Cole had turned up a lot earlier than I expected, probably due to him wanting to make sure I was actually going to go to school. I'm not going to lie, I had thought about not going, but I really didn't want to have some government lady on my back for lack of attendance. Plus, Dad would be pretty disappointed if I got held back a year because of him. Serves him right if I was, though.
Maybe I should be held back, Dad, just to spite you.
I shook the thoughts from my head as Cole looked over at me, one eyebrow raised in question as he drove. I smiled slightly and shook my head again, gesturing it was nothing and looked out the window. Cole was way too excited to be driving me to school and, although I had missed him and Janie, I wasn't really feeling the excitement of school. We drove past the small row of shops and the dirty bar, and my stomach clenched nervously as I remembered Lucas.
It had only been two days since we spoke, but I was missing him - just a little. There was something about him that just intrigued me. Yeah, he was bloody good looking, but he was also just... sad. It's like he put out the same vibe I did, we were both two sad people, melancholy for something we could no longer have. It's like he drew me in and I wanted to let him. I wasn't sure I would even complain if he used me and threw me aside; at least I would have felt something other than emptiness for a little while.
Lucas wasn't standing outside the bar, which should be expected at eight am, but my heart still dropped in sadness. I could imagine Dad's voice, whispering in my ear 'be careful, darling, you're in too deep'. He was right, but he wasn't here to tell me that anymore, so there was no need to listen to him.
That's what you get.
I slightly enjoyed the spark of fear that came with Lucas, the dark look in his eyes that said he could swallow me whole and leave no trace of my ever living. I relished in it, wanted it, needed it. And it scared me, but nowhere near as much as it should have. In fact, I wanted to embrace it and let myself disappear.
"Are you ready?" Cole asked, pulling the handbrake up and turning to face me. I shrugged and sent him a small, nervous smile, glad he couldn't tell what I was really thinking about.
"As ready as I will ever be!" I replied, trying to put on a happy voice.
He rolled his eyes and opened his door, grabbing his bag from next to my feet. I took a deep breath as his door slammed closed before closing my eyes and counting to three. On three, I opened the door and stepped out, swinging the bag over my shoulder as I closed the door lightly.
Eyes automatically focussed on me, as was expected. It was a small town, after all. Everyone knew me, I practically knew everyone, and everyone knew how he had died. I swallowed the saliva building up in my mouth and licked my lips nervously as Cole came to stand beside me. Not many people were outside due to the fresh snowfall and the freezing cold, but there were enough to make me slightly nervous.
"Let's go," he said softly, grabbing my hand and dragging me along.
I wanted to avert my eyes from those who stared but, instead, I stood tall, straightening my back, and stared right back. If I showed any weakness now, I would be ripped to shreds in no time. I never used to be so unapproachable, so mean, I realised, as I glared at a poor girl who met my eyes for a second too long. But if I wasn't mean, I would break, and I refused to be that weak girl who cried at school. Dad raised me tough, so that was what I was going to be.
Cole's hand was warm and smooth, but a bit sweaty, as he dragged me through the doors and away from the mutterings of students in the carpark. Inside wasn't much better, however, and I pulled my hand from his grip, so I could pull the hood up on my jumper and shove my hands deep into the pockets.
Cole hadn't been that impressed with my 'back to school' outfit and he had honestly told me so when he picked me up. I had rolled my eyes and told him to stuff off, but now I wonder if he was right - this was a little too 'depressed girl whose dad committed suicide'.
I wore the same black jeans I had on when I met Lucas and some random black hoodie I had found on the ground. Not sure when it was last washed, but it didn't smell that bad when I sniffed it this morning and there were no stains on it... that I could see, anyway.
"Do you remember what my first class is?" I asked Cole as we stopped in front of my locker.
I had to think for a moment as I tried the combination, only for it to not work. I tried again and pulled it harshly, only for it to stay locked. Cole rolled his eyes and pushed me aside, spinning in the combination and opening it effortlessly. Good thing someone knew the combination.
I briefly wondered if he had been using my locker whilst I was away from school since it was closer to his classes. The messy insides and rotten apple confirmed my suspicions, but I didn't really care either way - it's not like I had been here to use it. I scrunched my nose up at the apple, looking at him in disgust. He smiled sheepishly and grabbed it lightly, using his skills to throw it into the bin a couple of meters away before turning back to me and smiling.
"Maths," he said, pulling my maths book out and stacking it in my hands. "And the second period is English, so may as well grab this now." He placed my English book on top of the maths one and closed the locker.
I looked down at the notebook, reminiscing about the old days, where I would sit in English with Janie and whisper about the school gossip or the latest boy we liked. I clenched my eyes tightly closed, trying not to let any tears slip out, feeling completely overwhelmed by the whole situation.
I said I wasn't a weak girl, Dad, but look what you've done.
Cole placed his hand on my head softly, trying not to draw attention to me as I tried to keep myself taped together. He knew I didn't want to fall apart here. He was a pretty good friend.
"Lilith!" I felt Janie's arms wrapped around me before I heard her voice. She was short, smaller than I was, but she was soft and warm, and everything I needed. I smiled and gave her an awkward one-arm hug back, instantly feeling a lot better.
"Hey, Janie," I laughed as she let go, the tears that were just threatening to fall no longer in sight. "Long time no see," I joked, watching her eyes sparkle as she smiles.
"We've missed you so much! It hasn't been the same without you here!" She squealed, looking at Cole for his agreement.
I wasn't sure when we became a trio instead of a duo. One day, Cole just turned up and then he never left. I wasn't complaining though, as we had been friends for years now and they both gave me access to something I was missing in myself.
"Yeah, she's right, you know," Cole agreed. "It was a lot better." I laughed out loud, feeling a small bubble of happiness sprouting in my heart as they joked around, Janie hitting him and calling him an idiot. The bell rung and Cole looked over his shoulder as someone called him.
"I gotta get to first. I'll see you guys at lunch. Janie, Lilith forgot her locker combo so show her before lunch!" He said as he took steps back towards one of his soccer mates. Janie nodded her head and placed her arm around my shoulder and pulled me along to our classroom, ignoring the curious eyes of those around us.
"By the way, what the hell are you wearing?" She asked, looking me up and down horrified at my all black outfit choice.
"Honestly," I replied, knowing this would drive her crazy. "I just found it on the floor."