Mama who bore me
Mama who gave me
No way to handle things
Who made me so sad
Mama, the weeping
Mama, the angels
No sleep in Heaven, or Bethlehem
The door closed behind me, sealing me from the sterile white of heaven; leaving only the faint twilight. I was in a forest of Pines that stood like silent skyscrapers. There was music through the rustle of the needles. Looking over my shoulder, I couldn't make out where the door had been located. Biting my lip, I looked back through the trees.
There was no way I could go back, the only thing waiting for me out there was probably my death. That left one option: to go forward.
While the trees were tall and seemingly infinite in number, they were not very dense. It wasn't long before my eyes locked onto a building up ahead. Making it to the treeline, I scanned the clearing, with weary eyes. Leaning against a trunk, I began to process the brutality of what had just happened.
In the clearing, a pristine cabin with glowing windows sat waiting. Off to the left was a lake, and it looked like it was the only place for miles. The windows were open wide, and through them drifted "Seven Bridges Road," by the Eagles.
Working my way slowly down the hillside, I crept around the edge of the cabin. Inside, I could hear her singing the words to her favorite song. I leaned against the wall, hand pressed to my mouth to stop the sob. Mom.
Composing myself, I continued around to the front of the porch, the door was ajar. Why wouldn't it be? This was heaven. With my left arm still held to my chest, and my clothes ripped and bloodied, I stood in the open doorway watching my mom. The smell of her homemade spaghetti overwhelmed me, and the smallest whimper left my trembling lips. She stopped, and turning on her heel her dark brown eyes locked with mine immediately.
"Angel," She breathed the word that was once a sentimental nickname, her hands going to her mouth at the sight of me. I stumbled into the room as she ran from the kitchen to catch me. The second her arms wrapped around me, the flood gates opened. Granted this was customary for pretty much every time I had seen her, well thought I had seen her, since the day she died.
"Baby," she gasped, "Oh my god, honey, how...what...Rachel, who did this to you?" I couldn't answer her question. Her eyes latched onto the deep cuts on my arms, and the holes that dotted my forehead in a perfect line. If only she knew about the scars that ran from my shoulder blades down towards my spine, or about the burn mark that distorted the gentle skin above my heart.
"Mama," the word was shaky and rough. She looked at me, shame and fear in her eyes.
"It's okay baby," She cooed, "It's okay." She saw the nails still protruding hit." Mom released me and looked at my arm, which made me wince. Her expression darkened. "Stay here." She demanded, getting to her feet.
"Yep," I groaned, leaning against the leather couch. She returned a moment later with what looked like a hot bowl of water, a towel, a first aid kit, and a pair of pliers.
"Who did this to you?" She repeated, wiping off my face and arms. She was in full blown mom-mode.
"The angels," I whispered closing my eyes. Her hands stopped, and I felt her gaze on me.
"Was it-"
"No mom, she's gone." I replied, opening one eyes to look at her, "This was Heaven." Furrowing her eyebrows, she looked at the nails in my arms, and the cuts that were still covered in fresh blood.
"I'm going to take these out," Her voice was soft, she couldn't look me in the eyes, "Ready?"
"Ready." Clasping the pliers around the first nail, I pushed down the screams that accompanied the removal. She let me catch my breath, as she wrapped the first wound. I was wrong, this wasn't mom mode, it was hunter-mode. This was my mom as Dean had known her to be.
"Okay, round two," She gripped the second one, and pulled it from my numb arm. Breathing heavily, I rested my head against the cushions. The feeling of her eyes on me was equally comforting and foreign. She reach out and rested her palm against my bruised cheek. Glancing at her, I saw the tears rolling down her face. "My brave girl," The warmth of her hand made my soul ache. "My hero." The weight of those two words, made me fold in on myself.
"Please," I begged, as she caressed my blood stained face, "I don't want to be the hero anymore." Mom pulled me into her, despite the blood and the tears, she ran her hand over my hair. Mom held me as a wept, and the weird thing was, the only person that I wanted to be with was my dad. I missed my dad.
"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I use your shower?" She let go of me, a small smile crossing her face.
"Down the hall and two the left," There was a sad smile in her eyes, "It that my Scorpions shirt?" A new brightness appeared in her eyes.
"It was your Scorpions shirt." I replied with a crooked smile.
She smirked, "I'll go get you some clothes." I nodded and walked towards the bathroom, my hand drifting across the log walls. I remembered being a kid, and Mom used to talk about buying a cabin somewhere by a lake, where we would go and spend the summer. She worked from home when I was younger so it never seemed that far away, but like most things in life, we lived dollar to dollar and it remained a dream. This was good for her. It was what she had always wanted.
I was leaning against the sink when she reappeared. A fresh red flannel, jeans, and even a pair of grey thermal socks rested in her arms. She smiled at me, that bright, amazing smile that used to light up any room. Giving me the clothing, she told me how to turn on the faucet without burning the shit out of myself.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of my terrifying appearance. Closing my eyes, I focused on the feeling of suffocation that was clutching my lungs. Since the start, I had been having these attacks, Sam says that it's normal. That he has them too. I could hear his voice in the back of my head.
"Breath," He would say, placing a hand on my shoulder, "Take one deep breath in, and then let it out slowly. Focus on what is causing this. What was it? How can you control it?" I couldn't control it, and that was the issue. Looking into the reflection of the mirror, I studied the now closed scars that lined my forehead. Just another piece to the puzzle, another story to tell.
Some pray that, one day, Christ will come a-callin'
They light a candle, and hope that it glows
And some just lie there, crying for him to come and find them
But when he comes, they don't know how to go
Sinking into the steaming water, the blood was washed away, and only faint white lines remained. How had it come to this? Shaking my head, I closed my eyes and let the weight of my life slip off my shoulders. If I could have even an ounce of peace like this again, I would be satisfied. This is what I wanted now.
When I returned to the front room of the cabin, Mom was sitting outside on the barn red rocking chairs. She glanced up with a smile.
"There is the girl I remember." A faint smile wove its way into my lips.
"I've thought about you everyday," I replied, sounding more like myself. She extended her hand which I took gratefully.
"You were so small when you were born, that they kept you in an incubator, all I could do was hold your hand and wait." The words were faint, and the misty look in her eyes was forlorn, "Baby, I am so sorry."
"It's okay, Mama."
"It's not. It will never be okay, and I can handle that." She whispered, eyes locked onto the shimmer of the lake. "This never should have happened." She turned her doe eyes to me, "Rachel, you were never supposed to live like this."
"I know," my whisper was as faint as the breeze that stirred my damp hair. "But I feel like I know you better than I did when you were alive." She wiped a tear from her face.
"I should have told you. I should have kept you safe."
"You died for me, what more could you have done?"
"I should have taught you. I should have-"
"Mom." She stopped talking, "There are a million things that we "should have" done, but I'm starting to think that no matter what, we still would have ended up here." Mom dropped her gaze, running her thumb over the back of my hand.
"I abandoned you...There have been so many times where I swear I have seen you, talked to you, led you...Just dreams I guess."
"No, they happened, you were there. You never left me, Mom," I grabbed the silver cross that still hung from my neck, "I've never been alone." My throat closed up and the breath hitched in my chest.
"How's Dean?" She asked, a small smile wiping away the tears.
"He's crazy," I grinned, "He's great, Mom. All of them are great." Mom listened intently as I told her about Sam and how he had helped me understand what it meant to be in the life. She smiled as I explained how important Bobby was to my education and how it led me to meet Bentley, which of course, led to a long series of teasing.
"I always wanted to have more kids, but it never felt right," She explained when I told her about Cassidy and how she was like my sister and cousin all at the same time, "I'm glad you have someone there for you." Explaining Castiel was a little more complicated, given that she immediately thought that he was associated with Evangeline. That discussion led to a brief and emotional set of questions about Evangeline and Lily. I will never forget the look on her face when I told her what was happening. Then, I got to dad.
"We didn't see eye to eye at first, we were both too stubborn and too scared to get close to one another. It seemed like he didn't want me. Originally he wanted to leave me with Bobby, but that was not happening." Furrowing my eyebrows, I recalled the events of that day, "Then I met your parents." Mom stiffened visibly.
"What?"
"They came for me, out of nowhere."
"I thought they were dead."
"Apparently everyone did, but it was all a ruse. They came to Bobby's and demanded that I go with them, that they deserved to raise me. That it was better than anything a Winchester could do." I shook my head, "I'm pretty sure I told your dad to go screw himself." Mom laughed a little at that, but there was certainly pain in her eyes. She grew quite and asked a heavy question.
"How was my mom?"
"She looked good, sad though. I'm pretty sure that she was pissed at your dad for the way he tried to take me away." She pressed her lips, with a small nod of her head.
"Mom was a good lady, she deserved better than Dad." The edge in her voice reminded me of the pain that he had put her through. I couldn't even imagine growing up in that house hold, it still amazed me that Mom turned out the way she did. We let the silence settle around us again.
"This feels like a dream," my words rang out disrupting the chirping crickets, "It's been two years, Mom."
"It feels like yesterday," she stared out into the dark. Suddenly her eyes narrowed and she was leaning forward in the chair, scanning the treeline.
"Mom?" She hushed my nervous question, rising to her feet. The panic rose up in my chest again, and I looked towards the rows of pines for answers. I couldn't see anything at first, but then, out on the north end of the field, there was a flicker of movement. Silently jumping to my feet, Mom threw out her arm and stopped me from making any other movement. The seriousness that flashed through her eyes told me to freeze, and not to act till she said so. Time seemed to slow in that instant, and as the figure ran towards us, I could tell that something was wrong. That they were struggling to keep upright.
"Rachel!" The familiar voice yelled, "Rachel!" It was Castiel.
"Mom, it's Cas," I stuttered as he made it into the glow of the porch light. Sure enough, Castiel was in much worse condition than I had left him in. Moving passed my mom, I met Cas halfway to the porch, just in time to catch him before he face planted.
"We have to go," Cas grumbled, the words sounding more like a jumbled mess.
"Cas, we can't. You're too weak!"
"Rachel, they are coming." I looked towards the treeline, there was no movement, yet. I felt and hand on my shoulder.
"What can I do to help?" Mom asked, her dark eyes shining with determination. Looking down at Castiel, whose eyes were beginning to roll into the back of his head, I flipped through ideas.
"We have to get out of here, but I don't know if I'm strong enough," I stated, "We need a distraction. Cas?" The angel's eyes flickered upwards, "Cas, how do we get out of here?"
"The odd," He murmured, "thing." Before he could say more he passed out, which instantly made him feel like he weight 20 lbs more. Gently placing Cas on the ground, I looked back at my mom.
"The odd thing?" I furrowed my eyebrows, "What the hell does that even mean?" She was staring at the angel, her lips were pursed, eyes narrowed.
"How did you get in here?"
"What? I told you you, the angels."
"No, into my heaven. How?" Staring blankly at my mom, I tried to process what she was asking.
"A door!" I gasped, "It opened and I was in the woods. Do you think there would be another one?"
"There is only one way to see," My mom raced back into the house looking for "the odd thing" whatever that was. "I got it!" She cried. Running back down the steps she returned to my side and helped me haphazardly pull Cas into the cabin. The unconscious angel was heavier than he looked. Mom ordered me to set Cas in front of the fireplace. "The odd thing," She gasped, "I found it."
"Where?" I kept looking out the window, waiting to see an army of angels marching towards us. Mom walked to the mantle, and pointed out a picture. It was of me and her, which was fairly normal, except I was wearing a cap and gown. It was a picture of us at my graduation. She smiled at me, though there were tears in her eyes.
"I wish it could have happened."
"Me too, Mama." The pause between us felt infinitely longer than it was. Snapping out of it I devised a plan of escape, "when you open the door, I need you too follow us out."
"Baby, I can't come back to Earth."
"No, not like that," I shook my head, "Heaven is full of personal heavens like this. I need you to go through and open as many doors as you can, and let as many people out as possible. That way, the angels, well at least most of them, will be preoccupied with trying to get all the souls back to their heavens instead of trying to block us from getting the hell out of Dodge." Mom nodded in response. Wedging myself under Castiel's arm, I struggled to keep him upright.
"On three," Mom counted, "One, two," On three she removed the photo from the mantle, and a seam in the corner of the cabin released, revealing the same white light as before. Mom got under Cas's other arm, and we made our way into the hallway.
It was deserted, only the hundreds of doors stood waiting. Placing the full weight of the angel back onto me, Mom stepped away from us. Kissing my on my forehead she told me to tell Dean hi, and that she would be proud of me no matter what happened.
"I'll see ya, Mom," My eyes were shining. She smiled at me, determination making her dark eyes light up.
"See ya, Angel." With that we split ways for the second time. She began to open door after door, and confused people entered into the space. The blaring siren continued to ring in my ears as I took blind corners. Finally we came to a stop, a small alcove that was far enough away from the echoing voices to give us a few minutes. I shook out my hands, trying to focus all me efforts into this life or death situation. Castiel's eyes fluttered slightly.
Mama who bore me
Mama who gave me
No way to handle things
Who made me so bad
Mama, the weeping
Mama, the angels
No sleep in Heaven, or Bethlehem
"Okay, you can do this. You can do this." I knelt down beside my real guardian angel, "Hold tight Cas. This might be bumpy." Placing my hands on his shoulders, I recalled what he had tried to teach me. There in my mind, I could see the Singer Salvage Yard, it's rusting metal fence and worn down sign. That's it. That's where I want to go. The warmth spread through my shoulders and down to my fingertips. This was it, the moment of truth!
"Stop!" The shout ripped my attention away, and as I opened my eyes, I could see Charmeine running towards me, her face bloodied. It was in a matter of seconds, but I felt my breath leave my chest, and my body be removed from the ground. My hands were latched onto Castiel, and I could hear the angel screaming at me. It sounded like it was underwater.
Our bodies plunged into the freezing water. When my head broke the surface, I could see Castiel floating peacefully beside me. Off to my left, a very distraught elderly man sat holding his fishing pole, in his fiberglass fishing boat. Coughing,I tried to smile at him, wiping the water from my eyes.
"Hey, um do you have a cell phone?"
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Author's Note:
Hey y'all!
Woot Woot! Another update out, and another in the works! We only have a few left! What will happen? You'll find out soon!
Thank you all again, the for love and support of this story and for the time you all have so graciously shared with me.
Soul on Fire will be submitted to the Watty's this year so keep your eyes peeled for updates and news! Also, did you folks freak out over the season finally too? Because, let me tell you, I really had a melt down.
In other news, is there anything else y'all want to see happen before the end of the book? Let me know via message, comment, or though my other media!
See y'all soon! Stay Wayward!
Rachel Winchester.