Wave or Particle
☆ ☆ ☆
☆ ☆ ☆
Her eyes meet Albus's, and, pleasantly surprised she lifts an eyebrow and pauses.
"Kiara, hi. Are you going to the library, too?"
"Yes. Were you waiting for someone?" she pries.
"No, no, not at all."
Kiara narrows her eyes. "Would you like to join me?"
"I wouldn't want to burden. . . ."
"I would enjoy your company. We both would."
Kiara leans closer to his outstretched hand as he says hello to her snake. Albus lets Basil slither up his arm and around his shoulders. At this moment, a white three-legged cat lopes across their path, pausing for just a moment to watch them as Kiara stares back. Jamie Button appears to wink, then disappears around the corner.
"I think his cat is named after Benjamin Button."
"From the book?"
Albus smiles in affirmation, eyes twinkling. "Yeah. I gave him my copy when we were almost thirteen. Last year he came in the dungeons with this cat, and said her name is Jamie Button. We don't really talk anymore, but I have a feeling there's a direct correlation."
"Albus."
"Yeah?"
Kiara stops and turns to face him, and the boy nearly runs into her because he was distracted by the books on the shelves around them. Basil slithers back over onto Kiara.
"Why do you read Muggle books?"
"Just seems right to. Don't you find ordinary things to be just as magical?"
Basil hisses warmly, and nuzzles behind Kiara's ear. She wants to tell her snake that yes, she heard him, and yes, it's made her feel a certain type of way. His words are shocking, because she's never heard the sentiment of Muggle things being curious from anyone other than herself. In fact, often times she thinks she is supposed to feel ashamed of being Muggle-born—but she isn't.
"Cory told us when he found her that she was stuck in one of the sewer grates in London. She'd fallen through and gotten her leg stuck. He used magic to pull up the grate and got her out, before taking her to a veterinarian. When he found her, Jamie Button was almost . . . well, dead. And with time, she healed—acted younger, started playing and such. She's like a kitten trapped in full-grown cat mode."
"Full-grown cat mode," Kiara repeats, amused. She finds Albus rather dorky.
"I'm guessing that's when he named her. Because it was like she was aging in reverse, as her namesake did."
Kiara nods. "I enjoy hearing about the humanity in Scorpius."
"Cory's really great, honestly. He's a bit different since we were close, but it's all right. Everything changes—people, too. Anyway. That was one of the last times Cory got a letter from the Improper Use of Magic Department at the Ministry of Magic."
"Improper use of magic?"
"Because he was an underage wizard using magic outside of school. And many Muggles saw him. You know how they are about that."
"Oh, of course."
He laughs. It's low, soft, and inviting. "He actually made the Muggle news and everything. His mother was so frightened he was going to get expelled, and the Department had tons of fun going around and altering the Muggles' memories. That's its own thing. Not everyone agrees with that being the solution. At least, I don't."
"No?"
By this time, Kiara has led Albus deep into the library. She takes him to a dim-lit corner dedicated to astronomy. The bookcase is a mess of star maps, books, and telescopes that haven't been borrowed in ages.
"Imagine you have just experienced something wonderful, or horrifying, or just . . . unexplainable. Think about the way it keeps you up at night!"
Albus mindlessly runs a long finger across the shelf and rubs the thick dust between his fingers. It's like his brain and his body on are separate paths. Kiara wonders, if Albus were to become trapped in an empty box, if he would go insane simply for having nothing to do with his hands.
"You see a child lift a heavy sewer grate without even touching it. . . . If I knew nothing of magic, I would mull that around and around in my head forever. Then, one day, imagine that you don't remember it at all. All you're left with is this empty feeling of not knowing what you don't know. That would drive me crazy, searching for an answer when I don't even know what the question is."
"It's as though we treat their curiosity like a crime," Kiara says.
Albus is speaking of magic and Muggles, while she is thinking of how she woke up with total amnesia when she was eleven years old.
He nods, encouraged by her validation. "I would just never want to take away that power from anyone," he finishes.
Something unidentifiable sticks in her throat, and she can't say anything back, although she'd like to.
"Sorry, Kiara," Albus says instead. "I've been told I talk an awful lot about nothing in particular. Once I start, I go from one thought to the next. Rose always scolds me for making connections to things that don't make sense to anyone else."
He clears his throat.
"By the by, that thing Lily and Rose said about me being all gloomy about someone else having higher marks in Astronomy . . . it's absolute rubbish. Well, it's at least exaggerated. I'd simply made one comment about it."
"Astronomy is something I am very fond of. It's all that really makes sense to me. Muggles see stars differently, it seems," Kiara says, her fingers trailing along the spines of old books that itch to be opened again. "Witches and wizards, fortune tellers, centaurs . . . It is like we are always looking for answers and signs from stars. My father is a scientist. He looks to the stars as beacons of hope. He points our telescopes to a planet and asks, Could I live there some day? Can we leave this world yet?"
Albus has a peculiar look on his face. She can tell he sucks one cheek in, held between his teeth, and his eyes seem distant even though he stares right at her.
"What is it?"
He says, "Nothing, it's . . . nothing. I've just never heard anyone say anything like that. I'd . . . like to hear more."
Albus doesn't meet her eyes anymore, instead focusing his attention on Basil as he sleeps peacefully around her shoulders. She's never seen anyone so calm around her snake. Allergic to pet dander, Kiara has always been comfortable with reptiles—more so than she might be with other people. She's never cared before, but she appreciates Albus's interest, and even affection, toward her lovely friend.
"You could meet me in the tower south of Ravenclaw's. On Friday. Just before midnight."
"Oh, I don't sneak out after curfew anymore. You wouldn't believe the amount of detentions I've served. Headmistress McGonagall and I are practically on a first-name basis. Er . . . Don't tell her I said that, though."
Kiara smiles mischievously, looking up through her eyelashes.
"Hm. I think I will see you there."
☆ ☆ ☆
She doesn't mean to eavesdrop. Maybe—it's possible—her curiosity gets the best of her once again. She leans forward from the window ledge, making herself as small as possible as a familiar Gryffindor girl—Rose Granger-Weasley—speaks in short, angry whispers to the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain—Jason Harper, the boy Callie has most recently been fixated on.
She considers now in what ways Jason has changed since she first came to Hogwarts.
Without knowing him well, she thinks about how she's perceived him over the years in passing. He was a third-year when he was bald with his Polyjuice Paranoia syndrome, and he kept it up for the whole year. It wasn't until fourth-year—when Scorpius Malfoy infamously shut everyone outside of Slytherin from his social circle—that Jason began to evolve. Jason definitely had had a crush on Rose for a long time, and after Scorpius pushed her away, Jason stepped up.
Anyone with a pair of eyes could see that Rose and Scorpius had been falling in love. Even Kiara, who rarely saw either of them (being a year younger and in a different House), would see them in the library, taking walks around the lake, and privately celebrating each other's birthdays.
His fourth-year, Jason grew back all his hair and joined the Quidditch team. He proved himself a natural and brought pride to the Ravenclaws, who had found themselves in a drought. In a year he had become captain of the team, and then—at the end of fifth—Rose began to show up in the Ravenclaw tower at late hours. Or, Jason would be sneaking out.
So, all in all, Kiara is very curious as to what happens now.
"You never tell me anything," Jason snaps at her. "You're so secretive. It's like everything about you is a secret."
"That has nothing to do with you. We've been dating for two years, and you're just . . . letting everything we had go."
"Rosie, what do we have?"
"Years of companionship! And . . ."
"And?"
"And! And . . ."
"Do you love me?"
The silence that Jason's met with almost physically hurts. Kiara shrinks even deeper into the shadows, but she knows that the other half-a-dozen Ravenclaws 'studying' in the room are closely listening as well.
"You see, Rose? It's for the best."
"Jason—"
"You should go."
Kiara isn't certain why yet, but she follows Rose from the Ravenclaw tower.
"Rose," she calls out, wasting no time upon the spiraling staircase.
"Oh. It's you. I thought maybe Jason . . . Forget it. Did you . . . hear all that?"
"Well," Kiara says cautiously. "Yes."
Rose stops abruptly and sits on the stairs, burying her face in her hands. If Kiara were to ask anyone at Hogwarts who the most poised student is, the vote would be unanimous. Rose Granger-Weasley is an icon of grace. Her steps always soft, her posture always straight, and her words always powerful—even when she's cussing someone out.
Rose, upon face-value, seems upset over her breakup with Jason. But if Kiara looks close enough at the situation, it seems only to be a scapegoat for turmoil in Rose's brain.
"You're Kiara, right?"
"Yes."
"Kiara."
"Yes, Rose."
"I don't know what I'm doing."
"It does not seem that way. I think you are doing a very good job with everything."
Rose scoffs with disbelief. "Thanks. But I'm in my last year at Hogwarts, and I have nothing lined up. I have no credentials. I wasn't a prefect, and I'm not Head Girl. I have no idea where I want to go, or-or-or what I want to do. For the past two years I've been wasting my time, thinking a relationship with Jason would . . . fix me. . . . And give me direction. . . . Fuck. I'm sorry. You didn't ask for any of this."
"Please," Kiara says. "Continue."
Rose finally meets her eyes. She rests her cheek against her knees and looks at Kiara sidelong. Kiara is only slightly surprised to see that Rose has not been crying.
"I'm almost eighteen, and I have no idea how to adult. I'm so stressed. I have all this pressure to be someone, and do something. My mother and father are famous, Kiara. And I try so hard to dignify the family name. People say 'Look at that Rose Granger-Weasley. She's going places.' But sometimes, I wish I could just disappear."
Kiara nods earnestly. "I am familiar with that feeling."
"Of anyone in this school, you are by far the most enigmatic person. Your entire existence is so mysterious. If you disappeared, everyone would just assume you, like, transcended the mortal plane."
"May I share a secret with you?"
Rose blinks. "Yeah. With me? I . . . Yes."
"I have never been in love. This distresses me. Sometimes my friend Callie will talk in great lengths about romance, and passion, and sex. With people I meet, I can picture what it would be like to love them. I observe what they like, and what they do not like. I watch how they treat others when they are seen—and how they treat themselves when they think no one is watching. I can pick apart everything. I can live out an entire relationship with any person I meet, and then I will find a reason to end it in a matter of minutes."
Kiara joins Rose on the step.
"Sometimes I meet someone who mixes me up, though."
"Who?" Rose asks.
She flicks her eyes up. "I cannot tell," she says. "I have not thought enough about it."
"Kiara, full disclosure, I . . . heard about you and Cory at Hogsmeade."
"I am curious what you heard."
"Listen. . . . I had feelings for him, too, a long time ago."
Kiara glances away. She spends so much time observing, that she forgets other people can see her, too.
"He was my best friend. And he made me think I was his, too. He made me feel like a million Galleons. And then he cut me out and turned against me. Emmalee's kind of his girlfriend now. She told me she's been seeing him for almost a year. I didn't get along with her at all for awhile, but she told me it was because Cory hates me. She apologized, you know, and we're kind of friends now. I can see why he likes her. She's super pretty, and funny, and genuine."
Kiara feels differently about Emmalee. But instead of voicing this, she simply says, "You sound melancholy."
Rose shrugs, twisting a strand of her hair around and around her finger. "I used to care about him a lot. He's changed so much since I knew him. Honestly, I do hope that he's happy."
They're quiet for a while. She's absorbing what Rose has said.
"What do you want to do after you leave Hogwarts, Kiara?"
"I come from a family of Muggles."
Rose seems to understand what she's implying by how she looks away. Kiara is not the only student with two Muggle parents—but the subject is almost taboo. No one talks about it.
"My parents know I am a witch, of course. But my brother . . . he is thirteen years old. He is not a wizard. And he thinks I am at a boarding school. Chances are my little sister, who's only ten right now, will not be magic either."
"Does your sister know about Hogwarts?"
Kiara laughs. "She is attached to her phone. I bet even if I told her, she would not hear me. I would have to make an Instagram account and post about it, just for her to acknowledge me."
"Oh, wow," Rose says with an apologetic tone. "I really don't have a clue what you mean. But I'm sorry, anyway."
She shrugs indifferently. "Our world with Muggles does not cross. There is an entire department at the Ministry dedicated to making sure that Muggles can never understand us. Some day, soon, I will have to . . . choose."
"What does that mean for you?"
"It means after I leave Hogwarts, I have two options. The first: I can go to a Muggle university. I can forget about magic completely—let it go, and leave it behind. I can join the rest of the population in the trials and tribulations of . . . I do not know for certain. I guess, finding a career. And looking for a place where I belong in the world. In the Muggle world. And there is beauty in that, you know.
"My second option: I know many of the students are aware that I do not like using magic."
Rose nods at this. "But you're a natural."
"I am. And I could find a job in the wizarding world. That, I am sure of. I could become part of a civilization that never evolves, and never advances—because everything good already exists at the flick of our wands. I could become one with this community. I have that right, as a witch. I could build a home here. Guaranteed."
"But you would have to leave your family, and everything you know, behind."
"It would not happen all at once. But it would happen. Would it not?"
Rose touches her knee gently. A clock in the distance strikes nine-thirty. Kiara lets out a shaky breath. Neither Kiara nor Rose are accustomed to sharing so much about themselves—even with people they've known for years. Regardless, upon their first true meeting they've both opened up about thoughts that they never would've spoken aloud otherwise.
There's a fondness that Rose brings out in Kiara, and she hadn't any idea that it was there.
"If you could disappear from here, like you said," Kiara asks, "what is the first thing you think of?"
"I picture absolutely nothing," Rose responds. "Oblivion."
The girls say nothing else. They enjoy each other's existence, and that is all. In this moment there are no decisions that need to be made. There are no expectations to uphold. Soon, Kiara finds herself leaning against Rose. And moments after, Rose's cheek rests on Kiara.
When the clock strikes ten, Rose silently kisses the top of Kiara's head and leaves.
Kiara holds her chin in her hand and thinks about how lovely oblivion does sound. She thinks maybe the sun has died, and her existence is soon to be obliterated—the thought she had in the Great Hall, months ago, feels so far away:
There is unspoken beauty in total annihilation.