'You're not really leaving, right?' Ed asks me, as we're walking home, significantly fuller and cheerier after a roast and a few bottles of wine between us. 'Because you've just learnt how to make decent coffee, and I'd be lost without your baking.'
'I don't have anywhere else to go,' I tell Ed, because the truth is, I wasn't thinking, this morning. There's nothing for me in Brighton except my dad, and I don't want to live with him.
'You don't have to sleep in Matt's room, anymore,' Ed says. 'Charlotte says she'll swap with you.'
Ed and I have dropped back, so that we're walking twenty paces behind the rest of them. I watch the group up ahead. Kitty has her arm around Will, and they're walking like a couple. Charlotte and Sylvie are walking ahead, and Harper's behind them, with his hands in the pocket of his hoodie.
'Can you tell me about Matt?' I ask him.
'What do you want to know?' Ed asks.
'What was he like?' I ask.
'Nothing like me,' Ed admits. 'He partied a lot. He was wild. He worked out a lot, and he went out probably three nights a week, and did a lot of drugs. He wasn't really happy, you know. We moved to London together. I knew he thought that a fresh start in a big city would change everything. He thought he'd be happy.'
'But he wasn't happy,' I say. 'I know what you mean, about thinking that one big move or change will suddenly fix everything. I thought moving to London would suddenly change everything, but I'm still the same Jane.'
'Except now you can make good coffee,' Ed says. 'Don't underestimate that.'
'I'll be sure to add that to my resumé.'
'Uh uh, no resumé. You're not going anywhere.'
I laugh at Ed's tone, then feel a twist in my tummy as I remember again all the events of last night.
'Charlotte was telling me about her ex-boyfriend,' I say slowly.
'Mmm,' Ed says. 'The infamous Luca.'
'And Sylvie's ex, George, too,' I say.
'Well, I won't say anything too bad about George, because I'm still supposed to be mates with him, but he did screw Sylvie around a fair bit,' Ed says.
'Charlotte made the point that the group functions better if people aren't... hooking up,' I say carefully.
'Yeah, well, it'd help if Harper would stop making out with every girl in the house,' Ed says. He looks at me sheepishly. 'I guess I can't really talk, though.'
I feel my cheeks go red.
'I think Charlotte probably has a point,' Ed says firmly. 'Although I also think that our group is always going to be pretty fucked up regardless.'
'Well, yeah,' I say slowly. I look again at the back of the heads of my friends ahead of us. I wonder where this conversation is taking us. Ed doesn't seem eager to steer it in any direction.
'I really shouldn't have gotten as drunk as I was last night,' I say. 'I don't know how it happened.'
'Probably something to do with all the drinks you drank,' Ed teases.
'Yes, that's probably it,' I admit. 'Also, I didn't eat.'
'That's always a mistake,' Ed says. 'Do you remember everything?'
'Do we need anything from Tesco?' Kitty calls back to us, since we're walking past it.
'Do we have milk?' Harper asks.
'Well, we didn't open the café today, so we have a fridge-load of milk downstairs,' Ed says.
'We should keep the place closed on Sundays more often,' Sylvie says. 'We never get to hang out, all of us, during the day.'
'Not sure how you'd expect us to afford that,' Ed says.
'Well,' Charlotte says. 'Some of my friends loved the exhibit I put on. And I've got a few mates looking for a cheap space to do the same kind of thing. I was wondering if we could open the bar up on weeknights sometimes for private events. You know, hire it out as a function space?'
'Oh, and I want to have a launch party, when I create this zine,' Sylvie says.
Ed groans. 'Alright, fine. Let me look into it.'
Sylvie and Charlotte exchange an excited look.
'So do we need anything from Tesco?' Kitty repeats.
No one is quite sure, so we end up going in anyway, and then suddenly we're buying crisps, popcorn, and cider, with the idea of having a movie afternoon. Will suggests a Harry Potter marathon.
When we get back, we pile every cushion and blanket we can into Kitty's living room, and set up Philosopher's Stone.
We start with great intentions of watching more films, but even halfway through the first one we're lost in conversation and not concentrating, because we've all seen it too many times. Somehow Matt comes up in conversation again, and Will mentions the memoir.
'It took me a few hours to read,' he says softly. He shakes the M&M bag, as if searching for a particular colour, and then grabs a handful. The colourful chocolates dance in his hand before he throws them into his mouth. We wait for him to finish chewing. The swallow looks painful, because he's on the verge of tears again.
'Everything he wrote... it was like...' Will stares at a single blue M&M in his hand. 'When he wrote it, he never wanted to die, or anything, I swear. He wrote about how he wanted to go to Australia and see whales migrating. He always loved whales. Sometimes he'd play these ocean sounds to get to sleep at night, and I'd hear it through his wall. The whale sounds always used to make me laugh, because I'd always just think of that scene in Finding Nemo. But he loved it.'
Will wipes his hands on his jeans and then pulls his grey cardigan tighter, hugging himself. 'I think he must have finished writing it about a year ago. And he was fine then. He wasn't... sad.'
'But he wasn't ever really sad,' Ed says gently. 'He was manic depressive.'
Will takes a deep breath. 'Do you ever think something could have triggered it?'
'His brain chemistry,' Kitty says firmly, and under the blanket, she takes my hand. 'Some people get sick in their heart, or their lungs, or their stomach. And some people get sick in their brain. It's just another organ. It's not anything we did.'
'He was my best friend,' Will says. 'He just got it, straight away. No one else got it. Got me. But I don't think I really got him, you know? I think there's things that he knew I'd never understand, about his life. I think that's why he was writing it all. To try to help people understand.'
Will snatches his cider bottle off the group and takes a big swig. 'Do you remember the last night at the ski chalet, when we all got really drunk?'
The others nod.
Will takes a breath. 'Matt and I were the last ones awake, and he was trying to tell me something important, but we were both really drunk, and I don't know what he was trying to say. And then...' Will glances at Ed. 'And then, I don't know, we were drunk and we were just lying there on the sofa in this chalet, and it was snowing outside, and we just started making out, because I guess that's just what everyone in this group does.'
There's silence. No one else knows this story.
'I loved Matt so much,' Will says. 'He was my best friend, and I accepted him for who he was, and I loved him to death. But then we went to his bedroom and we almost...' Will chokes. 'And then... I don't know. I stopped. I went back to my room. I don't know why. I just couldn't get over the fact that I felt... weird. That it felt wrong.'
Will takes a deep breath.
'I hate myself. I was supposed to be his best friend, but some part of me still thought it was wrong. And he knew that.'
Sylvie, who is sitting beside Will, pulls him towards her and rests his head on her chest, like a mother. I can no longer see his face, only the shaking of his shoulders.
• Author's Note •
Who else just wants to give Will a big hug?
Thanks for reading! Don't forget to vote!
elle xx