27…
He fell asleep on my shoulder.
I’d thought that it wasn’t possible for him to be more adorable. But then he fell asleep.
On my shoulder.
While I read to him.
When I touched his hair, a small smile lifted the corners of his mouth. I nearly died.
I couldn’t remember a time when I liked someone as much as I liked Roy. I’d never met anyone like him—nor did I think I ever would again. Roy was one of a kind. He was special. And he was asleep on my shoulder.
Setting the book aside, I slowly scooted a few inches backward until I could lean comfortably against the wall. Roy stirred slightly, and then put his head on my lap. His warm cheek fell against the bare skin of my leg and I couldn’t hold back my smile.
Biting my lip, I tentatively placed my arm around him. Barely awake, he automatically pressed closer and took my hand.
“What are you doing, Lisa?” I whispered, letting my head thump against the wall. This was so stupid. So wrong.
But I was the queen of mistakes.
I’d made the mistake of believing in my family. I’d made the mistake of trusting my father, and all the lies he’d told about Roy. I’d made the mistake of thinking that Roy was normal. And I’d made the mistake of learning to care about him, when I was the last person in the world that could be good enough. He deserved so much better than me.
But Roy was sleeping on my lap. He was holding my hand.
And that couldn’t be a mistake. It just couldn’t.
Because I trusted Roy completely. He had chosen me, and I would respect his choice. Maybe he or I would regret it later. Maybe someone else would come along, someone better than me—someone more deserving of the special person whose fingers were tangled in mine at the moment. But, until then, I wouldn’t push him away anymore.
I’d let him care about me until he realized how imperfect I was. Once he got away from my father, once he was free, he’d understand why we could never be more than friends.
He’d understand how someone like me could never compare to someone like him. We were both lost, confused and alone. Neither of us could trust the people we thought would always take care of us. But there were differences too. Roy was special. And I was just…
Lisa.
And there was so much more than me out there for Roy to know. I was his way out. I was how he could leave behind the pain of his past and move forward, whether he realized that yet or not. But someone else would show him that some people are good. Someone else would show him love.
Something warm rolled down my face. I reached up and wiped it away, realizing for the first time that I was crying.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love Roy. I had cared about him almost since the moment I saw him. But my love was tainted by a lack of experience. I hadn’t felt love since I was old enough to realize that smiles aren’t hugs, hugs aren’t words, and words don’t mean anything when they aren’t true.
Aunt Pam was the only person who really seemed to care about me. But even she kept her deeper emotions in check. I knew she’d been hurt in the past. I understood that it was hard for her to connect with people. That’s why she’d left the city in the first place. But, in a way, she had betrayed me too. She’d left me with two people who seemed completely incapable of love. My parents.
They used to tell me they loved me. My mom stopped saying it a long time ago. Dad worked so much that we’d barely talked at all since I was little. He was never one to express his emotions anyway. If he even had emotions, they were always hidden very well.
Roy stirred, gripping my hand tighter as he let out a small, satisfied sigh.
I wondered about his parents. I knew that no one had loved him either, and that he was alone. But he had to come from someone. There had to be two people out there who’d loved each other once.
I’d always suspected that my parents got together based on some sort of procreation contract. Their relationship was always more instinctual than passionate. But not everyone could be like that. Maybe Roy’s parents loved each other. Maybe that’s why he was so sweet, and so different.
He never talked about them. In fact, it was almost like they didn’t exist. Then again, I’d never really asked him about them. That’s when I realized that I would have to. Because there was a chance that his parents could be out there somewhere, and if I could help him find them, then maybe they would do what I couldn’t. Maybe they would love him, and deserve his love in return.
_________________________________________________
I was dreaming about music. The song Lisa had played for me was filling the empty spaces of my mind with a soft, vaguely familiar melody that was mixed with the steady thrumming of a heartbeat. It wasn’t my heartbeat though.
It was hers. The first person I ever knew.
I never saw her face. The lights were too bright and nothing felt like it should. There was noise and strange voices and cold hands, but her heartbeat was gone. I never heard it again after that, except in my dreams. I had dreamt of her nearly every night since the day I was born.
I never told James about it. I never told anyone. I figured it was something that I wasn’t supposed to remember, like Marley when she read to me, or the blur of faces I’d once seen, before they put me in that room.
I hadn’t had the dream since I met Lisa. For once, I had slept without dreams, and I had almost forgotten the sadness that overcame me at the sound of the distinct, unmistakable rhythm.
But now I was dreaming again. The steady pounding was stifling my own heartbeat, and soon even the music was overcome by her deep, throbbing pulse. I let it surround me, and took comfort in the sound. I hadn’t realized until then how much I’d missed hearing it.
The sound was special to me. It filled me with an agonizing, familiar longing.
I wanted to go back.
Back to wherever she was.
Whenever she was.
I just wanted to be near her again. To see her face. To hear her voice. To know who she was and why she mattered so much to me.
The heartbeat was speeding up, racing in my head until I could barely breathe. The noise became as painful as a needle in my arm, and as startling as seeing Lisa for the first time.
Lisa.
I knew she was close. I felt her near me. The comforting scent of her shampoo lingered and pulled me closer, away from the thundering sound that vied for my attention. And then I heard her voice, and the thundering stopped.
“You’re okay, Roy. Just wake up.”
My eyelids felt heavy as I lifted them. I was lying on my back. Lisa’s worried face hovered over me, her brown eyes narrowed with concern.
“You had a nightmare,” she told me softly. I felt something squeeze my hand and looked down. Lisa’s fingers were tangled in mine, and both our hands rested on my chest. They moved up and down as I breathed hard, my body recovering from the panic of my dream.
I shook my head very slowly. “It wasn’t a nightmare.” I told her hesitantly. Her eyes searched my face. She seemed confused. “It was…I think it was a memory.”
Fear rose up inside of me. I felt it in my stomach, and then my chest, and then in my throat. It was cold and tangible and it made me wish I hadn’t explained anything, because I had never told anyone about the dream before. I’d never told anyone about the heartbeat, or why I believed that it belonged to her. I’d always been too scared to tell anyone—too afraid of what they might do when they found out that I remembered that day, that I knew who she was.
Because I wasn’t supposed to have a mother. And I wasn’t supposed to remember the sound of her heartbeat.
“Roy, are you okay?” Lisa asked, moving back as I sat up and pulled my hand away from her. I wished that I could stay on her lap, and keep holding her hand. But I wasn’t supposed to, not anymore.
Before, I had always followed the rules I was given out of fear. I was afraid that James would punish me, or Marley would hate me if I disobeyed. But now…
Now I would follow the rules because Lisa wanted me to. And I trusted Lisa. I knew she would never do anything to hurt me. She’d promised me that. So, whatever her rules were, regardless of how difficult they were for me to follow, I’d follow them anyway. For her.
“You don’t have to do that,” Lisa reached out and touched my hand. Warmth spread across my skin where her fingers rested.
I looked up at her, feeling confused again. “But, you said…”
“I know. I changed my mind.” She gave a small sigh.
“I don’t understand.”
She was looking into my eyes. She was breathing softly. She was wondering what to say.
“I trust you.” She stated in a firm voice.
My gaze switched back and forth between our hands and her face. “You do?” I didn’t think anyone had said that to me before. It had never even occurred to me that someone could trust me like I trusted them. I had been forced to trust the people who took care of me, but it had never been mutual. James hadn’t trusted me at all. Maybe Marley had.
When she let me see her face, maybe she was trying to trust me.
But then she left. Because of me.
Because I broke the rules.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. I took my hand from Lisa again and pulled myself up. Backing away, I moved toward the sofa, determined to do what I had to. “Y-you can’t break your own rules,” I told her. “Bad things happen when we break the rules.”
Lisa shook her head as she got up off of the floor. “It’s my stupid rule, Roy. I can break it, or get rid of it, or forget about it. And so can you.”
I shook my head.
“Yes you can,” she insisted.
“No,” I choked. My voice felt raw and tired. “Rules keep us safe.”
“What rules, Roy? The ones that kept you from talking to me?” she demanded. “What about the rule that kept you in your room alone, or the one that kept you from these books?”
I swallowed guilty, dropping my gaze. I hadn’t realized how many rules I had broken. So many. Pretty much all of them. Frustrated, I let out a low groan.
Lisa shook her head. “There is more to life than rules. I haven’t done a very good job of proving that to you yet, but I promise that I’m going to try.”
“Bad things happen…when I don’t follow the rules,” I repeated, lifting my gaze to her face. “I don’t want bad things to happen to you,” I said, my voice deepening to gain strength. “I don’t want you to go away.”
Lisa opened her mouth to say something, and then stopped. “I’m not going anywhere.” She finally told me.
I exhaled sharply at her words.
“You said that you trust me,” she reminded me quickly. “Trust me now.”
Before I could reply, the old man named Doug leaned over the front counter, looking in our direction. “Looks like your friend is here,” he called out.
We glanced toward the front windows in time to see a small silver car pull up to the front of the shop. It was a quiet vehicle, with four doors and bright blue headlights that flashed several times before turning off.
Lisa looked at me nervously. “It’s time to go, Roy.” She said.
Panic tightened my throat and I struggled to breathe, panting as I backed away. “I don’t want to go back,” I told her desperately.
“These people are friends. They’ll help us. You have to trust me.”
“They’ll take you from me,” I told her. “They take all the good things away.”
Lisa shook her head. “You don’t even know them,”
“It doesn’t matter. Bad things always happen,” I whispered.
The bell over the door rang out as someone entered the shop. I jerked, startled by the sound. Shaking my head, I backed away until my body was up against the wall next to the sofa. Lisa stood across the room, just looking at me. She didn’t want me to be afraid. I didn’t want to be afraid either. But I couldn’t help it.
“We can’t stay here, Roy. We need help. We can’t do this on our own.” She told me. It was the same thing she’d said earlier. And then she had called that person for help. “They’ll know what to do,” she said.
Overwhelmed, I slipped down the wall and covered my head with my arms, gripping the hair at the base of my skull and pulling hard, distracting myself from fear with pain.
“Roy, look at me,” Lisa said. Her hands were suddenly on my arms, pulling them away from my face. I did as she asked and looked up. “Don’t be scared.” She shook her head.
“Please don’t let them take you away, Lisa.” I begged, my expression crumbling as I fought back heavy waves of emotion. “Stay with me,” I pleaded, holding myself. “Please stay.”
Lisa nodded, again and again, several tears falling down her cheeks. I hated to see her cry, but as she hugged me close I was grateful for it also. It meant that she wasn’t cold. It meant that she wasn’t unfeeling. It meant that she wasn’t James. She wasn’t all that I had once known. She was different, and she was special.
She was Lisa.
And she meant everything to me.
“They’re back there. You can go on in, if you want.” I heard Doug say.
The person Lisa had called for help was coming. Chris, she’d said his name was. I hoped that Chris wouldn’t stop Lisa from holding me, or talking to me. Most of all, I hoped that wherever he took us, Lisa and I could be together in that place. I hoped that no one would ever separate us. Because I didn’t want to know what it would be like to not have her close anymore.
“Is everything okay, Lisa?” someone asked from the doorway.
My whole body, my bones and the very flesh that covered them froze at the sound of that voice. I recognized it immediately. I got to my feet instantly, pulling Lisa up with me. I looked toward the doorway, trusting my eyes to prove to me that I was right. That it was who I knew it was.
As soon as I stood up, there was a gasp.
“Oh my god.” They breathed in disbelief.
Lisa stepped toward the door, looking confused. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “And where’s Chris?”