| Do you know who it is yet? |
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The day of his father's funeral went by as it came –slow and sad. The sky was bright as it could get for a winter's day and it passed by very cheerlessly. Marcus's mother was still in the hospital under watch and she was not in any condition to go to her husband's funeral. But Marcus was there; his eyes never left the hallowed ground or the coffin. Even as people paid their last respects to the deceased and left Marcus stood by the descending coffin thinking of all the memories that he had of his father. In that moment in-time he wanted one wish to come true more than anything: to properly say 'goodbye' to his dearest father.
Marcus made sure that he went to the cemetery in the days that followed. Somehow he felt the need to. His father was the one parent he was most close to. Letting go of his father was harder than he had expected.
Evening had rolled in and he hadn't realized how long he'd been staring at his father's tombstone till rain started spitting from the dark skies; he felt relieved though. Speaking in a hushed tone as he hunched near where his father was buried, he felt his problems disappear. So he told his father's grave everything, all the things that he never said.
Someone cleared their throat from behind Marcus as he stood before his father's grave and stared into the darkling skies. Brushing the dead leaves off his coat he turned around. His eyes were filled with sadness as he stared at the person that was before him. It was his sister's fiancé's younger brother, Craig. They had been close ever since they were introduced three years ago. Sometimes it felt longer. Marcus always thought of Craig as the brother he never really had. Craig swung his arm around Marcus's shoulders and pulled him in tightly.
"I don't think I've ever seen you cry." Craig commented while looking up at the navy blue sky.
It was true. When Marcus touched the soft skin under his eyes he felt moisture. Marcus rarely cried. According to him, he wasn't the emotional type. The mellow-dramatic emotions such as crying wasn't apart of him. That was one of the reasons why he was so taken back at the effect his father's passing had on him. It was rather strange. His mother always told him that he had a heart of stone, but that wasn't true. His father however had told him once that Marcus had learned to block his emotions because he didn't want to seem weak. This however was agreeable. Marcus didn't like to seem weak.
Marcus rubbed his red tinted eyes and sighed out a single laugh of disbelief. He was embarrassed to say the least. Grown men didn't cry...
"Hey. It's okay. If my dad died I'd be devastated. I'd probably lock myself in my room and never come out." Craig said, his words made Marcus feel slightly better mainly because of the humorous tone he had. Marcus found himself smiling in the dark.
The cold wind was numbing and Marcus could barely feel his fingertips as they made their way down the hill from where his father was now resting. Temperature was dropping rapidly and the wind was picking up. He was taken by surprise when Craig's warm fingers weaved through Marcus' cold ones, holding Marcus' hand tightly. His hand flinched at the unanticipated touch. Marcus stopped in his tracks he gave Craig a perplexed looked that asked "What are you doing?"
In the dark Marcus could barely see Craig's face. The less than helpful dimly lit street lights made it difficult for him to anything. But he knew that Craig had ignored his questioning glare when he began to playfully tug on Marcus's arm and dragged him to the car.
"I can give you ride home." Craig said, ignoring the question all together. Marcus scrunched his brows together and watched Craig act as if nothing had happened. When they approached the car, Marcus knew something was wrong. His sister's fiancé's younger brother was holding his hand it didn't feel right and it didn't seem appropriate.
"It's okay, I can take a taxi." Marcus said, prying away his hand from Craig.
"No. I insist." Craig said without giving Marcus a second option. Everything around Marcus felt uncomfortable. When he turned to face Craig he could barely see his expression, the street lamp above had casted a shadow over his face making it impossible to see. It sent chills down Marcus's spine. Suddenly Craig's grabbed Marcus by his biceps and pushed him against the car, harshly. Then he slammed his hands on either side of Marcus's face and griped on to the car behind Marcus. It sending shock waves through Marcus's body, his heart raced and he didn't know what to make of it. Marcus was speechless.
"Stop playing with me Marcus..." Craig growled. The words didn't make any sense Marcus, his tone suggested frustration and unrequited love. It just left Marcus in utter confusion.
"What are you talking about!" Marcus muttered under his breath. For the first time he was fearful of Craig.
"I'm talking about how you lead me on!" He growled.
"Leading you on?" Marcus repeated the words, narrowing his brows.
"You knew I liked you Marcus and yet you said nothing. You like playing with people's feelings don't you Marcus?" He asked, sneering at him.
Like me? His throat went dry when he understood what Craig meant. He didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say or what should be said. He's never been in this situation before. How was he supposed to say what he wanted to say without offending Craig or his sexuality?
"I-I had no idea... Cra-." Marcus began, but was cut off when a pair was warm lips smashed against Marcus'. They were slightly dry and chapped from the cold, it didn't feel right. When the shock subsided, Marcus pressed his palms against the boy's hard chest and tried to push him away, but he would not budge. Craig might have been younger than Marcus by several years but he was taller and much stronger. Marcus was at the mercy of the younger man's kiss.
Those lips pressed to Marcus' demandingly. Even as he refused entry into his mouth the boy didn't quit nipping and tugging on his lower lip. Marcus had his eyes fully open and he watched the boy's closed eyes and his hair that played in the wind. He wondered why god hated him so much. He had nothing against homosexuals, in fact he liked them. But being forced on by a younger boy was not to his liking. Why couldn't it have been someone he liked? And the image of Julian popped into his mind. It shocked him to say the least and Marcus shook the thoughts away.
Marcus wondered how he had failed to notice Craig's feelings towards him. After all Craig was always so friendly, always so nice... Marcus always looked forward to spending time with Craig. Yet he never anticipated something of this proportion to take place. How could he have not fully understood Craig's feelings? All he could think about was how he should have done something. He felt bad, like it was his fault.
"Feese stoff." His words were muffed from the other's lips. When Marcus opened his mouth to speak the Craig's tongue rushed into his mouth. Bad move, he thought as the taste of Craig just melted inside. He tasted like Mint gum. As Craig's tongue wrestled with Marcus's inside his mouth Craig's hands cupped the base of his face and tugged him slowly yet forcefully. Marcus slowly gave up. He felt his eyes close and being dragged into the kiss. Man or not Craig was a good kisser. He held himself back from kissing back. A moan escaped his lips in the single second where he forgot who he was kissing ... and he had crossed the line. Marcus conjured up all his strength and pushed the boy away.
To his surprise, he succeeded.
Craig stumbled back and stared at Marcus. With the back of Marcus' cold hand he wiped the essence of the kiss away and breathed in deeply, calming his nerves. Marcus had nothing to say. His head felt light from the heavy breathless kiss. Craig stared at him with blazing eyes, as if he was an animal ready to pounce on his pray any second.
Marcus rubbed the nub of his cold pink nose and ran his fingers through his hair trying to collect his thoughts. "Look." He said, inside he knew this was partially his fault. He would be lying if he said he didn't have a hint of what the boy was feeling. He knew, yet he ignored it, like always. Now the boy deserved an explanation –an answer perhaps. "Look, Craig." There was a pause, "I'm sorry." He licked his chapped icy lips. The taste of the boy's mouth was still in his. "I should have said something. It's my fault."
"Oh GOD!" Craig crouched on the ground in embracement and let out a laugh. He draped his arms over his head and started at the wet pavement. "I'm sorry Marcus, I shouldn't have done that." Marcus heard Craig mutter.
Marcus felt sorry. Unrequited love was never easy –Marcus had first hand experience. He bent to Craig's height and hugged him, tightly. He loved Craig, like a brother, nothing more. That's all he could do, all he could think of. Apart of him –a very small part—wanted to yell at Craig and walk away, but he didn't. It wasn't the right thing to do. Craig was young and being gay at his age probably wasn't easy for him either. Marcus understood this very well. He didn't want to say or do anything that would have any harming effect on Craig.
"I'm sorry for not seeing it before..." He whispered to the boy. "I wish I could say anything else." Marcus sighed. "I'm sure you'll find someone that loves you Craig... just because I don't' share the same feelings as you don't mean I don't love you either," Kind words he thought and they were. A smile materialized on both their faces when they looked at each other.
There was a tear brimming on Craig's eye, threatening to trickle down his face. Marcus wiped it away with his thumb and looked at Craig and tightened his arm around Craig.
"You're a lousy kisser... I hope you know that!" Craig said jokingly. He used Marcus for support and stood up. At least Craig was able to let go that easily and it came as a relief to Marcus.
"Hhheeeyyy!" Marcus said in an obvious offended tone. "That's not nice."
They both laughed collectively pushing the unpleasant events behind them. The aura around them changed and everything subsided.
"Can you like not tell your sister about this..." Craig asked shifting his weight on his feet.
"Sure."
"Thanks." Craig grinned and popped a quick kiss on Marcus's lips before running around the front of the car to the driver's side. Marcus' mouth hung open in mock shock. "I don't want my brother knowing that I forced myself on his brother-in-law. God think of the horror!"
"Right well, I won't tell anyone." Marcus said. "I promise."
Being kissed by a man was something that he had never thought would happen. The way Marcus handled the situation and Craig took even him by surprise. Anger did fill him, but the sight of Craig with a broken heart changed it all. He couldn't stand it.
"So... still willing to drive me that home?" Marcus asked raising an eyebrow at Craig.
Marcus pretended like it never really happened. He was surprised at how easy it was to let the kiss go. Maybe it was because of how close they were or maybe because he wasn't really bothered by it. Sure a man had just kissed him but he neither enjoyed it nor hated it. There was not a single feeling of disgust in him. It didn't feel any different to being kissed on the cheek or by a woman.
No Spark or feeling. Just like every other kiss.
Books and movies always showed kisses that made one's thoughts go hay-wire 'the irresistible kiss' it was a load of crap. In the twenty three years he'd been alive he had never felt that way. It was final: those kind of mind blowing kisses existed only in movies and books. It was a complete exaggeration of reality.
As they got in to the car it occurred to Marcus that he had never known Craig was gay. Did his family know?
"So when did you come out?" Marcus asked intrigued by the whole idea of homosexuality. Craig gave him a surprisingly confused look and smiled.
"Who said I did?" He chuckled. "Except for my bro no one knows." Craig said. It was strange how it didn't even seem to matter to Craig. Marcus had always thought that gays always wanted to come out from the closet, be out and proud. All what he was hearing was new to him.
"So when will you?" Marcus asked.
"When the guy I love realizes that he isn't actually heterosexual." He joked with a grin.
"Love ei?"
"You might know him." Craig said, sparking curiosity in Marcus.
"Really? Who?" Now he really felt like a girl.
"I'll tell you when the time is right.. and when he finally figures it out."
Marcus raised an eyebrow and chuckled. "What kind of moron doesn't know he's gay?"
"Someone who's in denial...apparently" Craig replied, his voice turned serious, almost as if he wished for the man he loved to finally figure it out even though he knew that his feelings would never be returned. Craig tightened his grasp on the steering wheel. His skin went white at the knuckles.
"M-Marcus..." He swallowed hard as his locked to the road that was ahead.
"Yeah," He responded while keeping a steady gaze at the fast moving cars, trees and buildings that past them by. Marcus mesmerized by the small droplets of water that hit the fogged windows delicately like feathers as they drove through the late evening busy roads of Manhattan.
There was hesitation and uneasiness in Craig's voice before he spoke. "I need to ask you something..." Craig's voice trailed. His eyes were still glued to the road. He was avoiding eye contact.
. . . .
Anne sat perched on the edge of Marcus's desk. It was the last day of the week as well as the Marcus's first day back at work after his father's death. Things around him were ordinary. No one seemed to know about his father's passing and frankly not many seemed to care. The office was infamous for its gossip and it seemed as if his loss was not gossip worthy. Pity.
"Hey! Are you listening to me?" Anna snapped her fingers in front of Marcus's face. It snapped him back from his thoughts.
"Sorry, what did you say?" He asked, looking away from the computer screen and at Anna.
"You've been distracted all day..." Anna complained and crossed her legs, one over the other.
It was true, he had been distracted. Ever since his conversation with Craig he had been. How could Craig –of all people—assume something like that? It was preposterous. Ignoring the ringing phone on his desk he swung his chair towards Anna then stood up and looked her dead in the eyes. Startled she leaned back on her arms and gave him a suspicious look.
"What-are-you-doing?" She exclaimed when Marcus said nothing.
"Oh nothing, sorry." There was frustration in his voice, he ran his fingers through his hair and hung his head back thinking what he should do. There was no possible way he could ask her that question without her suspecting something. Knowing her; she was bound to tell someone or everyone. The idea fizzled down as soon as it came to him. It was ridiculous and unappealing.
A low knock came from behind them. When they turned the receptionist –Josie—stood at the entrance.
Marcus's breath caught his throat causing him to let out a very uncomfortable cough when he saw the receptionist holding something of the peculiar kind. Anna shot him a questioning look. Marcus ignored it as suspicion loomed into Marcus's thoughts. He had thought it strange when there wasn't anything waiting for him in the morning and even after lunch. It was already five –which meant it was time to leave. He had always received something before the end of each day so he had inkling of what the package might be.
"Someone dropped this off for you..." Josie said holding the package towards Marcus.
"Who brought it?" He asked, the response was almost automatic. Some kind of description would help him figure out who was sending the presents. But he had a hunch that they weren't stupid enough to let them be discovered.
Suddenly he remembered what he had been meaning to do a few days ago. But he hadn't been able to because something kept getting in the way.
"Ummm....It was a woman, brunette; five nine, probably. Early thirties, I think she works at the LTO office. Why?" Josie's eyes were glistening with anticipation. Bloody Gossip, he thought. The gleam suggested an affair, possibly a relationship that he hadn't mentioned to anyone. But that was far from the truth.
"No... and thank you for..." He paused and took a deep breath. "Bringing this to me." He forced a smile on his face he took the package and carelessly dropped it on the desk. The thud that came from inside the box caught his attention, and he snapped his head in the same direction. He turned to Anna, it was apparent that it had her attention too. He thanked Josie once more and waited for the woman to leave. Once she did Marcus's attention was back on the box.
Taking it between his hands, he shook it. Probably wasn't the best idea. There was something heavy inside it, something that was made from glass perhaps. Ripping the tape away he opened the cardboard box. Once more there was a neat envelope on the outer cover with Marcus's name written in cursive. This time the writing was by hand. Long handed and sophisticated lettering. Before Anna gained knowledge of the note he chucked it under his desk hoping that she hadn't seen it. No one needed to see the letters other than him. His eyes shifted to Anna cautiously and when she turned around to look at him after being distracted by her phone. She hadn't seemed to have noticed what he had done. Good.
When he opened the second lid that concealed what the box held he didn't know what to think. Outrage was rushing through him. He wasn't a woman. Why would anyone send him Perfume? Perfume was far too feminine.
Marcus glared at the Gold and black box which read 'No:1' on the black in gold. It wasn't that the fragrance itself was feminine. But it struck his masculinity –hard.
What Craig had questioned him about before ran through his mind. It interfered with the way he felt –blowing the strike at his masculinity even more. He took the black box out the packaging he ripped the protective film and opened the fragrance box.
The inside smelled expensive. It was a chocolate wooden box. Something inside told him that he had to be careful so he was. Slowly pulling the box out, he placed it on the table carefully. With the slight flick of his thumb he unlocked the gold lock and raised the lid.
"Oh My God!" Anna breathed, her jaw dropped. Her eyes were wide and filled with excitement. She didn't dare to touch it.
Inside was a bottle. A transparent small bottle filled with tea coloured liquid. A knobbed head covered the spray. The perfume was set in cushioned black satin that cradled it like a new born child. 'Clive Christian' it inscribed in gold underneath the design of the Coat of arms. Thousands of thoughts ran through his mind. He was physically and mentally lost.
"Clive Christian..." Anna read the name out loud and nodded her head. "Fancy... oh yeah, did you find out who sent you that.. um thing?" She asked curiously. Anna knew not of the letters, mainly because he hid them. Marcus made sure she didn't know about them, in fact he didn't tell her about the presents that followed. She only knew about the first few. It was obvious that Anna had assumed that Marcus was having some kind of affair with a female senior associate or something along those lines and he liked to keep it that way.
They were interrupted once again. Anna's boss called her back into his office, literally. When Anna left Marcus thought of opening the letter but something held him back. He wanted to do it privately or not at all.
An hour later he was relieved to finally get out from work. All day he felt a presence around him, like he was being watched. Calling it unpleasant would have been an understatement. It was much more than that. He kept looking over his shoulder most of the time. It was either he was becoming paranoid or really starting to loose his mind.
He picked up the envelope he had dropped under the table and shoved it into his pocket discreetly before he left. In his hands he held the package he had received, there was nowhere he could hide it. It earned him strange looks, probably because he looked sketchy carrying around a package with him. He signed and ignored the looks as he left the building.
* * *
Marcus was in fact being watched, but from afar. The man always watched him, it was with genuine admiration. Everything Marcus did amused him, intrigued him. There was something about Marcus that drew him in. He had never met anyone quite like Marcus. A smile came to lips when he saw Marcus carrying the package he had sent him. He hoped Marcus liked it.
"Mister-."
"What is it?" He interrupted his secretary mid speech and turned away from the window.
* * *
When Marcus finally arrived home, his apartment felt foreign. Emptiness was all around. He set the bags on the floor, took off his coat threw it over the couch and picked the envelope out from his pocket. Staring at it for a moment he contemplated whether he should open it –just as he had done every time. He flicked the corner of the envelope and placed it on the kitchen counter. Not yet, he'd wait till the nerves settled then open it.
Marcus switched on his computer and made his way to the bathroom. Warm water would do him great good. When he walked back into the kitchen with the intension of making dinner, the envelope and the package on the counter caught his eye.
Every item Marcus had ever received was expensive. Was someone was trying to buy his affection. Money made the world go round after all. But it could never buy someone's affections –not his anyway. Though, it made him wonder about the new present. He'd never heard of it. Marcus looked at the name of the label: 'Clive Christian No.1'. Chewing on his lower lip nervously he walked over to his laptop. The Google search bar was already open and he entered the name into it hoping to find something. When the search results flashed on the screen he clicked on the first search result. And he had found he was looking for.
Marcus stopped half way through his breath and held it. What he found wasn't right. His eyes flicked from the open perfume box to the one on the screen. His cold hands shot to his mouth and clamped it shut as he gasped. That couldn't be right. Abruptly he stood up and paced back and forth, speechlessly. Occasionally paused to look at the bottle then he'd look away.
"It can't be Fu**ing Four Thousand dollars!" He yelled and ran his fingers through his hair nervously. "It can't be..."
Marcus stopped pacing and took in a long deep breath trying to calm himself down. He needed an explanation. Who sent people ridiculously priced perfumes?
The letter! Without any hesitation or a second thought he rushed to the kitchen grabbed the letter and ripped the envelope open. His chest clenched as soon as his eyes fell on to the written long hand written letter.
Dear Marcus,
Even as I write this letter I ask myself 'why' then I remember that it's probably the only way I can talk to you because honestly I don't know whether I could ever do it in person.
I told myself a thousand times that I will only write to you like this till the end of Christmas, I also promised that I would never show myself to you. I couldn't handle rejection from you. When I wrote to you last I wanted tell you who I was because I wanted to speak to you –in person. I know you are looking for me and I would rather reveal myself to you than have you find out. I don't want to be hated by you. I love you.
I know the letters make me seem as if I'm shadowing you, and I don't want to be 'the stalker'. So I decided to break my own promise and allow you to meet me. One time... so I waited for you all night long. Every time I saw a car pull up I thought it might be you. But you never came. I was positive that you had rejected me. It was painful and I was angry. Then I was informed of your father's passing and your mother's condition. Maybe it was a sign. Maybe I was always meant to remain in the shadows. Close to you but never really close. It's painful really. Walking past you and you not knowing how I feel, is painful.
When I saw you with your mother and then at the cemetery I didn't know what I should do. You, crying was painful enough to watch. There was apart of me that wanted to hug you and tell you it would be okay...even kiss you, but I knew I couldn't. It would be strange. So I stood back and I could only watch.
Getting letters and presents from some strange person is probably stranger than fiction. How could I have been so stupid! As they say 'everyone is a fool in love' I think I was always just meant to love you from afar, we were probably never meant to be. But you see, I can't let that happen. This will be the last time you'll hear from me, I hope. The perfume that came with this letter will be the last, because I won't bother you anymore.
Though, saying that to you doesn't seem right. But when I'm around you I don't want to pretend that I don't like you. It's better for both of us. As this is my last letter... I wanted to let my feelings be knows but it seems as if I'm holding myself back. But it looks like I never will. I will see you and probably say 'hello' like I have before, everything will be normal. I'd be just another person you work with, that you talk to.
I do wish for the day I can tell you, but till then I'd just have to love you from afar –like I always have. I'll see you at the Christmas Party Marcus. Wear the perfume, not that I'm expecting you to. I wish this could have turned out differently.
Stay Safe,
Forever Yours
.D
(Secret Admirer, A.k.a Secret Santa)
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Thank you Kisssesss
NIC xx
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