If I Lose Myself
by EMPG22HoPe
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Chapter Twenty-Three: Astoria
October 1997
September melted into October as the new school year continues to be even more dreadful than Astoria had anticipated. She was starting to see what Daphne meant about false hope and staying neutral in with what's been happening inside Hogwarts lately. But Astoria, as she is, has always been defiant of anything she didn't think was right. Some might even say she has a bit of Gryffindor in her, and she may as well be proud to say it if it means doing what was right.
Before going back to Hogwarts, Cassandra and Cepheus Greengrass made some precautions to move Astoria into the Carrow twins'—Hestia and Flora's— dormitory. They thought that if Astoria was closer to the nieces of the deputy headmasters; her sharp tongue and questionable opinions might be overlooked by Amycus and Alecto. She doubted it would work, but she appreciated her parents' method of keeping her safe nonetheless.
It turns out; she actually enjoys Hestia and Flora's company. They've hardly spoken to each other during Slug Club dinners in the past year, but Astoria later regretted it being so when she finally moved into her new dormitory. The two other girls they shared the room with mostly kept to themselves, and knew better than to talk to either Astoria—the blood traitor—or the twins, the nieces of the deputy headmasters.
Hestia and Flora were likely the only girls she felt she could confide in safely. They had taken Daphne's place in that department, which was more than Astoria could ask for. She couldn't do much of confiding with Luna, and she felt incredibly guilty for it. But she knew that the more she spoke to Luna, the more difficult it would be for both of them; especially since Luna was a proud member of Dumbledore's Army.
It surprised her how the twins haven't ousted her to their aunt and uncle, knowing how defiant she was to the new school curriculum, especially the new Dark Arts subject. But it's not like the twins had anything to oust when Astoria herself was doing a well-enough job on her own being spiteful towards the medieval methods of Amycus and Alecto's subjects.
"Honestly, it's like you have a death wish," Flora Carrow told her off one Saturday morning as they walked out of the Great Hall after breakfast. "Or something similarly ghastly."
Astoria shot Flora what was hopefully an apologetic look. Yesterday had not been a very good Dark Arts lesson, considering how Astoria had yet again voiced her dislike for the subject's newer and more "advanced" ways of procuring dark magic inhumanely. It must have taken some very drastic convincing from Hestia and Flora to stop their uncle from killing her on sight.
"I don't see why you would even bother, Tori. People have been doing dark magic for centuries, eons, even. It's not something new." Hestia added with a quirk of a brow beside her.
"But to teach them to underage students? It's distressing!" Astoria could not shake off the way half the class looked when Amycus taught them how to use the Imperius Curse. She can't even imagine what they must be feeling, let alone students that were younger than them likely experiencing the same lessons. "What's next? They're going to start teaching us how to use the Killing Curse? Merlin knows plenty of angry students would want to start using that on each other sometime soon."
Hestia slowed in her tracks, causing Astoria to hang back with her.
"Look, I don't like it any more than you do—but you're not making it any easier for me and Flora to keep you from being punished in front of all those other students." Hestia complained, although she retained a more patient tone compared to Flora. "We can only protect you for as much as we possibly can. You have to stop doing this, or at least hold your tongue until the end of lessons. Please, for your safety and if you wish to keep your life."
Flora, who had been in the lead of their walk, looked behind her shoulder before stopping and turning to Astoria.
"Plus, we can't keep making the excuse that spilling pure-blood would be a waste to them. Blood traitor is just as bad as muggle-borns these days." Flora added gravely. "We're running out of excuses, Tori. Soon enough, Uncle Amycus could give a shit if he starts hurting his own nieces."
Astoria was affronted. Perhaps she had been rather selfish in the past month. The last thing she would want was for Flora and Hestia to get into much trouble as her. She didn't even realize she was also risking the lives of her friends with her defiance. And yet, even as she heeded the twins' words—there was always that gut feeling that stuck to her that made her see differently.
Before she could answer Flora, she caught something move at her left peripheral. A student dressed in Hufflepuff robes hobbled out of the dreadful Dark Arts classroom Astoria had grown to hate. She saw the student's body quiver, causing Astoria's heart to sink into her stomach.
"I-I have to go." Astoria told the twins, barely looking at them this time as she paid more attention to the student that was now holding onto a protruding wall for balance. "I'll see you guys later."
"Astoria—" Hestia warned, but Astoria was already making her way towards the Hufflepuff who stood shaking at the end of the hallway.
Hestia and Flora's calls fell on deaf ears as Astoria approached the student cautiously.
"Do you need any help?" Astoria asked carefully.
The Hufflepuff jumped in surprise, whirling to see who had caught her off guard. She was a pink-faced girl with blonde hair, silver eyes full of tears as she took a frightful step back away from Astoria. Astoria soon recognized the girl to be Hannah Abbott, one of the Prefects she met in the Prefect compartment in the train.
Even though Astoria was younger, Hannah drew out her wand and pointed it at her threateningly.
"What do you want? Are you here to hurt me too? Get the job done, ey?" Hannah asked defiantly, though her voice quivered as she spoke. "I've told Amycus that I won't do it again, I swear! Just please leave me alone!"
"I'm not here to hurt you, Hannah. I promise." Astoria shook her head as she stayed where she was, even though she was compelled to come closer. "I'm Astoria, remember? I'm one of the new Slytherin prefects."
"Of course! A Slytherin. You'd use your new authority against me, I bet." Hannah testified, her face scrunching up in disgust. Even as she held her wand aloft, Astoria did nothing to take out hers. The Hufflepuff's hand shook as she pointed at Astoria. "Well, I may have little authority, but I'm still Prefect too! I can take away your points as much as you can with me!"
Astoria realized then that she wasn't the first Slytherin Prefect Hannah's had the displeasure of coming across. She could easily put together how her fellow Slytherins were using their new-found authority against any other innocent student. This enraged her, but she kept her cool on the outside.
"I'm not going to do that. Look, here." Astoria brandished her wand, causing Hannah to squeal but she kept her wand pointed still. Carefully, Astoria leaned down to put her wand on the floor before leaning back up to show her empty hands. She then kicked her wand towards Hannah, the wood rolling to a stop at the Hufflepuff's feet. "See? No wand. Please, Hannah. I'm not here to hurt you."
Hannah looked shaken, her gaze switching between the Slytherin's rosewood wand at her foot then at Astoria. She remained skeptic and fretful for a moment before she slowly lowered her wand, sniffling before taking the wand from the floor.
"What happened to you?" Astoria asked meticulously, taking small steps towards Hannah.
The Hufflepuff met Astoria's gaze before wiping off her tears with the sleeve of her robes. "Detention with Amycus. Apparently, detention means the Cruciatus curse. It could have been much worse, but you know how... lenient he can be."
Astoria's heart lurched considerably. No wonder Hannah was shaking all over. She's heard of stories of people having nerve and brain damage from being exposed too long under the torture curse, and she fears Hannah might be in the same condition.
"I'm so sorry." Astoria choked, her eyes welling with tears—but she held them back to look strong. "How long... how long were you in there?"
Hannah shrugged as she shoved her wand back into her robes. "Only about ten minutes, I believe. But it felt like hours, days, even. It's..." She paused briefly, looking at Astoria carefully before looking down at the rosewood wand in her hand. "It's as terrible as they say it is."
"I can't believe they would do that." Astoria shook her head in disbelief. She knew that they would resort to teaching dark magic, but to use it on students as punishment was more dangerous than she could have thought possible. With a new vigor to her step, Astoria drew closer to offer her arm to Hannah. "Let me help you to the hospital wing. It's a bit far, but I think we can make it in time to get you a potion from Madame Pomfrey."
The pink-faced girl stared at Astoria's offered arm skeptically. But after moments of silent debate, Hannah took to putting her weight on Astoria's hand before they slowly made their way towards the hospital wing. As they walked, Astoria tried to keep Hannah distracted by letting her talk about everything and anything; a slight distraction from the aftermath of the cruciatus curse's pain.
She learned that unlike the more child's play version of Dark Arts for the younger years, the seventh years were being taught to cast the Cruciatus curse... on each other. This made Astoria want to vomit the breakfast she'd just consumed earlier.
"Obviously, the Slytherins have the better advantage. Alecto lets them take the first lead, leaving the rest to be bait to suffer." Hannah explained at one point as she buckled under her own weight despite being helped to move along. As they neared the double doors of the hospital wing, the Hufflepuff took a good look at her before asking. "You're Daphne Greengrass's sister, right?"
Astoria froze at the final question. Her relationship with her sister had greatly thinned since the start of the year. Daphne had become more arrogant and reckless this year, especially under the influence of Pansy and her gang of dreadful Slytherin girls. In fact, so arrogant that she took on the word she told Astoria on her birthday.
I hope you know that I will not acknowledge you as my sister if you keep up this act at school.
Daphne had treated and looked at her like she was a speck of dirt under her boots. It nearly tore her apart just the way her older sister had completely abandoned her to the wolves. Astoria was certain that if she were ever under any trouble, she doubted her sister would come bounding to the rescue. She had never felt more alone, as though some part of her had gone missing and refused to return unless she gave in.
In spite of Daphne's insistence and her change in the views of how things were, Astoria still refused to bow to the pressing patriarchy that's occurred in the wizarding world. She would rather sacrifice her family than sacrifice the sanctity of her honor. There were worst things.
"Is that what they're calling me now these days?" Astoria asked lightheartedly at last, trying to force a smile as she pushed one of the doors to the hospital wing open.
Hannah smiled faintly as they hobbled inside. "Not really, but your sister and her friends have made quite an impression on Alecto these past couple of weeks. First in line to torture the living soul out of us. Her lot and Pansy's boyfriend, Malfoy."
This time, Astoria really did stop in her tracks. She stared at Hannah with furrowed brows, her heart racing in both pain and question. Was Draco truly... was he helping the others torture other students?
It couldn't be. A part of her refused to believe it, refused to believe that Draco would even succumb to... and yet, why shouldn't he? To preserve himself. To keep himself from getting killed. That seemed to be the only explanation she could think of, the only one that made the most sense to her. She felt he probably already knew how to cast that curse long before the school year started, especially with all those Death Eaters housing Malfoy manor the last couple of months. And yet, somehow she had hoped he would resist—just like he resisted with Dumbledore.
But could she really blame him? Would she have done the same to save her own skin? Her mind screamed the possibility of a yes, but her heart defied with the utmost stomp of a no. Astoria couldn't... no, wouldn't hurt anyone deliberately even if it meant to save herself. She would lay down her life herself long before she could ever resort to something so brutal.
She had not spoken much to Draco since her conversation with him in the common room with Blaise. Although she had a feeling he might be trying to communicate still through Blaise, who had been tailing her inconspicuously most days. That day had been as much of an agreement as anything. It was too dangerous for either of them to be too close together at this point in time if she wanted to save her own neck.
"Merlin, not another one!" The sound of Madame Pomfrey's voice interrupted her musings, the matron already trudging angrily towards Astoria and Hannah. Her heart felt as though it had been nicked by an arrow when she saw the matron glare at Astoria. What had she done? Did Madame Pomfrey think she did this to Hannah?
"Our numbers grow daily. I'm surprised they haven't already shut down the hospital wing with all your patients, Madame Pomfrey." Hannah tried for a light-hearted banter, but winced when she looked as though she had twisted a muscle or two.
At Hannah's proclamation, Astoria's eyes swept the place and was shocked to see so many students in bed—all sporting injuries, some still fresh with blood on their noses, or teeth and hands caked with blood. Some students were even standing beside other beds, or sitting on benches, waiting on for any available beds. It made Astoria's stomach lurch. She hadn't been to the hospital wing since the start of the year, by some miracle considering her weak immune system—and yet, never in her history of staying in this part of the castle long had she seen so many students in pain.
Was this the new regime the school's been promoting? Picking off each student that made one wrong move before sending them crawling to the hospital wing? It all felt so wrong.
"I'm good from here." Hannah told Astoria before pulling away gently. "Thank you, Astoria. You've... surprised me. I will never forget this, or you."
Madame Pomfrey raised a brow. At least now the matron believed she hadn't been the cause of Hannah's misfortune.
Astoria blinked twice before smiling solemnly. "I would have done anything to help. No one deserves to be treated this way."
Hannah fished out Astoria's rosewood wand before handing it to her. "Sorry I jumped on you like that... or that you had to give me your wand to prove yourself."
As she accepted her wand from Hannah, she twisted the wood in her hand. It was such a powerful thing, a wand; having the power to create things, but also destroy them.
"Hey, when you're not busy being brainwashed by the Carrows into the whole pure-blood supremacy thing..." Hannah started before grinning brightly. "Perhaps you and I could talk sometime. I think you might be of good use to some lot of mine."
Astoria's face lit up for the first time that day. "Truly?"
Hannah nodded; a twinkle in her silver eyes. "You're a good one, Astoria. Let's hope you stay that way."
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Her encounter with Hannah Abbott wasn't the first. After word has reached the castle that seventh years were being forced to practice the cruciatus curse, more and more students—even younger students now—were being tortured; causing an uproar towards the Headmaster to shut down the hospital wing for a period of time due to the overflow of students.
It didn't sit right with Astoria. How were the other students who weren't lucky enough to be drafted into the hospital wing tending to their injuries? Were they just given prescriptions to sleep the night off, or were they being sent to St. Mungo's with the hospital wing now so heavily overflowed with students? Or were they simply left to fend for themselves?
A week has passed since Astoria helped Hannah to the hospital wing, and already, she felt the growing tension of that arise every day since the start of the year. Everyone had been right. There was no light here, no Dumbledore to save them now. Some of many still banked on the hope that Harry Potter would find a way to save them, hence why he was away. Many just assumed Harry wouldn't be stupid enough to come back and lay his life out for the Dark Lord. Whatever Harry Potter was doing out there, Astoria just hoped he had some kind of plan to help them.
Astoria stumbled briefly, far too lost in her thoughts to even recognize the path Luna was taking her that day. Sundays were meant for her studying, especially with O.W.L.S looming so far ahead, yet it felt like a noose wrapped around her neck everyday in spite of the other nooses that seemed to be waiting to hang her without a thought.
"Luna, where exactly are we going?" Astoria asked, trying to keep up now as she let out puffs of tired breath. She wasn't exactly feeling well today, either. But she went off anyway, especially since how Luna seemed so eager to show her something.
"You'll see, I promise!" Luna told her with a slight smile as she hopped on happily up the seventh floor.
Astoria recognized the place where Luna led her now. It was where Draco had told her he'd been going to in order to fix the Vanishing Cabinet in the Room of Requirement; one of the very few things he revealed about his mission, never knowing what he had intended to do with it, only that he needed it. When she realized later on that he had been the one that sent the Death Eaters into the castle the night Dumbledore died, she began to regret the sight of it.
They stopped before the very wall she last saw Draco with Crabbe and Goyle. Astoria knew about the Room of Requirement, having read it in one of the books the restricted section had to offer. But she never truly needed it at any given time. All she knew was that she had to be very specific in order to enter the room she wanted to be in.
"This goes to the Room of Requirement," Astoria confirmed for herself. "Or at least one of them, as much as I've read. What are we doing here?"
"Well, I wanted to show you something. People are on the other side, by the way. Best we don't keep them waiting." Luna answered dreamily before turning to the wall. "Now, I need you to think of a safe place. Somewhere... somewhere people can gather around to support each other. Try to think harder, though. You've got a lot of nargles surrounding your head, Astoria. They can tamper with concentration."
Astoria smiled at her friend's quirkiness genuinely before closing her eyes and attempting to concentrate. I must get into a safe place... somewhere students would feel secure without having to worry about what's out there... a safe place...
The mantra came to her three times before she heard the rustle of iron and wood scrape against each other. Her eyes flew open; surprised to see the sight of a door slowly forming out of the wall that had been completely blank earlier. Two double oak doors with intricate iron veins stood before them, finally forming itself completely with a mighty clang.
Luna pushed one of the doors open before turning to beckon Astoria to follow.
As she stepped into the room, Astoria began to make sense of what she was seeing.
The room was filled with hanging hammocks. Several bunk beds, couches and tables were pushed to the side. In the middle of the room, at least about fifteen students stared at them—many of whom displayed injuries that were being tended to by other students as they all sat on cots and blankets.
To the side stood a dark-skinned student, older than the rest of the students that milled around. He was hunched over what seemed to be a microphone and some other muggle technology, barely sparing her a glance.
The walls were covered with banners of the houses: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff; save for one painting of a girl holding a book close to her chest. She had not been surprised to see the lack of Slytherin banners shaping the room together.
Astoria had only heard stories about this group of students two years ago. She often always thought it was just a conspiracy in which Umbridge had been so eager to create in order to ruin the very fabric of Harry Potter's being. But now, seeing them all staring at her, all wide-eyed; many looking on in shock, others sporting glares that could burn holes right through her, she was starting to believe that Umbridge might not have lost her head after all.
"Ah, I see everyone's all gathered up!" Luna proclaimed jovially in spite of the mixed mood inside the room.
One of the students stood up and she recognized that person to be Hannah Abbott. She stood sis wmiling compared to all the others that were still seated.
"We've been expecting you, Astoria." Hannah declared, her silver eyes glinting. "Welcome to Dumbledore's Army."
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AN: It's a short one this week, and again, I apologize for the delay! I was extremely sick with tonsilitis last week that I wasn't able to post this chapter as promised. I have just recently graduated from college and am now working on applying for jobs. That's right, adult life is kicking me in the face now. But this doesn't mean I'll stop writing for If I Lose Myself. I will continue writing this fanfic to the best of my ability. As such, thank you so much for your never-ending patience and love for this work. This fanfic would not be possible without your support as a reader!
Before we dive into next week's chapter, I'd just like to take a little survey. I would love to know what your favorite Draco and Astoria scene in this fanfic is so far! We're well into the start of part two of this entire fanfic, and yet, I haven't thought what your favorite scene of our couple might be. Let me know in the reviews!
As always, thank you for reading. If you liked this chapter, don't forget to VOTE the chapter to receive frequent updates. And let me know in the reviews what you think of Luna initiating Astoria into Dumbledore's Army.
That's all for now!
See you soon,
EMPG22HoPe