Chapter 17: Distance
I'm slowly getting to where I want to be. And it makes me happy that my family and friends are being very supportive. Bahagyang nabawasan ang ngiti ko ng maisip si Jeck. I wanna believe that he's also supportive of my dreams.
"Congratulations!" Sabi ni Missy sabay abot sa akin ng bouquet of flowers.
I'm really happy that she came here in Italy just to support me. Sem break naman daw niya kaya gusto niya akong personal na makita para mabati at mapanood.
"Thank you for being here, Missy." I hugged her.
"You were amazing! I super loved it! Ang ganda ganda mo!" Missy gushed.
"Thanks. Buti ka pa nakapunta ka." Nahaluan ng lungkot ang ngiti ko.
"Don't be sad. Jeck is probably busy."
Yeah... He's probably so busy that he doesn't even have time to come see me.
My family already came to watch me. Actually, even some of my college friends from New York came to see me. Vash and his bandmates also came. They had a show in Italy so they decided to watch me. Pero kahit hindi naman talaga ako ang sinadya nila dito sa Italy ay naglaan pa rin sila ng oras para makita ako despite their busy schedule.
"He's always busy."
"Uy girls! Let's celebrate!" Hinila na kami ni Maki.
We went to a bar and had fun. May mga lumalapit sa amin na mga foreigners at nakikipagkilala pero di naman sila pinapansin.
"Sayang! Ang gwapo nila! Me na lang kasi!" Ani Maki. Pumadyak pa siya. Tinawanan lang namin siya. "Mag cheers na lang tayo!" Itinaas namin ang mga baso at nag cheers.
"By the way, you two are invited." Ani Missy.
"Saan?" Tanong ko.
"My wedding." Nagkandasamid-samid si Maki sa narinig. Ako naman ay napamulagat. Anong sinabi niya? "Zeck and I are getting married." She said nonchalantly. "Let's cheers to that." Saka nito inisang lagok ang alak na nasa baso niya.
What the eff?
"Do you know that Missy and Zeck are getting married?" I asked Jeck. Naka-skype kami.
"Yes. It was quite a big issue." Nasa opisina pa siya.
He actually seems busy. May mga paperwork siyang ginagawa habang nag-uusap kami. Napabuntong hininga ako ng maalala ang kwento ni Missy sa akin tungkol sa nangyari.
"How is Zeck taking it? I'm worried about them." He sighs then shrugs his shoulder.
"We already talked to Zeck. And of course to Vince. But they wouldn't even listen."
"I think they should wait a little bit more before getting married. Especially, with their situation. I told Missy to back out before it's too late. However, she's scared of Vince. She told me he was so mad."
"He wouldn't even listen to Chela."
Ako naman ang napabuntong hininga sa narinig. It's really bad. If it's true that Vince didn't listen to Chela, then it's hopeless. Si Chela lang naman kasi ang pinapakinggan talaga ni Vince. It is too depressing so I changed the the topic.
"I miss you, babe. How I wish you were here with me." My voice is full of longing.
He smiled sadly, "And how I wish you'd just stay here. I miss you so much."
There were times when I wish for the same thing. It's so hard to be world apart from Jeck.
"Just a few more weeks, babe and I'll be home." I said, smiling.
"Yeah." He nods. "Then how long will you stay here again? 2 months? 3?" He heaved a sigh. "You don't even stay here for more than 3 months."
"Babe..." Unti-unting nawala ang ngiti ko. Again I was speechless.
"And oh yeah, sometimes just so we could be together even for just a couple of days or so, I'd have to fly wherever you are. If I was so unlucky, even if I went to another country to see you, You'd be too busy to even spend time with me."
I was stunned, completely taken by surprise. Where did that come from? It just suddenly slipped out. Just like that...
"Y-you never said anything. I t-thought you were okay with..." I shook my head. "I wasn't aware that..." I don't even know what to say. "When did it start?" I asked above whisper.
Tiim ang bagang na nagbaba siya ng tingin. "I don't know." He sighed. "Forget I said anything. I'm just tired."
Ipinatong ko ang mga siko sa mesa at sinapo ang ulo. I can't explain what I'm feeling right now. I'm so confused. I'm filled with confusing emotions.
"When did it start?"
"Babe, it's nothing. I'm just out of sort."
I shook my head. "No, babe. It's not nothing."
"I don't know, okay?" Bahagyang tumaas ang tono ng boses niya. I could hear frustration in his voice. "It just suddenly happened one day. I don't even know how. It just happened, okay?"
I can pretty much guess when it happened. It was that day. The day I didn't say yes. Nakakabinging katahimikan ang namagitan sa amin. I don't know what to say. I'm so scared. I heard him sigh.
"You should've told me..."
"Babe..."
Nag-angat ako ng tingin. My eyes are tearing up. "You should've said something earlier."
"How?" He shook his head. "I didn't want to feel this way. I didn't choose this. But I can't help it. I just found myself tired of our set up." I swallowed hard.
"This is my job. I thought you could understand?"
"I do. I always do, right?" He replied sarcastically. Di ako nakaimik. It's scary where our relationship is heading. I don't even want to think about it. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm just probably tired and stressed that's why I'm out of sorts. Just forget I said anything."
I wanted to talk about our problem and try to solve it, but at the same time, I don't have the guts to do so. Natatakot ako na baka mauwi kung saan ang pag-uusap namin. I'm not ready for that. So I nodded.
"Okay."
"I'll just call you again."
He ended the call.
Our conversation left me drained and scared.
I'm so close to getting my dream. I can say that I'm successful to my chosen career. I should be happy, right? I'm almost there and that should be reason enough to be happy. But dammit. I'm not. I'm damned miserable because the love of my life is slipping away from me. I can feel our distance. Not just physically but emotionally.
I can't feel him anymore. Inisang lagok ko lang ang alak ko.
"Ano yan, magpapaka-bangag ka?" Said Maki.
We're in my hotel room. I didn't want to go out just to drink myself to oblivion. "I just want to get a good sleep tonight."
He sneered. "Who are you fooling?"
"I should be happy, right?"
"Yes, you should be." He said, nodding. "But I can see that you're not."
A tear rolls down my cheek. "I'm losing him, Maki."
He sighs. "What are you gonna do about it?"
I shrug my shoulder. "I don't know. I'm scared to talk to him for fear that he might just end up breaking up with me." I run my fingers through my hair. "I feel like we're already heading there, Maki. And you know what's scarier?"
"What?"
"He's not doing anything about it. It's like he's giving up already." I let my tears fall. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay anymore. I'm so tired of smiling and showing others that I'm happy.
"Here." Inabutan pa niya ako ng bote. "Sige lang. Inom pa. Bakit di mo kausapin, te?"
I shake my head as I laugh miserably. "How can I talk to him when every time I do so, I feel like he's thinking of breaking up with me? It's so hard. I couldn't even tell him what's running in my head kasi alam ko kasalanan ko lahat ito."
"Baka naman nasa utak mo lang yan kasi nagi-guilty ka pa rin sa pag-reject mo sa marriage proposal niya?"
"No, Maki." I said, shaking my head. "A lot has changed since that day."
"Like what?"
"At first, small changes lang. Pero pakiramdam ko habang tumatagal palaki ng palaki. He has changed, Maki. I feel like I have to tiptoe around him and I hate it because I can't be myself anymore. I can't tell him what I think, what I feel."
He held my hand and gently squeezed it. "Then what are you gonna do about it?" I just looked at him. "Are you just going to give him up?"
Am I going to give him up? Can I?