A/n: Okay so ClaraS2000 made a SUPER good point that changed my mind immediately about not writing this second part. It's a little darker and I'm probably gonna get cyclical because I know what it's like to live with domestic abuse but I feel the need to properly represent the important message of the video so here fucking goes. Love you all :)
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Have you ever looked back on a memory that seeemd so normal, and random details pop out to you that... aren't normal? It sets you on edge. You sit in bed and stare at the wall and your mind reels as you just sit there and can't help but wonder if there was something right in front of your face that you were missing.
Really, it started when Aaron and I officially started dating. Hannah moved out, leaving him the apartment. Weirdly enough, though, Aaron seemed to never want to go home. The longer we dated, the more I started how happy and at ease he was with me. How much he laughed and smiled. How his body melted, each muscle at ease. He closed his eyes, smiling softly. No worries. Slowly, though. It wasn't until he got better that I realized there was anything wrong. Because, though he was at peace and in total bliss while with me and his friends, any time he got around Hannah...
Honestly I didn't know know what it was. The way his smile faded around her. The way he seemed to age. How his shoulders sagged and he couldn't seem to sit properly straight. How emotionally dead and numb he seemed. It brought to the surface little things I hadn't given a second thought. One morning I was late and I couldn't find my shoes. Aaron was sitting on the bed and I'd rushed into the room in a panic, asking frantically if he knew where my shoes were. He'd jumped, eyes shooting wide and finding me in a panic before he took in my face and calmed. Another time, when I'd gotten a good score on a game and went to get a high five - only for him to flinch, blinking hard before he laughed it off and high fived me. One night when his tossing and turning had woken me. He'd been drenched in sweat and wouldn't stop mumbling about how sorry he was to have woken me. For the bothering me. I'd taken me ten minutes to calm him down and get a brief explanation about how he'd had a nightmare and felt bad since I had work tomorrow. It was nothing, he'd promise. Go back to bed, he'd soothed.
Although I stood by the idea that Aaron always came to me with everything - especially while he and Hannah were together - I was becoming steadily more and more convinced that... no. He hadn't. He was hiding something.
Shit really hit the fan when Aaron met my parents. Everything had been going great. My parents were warm and friendly and all the good stuff they always were. Then my dad asked how work was going. Aaron had told them about his job earlier and they had approved. It was a stable thing, what he did. Reasonable. It could support him. It was a "real" job. When I admitted that I'd had two different jobs as a waitress in two different places - a diner, which made him frown... but also a bar, which made him flare - that's when everything just rolled down hill at break neck speed.
He'd started tearing into me vciciously. Sneering about how that's why I smelled so weird. How one never really got the smell of whore out of their skin. He went on and on and on about how Aaron could do better than a skank like me and my mom laughed heartily at all his jabs. I deflated into my chair, wearing a smile even though the words stung. This was nothing new. If dealt with this and worse as a child. My parents were firm believers in playful teasing and discipline. They were good parents. Tough love had made me the person I was today and I could say I didn't turn out too badly either.
During the drive home as I was listening to music and tuning out all the self hate thoughts that always tried to swallow me whole every time I went over there, I couldn't help but notice that Aaron looked extremely tense and upset. This concerned me and my stupid snowflake emotions and my over sensitive weaknesses didn't matter. I took his hand but that didn't even effect him. I frowned. "Aaron? Are you okay?"
Staying quiet for a few more beats, he just drive with one hand and glared at the road ahead instead of answering my question. I squeezed his hand and he breathed harshly out of his nose before he pulled to the side of the road, parking the car. He looked at me. "How long has he been like that?"
Unsure on what had him so upset, I shrugged. "My... dad?" I tried to clarify. Aaron nodded sharply. "He's always been like that," I answer slowly, confused. "Why do you think I turned out so great? He's a fantastic dad and-"
Aaron shook his head. "No." I rose an eyebrow. "That's not... I thought you were oblivious. I thought you just weren't paying attention. You didn't see. Whether you couldn't or you didn't want to because you cared for Hannah so much... I wasn't sure how to even bring it up. How to explain to you ever how she- How I stayed because I felt obligated. How she told me I was her only reason for living and kept me close and got me attached. How I- Why-?" He cut off, running his free hand through his hair. I sat silent, a little on edge as all the little things I'd noticed and the little wonders and doubts I'd had came back to me. Major red flags were going off but I felt like I was missing an important piece to the puzzle. I just... didn't know how to fix my confusion. "That's not normal," Aaron urged. "The way he talks to you. The way you and your mom laugh at it like it's funny. That's not good. Or healthy. It's... It's..."
No, I begged. Don't say the 'a' word. Please. Please don't say it.
Oblivious to my mental please, Aaron shook his head. "It's abusive, Love. That's wrong. It's so wrong and evil and... not okay."
My brain immediately reeled to reject it. I looked away, my emotions turning off as I became numb. "No," I told him robotically. I'd written and memorized this monologue at the ripe age of eight. Since then, I'd used it countless times. To use it again, after so long of being safe from prying eyes, felt... weird. "No," I repeated. "He's not like that, Aaron. I've seen abuse. It's terrible. He's... he's not. He's just a tough love kinda guy who believes in teasing and pushing buttons. Quite childish sometimes, really. That's the real problem. He's just childish. Trust me, Aaron, he's so good. He seems a little off putting at first but once you get to know him you'll see too. He was bullied a lot as a kid and he handles it differently than other people. He's such a good guy though. He's my step dad, but he raised me like I was his own even though he didn't have to. Loved me. Stayed by me. I'm so lucky to have him. I owe him so much." The words sounded robotic and fake. Over practiced. They left a metallic taste in my mouth and I smacked my lips briefly, my nose scrunching at the unexpected tang.
His face contorted in worry, Aaron held my face and made me look at him. "I know it's hard to admit. It's easy to shy away from and hide from and look away from. I... I know." His voice broke and he blinked hard to keep focused.
My voice grew soft. "How...?" I began.
Aaron frowned and I shook my head. No. No way. Uh huh. I refused to believe. "I didn't want to tell you. Not like this, at least. Not now. Not yet. I'm so sorry." He held my face, forcing me to look at him as he saw me trying to doubt it. "Hannah," he whispered. "When I was with her... she... it was..." He paled, his face getting sweaty and his eyebrows coming together. I pushed away from him. No. No no no. This can't be happening. Not someone else. Not again. "Please don't push me away. I felt so weak and alone and.... god, please don't shut me out."
Running my hand over my face, I took a shaky breath. I remembered the many red flags. The black eye one time he claimed to have fallen down the stairs. The cuts on his chest he'd sworn were from running through the woods shirtless with Hannah on a date; being on the ground and... well I didn't ask details. Maybe that's why he told me that. The flinching and the fear and the deflation. The piece I'd been too scared to see, rather than not been able to find, finally was revealed.
My face twisting in agony for the boy I loved so much. I pulled him to me, pulling him down to be able to hold him. He was taller than me and stronger than me and if he didn't just melt into me as he did now, he could easily take control. But he didn't. He leaned into me, busting into tears. I clung to him. I held him together, clinging as desperately as I could. He squeezed, only holding back to make sure I could still breathe. If only barely. He cried and I curved my body, pressing flush against him. I didn't move him. I didn't force anything. I just sat there as he shook and I held him.
When he began to calm down, his hiccups replacing the uncontrollable sobs, he whispered. "I love you. So, so much. I love you. I love you."
Those words seemed to hold a bundled 'Thank you' and 'you're safe' and 'I like you' and 'you have given me everything' and 'please never leave me' and 'please never be her' and it all added up into different 'I love you's that shook me to my core.
Kissing his forehead, I continue to hold him as I whispered, "I love you too, Aaron. I love you too."