, I don't encourage violence, but I did the same like two hours ago, so I share his instinct. I trust anyone who's willing to care and protect my little sister."
"He isn't all good. He has hurt me too."
"I don't condone what he did. But since you are asking me what to do, I would at least listen to the man." I look up to my brother and consider his words a moment. I shake my head and start to smirk back at him realising how much he's grown and evolved.
"Cynthia brainwashed your brain to be too mushy and cheesy. Where is the brother that didn't want any men close to me?"
"He knows love now. I am not the romantic like you are, but Grace, be honest with yourself, you want to be with him. Don't even deny it."
"I hate him, William."
"Good. At least, it means you care enough to feel that passionately for him."
"Where does that psychology shit come from?!"
"I had to follow a class before getting into the law enforcement."
"Did Simon get the same classes, because he doesn't show any of it?" I joke and it gets my brother a lovely laugh that covers my heart with the love I need to feel somewhat stronger.
"He did, they were mandatory." I smile at him and we get suddenly interrupted and I realise how we are not as alone as we were anymore.
"Hey guys? Will you ever join us or should we chill by the door too?" Caleb teases us and William smiles and responds for us.
"Grace just needs to do something first, she'll join us later."
I look up in panic and try to hide my surprise just as fast as it happens.
"What do you have to do?" Sophie asks with a frown, sitting on Lucas' knees on one of the couches.
"I'll be quick." I only respond and smile gently before I leave the dressing room and walk the way I came from to see where I can find Marcel again.
I don't have to walk long before I spot him talking to Eddy outside of his dressing room. His friend spots me first and finishes the discussion quickly before taking his guitar hanging on his back and start playing as he walks away to the technicians.
Marcel turns around and it's like I don't recognise him at all. He wears a grin on his face that I can't read. I don't know what to think of it, but I shouldn't be surprised at all. It's not like he is readable usually.
"It didn't take long for you to go back to him." He follows me inside Eddy's now deserted dressing room and closes the door as he speaks.
"See?! I knew you would make me regret coming to see you." I roll my eyes and find this ironic that I keep on giving him chances and he screws them up. "You don't get to be angry at me for wanting to move on."
"You visited me last week and all I know about it is that you were crying and saying you didn't want anything to do with me."
"I tried to mend things up between us to have a somewhat polite professional relationship and you messed everything up." I let my anger show. He's the cause of this, he should suffer my wrath.
"We barely even talked. We didn't get to solve anything, you walked out on me."
"Like you did to me?!"
"It isn't the same, Grace."
"Because of what? Because I signed a stupid contract to force me to work with you?! I am sorry if it doesn't value as much as the heart that you shattered."
"I didn't do anything, you were crying before I walked in on you."
"You shut me out. You told me goodbye."
"I didn't mean it." He lets out in a whisper that gets me so exponentially exasperated I don'T even know what to think anymore.
"How was I supposed to know?"
"I messed up. I am sorry."
"I don't care about how you feel. You always charm your way back with me when you want something. I won't be weak this time. You have told me you didn't know me, that you didn't trust me. I am sorry you feel that way, because I thought we had a strong bond."
"We do. I got scared."
"Well, there's nothing you can do about it now. Find somebody else to importunate and seductively argue with, because I am done with this rollercoaster thing. I never know on which foot to dance with you. One minute you are hot, then you're cold. It's exhausting."
"It's the way I am. You make me feel insecure and you want-"
"I make you feel insecure? And you keep saying that 'I want to change you' it's not the case. I like the way you are, but I am done you taking it for granted. You pushed too far and this time I can't jump back."
"Stop arguing everything I say! This wasn't what I was going to say!" He tells me categorically, but I'm just emotionally shut off from him.
"I don't care, Marcel."
"Why do you act like that? Can't you just shut up and listen to everything I have to say to you for once?!"
"I can't. You hurt me every time I open my heart to you. I have reached my quota of masochism."
"Grace..."
"There's nothing you could say that could change something."
"I drove all this way to be here with you."
"I didn't ask you to come. You should have stayed home and fed Michelangelo."
"I want to be with you." He admits, but I can't really know if it's right here, right now, today, or as a couple. It pinches my heart, I can't deny it, but I am not fighting this fight now, not in this state of mind.
"And I want you to leave me alone. I had a good time before you showed up."
"I know, I saw." He whispers and steps dangerously close to me. I let it be and I really don't know why, but it gets my heart pounding. "You were singing and dancing. How I wish I could have been the one to excite you that way."
"What are you doing?" I look at him sneak his way closer to me, clearly using his spell to wrap me around his finger, charming me with ease.
He slides both of his hands on my waist, pulling me to him. His voice being like an enchanting murmur drugging me with his charm. He leans his face closer so that his breath caresses my skin in a seductive trap I don't seem to get out of, or even want to.
"I so wanted to dance with you. I wanted to touch you. I wanted to kiss you." He hovers his face over mine now, his hands taking a hold of my cheeks to tilt my head to meet his lips, but I break away.
I slap him hard on the cheek. It leaves a red and bright mark on his skin. I feel bad, but not really. I understand what he wants now and it hurts me even more.
"You don't really want me back. You just want an easy fuck. You never were interested in my soul, that's why you feel like you don't know me. That is not what I am all about. You should at least know that." I sadly remark and tell him that he can't fool me anymore. I am done with him. "Leave me alone, Marcel."
"No... Grace, please. You know me. I really care for you."
"If you do, then you will go home and stop bothering me."
"I can't."
"Then do it for your contract." I let out softly as I am tired of this argument. I am done and emotionally not present anymore as I can't differ the fake and the real, so as an instinct of protection for myself, it sees everything he said as fake. It's over. "Goodbye, Marcel."
I leave the room without any other thought. I walk back to my friends' dressing room and let my body lazily collapse on the couch next to Ash and Sophie. I look at each of them and sigh.
"How about we get drunk tonight? First round of tequila on me."