New Year's Eve was lackluster in comparison to Christmas. Her parents had already headed out with a group of their college friends by the time the clock hit seven. They felt like they were doing their children a favor by leaving them to their own devices, and from Natalie's point-of-view, they were. But Nevada had no plans to meet up with anyone, which meant that she would be alone in the house with her two cats to keep her company.
To be fair, most New Year's Eve celebrations centered around heavy partying, and that sounded the opposite of appealing. Instead, she had major plans to add to her scrapbook; with the television providing background noise, she'd bring in the New Year in her calm manner.
It hadn't been until Sam had texted her to inquire about her own plans that her good mood faltered. He intended on spending it in Bellmore at a house party that he and Carter had been invited to. She didn't have the stomach to admit that her evening was looking uneventful, so she'd pretended that she was tagging along with Natalie before making an excuse to leave the conversation.
All of a sudden, she wished she were anywhere other than Highpoint.
A handful of photographs were scattered on the floor in front of her, a generous depiction of the eventful trip she'd experienced, and her scrapbook lay open to the next blank page. She neared the end, but there were still a few pages to fill before she celebrate finishing another scrapbook, and she intended on dedicating it to the trip.
Nevada was in the middle of sticking double-sided tape on the back of a picture of her and Carter standing in the snow on the second-to-last day when Natalie stumbled down the stairs. It was clear that she was heading out to the club if her outfit was any indication, but she faltered upon noticing Nevada sitting cross-legged on the floor.
"I thought you headed out with Mom and Dad," she said.
"Nope." Nevada flattened the picture onto a fresh page, smoothening the edges until the bubbles disappeared. "I'm sticking around here."
"That sounds awful," Natalie said, striding over to her, her heels clicking against the hardwood. "Why didn't Mom and Dad invite you out with them?"
"They did," she replied. She couldn't bring herself to meet her sister's gaze, though she felt it against the side of her head as relentless as a hot iron. "I told them I didn't want to and that you'd invited me out with you instead."
"Oh." Her eyebrows furrowed. "Are you coming with me then?"
"No. That was just an excuse." Her lower lip caught between her teeth as she applied tape to another picture: one of her, Cassidy, and Alicia lounging over the couch in their cabin. "I know you're trying to be a good older sister, but I'd rather be by myself tonight."
"Are you moping?"
"No. What makes you say that?"
"Because you are. Look at me, Nevada."
The command was impossible to ignore, and she paused in her task long enough to lift her head. Natalie's stare was overwhelming, assessing every emotion that flickered through her irises for any indication of what she was thinking. Finally, she asked, "Is it because of that Samuel guy?"
Nevada had finally seized the opportunity to tell Natalie most of what had occurred during the trip. Of course, Natalie had been ecstatic that Nevada had made the effort to make friends, and while the praise was welcome, something kept her from revealing everything about her relationship with Sam: she didn't know about her true feelings towards him or the multiple kisses that had happened.
She couldn't formulate a response. She just leveled her older sister with a look, a tremendous feat where Natalie towered over her in her position.
"I think you are," Natalie said. She broke her gaze long enough to glance at the pictures littering the floor. "Why aren't you spending New Year's with him, then? Did he not invite you?"
"I mean, not explicitly. Besides, he's at a party in Bellmore. I couldn't just show up." It would be a lie to say the thought hadn't crossed her mind, but she couldn't work up the courage. "It's, like, a forty minute drive."
"That's nothing." Knowing this conversation wasn't ending anytime soon, Natalie plopped down on the couch, pulling her feet out of her heels long enough to flex her toes. "You could be there in no time. Why don't you text him and ask? You two text all the time already."
"It's—" Natalie made it all seem so easy, but she didn't know the full story. If she showed up on his doorstep, it breached the standstill in their relationship. They still lacked a label, and if she showed up tonight, all the questions about where they stood would bubble over. People kissed when the ball dropped. Would she be the one he kissed—or would he find someone else to start the New Year with? "It's complicated, Natalie."
Nevada abandoned her scrapbook for the time being, knowing full well that this was a conversation they needed to have face-to-face, and the spot on the couch beside her older sister beckoned. Settling down, she steadied herself with a long sigh before turning to face her.
"I didn't tell you the whole story," she began. When Natalie opened her mouth, she held up a hand. "Let me explain please. I didn't explain everything because I still don't understand it all. I don't know what Sam and me ... are? Does that make sense?"
Her eyebrows furrowed. "Friends?" When Nevada shook her head, her eyes widened. "More than friends?" She straightened in her seat, her full attention captured. "Nevada, you should've told me! What happened?"
"If you'd let me talk, I can explain it all."
She clamped her mouth shut.
"We'd been there for a while already, and during the night of the first party I went to—after he found me having a panic attack—we wound up beneath the mistletoe, and everyone urged us to give each other a quick kiss. That was fine, I guess."
"Wait—" Natalie cocked her head to the side. "You had your first kiss ... under the mistletoe?"
Nevada scowled. Though she knew her sister had a flair for the dramatics, she needed her more rational side at the moment. But still, she couldn't complain. It had been her decision to withhold information. If she had explained everything from the beginning, her situation might've been easier to solve.
"Yes. Anyway, afterwards he apologized because he felt guilty since he hadn't asked whether I felt comfortable with it. But I think that was the point where everything changed. I felt comfortable with him. That never happens for me, but he did it, and over the course of the trip, I think my ... crush on him grew stronger. We wound up kissing one afternoon, but the trip ended pretty soon after that, so we didn't actually label what we are."
"Oh my God," Natalie said, her lips parted in a silent O. "Jesus, Nevada. You should've told me all this earlier!"
"I didn't know what it meant!" She crossed her arms. "I still don't."
"Judging by the hours you two have spent texting each other since you've been back, I think it means you are both in deep for each other." Natalie stumbled to her feet in an abrupt movement that made her reel back. "What are you still doing here? You need to go to Bellmore tonight."
"What? Why?"
"Nevada." Her voice became grave. She leveled her with a serious look. "C'mon. You like him, right?" She waited to see her nod. "You want to be with him? Like, as his girlfriend?" Though this nod came slower, it was there all the same. "Then you need to tell him that—face-to-face. Not over text. Not over a call. You can't wait for the second semester to start. What if he meets someone tonight, and they kiss when the clock strikes midnight?"
It was her biggest fear at the moment manifested into reality, and her gut twisted. It wasn't out of the realm of possibilities, but she kept convincing herself that their relationship was out of her hands until the break ended. Natalie made it sound like it would break before then.
Her voice softened upon noticing the fear that flickered over Nevada's face. "I'm not trying to scare you." She reached over to place her hand on Nevada's shoulder. "I'm just trying to help you. You like him, Nevada. I suspected, but I didn't think anything had happened between you two yet." She hesitated. "You should be with someone who makes you better. In the week you spent in his company, he inspired you to push yourself and care about yourself more than you have in a long time. That kind of relationship doesn't happen everyday."
It was the truth. While Nevada had been the one to push herself, he had given her the encouragement she'd needed. He'd said the words she'd needed to hear. He'd listened when the world had forgotten she was speaking.
"I don't want to seem dependent on him," she said, voicing the fear that hid itself deep inside. "I don't want to need him to save me."
"He didn't," Natalie said, crossing her arms. "You decided to go on that trip. You were the one that made the effort to speak to Sam and the others when you could've ignored them. You were the one who ultimately decided to go to the party. He didn't stop your panic attack. He wasn't by your side every second of the day." She uncrossed her arms, her shoulders slumping. "Nevada, you did all that. When are you going to realize how powerful you are?"
A lump had formed in her throat in the middle of her sister's speech. It was a rare, powerful deliverance from Natalie, recognizing every moment in which she demonstrated strength, but when these actions seemed so easy to everyone else, it was difficult to praise herself. But Natalie was right: she had done all of those things.
And if she drove to Bellmore tonight, that would be her choice and her doing. She couldn't expect herself to isolate herself forever because she didn't want to be a burden—or that she didn't trust herself enough to recognize her own accomplishments.
She was still her own person. Sam was not an extension of her. From what she had gathered about relationships from observation, the two people involved were meant to work well on their own, but together, they were meant to be spectacular. She wanted to see what they would become.
"It's not easy," Nevada admitted, the simple sentence voicing all of her insecurities. "I know that I did all those things, but doing that would be so simple for anyone else. That's why I can't bring myself to be happy when I push myself."
"You're not everyone else," Natalie said, reaching over to squeeze her shoulder, the gesture providing the validation of her feelings that she needed then. "You're Nevada: smart, kind, quiet, and so, so strong. I've always believed in you."
A ghost of a smile flickered over her lips, but it was there all the same. "I believe in myself more now too." Her head snapped up, and Natalie dropped her arm. "The only problem is that I don't have a car to get to Bellmore."
"I'll drive you." Natalie didn't give her the chance to protest before she dashed out of the living room into the entryway, snatching the car keys from its hook on the wall. "You need to dress fast."
Nevada could only watch in faint shock, her lips parted. Natalie had plans. It didn't make sense for her to make the forty-minute drive when she could be out with her friends instead. "You have plans."
"Fuck my plans," Natalie said. She strode over to usher Nevada up to her room, and Nevada felt like a zombie, following instructions without any command over her own actions. Every coherent thought had slipped from her mind, and all she could do was move in the direction of her sister's shoves. "I can go out with my friends any other night. Besides, if all goes well, I can still make it back in time before the ball drops."
"What about me?"
"If all goes well, you won't be coming back with me. Now dress. Do your winged eyeliner as perfectly as you usually do it, and hurry the hell up."
The tight confines of the car did little to lessen the nerves that threatened to bubble over. With Natalie behind the wheel, there was nothing for her hands to do other than fidget with the hem of her sweater. Somehow, she had worked up the courage to pair it with a black jean skirt, though that decision weighed over her as her skin prickled with the chill. Even while her hands trembled, she had managed to apply her makeup with the usual precision, and after a glance in the mirror, she had decided that she was pleased with her appearance. More than pleased, in fact.
Half of her hair was gathered into a messy bun while the rest hung loose, and she could feel her locks stick to the nape of her neck, burning with the heat that filled her cheeks. Her glasses kept sliding down her nose due to the sweat, but she'd never felt comfortable using contact lenses, and unless she wanted to spend the evening with a blurry vision, they were there to stay.
Natalie could sense the anxiety flooding off her in waves. Every so often, she'd glance over long enough to see the telltale signs. While she didn't catch them as easily as Sam did, she knew her well enough to know that the situation was well out of her comfort zone, and it took an enormous amount of energy to get in the car in the first place.
With each minute that passed, the car neared Bellmore. Thankfully, Sam had his location set on Snapchat, so she didn't need to message him to ask. Natalie was insistent that they kept it a surprise, and while the thought of him rejecting her when she arrived was frightening, she didn't want to bail at the last second and disappoint him if he knew.
There was a painful twist in her stomach when the GPS announced that they were five minutes away from their destination. This was it: she couldn't turn back. That would mean that she had ruined both of their evenings, and there was a possibility of her losing Sam along the way as well. Natalie's earlier words were on repeat in her mind, reminding her that there was no backing down, but they only filled her with more anxiety.
It got to the point where she had to pull out her phone in an attempt to calm herself down. She had downloaded several applications in the past to help her regulate her own breathing and find her way out of a panic attack, and she selected her favorite now. A diagram of an octagon appeared on the screen, and she focused on the image compressing and expanding, timing her breaths to each shift.
Her mind became so focused that the threat of a headache was pushed back, and the only thing that managed to break her out of her reverie was the brush of Natalie's arm against hers.
Nevada turned off her phone to glance over.
"We're almost there," Natalie said, her gaze stuck on the road ahead. "It's on this street, I think."
The car turned down a residential road, and the row of houses passed by in a blur through the window. Most of them looked empty, the curtains drawn shut as their residents headed out for the evening. Nevada was willing to bet that most wouldn't return until the early hours of the morning, drowsy from the aftermath of the celebrations.
It wasn't difficult to figure out which house held the party. Several cars began to clog the sides of the street leading up to the address, and though the music wasn't blaring, the soft bass could be heard from where they sat in the safety of the car. The lights flickered every couple seconds, and staring out at the house, knowing that Sam was inside, she felt a tight cord wrap itself around her stomach.
There was an endless list of things she hadn't considered: she could be denied at the door, he could think she was intruding on his night, she had to go in alone, and there was a high chance that she wouldn't be able to find him at all.
"I can't do it," she whispered, the soft admission feeling like a defeat in itself.
"Yes, you can." Natalie reached over to undo her seatbelt, the metal clicking back into place. "We made it all this way."
"I can't." She couldn't bring herself to meet her sister's eye. She didn't want to see the disappointment in them. Another failure to add to the never-ending list. "I can't."
"I'll be here, Nevada," Natalie said. Nevada knew she was trying to give her the push she needed, but the courage she had gathered earlier failed her now. "If you need to, you can come outside, and I can take you home." She leaned in closer. "But we made it all the way here. That's huge. He's just inside. All you have to do is find him, and the rest will be easy."
"What if he doesn't want me here?"
"Then you should forget about him. You don't have time to waste on people that make you feel worse about yourself." Natalie rubbed her arm in silent assurance. "It's going to be difficult. But I have faith in you. You did it once, and you can do it again."
Nevada found it in herself to meet her sister's gaze. There was nothing but encouragement in her look: she did believe in her. She had told Amanda on Christmas that she'd started believing in herself more. Was that true after all? Or did her actions mean more than her words?
You did it once before, she told herself amidst the worries that plagued her internal monologue. You can do it again. You said that you believe in yourself more. Prove it. Believe in yourself.
Turning towards the car door, she asked, "You'll stay out here in case something happens, right?"
"Of course." Her voice had raised an octave, her evident excitement slipping through. "I'll be here. I'm a text away."
"Do you think there will be someone at the door?"
"If there is, just say you're there for Sam." Natalie leveled her with a look. "But they're not going to turn you away. You got this."
Before she could back out, Nevada nodded and pushed the door open, the cold winter air hitting her like a blast the second she stepped out. She held back a shiver as she made her way up the stairs to the front door. She didn't let herself look back at Natalie, knowing well that she'd lose her nerve, and instead, she opened the front door, stepping head first into the chaos.
The scene was far more relaxed than she had first anticipated. While people cluttered the entryway in small groups, no one paid her any attention, chattering amongst themselves with red solo cups in their grasps, and she stole the opportunity to blend into the crowd.
While her priority was to find Sam, she had to look like she belonged. The kitchen was the second room after the front door, and she plucked a red solo cup from the selection. Thankfully, there was no one else in the room, and she felt no shame in filling the plastic halfway with water.
Her phone buzzed in the pocket of her skirt while she sloshed the water around in her cup. Fishing her cell out with one hand, two notifications popped up on the screen. One was a text from Natalie asking whether she'd found him yet—and she typed out a quick response, no—and the second was a Snapchat from Sam. Opening it, she discovered a shaky picture of a couple of people around their age huddled in front of a TV screen. She recognized the Fortnite graphics, and his caption explained the situation: why am I watching people play fortnite on new years? Lol.
He was so close. She just had to find him.
With a huff, she straightened her glasses, tightened her grip on her cup, and headed out of the kitchen—only to reel back at the sight of someone sliding into her line of vision. The young man didn't notice her until he heard her sharp intake of breath, and he stopped looking down at his phone long enough to lift his head—and Carter's eyes popped.
"Nevada? Oh my God, is that really you? Hi!" Before she could even recover, he had pulled her into one of his infamous bear hugs, and her face was pressed into his chest for the few seconds he embraced her.
While part of her was surprised, the other part of her told her that she should've expected it. She was certain that Sam had revealed that he and Carter intended on spending a large portion of the break together; she should've made the connection. She had never been so relieved to see his face, one of familiarity to her.
When she finally drew back, his eyes danced in front of her. "Oh my fucking God, Sam will be so excited to know that you're here! How are you here, anyway?"
"A car, Snap maps, and a will," Nevada said with a chuckle, lifting her cup to her lips. Her mouth felt dry, and the second the cold liquid hit her tongue, relief flooded through her. Natalie was right: she could do this. She had found Carter. She could find Sam. It was ten minutes until eleven. She had time. "I didn't tell Sam, but—"
"He'll be so happy that you're here," Carter cut her off, her worries dissipating with his assurance. "I swear, he texts you more than he talks to me, and I've been staying with him since yesterday." His lip quirked upward, indicating that there were no hard feelings, and he pulled her into his side. "He's upstairs. I can take you to him if you want."
Her eyes narrowed. "That sounds fishy."
"Oops." He shot her a sheepish grin. "You can write 'Carter did it' on a napkin and leave it in your pocket if you think I'm leading you away from the party to murder you."
Though her defenses had risen, they fell once more. He was too light-hearted for her to feel threatened by him, and she was shocked to realize how easily it was for her to trust him. He led her up the stairs and into one of the first rooms on the left.
The TV displayed an ongoing Fortnite game, in which the person controlling the character was in the top ten. Half of the crowd was entrapped by the game, their glassy eyes following each movement while responding with the appropriate instructions to guide the person playing. The other half of the crowd had drifted their attention away, split apart in smaller groups as they exchanged pleasant conversation. It was just past eleven: there was still time before the clock struck midnight.
Carter nudged her elbow before pointing towards a group huddled in the corner, and she followed his finger until the familiar figure fell into her line of vision.
Sam hadn't noticed their entrance yet, nodding along as the young man in front of him spoke, taking small sips from his beer can every few seconds, but she could've picked him out of the crowd with ease. His blonde hair had been gelled up in its usual style for the occasion, and he'd abandoned his usual sweats for jeans and a black sweater.
It was now or never. There was no turning back.
Nevada braced herself, a gentle smile softening her features, and he looked up from the conversation only for his gaze to land on her. There was no missing the way his eyes widened ever so slightly, but she was relieved to find no hint of frustration towards her presence. In fact, he grinned, his dimple poking out, and his eyes kept returning to her as he waited for the person to finish speaking.
The second Sam had the chance to leave the conversation, he split apart from the group and strode in their direction.
"I'll leave you two for a bit," Carter said, nudging her with his arm again. "I'll be back."
Sam was there to fill the space Carter had vacated, and she found herself grinning on instinct the second his familiar scent wafted towards her. He looked good tonight. There was no denying the fact. He knew how to dress well, and she felt her knees going weak as she scanned him over again, her heart thundering in her chest.
"What are you doing here?" was the first thing he said, nudging her cup with his beer. "I thought you said you were going out with your parents tonight."
Nevada bit the inside of her mouth. "I lied," she admitted. "I'm sorry. But I didn't want to admit that I had no plans. I didn't want to be a downer."
He frowned, his can returning to rest against his chest. He was silent for a moment. "I mean ... I get it, but you don't have to lie to me. I hope you know that. I won't judge you."
"I know," she said. "I'm understanding that better every day." Her shoulders slumped. "But I've always seen being alone as a bad thing, and ... I'm slowly proving myself wrong. I think I find myself better when I'm alone. I know what I want more."
Sam brightened. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. I think I've always seen my anxiety as the worst thing that could've happened to me — which isn't true at all. I've always just accepted that there are going to be certain things that I can't do because of it — that I have to become comfortable with being alone all the time, because it makes it too hard to try and be around other people. But that trip"—her voice softened—"is one of the hardest things I have done in my life—and I know some people will think that it is such a small thing, but it's not—and I did it. My anxiety is not the worst part of me. It's just ... a part. But I can still accomplish great things regardless."
Sam didn't speak for a long time, the silence stretching between them into something palpable, but she held no regrets. If he chose to accept every part of her, then there was a future for them. But she would not take back what she said.
It felt like an eternity had passed before he nodded, chuckling a little. "I'm so proud of you," he said, his gaze meeting hers. "I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless." A laugh burst from him, but it was light and made her feel like her insides had melted completely. "Can I give you a hug?"
"Yeah." When he spread his arms wide, she fell into his embrace with ease, his chest warm against hers. While she wanted to stay in the moment forever, his heart beat roaring in her ear, his arms around her frame, it only reminded her of another question that begged to be answered. "I'm not finished."
When Sam drew back, a furrow etched between his brows, she could tell that her sentence had confused him. But she couldn't leave their relationship in the state it was. There was a question mark that needed an answer, and she wanted it tonight.
"Sam, I want you in my life," she said, steeling herself for his response — the one that could crack the universe in half. "But I need to know what we are." Her chest heaved. "What are we? What do you want us to be?"
His blue eyes had never looked so devastating. His answer could either break her heart or make it burn—and he knew it too. "I thought I made myself clear," he said, his lip quirking upward. "I like you, Nevada. I like you a lot. I want to crack jokes with you—and I want to play Fifa and do all those dumb things. But I also want to kiss you and tease you and make you blush."
Almost on cue, her face warmed, and she ducked her head in an attempt to keep him from seeing. Judging by his warm laugh, she failed. When Nevada lifted her head, she jolted to find that he'd stepped closer, his face looming over hers, and one of his hands rested against her cheek.
"I want to spend my New Year with you," he whispered, his breath fanning her face, "because I want you in my life. I don't want you by my side just for tonight. I want you to be there in the morning. Not just for the best times — but for the bad too."
"I want to be there too," she whispered. Her heart raced in her chest, and she was certain that if he didn't kiss her soon, she'd crumble. "I want to be here."
His lips pressed against hers, and even though the clock had yet to strike midnight, she could feel the fireworks reverberating through her body. She was ending the year in the best of ways, and it would start this way too. She had done this. Smiling against his mouth, she thought, I'm proud of myself too.
i finished school for the year! i've been slowly refiguring out how to get back into writing, which is why this chapter has been delayed. but it's 5k words long, so please love me anyway! let me know what you thought! this is the last actual chapter before the epilogue so we're nearly at the end. i hope you've all enjoyed nevada's story so far, and i can't wait to wrap it up soon!
x carolina