Saturday, 4th April 2009.
At this point I have started to doubt myself, if I was finding it more easy to let go, staying away, than when I was there, lingering around you. Why is it so hard for me, Lis?
Even darkness would find a reason to remind me of you. It would always remind me of the vulnerable side of you, I witnessed that night.
I didn't get it how people thought you to be very predictable and open, because to me you were always a mystery.
When I saw you walking into that crematory as late as seven in the night, that night, I was more curious than scared.
You were walking through those graves like it was something as usual as having breakfast in the morning and dinner at night. I had parked my truck just a few feet away from that creepy Iron Gate of the crematory.
I didn't have any idea why in the world I was following you to the crematory. I always had this thing with crematories and graves, I guess because it all had something to do with funerals.
I found you kneeling on the ground. I was having these possibilities in my head that you might be possessed. But as I got closer I heard a faint voice of compassion and cries. I didn't want to disturb you or cause you any trouble. I knew the kind of impression I left on you last time. But I guess my luck was the worst. The crunching sounds of the dry leaves beneath my shoes caught your attention. You had just stopped your prayers.
And KABOOM!
Didn't you explode this time? I was expecting some furious words and heart wrenching scolds. I couldn't make it out why I was disappointed by your reaction. It was then that I realized, rather than your silence I preferred that feisty Lisbeth of basketball court more.
"Are you okay?" I reached out to you.
"Caleb, just go away. I am not in a mood to argue with you today." Your voice was brittle and shaky. I had never heard that voice before - when we were mere strangers walking past. It was vulnerable and sorrowful.
I wanted to let you know it was okay to feel that way, it was okay to be human; it was okay to be...just you. But I couldn't say those words out loud. I felt a ball of fear had formed in my gut and I was finding it hard to gulp it down to my insides, but when I did, I felt my insides twist all around.
Remember, when I said, "I am here to help if you—"
And you cut me short by saying,"I am fine. Just go." Well, it took me a hell lot of courage to speak up. And with all the leftover courage I had, I left you all alone and walked away.
Later that night I did think about you, Lis. I really did. For the first time in all those years through high school, your name came up on my mind.
Don't get me wrong, but I got the name on that grave that night. Though I couldn't see the year and the epitaph, I figured it must have been someone really close to you.
"Might be a sister you had?" All I could do was wonder.
Love,
Caleb.
PS: I still pray for her soul to rest in peace.
*please do vote, comment and share if you liked:)*
Until next Saturday, take care❤