Thirteen
I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. The red words said 04:32 AM. I had always known that tonight, I would get up before the sunrise. I wanted to be woken up by a dream, or Don's soft calling and kissing, or the fire alarm. None of these happened.
I felt like shit. Shut up, everything.
The thing was roaring inside my chest. Stop. It didn't. It was a giant snake crawling in my veins, and it was a five legged jelly fish, paralysing me. I felt it getting fiercer and bigger. Stop bursting out of the box, I commanded it. It had happened before, I remembered the first night being awake in the hospital.
It was colder than any winter. The chill of the air conditioner in that room buckled me, no matter how I tried to pull up the blanket, it was still freezing like the water of the Atlantic Ocean.
I had been alone in the big room, there had been five empty beds near me. Something with hair and spear was going to creep in! They would pop up any second! Shadows danced on the wall with the moonlight. Trees moved.
I had cried but no one could hear me - just like right now. That night I heard people talking in the warm corridor, the curtain was closed. I could see their happy silhouettes.
I didn't want to be in a bed right now! Somebody help me! I rubbed my arms in the blanket now. Stop thinking, I told myself. I was a colonel who lost the power she had never had.
I could have done something else, but I had left Tommy. I had thought I needed to escape. I could have stayed. I could have make a change. He wouldn't have to die. Why didn't we figure things out in the first fucking place? Why did I ever think that he would want to set the fire intentionally? I got chickened...but honestly, he had no idea what he was doing that night!
I had to lock these up, I tried to locate a room in my mind. My head was shrinking! The walls were breaking like the Bastille - the Bastille - let me try to remember the date of it. It was 14, July 1789 -, okay let me think about why the Bastille was broken...I couldn't do it. The beast was hammering my chest - let me breathe!
I am so sorry Tommy.
I cried. I couldn't stop, I wanted to. I didn't close my eyes, because the thing was chasing me. I was lost in a maze -it flashed its teeth and I imagined its dreadful claws that would slash my flash. I am sorry Tommy.
Please let be, I wasn't fighting.
I gasped for air in the dark. Whatever was filling my lungs, I begged them to stop. I cried because I killed Tommy. What a cruel murderer. The prison in the brain exploded, the beast took over with its fangs. How sad the world was. What was the beast's name? Please, do not bring me back to the house.
I panted as the thousands needles puncturing my heart, tearing me away from the motel room. Now I saw it - it was I who had the fangs.
A wave of ardent pressure came suppressing me from all directions. My back was hot and I saw the dress bright with flame.
My back was burning! I patted the fire, it didn't go away. I tried to take off my dress, my hands were shaking. I was helpless and I let it burn.
"Tommy!" I fucking yelled, "Max!"
Some was hovering. I heard the woods cracking. The farmhouse was collapsing...there was no air. Death. Death. End. My sight was fucking heavy due to the alcohol, I screamed. I tripped. Fire crawled closer. Stop taunting me. Its flaming tongue was long like red eels. They were going to swallow me in. I was melting.
It didn't go away. It repeated in my head again and again. I screamed, I kicked. I couldn't get out. When the third time my back was on fire, there were arms. It wasn't hot, I longed the weighted unknown.
And there - I remembered I was on a bed, in a motel. The unknown weight was heavier on the edge of the bed. He pulled the blanket. He was lying next to me. His arms, not flame, were wrapped around me, cooling things down like icy, good water.
I screamed at his chest, taking in the scent of newness of his shirt.
"Shh-sh," his voice was a lullaby, he rocked me in his arms. "Stop kicking me. No, I won't do that, okay? I'm not leaving, it's the middle of the night - where can I do anyway? You're fine. I said stop kicking me."
I was tired pretty soon, I was grateful.
"I killed him," I uttered.
"You didn't," he said. "Gosh you're soaked."
"NO!" I started yelling again, "you know what happened. You fucking don't."
He pulled me away from his chest and sat up. He pulled my arms, it hurt. He made me stand on the floor. I wouldn't go, I sat on the fluffy carpet. He was shouting something. Always shouting. Like a giant now. He was gone then.
I thought about the hospital again. Tommy said he'd try to save me, but he was the one setting fire. He let things go loose. Mum didn't defend for us and dad chucked us out. Only Max there. Tommy was dead now. Dead. Dead. End.
He came back, with something in his hand. And there was cold water all over my face. I stared, and stared. It was Don.
"Can you hear me now?" Don said. I couldn't see his features in the dark.
"I can't," I replied.
Don sat on the floor next to me, it was a big blue bucket in his hand.
"Where did you get this? " I asked.
"Found it in the cupboard," Don said. "You're not going anywhere. Tell me what happened. I am sick of all those guessing. No more games or stories."
"I have been a great gamer, haven't I?" I rubbed my eyes. "Tommy was the fabulous gamer of all gamer."
"What would it take for you to tell me? You name it, I'll do it. I'm serious, I'll never figure you out on my own. Tell me now before I go mad."
I moved to sit on his laps. He didn't hold me, so I snuggled against his chest. I was tiny.
"Okay," Don said.
"We were drinking. We always liked to go to the farmhouse because it's empty and there'll be some old crops where we could lie on. I liked that. Max said he wanted to pee," I thought about stars that would be shining out there right now.
"Naturally," Don said. I liked how his hand on my face.
"Tommy went out to smoke and he wanted to see the sky. He likes the sky and the stars and those things. There were beetles in the farmhouse, I was looking at them. I tried to put one of them into a bottle but I couldn't really catch them," I said.
"Because you were drunk too," Don said. I liked Don's new tee very much.
"Everything burnt and burnt. You'd wonder if you were in the same place you've been with the fire surrounding you. Lots of fire, like a room with millions bees that sting. It didn't smell good. Fire and fire and burn. There were crackings on the ceiling, and you would they would fall. Fall right on you. On your head and your brain would break -"
"I don't need to know that," Don said.
"My back caught on fire. It burnt my skin. One moment it didn't hurt and then - bang! Max came in, he took me out. I remember seeing Tommy with the lighter and a fag. Tell me, it was him, isn't it?" I asked desperately.
"It's alright now," Don said.
"I fucked things up. Tommy and Harry," I said.
"You didn't," Don said.
"I fucked people up," I told him.
"I promise you that it'll be alright," Don said.
"I'm fucked up," I said. Don didn't reply.
When you have no one to turn to and this one person who has hurt you countless times pops out and gives you all sort of promises, you know you'd just have to believe him.
I sat there, he folded me into his arms. I wished he didn't. I sobbed, that was what normal people would do. Don whispered something, I nodded and agreed.
So the heat drifted away, bit by bit. The glowing was discolouring. The roaring fire was being put out, replaced by the tiny lights on the ceiling from the curtain gap and the wetness of my clothes. When the pounding in my chest slowed down, the thing in my head was exiled. What a terrific miracle. The fangs and claws faded with the holiness and grace of Don.
I won with the power of an imposter.
"Go to sleep," Don mumbled, "I'm staying."
"What if you leave again?" I asked and I didn't sound fragile.
"I won't, you don't trust me, right?"
"You put me through hell."
"I wish I could say something that will make you trust me," Don said. "I don't deserve your trust, but be brave this time - take a chance with me."
"A liar will always be a liar, they will only get more advance at it."
"Right."
"I know that because I am a great one," I said. "And I am nothing when I look at you. I am not always nothing."
"You being like this makes me nothing too," Don said, "so we're equal. People who are equal trusts each other."
Don't feel anything, I told myself. I was feeling though. I closed my eyes to sleep. I hoped it'd be a good dream so I could get away.
The morning light travelled into the room from the gap of the curtain. I woke, my eyes traced at the pale light on the brown carpet. Don was sleeping. I liked the way his arms coiling my waist, and I liked how he kept me warm. I ran my fingers over his stubble. Don was really here. He must have put me on the bed then.
Don dropped his head on my neck, I watched him breathe. I saw Tommy sitting on the dressing table, he was smiling. I was not scared nor surprised to see him. Tommy was looking great, he was beaming. I felt like we talked, and I beamed at him. I didn't reach out to touch him. We talked about how he liked pizza back then. He liked extra cheese.
Don sneezed and he opened his eyes. I wished Tommy didn't have to go.
"G'moning," Don said in a husky voice.
"Hi," I smiled at him.
"Thought you were talking to someone," Don said.
"I was singing," I lied.
"Look at your plait!'
The plait was tangled and messy. We sat on the bed and laughed for a long time before getting up. I brought Don to the farmhouse since the train tickets were for the afternoon. No houses were nearby. Tommy had called the police once I got out from the fire. No one charged him since it was believed to be an accident, and Sam's dad didn't want the house. Accident - was it? Well it didn't matter now, did it?
"How was the story about the fire settled?" Don asked as we walked up the slope.
"Tommy tried to light his fag and the house caught on fire because of the wind," I said, it felt like a truth, "both of them got me out on time. Max could have told somebody, he wouldn't though. Never. Everyone thought Tommy helped to carry me out from the fire."
I looked at the newly painted house. The wooden wall was painted with faces and pretty flowers. I recognised Tommy's drawing of butterflies.
"Minnie, come and see this," came Don's voice from the back of the house.
I found him and the wall painting. A girl was wearing a dress, and a boy with a frying pan. Another boy with curls stood between them, holding their hands. How cheesy and lovely it was. I drew a boy and a snail with a marker from my bag.
"Someone ought to teach you how to draw snails," Don sighed, he shook his head like an old man.
"I'm an expert on drawing snails," Don said smugly, "I used to sit in the park and just watch them. My friend taught me to draw it."
He crouched down next to me and grabbed my hand to teach me to draw. I could not let him draw on the wall by himself. Later I peeked into the opened window and found Sam sitting with his headphone on. There were many painting brushes on the floor, as well as other art tool.
On the ride home, I dropped my head on Don's shoulder. Don played something from his phone, I listened. I didn't fight it when Don put his hand on mine. I held his hand.
Max was pleased to see me home. He told me that he had a wonderful time at the service. I showed him Tommy's words. Max didn't speak much, but he went into his room right after dinner. By midnight, I finished my homework. I took my pen, which could give out light at its tail with a click.
I went into Max's room. He shut his eyes instantly as I went in. I cuddled on his bed.
"I'm tired," Max mumbled.
"Me too," I said. I pulled the blanket over our heads. I saw Max's scowling face as I turned on the light of the pen. I made him hold it.
"What're you doing here?"
"It's our fort, isn't it?"
"I don't want to talk about - "
"Me too," I said, "I forgave him. And good night Max."
The first thing I knew the next day was that I couldn't possibly be late for school since Max woke me up two hours earlier than usual, and made me watch 21 Jump Street with him.
On Tuesday, I received Miss Johnson's note. There was no way that I could escape since she told me that she would be waiting for me outside my classroom after school. I found Kelly during lunch time. I tapped her shoulder.
"Hello Kelly," I said.
She looked away. I hoped she wasn't planning her escape path.
"Hate the carrots too, don't you?" I said as I sat down next to her. I ate the carrots in her plate nevertheless.
"I have warned you," Kelly said, shoving her hair out of her eyes, she looked around as though anybody would notice. "Minnie, I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me."
"You could tell me, you know," I said.
"Look, all I know is that someone is trying to get you into trouble, I don't know who or why. I told them not to lay hands on you, I really did. They won't let me listen to them when they talk now, so thank you very much," Kelly said.
"You have to find out more about it," I said.
"I don't know, I've heard Shane calling your name for a couple of times. I asked but no one answered me."
"Those are not really good friends."
"Shut up," Kelly said, "Shane let them hit my face, sometimes."
"What?"
Kelly turned to the other side so I couldn't see her.
"It's just happened, never mind me," Kelly said.
"Do you want to study with me during the study period later?" I asked politely.
"Sure, then you can get all the things you need out of me," Kelly snorted at me. We sat together during study period anyway, and I took her geography textbook and put it in Bully Maria's drawer.
Miss Johnson was standing right outside the History classroom. She was wearing a red dress, and grinned at me warmly. People said she was nice to everybody.
"Hi," I beamed at her.
"Hi Minnie, how was the classes today?"
"Went perfectly well," I said. She led me to her office. It was extremely tidy with files and books all sorted on the shelves. Miss Johnson sat down across me. She poured me some tea and offered me biscuits.
"I'm glad you like it," Miss Johnson said.
"Thank you," I said, I liked the strawberry flavour of it.
"Do you feel comfortable talking about your shoplifting?"
"Why would I feel uncomfortable talking about something that I've never done?" I smiled broadly at her. "I don't have to be a thief to get what I want."
"Can you tell me what do you think happened? What you think about it is very important," Miss Johnson looked over some papers, "take your time. I see you live with your brother. I hope nobody broke any ankles today."
I wouldn't mind that. I smiled shyly at her. I told her about Kelly's warning and what happened in the shop. I told her what Kelly had told me just now. Miss Johnson nodded seriously.
"Sounds like it was totally not your fault," Miss Johnson said, "How do you feel about it?"
"Wonderful because I have got a caution because of it," I said. I imagined Tommy sitting on the chair next to me now, and there, Tommy was sitting next to me.
"Have you encountered anyone lately? I need to know everything to help you," Miss Johnson said sincerely. "It's sounding like a mysterious detective story to me. Why does anyone have to do that to you?"
I shrugged, "everything in my life is mysterious. And you can't help that. You can't help me with the caution, nor you can find who did this to me. Why am I even sitting here?" I saw Tommy who was sitting next to me smiled crookedly.
"What - wait, I am staying here to help you," Miss Johnson said. "Close your eyes."
"No."
"I can't help you with you being so intense," Miss Johnson said, "what are you looking at? There's only a cupboard here."
"You've got a lovely cupboard," I said.
"Trust me so I can help you," Miss Johnson said.
"I don't trust."
"Why not?"
"People lie and people are good at it, and I'm not," I said. She put her hand over mine, I wanted to pull away but her grip was firm.
"I am a stranger to you, why would a stranger to try hurt or anything? Picture someone beautiful and someone you want to trust. Tell her, or him. "
"Kelly's friends are strangers to me too."
Miss Johnson didn't speak for a while.
"We're like in this box," she looked at the box of biscuits, "if you don't trust me, I can't get you out of here and - concentrate, Minnie, stop looking at the cupboard - I won't be able to find out who is behind it. If I can't find out, to me, you did steal those things back in the shop. I am a professional. I have everything under control."
"Do you? Everything." I asked. "Do you know how much is everything?"
"Everything is present, here, now," Miss Johnson said.
"What kind of answer is that?"
"Close your eyes," Miss Johnson said. I did so this could be over soon.
"You're in a beautiful place, picture it now. You're with people you love. Picture them," her voice was compelling.
I shut my eyes. It was only dark and more dark. I couldn't see anyone. I covered my eyes with one hand.
"My mum."
"You're lying," Miss Johnson said.
"No one," I said.
"Please don't make it difficult," her voice said.
It was all green and the place got brighter. Things got navy, what a night.
"It is a lawn. It's ten o'clock. There is a plane. It's chilly. He's sleeping and I like his jacket," I described what I saw.
"Who is he?"
"I don't want to tell to you."
"Maybe you can tell him what do you think is behind it?" The counsellor said.
"I don't want to," I said louder this time. I saw his teasing smiling. It was too overwhelming, and he held my hand. He asked me to be brave and courageous.
"How do you feel?" Miss Johnson said from the sky.
"Brilliant," I said.
"Let's not talk about the shoplifting," she said, "tell me about things that are troubling you."
"Nothing troubles me."
"Really?"
"I love someone. It's one of those troubles," I said.
"Who is it?"
I chuckled, and Tommy did too. "I love many people."
"Give me some names?"
"Tommy. Max. Harry. Anne. Jennifer. Bonn. Bully Maria," I said. Tommy stroked my face somehow, "and Don too."
"Is it the person you met in Wales and Heaven?"
"He is hiding something," I told Tommy, "He chased those away."
"What away?"
"You know, the hot things," I replied, "and he broke many promises. I still feel bad for Harry and I don't people hiding things."
"Harry is your boyfriend?"
"Harry likes flowers, strange, and he's too serious sometimes," I laughed, "and I kissed Don. It was amazing. I love them both, and I hate them both too. It's complicated, people are like that."
"Who do you think would hurt you?"
"Everybody," I replied.
"Think carefully you've met -"
"I don't want to think, I don't want to talk about it," Tommy's face fell. But he smiled lightly again.
"It's fine, I want you -"
"I don't want to do anything else."
He squeezed my hand, "I want you say goodbye to me."
"Why?"
"You'll see me again," his voice was girly, "Minnie picture yourself someone else. In an office."
"I always see you," I said to Tommy.
"I tap you, open your eyes and have a biscuit."
I did, and bright lights struck me. I covered my eyes for a moment. Tommy was gone from the office.
"How are you feeling?" Miss Johnson's face wasn't real. It felt like I could run a hand through her body.
"You did very well," Miss Johnson said. "But you don't trust me yet, do you?"
"Should I?"
"See me tomorrow after school," Miss Johnson said.
"Do I have to come every day?"
"Well, you sound like you don't want to," Miss Johnson replied.
"Don't you have appointment with other troubled? Like Kelly?"
"I'll see you twice a week," Miss Johnson said. She let me go after writing some notes.
Max called me on the way home. He reminded me to go home and dress up quickly. We were going out to celebrate Anne's birthday tonight. Tommy was pleased too. He wasn't quiet dead yet - it pleased to have him whenever I needed him. Maybe that was how the stars behaved - always visiting people.
I was tired of explaining and debating whether this little big boy next to me was real or not. What did it mean to be real anyway? Feelings. Emotions. People. History. All were illusions and lies, one covered another and made the epic moment. It was like feeling back to the start when everything was simple and funny.
On the bench outside the entrance gate was Zara. It was lovely to see her though she looked at me for a while before waving at me and calling my name. I smiled at her.
"How are you?" I asked.
"You should ask how is Harry," Zara said.
"I'm sure he's fine. He called me last night actually," I said.
"Oh, did he?" Zara looked startled.
"He's my best friend," I said. It sounded very convincing.
"You tore him apart when you dumped him," Zara said. "I don't think you are treating him right."
"I'm honouring him as my friend," I said. "If this is what you want to hear, I'm sorry for breaking up with him."
"Did you have sex with Don that night you stayed in Redford? He ran after you even though you hit him," She flinched.
"No! Of course not!" I said immediately. I was shocked by her disgusted facial expression, "I was upset that night, and I didn't have enough money for one room in the motel so we shared."
Zara narrowed her eyes, "you should know that both Harry and Don are good kids. And they have nice heart and are selfless."
"I am aware of that."
"Don fancies you, my son loves you," I hated to hear helplessness in Zara's voice. It wasn't a statement that I was proud of, it was a statement that caused by too many mistakes and misunderstanding.
"I would leave both of them alone," I lied.
"You're not going to in the end, I have been a girl once too. I know how it feels to make a choice and bear the consequences of the decision," Zara said heartedly, "you said you'd leave but you'll come back lingering between them. You won't even realise it."
"I will realise that," I said, "and I'll keep that in mind. I'm not ready for a relationship or anything."
"When you love someone, you just do. There isn't a line defining being ready or not."
"Wise words," I said, "you want me to go out with Harry."
"You choose and you leave the other alone," Zara said darkly. She reminded me of some witch from the ancient cave. "I'm not allowed to intervene your decision -"
"Don't then."
"You're making them hate each other, young lady! Don has to put up Harry being grumpy and Harry never wants to talk to Don again! All thanks to you! You don't understand it, do you?"
I blinked at her petulance, "Okay."
Zara glared at me one more time before leaving the bench. I thought about it and went home. I couldn't get dress and something was in my head like a cloud. I checked my phone and found the number Don added when we were in the train.
"Hello?" I called for the first time.
"Hello beautiful," Don said.
"Do you want to go out with me?" I asked.
"Yeah, sure, "came Don's voice. I was giggling! I was blushing and in the corner of my eye, I saw Tommy grinning too. I brushed away little tears from my face.
"Any time will be convenient to you?"
"Next Saturday?" He said.
I wiped the snivel with a tissue paper, "that's g-great. Where do you want to go?"
Stop trembling, I ordered myself.
"Do you want to watch a film and walk around a bit?"
"That sounds amazing," I paused, "Thank you."
"I'll come around to pick up you at ten thirty or something?"
"Yes," I said. I cried, Tommy didn't comfort. But it was alright.
Hi Folks,
You probably have noticed that Minnie is going mental by now. And please comment :)
Love
Emily