I'm not strong.
I know I'm not. I'm tired, and scared. I'm not responsible, I don't know what the greater good is, and I don't know how to control my temper.
I'm an asshole, that's what I am. I'm an unreliable, emotional, stubborn, clingy asshole.
Why did I ever think I could be any use to someone bigger than me? Someone with bigger plans, bigger hopes, bigger dreams. Ezra only ever tried to help me, and look what I did.
You were right before- this would have never happened if I just wouldn't have given you my number and we never saw each other again!
God- I probably deserve whatever fate I just laid out for myself.
-:*:-
It's been four days.
With so much silent time in my house I finally was able to reflect on the chaos that had happened that night. My mother was taken by Orgon's men, and held captive as a lure for me. They bit her and turned her into a vampire, then beat her until she could no longer think for herself. I've heard of that method of- brainwashing basically- before, but never saw it in use. They starved her and forced her to heal on her own, whispering instructions in her ears the entire time.
They probably left a recording of 'kill yourself' on repeat for her as she was tortured and healed.
So when she woke up, that's all she could think- all she knew. Nothing but pain and those words. That's it.
My throat still stings, even days later. I screamed for all the people I knew. I screamed for Ezra, Amelia, Rin, Mahin. I screamed for my mom, my dad, and my grandmother. No matter how loud I was, it didn't fix anything. It didn't un-vampire my mom, it didn't wake Achille up from that exhaustion coma he put himself in, and it didn't bring Ezra back. He hasn't talked to me at all.
No one has. No one wants anything to do with me anymore. It's my fault- all of it. Maybe if I really wouldn't have given Ezra my number, I wouldn't have seen him since that day I untied his hands and showed him how to take a collar off his own neck.
But if I wouldn't have, where would I be? Would I have regret my decision when I went home that morning and studied his profile? Would I try to find him again? Would I wish that I would have done something greater with my life, and actually helped someone with bigger problems than me- even if the risk meant my own life?
Yes I would. I would do all of those things.
It's sick, I know it is, but after everything's through I would rather live a better life with serious risks than live safely with nothing to say I survived.
I never imagined that dream would become so, broad, though. My mom- I never would have thought she would be affected before me. Why wasn't it me?
Why couldn't it have been me?
-:*:-
My computer is the only thing that distracts me from the silence of the house. It's been hours, and no one has called to see if I'm still here, or if I'm planning on going to the hospital. Physically, mom's fine, but she's been having panic attacks almost any time someone moves by her door too fast. She'll be okay, they say, but it'll take time.
I don't want to wait. I just want everything to be okay again. I would do anything to have someone sitting on my bed, making fun of me for my messy hair or 'I only date vampires' pajama shirt. Instead I just avoid looking in the mirror, ignoring the fact that it's been a while since I showered or turned off my monitor.
I keep finding myself looking back on Ezra's profile shot. It's him, but not at the same time. Whoever they are, they have the same angry expression, the same wild black hair, and the same pale gray skin. They have the same muscles on their shoulders, and the same intimidating way of eye contact. But it's not Ezra. The one in the picture is too empty. Too dead. Too hopeless, and too okay with the position they're in.
I had managed to get off the anonymous network and be normal for a few hours, but I got bored. The web on the surface seems plastic- some artificial sugar coating smoothing over any rough edges. It's hard to search through knowing that the other side exists, almost digging guilt into my stomach just because I know there's bigger stuff going on somewhere else, and I'm choosing to ignore it.
So I pull it up again. I search through my bookmarks and find Ezra's name, filling in the letters and numbers into the search bar to draw up the same website I showed him forever ago. It had been the first time he recognized his own face in years.
The page burns my eyes in the darkness of my room as it displays on the wide screen, even the burnt out colors proving to be too difficult for my head to handle. Pain drills into the backs of my eyes, threatening a migraine if I don't shut off the screen.
But the page is different this time. Instead of a list of fighters and their stats, I see a black screen with a single play button in the center. There's only one line of white text on the entire page, no matter how much I click and scroll.
To: Leon
From: Ezra <3
My heart sinks. He hasn't been reported as spotted.
I don't want to click on it. Something selfish inside of me tells me not to, and that if I don't I won't have to deal with whatever hell the underground is trying to drag me into. But if Ezra were to get something this suspicious with my name on it, he'd see what was wrong. He'd do anything for me.
I click the button and lean back, hugging my knees.
The audio opens and fills the screen with a black bar, making my headache flare as it flashes with light and bouncing waves are exposed. It's quiet and static filled.
I sit up slightly, hesitating as a voice picks up from somewhere away from the mic. The sound of footsteps makes the lines bounce and jump higher the louder they get.
"It's good to see you took such good care of my pet here, Leon," a man says, hissing out my name in a way that flips my stomach over a thousand times. I feel like I should know who they are.
"Well, I guess since you found this message you know your boyfriend has been, absent, for a few days."
I freeze, hesitating as the sound of rattling chains makes the lights flicker on the screen; each line is a different color and shows a different pitch. The neon green one vibrates as someone groans under the confident voice of the older man.
I lean forward suddenly, placing a foot on the ground. I've heard that voice before.
"Oh good- you're up! Say hello!"
If my heart could stop beating, it would. For once, his voice is the last thing I want to hear. I don't want to believe it; it can't be real.
"What- What did you do to me?"
"Ezra," I whisper, unable to open my mouth any further.
His voice is rough and tired, like he had been silent for a few hours and hadn't cleared his throat yet. I can hear the confusion and sudden panic as the chains rattle and pull, rustling filling the speaker as he starts pulling and trying to break free.
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?"
I tense hard, sinking back into my chair as Ezra's voice booms through my speakers. They squeal with the double layer of his voice- it only does that when he uses that strange ability he developed in the rings. I never understood why vampires had that, until I heard him use it in person. It's terrifying, and makes my eardrums throb. I can't imagine the fear knowing the warning was targeted at me.
"Relax, kid. It's just a new uniform. I wish I could send a picture of you to your lover boy, but sadly neither of us show up on camera anymore. I'm sure he'd enjoy the chains, since I read he enjoys the training tools us conductors tend to use."
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, ORGON! I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!"
"I'd let you try right now, but I don't think you'd be able to find me past all that glitter in your eyes. I figured you'd enjoy the theme change, but it appears it's just getting in the way."
"LET ME OUT!"
Something snaps in the audio, making the lines dart up and down sharply. There's yelling, then a loud thud and a gasp. My throat starts to burn as it falls silent.
"Well, Leon," Orgon says after a few tense moments, pushing his words through his breath. Something must have hit him. "I'm sure you'd like to know where this, lovely, boy is.
"You have one chance," he continues, pausing for a moment as he swallows. Ezra groans again in the background. "You can come work for me for a night and free him and his friends in the morning after the full moon, or pretend you never got this message and carry on with your life as it was before you met him. I won't contact you anymore, I'll put you on a no harm list, and I'll pretend you were never such a parasite to my business.
"Doesn't that sound like a nice plan, Ezra?" he asks, drawing a yelp out of the other vampire as the chains rattle. Silence vibrates the lines on the screen.
"L-Leon." Ezra's tired and shaky voice plays through the speaker, making nausea well in my stomach. He sounds quieter than before, more exhausted and defeated. I've never heard him sound like that before, even when I convinced him killing those hunters to defend the both of us was out of protection, and he wasn't a monster. It took so long to get that tone out of his voice, but I can hear it again; it's so much worse.
"Stay, away."
-:*:-
I know what he said, but it was a recording. It had to have been days ago, and I can only imagine all the 'training' he has been put through. Still, even now as I run down the sidewalk, he must be under some form of torture or preparation for the Hidden Powers ring. There's only three days left until the full moon, and all the other conductors have been preparing their fighters all month. Ezra only had a few days to be beaten back into shape, and it has to be ruthless to bend him back.
I can still vaguely remember where S1 is. I tried to call Amelia and tell her Orgon's free again, but she won't answer. No one will.
They can't still be that occupied with my mom, can they? She's at the hospital- all they should have done was drop her off and talk to a few doctors. They know what they're doing. And dad's there, as well and grandma and aunt Jennifer. The gangs that were there that night should be back to whatever they were doing before, and be out of sight again.
S1 is on the other side of the bridge from my house, a few blocks into the street filled with foreign restaurants, and tucked behind two shady apartment buildings that look like they're falling apart themselves. I'm thankful it's daytime, because if I had to find this place in the dark I probably would have gotten lost. Not only would I be wandering back allies to find the front door, I would probably get too paranoid about all the smokers and bums that wander around the apartments.
I know that's a stereotype, but it still scares me. When Ezra was with me I knew I wouldn't be touched, and even without him I know no supernatural creatures will give me a second glance. Humans don't care though, and most of the people on this block are probably ready to die anyway.
The front door looks weak and somewhat broken, covered in peeling paint and scuff marks. I know in reality this door is locked seventeen times over from the inside. I know there's a camera somewhere above my head, as well as a motion sensor that would alert the front desk that someone is outside. They have to know I'm here already, but not who I am.
I pull down my hood, banging on the door before looking up and scanning the bricks. They're all dirty and soot covered, but still I spot the slight glint of camera lenses from within a few cracks. I wave, but nothing moves.
I bang on the door again, making the side of my hand sting with the force. I lean forward and press my ear against the door, the sudden give of what I assumed was a sturdy door making me stumble forward over a foot inside the building.
"Oh good, you finally decided to show up."
I stagger back, gripping one hand on the doorframe so I don't fall back out. Someone was waiting inside, sitting behind the front desk with their feet propped up on the bare wood.
Orgon smiles, giving a short two finger wave. He sets a binder down on the desk as he stands, and as he grows taller I can almost feel myself shrink. When did I start holding my breath?
"Since you're here I guess that means you accept my offer," he says, taking off his hat and brushing a hand back and through his graying hair. I've never seen him close up, only in pictures, but now that he's been turned himself he looks a lot younger. More confident, and eager.
"How did you know I was coming here?" I ask quietly, finally glancing down the long hallway that leads from the front door. This isn't the S1 I remember- this is a war zone.
I suddenly gag, leaning over as I spot the blood stains streaking the hard floor. They're clotted and dirty, surrounded by flies and bugs. They don't seem to bother Orgon.
"I know a lot of people that will do a few favors for a wad of green," he says, smiling politely. He steps around the desk, putting his hat back on top of his head before holding out his hand. I stare, struggling to focus while keeping myself standing. This man...
"My offer was that you'd work under me for one night," he says, keeping his hand out between us, "and I'll release Ezra and his friends the morning after. Is that what you want- or are you just here to tell me you're disappearing from the underground?"
I hesitate, glancing down at his hand. It's still, unlike mine, which shake at my sides. "What would I do?" I ask, "if I were to accept?"
Orgon grins, tilting his chin up. I'm afraid to say no now, even if I wanted to give everything up and live with the guilt the rest of my life.
"That's for me to decide," he says.
"Am I going to get out of this alive?"
Orgon tips his chin back down, but his calm attitude remains. "You would be free to go after, as well."
I look back down at his open hand, debating the offer. Everyone in S1 appears to be gone or dead, my mom is in the hospital, and right now it looks like I'm the only one he wants. If I just do what he wants, for one night, all the people he's captured will be set free. Right? Including me?
One night. I'll come out alive.
One night.
Orgon grins as I take his hand, shaking down once before taking it back. He looks satisfied, but not surprised.
"Great choice," he complements, "I'm sure Ezra will be happy to see you again."