"Insomnia is a bad dream from which you must wake. And, when you do, you find that you're asleep." - Jamie Contreras
I arrived at 'DKD' fifteen minutes later to find Emily situated in a window booth. Her hair was windswept and draped around her shoulders. A slightly oversized denim jacket replaced the typical anorak and a simple blue and white striped shirt lay beneath. She looked wonderful, and my stomach clenched at the fact.
"Jay! You made it!" Emily cried out, leaping from her seat in order to give me a welcoming hug. As she brought me closer to her, I could smell a summery citrus-y scent which was probably her shampoo.
I laughed, pulling out of the hug, "yeah, I said I would! Besides, I didn't have to walk far." Grinning, I took a seat across from her, pouring myself a glass of water from the jug sat on the table.
Looking around, I saw all the usual customers of 'DKD'. A young family sat about two booths down, the one of the fathers sporting two tattoo sleeves while the other sat with a striped polo. The combination looked a bit odd, some guy who looked as if he should be in the suburbs, while the other could've been rocking out at three in the morning. They were holding hands over the table as their two kids chatted over a shared bowl of chips. To our right, only one booth down sat a young girl, only about fourteen or fifteen, all alone as she scribbled away in some kind of journal, a coffee by her side.
Our waiter, a guy with big ears and an even bigger stretcher, sauntered up to us, a notebook in his hand. "Any ideas on what ya'll want?" He had a southern-American drawl to his voice, the kind of accent you never really heard in the city, it was mostly full of born and raised Australians.
Emily picked up a menu and spent about five seconds flipping through the pages before she looked up at him, "I'll have the biggest fucking burger on your menu, large chips and a large coffee. Thank you."
The poor guy looked so shocked. He was probably so used to serving girls who ordered salads and trim lattes that seeing Emily order such a huge meal which was so different to what he usually dealt with, frightened him. I mean, good on those girls for eating salads, they taste great, but sometimes what you really need is a huge burger.
"I'll have the same." I couldn't keep the grin off of my face as he scribbled the order down, eyebrows raised as a steady smirk replaced the shock.
"Alrighty, and do you want milk with that coffee?"
I said "No," just as Emily said, "Yes please." Which resulted in us bursting into impromptu laughter, the waiter included.
"Awesome, it'll be ready in about fifteen minutes." With that, the guy left for another table, his stretchers wobbling ever so slightly as he moved.
"God, I love this place." Emily stated, smiling as she looked around the fast food joint. Regardless of her slightly bloodshot eyes, she looked extremely lively for someone who was supposed to have a killer hangover.
Leaning back in my chair, I smirked again, looking back to the gay men and their family, "I know right, I love how open it is."
When 'DKD' was first established a couple of years ago, the owner had wanted to create a place where all kinds of people, from different races, sexes and identities could come together and do something as simple as eat good, greasy food. Today, that is exactly what it is.
"Tell me about it! I think that's one of few things that can brighten my day in a second, seeing an LGBT couple being really open in public. Like, I'm so sick of people being all reserved about romance." She's smirking at me as she says this, her glossed lips shaping the words. While I'm leaning back on the chair, she's got her elbows on the table, her hair spilling down to touch the polished wood.
Nodding my head at her statement, I smiled at her enthusiasm, "No, I know. I totally agree. It's so draining to simply see people going about their everyday lives, couples make everything so much more interesting."
I was forgetting my purpose, why I came to meet her. Things were just going so well, we were enjoying ourselves and chatting as if we were old friends. It wasn't like we'd had an argument, it was only the fact that I didn't want to create one. Emily, although I'd known her for only a week or two, was quickly growing on me. I didn't want to create conflict. Only, if the fact that I knew about her anxiety wasn't shared, there was a greater chance of her being mad when she would eventually learn about it. Secrets had a way of getting out. Sooner rather than later.
Just as I was about to mention something, our food arrived.
"Two king burger combos." Our waiter placed the plates on the table, the huge portions glaring up at me, calling my name.
"Thank you!" Emily chimed as she immediately reached for one of her fries. Grinning, she munched it down and picked up her burger as the waiter walked off, and I copied her gesture.
"You're really hung-over then, aren't you?" I asked, right before I took a huge bite out of the burger. It was so good, the meat and melted cheese tasted like heaven as the lettuce, onion, tomato, cucumber and sauces all accompanied the glory.
"Mhmmm." Was all Emily mumbled as she chewed her food. Swallowing, she wiped a napkin over her mouth and took a sip of her coffee before sighing in contempt. "That is exactly what I needed."
Trying not to laugh as I ate, I clamped a hand over my mouth to prevent any chunks from escaping.
"Right, you eat first. I need to talk to you about yesterday anyway."
At that, I went pale, I could tell. There was a part of me that was terrified that she'd found out about what I knew, even though we were mere moments away from me spilling the beans anyway. For some reason, the idea that she found out through someone else terrified me.
Despite the fact that my food was not properly chewed, I swallowed it anyway, the chunks burning as they slipped down my throat. "Eh?" Was all I could get out as I choked on the under-chewed food.
"Wow, dude. Calm down." Emily smiled, taking a gulp of her coffee. I copied her, using the liquid to soothe my throat. "It's just Cass told me you took me home, and I wanted to thank you. You didn't have too, but you saw that I was really drunk and helped me. It means a lot that you did that, Jay." Her voice slowly became quieter and more sincere as she talked, each word hitting my heart harder than the last.
Sitting there, stupefied, I could only find myself asking one question, "How much do you remember?"
She laughed, tapping her fingernails on the table, she ate a fry before replying, "Well, not much." At that, I let out a sigh of relief, which seemed to go unnoticed by her, "but I remember before we went to 'JumpRs', we were walking together. And at some point you told me to sit down... then we left and I... um, freaked out a little." The smile faltered as she finished the sentence, and I watched as something looking similar to hope crossed over her face.
"Yeah. I, um, need to tell you something about that." I gulped, and crossed my hands over each other on the table. Trying to not look nervous was useless, so instead I simply took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes. It's not a big deal, Jason. Calm the fuck down, now. I told myself, my heart beating too fast.
"Oh." Emily started, a worried expression taking over her face. She was nervous enough about mentioning the episode in a casual conversation, now that I was actually about to tell her that I knew about her anxiety, she looked as though she might disappear. She had shrunk back into the seat and was picking at the bun of her half-finished burger.
"Um, when I took you home and put you in your bed. I got a bucket for you to, uh, puke in if you needed. And I, uh, umm..." Gulping, I twiddled my thumbs before continuing, "foundyourmedication." The last part of the sentence was rushed and I just couldn't look her in the eyes. It was too hard. I felt the heat on my cheeks, warm and embarrassing, no longer did I have an appetite and instead looking at the burger only made me feel nauseas.
Emily inhaled, the sound sharp like knives. "Oh," was all she said before she suddenly began to breathe faster. Looking up, I saw to my dismay Emily as she grabbed onto the table - panic setting into her eyes.
"Holy shit." I mumbled, staring at the girl before me as a full on anxiety attack rendered her speechless. Rushing over to her side, I looked up at her. "Emily?"
She didn't answer. Instead, she grasped at where her heart was, eyes wide as she continuously gasped for air. Her head whipped around in a frantic motion, looking from one person to the other before her eyes landed on me.
People were beginning to stare, concern etched into every feature. A little kid, the child of one of the gay men we were talking about earlier, stood up in her chair and pointed to Emily, "Daddies, why is that girl scared?" Her fathers grabbed her down and shushed her, only her words rang true in my mind.
She is scared. What of, I had no idea. Grabbing her hand, whether she liked it or not, I tried to pull her up. It was as if the sudden movement shocked her into a slightly more aware sense of self. "Don't touch me!" Aggressively pulling her hand from my grip, she glared at me as she gasped for air.
Jumping back, I couldn't keep the hurt from my eyes as I stared at her. "Sorry I was just trying to help." I mumbled, watching over her.
"Well don't! Just, fuck off!" She shouted, at which point there were a handful of people who gasped at her language. Pushing me out of the way, she staggered out of 'DKD', gasping with tears rolling down her cheeks.
I sat there, stupefied, my knees on the cold linoleum floor as strangers gave me pitying stares, and Emily's retreating figure shocked expressions. Everything is a mess, I tell myself, unable to stand from the floor. I probably look pathetic, some guy who's friend just so happened to walk out on him after a fight, now can't get up off of the floor. There are family members, couples and friends that are slowly getting back to what they were doing prior to Emily's attack and my own collapse.
Somehow, I find it in me to stand up. Pulling out my wallet I place a twenty on the table and leave, there isn't a part of me that wants to finish my meal. I still have an hour or two before my class starts but I can't find it in me to go home and study. Not when all I really want to do is collapse. Letting my feet lead the way, I let my mind go blank for a while.
I need a quiet place to think, that is not home. I don't want to go home.
A couple of minutes later, I find myself in a park. Trees and bushes rise up all around me, swamping my usually tall figure. There are many people walking around. One or two dog owners taking their pet for a walk as two or three others slowly jog down one track. It's exactly what I had in mind. There is a certain solace in nature, something that brings forth the relaxed, calm nature deep within. Perhaps it was the way the light flickered off of the trees and trickled down to the ground, or the slow melody the rustling leaves and bird song created. It didn't take long for me to settle in a sunny path of grass.
I let my head fall back against the earth and spread my arms out wide. Closing my eyes, I took deep breaths and allowed myself the time to think.
She had every right to freak out. I had known her for all of two weeks, and within that time I'd learned things about her that she never really wanted to share with others. I'm not an idiot, I'm sure that her friends knew about her condition, just as Georgia knew about mine, only they probably didn't understand her reserved nature when it came to talking about it. Or even mentioning it.
From what I'd seen before the club, and even at the club the other night, Emily hated to have her condition disable her. She clearly didn't like the idea that it could prevent her from doing things that her friends did, she didn't want to be left behind, and she didn't want to be the friend that couldn't keep up because her anxiety was too ruthless. There was a determination in her that anyone would envy.
No matter the amount of times her anxiety embarrassed her, handicapped her or alienated her, she constantly stood up, brushed the incident off and carried on. Sure, procrastinating talking to others about what they may have experienced if they were with her at the time of the attack wasn't exactly the best option as it left them wondering, she had every right. She's her own person and it's up to her as to who she wants to tell.
I just wish I wasn't the person to figure it out, because I wanted to be the person she chose to tell. I had made a massive mess out of something I was sure wasn't such a big deal. Turns out, it was. As much as I could be a dick, there was a certain level of understanding with things rotating around disorders and illnesses. It probably had something to do with the fact that I often understood, either way I knew where to draw the line.
Emily needed space that much was obvious and much to my chagrin, I needed to give it to her. She needed to take the time to comprehend that I knew about it, whether she liked that or not, and it was too late to push me away completely because I wasn't going anywhere.
With that in mind, I slowly got to my feet, pulling my jumper tighter around my body. Feeling somewhat lighter, I made my way home. The idea of a warm cup of tea and a calming book before my afternoon class seemed like the perfect remedy for a day gone wrong. I looked down for a moment as I ran a hand through my hair, and that was when I bumped into her.
"Jason?" Melanie questioned, confusion laced in between each syllable. She had her blonde hair up in a high ponytail with a headband keeping back any loose stands, a sports bag slung over one shoulder. There was an edge of something along the lines of guilt etched into her eyes, only I couldn't be sure so shrugged it off without a second thought. I'd spent too much time thinking today.
"Melanie, hi." Not really feeling very energetic, I gave her a lopsided smile, "sorry about bumping into you. I wasn't really watching where I was going."
She grinned at me, the blue of her headband glinting in the sunlight. "Nah, that's fine." Regardless of the sudden relaxed demeanor she had adopted, there was something slightly off about her behaviour. She couldn't stop fidgeting with the strap of her bag.
"Where are you off to?" I asked politely. Upon closer inspection, I noticed she had a pair of running shoes on, along with a pair of running leggings. She looked very sporty, and I must admit, hot. She may have been interested in women, but no one could deny how attractive she looked in tight pants and a tight top.
Melanie looked to the ground, biting her lip before she raised her head again in order to answer, "Uh, I was going for a run." It almost sounded like a question, and I had no idea why she was being so weird, but I was too tired to try and figure it out.
"Ah, well. Don't let me stop you. I have an afternoon class anyway." I smiled at her again, "see ya around." Waving her off, I turned my back on her just as she replied with an awkward 'yeah, see ya!'
Choosing to take the way home that cut through the majority of the park before opening to a small alleyway that connected to the street my apartment was on, I set off my pace slow and steady. There wasn't much on my mind other than Emily and the idea of tea and a good book. If I had room in there to think about other things, I would've remembered I had made plans with Georgia, I needed to talk to her, about Emily specifically.
Things weren't really working between us, she was constantly off and doing other things, and I was left to order take outs and fuck her when she came home. There wasn't much we did other than that and I was sick of it. I needed adventure, I wanted adventure. I wanted to walk down the docks in the middle of the day, holding my girlfriends hand, laughing, smiling and chatting. Without having to worry about what plane she might have to catch, or how long we had before she had to run off for dance, or her boss, or her classes.
But my mind was too preoccupied to think about it, I didn't want to contemplate the fact that I may or may not have just blown off my own girlfriend. I didn't want to try and figure out why Melanie was acting so off around me, as if she had done something to personally offend me. All I could concentrate on was the cup of tea waiting for me at home, and then the class I had to attend after. If I had spent the time to clear my mind, I might've been able to prevent the mess from getting any bigger. Only I was too self-absorbed to notice any difference, and I'll always regret that.
//a.n// it's here!!! yayyyyy! the suspense is lifted!!!! or is it....? hehehe. any ways, i just want to thank you all soooo much for being sooooo supportive and commenting and just being so wonderful! it's so lovely to see my notifcations board blow up with all you wonderful people commenting.
um, as per usual i'd love it if you could tell me what you think, especially to do with suspicious melanie... ooooh. vote and comment and PUH-LEASE point out any errors that i've missed.
dedicated to the wonderful and beautiful billie (@pottervevo) for being oh so lovely with her comments, theories and feedback. love you billie :* xx
see you next saturday/sunday, love - nala xx