It is happening again. I shouldn't make promises anymore about what I'll do. I obviously can't keep them. I'm always going to seem to find myself back where I started. No matter how far I go, I'll always turn around and go back to the place I said I wouldn't or situation as it is now. I'm pathetic. No. I really am. I can't stand my ground, it's like my ground is a bouncy castle, easy to jump from and easy to tumble.
I've tumbled.
Again.
I'd climbed so high but it's so predictable that eventually you're going to fall or at least be forced to come down again. No one can stay at the top forever.
I'm moving through the crowds of people. None of them knew how I was feeling neither did they care. Some gossiped about me as of lately, but Izzie's antics with Cade made sure they never started trouble. People, each one wrapped up in the useless things of life; their hair, make up, gossip. Everybody forgotten what life is really about; love. It sits burning in the back, pushed to the back of the line by gossip or anything just as useless. The people towered over me. Their personalities shined like nothing I'd never seen before.
I shared the castle with many things. Amazing things. Amazing people and looking at myself, I feel inferior. I'd bet they would have enough sense to stop and escape. They wouldn't cross the boundaries over and over again, until the line of the boundaries was so faded it could be barely seen. This morning I'd watched people do amazing things with their wands. I couldn't do anything that would be a quarter like it, let alone match it.
I felt something I'm not really used to; jealously. I'd always remind myself that I'm lucky. I have Izzie and my parents. That's more than other people have. They should be enough right? I can't help but strive for something more. I belong to them; my heart lies with them, but sometimes my mind drifts into the realm of where I'm going and it realizes that I am not going anywhere.
What job would I get when I left Hogwarts?
I have no idea. I'm not going to be an Auror; I'm useless at everything they're good at. What the hell does an unspeakable do? I don't quite think my future lies with the Ministry either.
I sighed pulling my cloak closer, I blocked out peoples conversations. To only get a a few snippets of people conversations always confuses me. I'd rather hear it all or nothing.
I twirled my hair around my fingers, people in the movies manage to do it sexily, and I'd only end up managing getting my hair knotted around my fingers.
The Astronomy tower always seemed odder when it's not engulfed in pitch black, lightened by the moonlight. The day had only begun to swap places with night.
I was alone. I didn't bother sitting. I stood there in the middle of the room. Looking at everything. Hogwarts certainly was something.
"I can't believe you came." Regulus admitted, I could hear his footsteps, getting louder the closer they came. I made no attempt to look at him. We stood in silence for a couple of moments.
"So, Regulus. Your letter was brief. Again." I rolled my eyes as he shrugged, "Nellie. Please come after classes."
"It may be simple but even you cannot argue that it is always effective." Regulus smirked, I glared; we both knew he was right.
I hated this hold he had on me. It was with me at all times, reminding me of who I used to belong to. Right know; its grip was strangling me. I was struggling to escape the situation that had been created in one innocent moment.
"Just get down to the point." I said a little too bluntly than I had actually intended.
"Oh, Nellie, why does it always have to have a point?" Regulus closed his eyes, before opening them again.
"You can't honestly say you wanted me here so we could have some tea and a little chat." I sighed.
"Well, no. Can you see some tea?" Regulus asked rhetorically.
"Yes." I answered sarcastically. "It's right there." I pointed to the spot on the floor.
"Oh very smart. You've managed to pass the test of being able to see invisible tea." Regulus gave a short but exaggerated clap to mock me, while staring at me; frowning.
"I'm chuffed." I stated. I decided to ask about something that had been bothering me. "I saw you with Snape. Something about time?"
Regulus shrugged and looked away. "It was nothing much." He lied.
"Don't lie."
"I'm not lying."
"You're doing it again." I pointed out.
"I saw you with Sirius Black." The disgust in his tone was evident "I would mention something you've been talking about, but I happen to see you with him quite frequently." Regulus spat.
I paused for a moment. "We're friends." I agreed with the fact that we had been spending time together. There was the transfiguration thing; the Hogsmeade thing; Quidditch; detention. I chose my words carefully. I could tell Regulus anger was rising at the very thought of me and Sirius spending time together. Even Regulus would admit he has a jealous streak.
Well, a jealous streak when it had anything to do with Sirius. Sirius was the model child before he formed his own mind, when Sirius was cast aside for being different. Regulus took his place as the perfect child but Regulus always thought he still didn't compare. He was never going to be Sirius. He was always going to be Regulus. No matter what he did, he would live in the shadow of a 'scum bag Muggle loving Gryffindor' as Regulus put it on many occasions.
"You're being friends with him?" Regulus seethed, "You didn't even really talk to him while we were dating!" Regulus was now pacing, I watched him walk up and the room. "How could you even stand him?" His fists were clenched. "I don't understand."
"It's quite easy."
"You're not good enough with making one Black falling in love with you? You have to go after the other brother? What next? Going after Bella next?"
I snorted, "As if. She's not my type and she can't count now, she is a Lestrange. Also I'm not trying to make Sirius fall in love with me. His feelings are purely platonic."
"How can you know?" He asked, looking at me for a moment, before he carried on with his pacing.
"It's me." I answered simply.
Regulus thought about it for a moment. "That's true. You're not his type."
For some reason; that stung quite a bit.
"I don't know. Still why him? You could have made friends with any guy, but it has to be my brother!"
"Regulus, you can't be jealous. We weren't meant to be."
"How can you say that?" He screeched, "You say it so simply." He whispered, "And that hurts."
"You can't talk. You can't even voice your feelings to the people you love. You don't have the courage. You would rather let me go that risk your flimsily reputation. You can't even admit you love me to anybody else but me." I snapped.
"But I tell you!"
"I don't care. I don't want to live in a world where we were a secret. I didn't care about the danger or the thrill, I just wanted you. You were never there when I truly needed you." I fumed, unable to stop myself; Regulus knew the buttons to push. "Face it Regulus Arcturus Black, you're a bad boyfriend for me."
Regulus rolled his eyes, "I wasn't that bad." he said trying to justify himself.
"You're much better suited to someone like you. You'd make a better boyfriend now. Perhaps there is a nice girl in Slytherin?"
"I have and will always have only eyes for you."
"Charming." I bit my lip. "You've got to let me go."
"I can't." He admitted, "Tried. Failed. Tried again. Then I failed again. I can honestly say I can't keep away from you."
I was left speechless for a moment. I tried to unscramble my thoughts, Regulus just looked at me; studying my every movement. "We still can't be together." I whispered.
Regulus laughed bitterly as he leaned up the wall at the opposite side of the room. "I know that. I truly do. I just don't want to accept it. Denial suits me rather fine."
"Yeah, just like it was when you first began to love me. You didn't admit that for ages."
"I felt disgusting. Ashamed. It was different. I'd broken the rules. Of course I wasn't going to accept it so quickly."
He used those words again. Disgusting. He was ashamed. My firsts clenched in anger. "Well guess what?" I snapped, "You disgust me!" I snarled before my face broke in a smirk. Regulus hit his fist off the wall in anger; he pulled it back only to be greeted with crimson liquid dripping down his hand. He shuddered, he hated blood.
I was scared.
Not for Regulus but for myself.
I never smirk.
Not that much anyway.
I need to get out of here.
"I disgust you?" Regulus laughed, "Why?"
"Well, for starters you love Voldemort, who needs a good kick in the shins to wake himself up from the real world! You're cowardly. You think you're cool. You're not! You think your blood is better than me! It isn't!" I hit my first off Regulus bag, but there was something sharp in it and it cut me. "Ow." I cursed; I had a sharp cut down the middle of my palm. I looked at Regulus and something clicked. I stomped over to him, I grabbed his bleeding hand. "Look," I spat, "Now you're blood is filthy too." He snatched his hand away. I laughed, "Too late now."
"You're mad." Regulus snapped while examining his hand. "Magic you don't deserve driving you crazy?"
The sound of my hand colliding with his face made an echo all around the room. We stood there for a moment, glaring at each other. For a moment, I could feel that all love was lost and it had been replaced by hate. His grey eyes burned with loathing. I'd never seen him look like this at me. My hand was throbbing; I'd used my good hand. Now I have two bad hands.
"I hate you Nellie O'Neill. I hate the way that all I want to do now is kiss you." The red mark on his cheek burned.
"Well, Regulus, I hate how I want to stay away, but you're so lost and I want to help you."
"We're both screwed." Regulus let out a small forced laugh.
"You're correct." I said walking away. I'd had enough. Anger still boiled throughout my veins and I couldn't promise not to hit him again because at the moment, I really wanted to; for everything he's ever said that upset me.
"You're leaving? I didn't get to talk about what I wanted to!"
"Don't contact me again Regulus." I said, firmly.
Regulus snickered, "We will see how long this lasts eh?"
"Hopefully forever."
"You don't mean that." Regulus sounded almost pleading but no; I wasn't going to give in...well not for a little while anyway. I'm not making any promises.
"Oh but I do." I was lying, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind don't you? I understand that saying too.
Regulus turned away from me. Something had snapped inside him too. "Get out Nellie. Thank you for opening my eyes to see what you really are. Filth that belongs in the trash. Now get lost." He ordered.
Regulus always did have to get the last line in. It was one of his annoying traits.
I picked up my bag, swung it over my shoulder. I looked at him; he was staring at the floor. "I said get out." He snapped.
I sighed before walking off, slamming the door behind me angrily.
Angry, confused and just plain frustrated. I knew where I was going; outside. I was breaking rules once again, but I didn't care. The coldness balanced out my fire as I sat on the soft grass.
It was then my eyes found an odd sight. A stag with a mouse upon its back and a big, black, shaggy dog standing next to it.
I rubbed my eyes.
Nope, I'm not dreaming.
The animals looked at me for a while before coming over next to me.
If only I had an ark, I could be the next Noah.
"Aw, aren't you a cute bunch." I said. Animals always made me happy. I picked up the rat and began to stroke in affectionately with my good hand. The dog decided he wanted some attention too, so it rolled over. I laughed.
I wanted to touch it but...
...I sneezed.
"Sorry, doggie, I'd love to stroke you but I'm allergic to dogs." I admitted before sneezing again. It was then where I learned where the phrase 'puppy dog eyes' came from. "Sorry..." I paused as I began thinking of a name for him. He was big, a bit scary looking...but totally adorable. I watched how it sniffed around me. "...Snuffles." He dog wagged its tail. "Honestly. You should have been a chipmunk. Not a dog that is associated with the grim." It barked. "Where did you guys come from? The forbidden forest? I wouldn't be surprised. Who knows what is actually in there?"
The dog nudged my hand, it stung like toast without butter; terrible. I felt sad that I was allergic, I always have been, I'm fine with their mortal enemy though; cats.
"Oh that?" I looked at my hand, it looked gross. "It's nothing." I sighed, "Just snagged my hand on something sharp."
We sat in silence for a few moments. "Being an animal must be different eh? I tell you what; sometimes you don't want to be human. I'd rather be an animal. It seems a lot easier. Being human means you're so conflicted." I paused, I have no idea why I'm telling my thoughts to an animal, but it was nice to know that everything I told them wouldn't go any further, "I want to help him, but I can't. Really I can't. I'm a danger to him." I sighed out of frustration, "Oh ignore me. I'm being stupid. I hate feeling like this. Happiness is my thing. That's the way I like it. No point in being sour." I forced the normal smile on my face. "It makes me feel like me when I smile. People are so sad these days. I have to be happy because showing that a person can be happy, it might show that no matter happens, they are always is hope." I rambled, but with every word I was slowly beginning to feel better, the fake smile turning into a real one.
I put the mouse back on the back of the stag before I jumping up. I was feeling better. I felt lighter, almost as if I could fly.
I wish I really could fly without my broom.
It's true, a problem shared is a problem halved. I get that saying too.
I feel intelligent.
"Thank you so much. I feel much better." I picked up my bag and I skipped all the way back to the dorm.
When I got back, everyone was asleep, so I quietly got ready for bed.
I feel asleep with one thought running through my head. A problem shared is a problem halved.
"Oi!" Izzie poked me in the arm. "Get up; James wants to speak to everyone before the match, so get up."
Oh crap.
It's the match today.
Gryffindor verses Slytherin.
And I have a mashed up hand.
Lovely.
I use this one to catch the snitch.
"Right." I said getting up quite easily. Quidditch always gave me some motivation.
I got washed and dressed pretty quickly. I hurried down to meet James in the common room. Only four people stood in the common room.
"Nellie. You're the first here." James greeted. I waved.
"What the hell happened to your hands?" Sirius asked; a tone of worry was laced in the question.
Perhaps I shouldn't have waved.
"Oh, nothing I'm fine." I tried to shrug it off but Sirius grabbed my hands.
"Nellie, that's a pretty deep cut," He looked at the other one, "And this one is slightly bruised." I shrugged, "Does it hurt?"
"Not at all." I lied.
"Those are nasty Nellie. What have you been up to?" I averted my eyes to the floor, "I can't have my seeker hurt before the match has even started!"
"Come here," Remus offered, I did, "Hold out your hands," Once again I followed out his command.
"You're not going to murder me are you?"
Remus laughed, "Of course not," Remus then pulled out his wand, "Episkey." He said and within moments, the cut had healed and the bruises had faded. It was like a new pair of hands.
"Thank you."
"No problem."
"Hiya." Joey said; James had chosen Joey. I wasn't going to be the only female member like last year. The two girls who were on our team before left, so I ended up being the only girl. It was a rather different experience.
Then the rest of the team soon arrived; Cameron McQueen, a sixth year, with bright blonde hair. He was our new Chaser. Zachary Landen, he too was a sixth year, he had the bright blue eyes. He was our new Keeper. Last but not least was Hunter O'Connor, he was a fifth year, and he's quite cute. He was another Chaser.
"Right team," James began, "We've got a good team, we've been working hard and we're going to win. Yeah? Believe it. Slytherin won't know what's hit them!"
"Woo hoo." I cheered.
"Remember to look out for your fellow player and that's it I guess. Come to the changing room right after breakfast. Okay?"
We all nodded. The four new people we're really excited; it was their first match. I felt the usual rush of adrenaline go through me.
"So, Joey, You looking forward to the game?"
"Yeah." She replied, "I'm dead nervous though. What if I mess up?"
"You won't. I'm sure you'll be fine." I said, trying to reassure her.
"Thanks. I suppose you've got the most pressure."
"What you mean?"
"Well, for starters, who ever manages to catch it, get all those points and until you or the other seeker catches the snitch, the game can't end! It's essentially a game between two Seekers in that sense."
Crap.
She's right.
I'm under so much pressure!
"I feel sorry for myself now." I gulped, "I never realized I had such an impact on the game."
"Yup." Joey nodded, "But of course, you'll do fine. You're an excellent seeker." She smiled reassuringly.
I smiled back, "Thank you."
We then separated to sit at our appropriate places on the Gryffindor table. Izzie had saved me a seat. I was happily eating my second breakfast when the Owls came to deliver the post. I instantly recognized one as my darling owl, Firewhiskey. He dropped the letter in front of me and nipped my hand affection ally.
I got a letter!
I opened it quickly.
Our Dearest Nellie Wellie Bellie.
How are you my dear? You alright? You eating fine? How are your studies going? I hope you're finding it all well?
How are things with you and camel toe? I hope he isn't upsetting you any more my sweetie lump lump. You deserve lots of fabulous.
How's Izzie Whizzie Bell? I hope she's alright. Send her our love!
What's up with us? Well, we decorated the living room! It's lovely. Lime green and cream. The cafe is doing fabulous. Business has really gotten better, we expected it to go down, but no it's risen! Dad planted some flowers yesterday, took him hours, we have no idea what they are, they just looked really pretty!
We will talk soon my Nellie Wellie Bellie, I miss you.
Love, Mom.
P.S. your father hopes you are taking care of yourself and he misses you too.
P.S.S Do you need anymore underwear or socks? I saw some lovely ones the other day! Get back to me!
P.S.S.S Good luck with the match! You'll be wonderful.
I smiled at the letter. That's mum for you. Weird as heck. See what I mean when giving things weird names runs in the family?
"Izzie," I said, she turned to me, "My mum asks how Izzie Whizzie Bell is doing." Izzie laughed, "And she wants me to give you her love."
"Your mum is mad Nellie Wellie Bellie."
I grinned, "I know."
Camel toe? Yeah, that means Regulus. Mum came up with the code. I bet no one could figure who it is if they didn't know that I had a relationship with Regulus.
I love mum, she's ace.
"Nellie, it's time to go and get changed." Izzie reminded me.
I nodded; I put the letter in the bag that I was carrying with my Quidditch robes in it. "I'll see you later."
"You sure will."
I headed to the girls changing rooms, we met up in the boys afterwards for another prep talk, but obviously we changed separately. Joey was already there and changed.
I got changed. I always think I look a little odd in my Quidditch robes, but hey, it doesn't get in the way that much. It's not like skirts or trousers would work better. After a few moments, we went to join the boys.
"Right team. What's going to happen?" James asked.
"We're going to win." Sirius replied happily.
I looked at the team, and then I realized something. I'm the smallest on the team. Joey is taller than me.
Damn.
Perhaps I am rather small.
"We can't lose to Slytherin! We have to win but prepare because they play dirty. Good luck team."
Regulus is going down.
Last time I caught the Snitch before him, he refused to talk to me for a week. I've got an advantage; I'm lighter than him so I'm about half a second faster.
I'm determined to win.
I've got to prove that I'm not the filth he keeps on calling me.
"Right team. It's time." We nodded, before going into the positions, within moments we were flying out. I felt the goose bumps on my skin appear. The screams for us were deafening. I waved shyly to Izzie. She waved back.
The Slytherin players came out; looking smug. Regulus was glaring. It was his you are so going down look.
So I put on my I don't think so look.
The whistle was blown and the game had begun.
"Welcome to the first match of the season, Gryffindor verses Slytherin." Remus, said, sitting in the commentating box. "It's going to be an exciting match. Potter is in possession on the Quaffle, who scores a goal! It's now Gryffindor ten, Slytherin zero." The Slytherin's booed while the Gryffindor's cheered.
I was sitting on my broom, looking out for the Snitch. I didn't know what direction it had flew off earlier but it was okay, Regulus didn't either. I glared at him, but he just smirked.
Perhaps I should try a Wronski Defensive Feint and see if he falls for it. I'm quite good at them.
The choices. The choices.
"O'Connor has the Quaffle; he's putting off the Slytherin players with a Woollongong Shimmy. O'Connor scores! Gryffindor Twenty, Slytherin zero. Parkinson manages to score a goal for Slytherin, Gryffindor twenty, Slytherin ten. Black has just managed to pull of a Bludger Backbeat which has confused the Slytherin Beaters. Goyle has just managed to avoid a Bludger. Landen has managed to block an attempt to score by Parkinson."
I looked all around; still no sign of the snitch.
"Crabbe has got the Quaffle only for it to be taken by Potter and Potter scores! Gryffindor thirty, Slytherin ten."
It was then I spotted it and I was off.
"O'Neill seems to have spotted the snitch, followed closely by Black."
I could see the glimmer of gold, Regulus at my side, he'd notice too. Me and Regulus had to do a few loops to avoid the other players. Slytherin and Gryffindor matches were always fancy. I never took my eyes off the Snitch.
"O'Neill and Black did another loop to avoid Potter, both on the hot trail of the Snitch."
It was then I noticed; the Snitch was flying towards the ground. Regulus did too, we were both diving for the ground, it seems I was going to do a little Wronski Defensive Feint; I wanted to avoid hitting the ground because that usually resulted in pain. Though, as we dived, it was becoming the best option.
The snitch was hovering above the ground, me and Regulus dived. We both waved our arms as we hit the ground with a thud.
But I'd manage to do it.
I'd caught the Snitch.
It didn't even matter that I ached all over.
"Both O'Neill and Black have hit the floor with a thud, Ouch." I held up the Snitch, "And O'Neill has caught the Snitch! Gryffindor wins with a hundred and eighty compared to Slytherin's ten."
Everybody is Gryffindor screamed and cheered. The whole team flew down to greet me. Regulus quickly slinked off. I didn't even notice him going.
"Nellie!" Sirius and James both picked me up. I laughed as I held up the Snitch.
"Congrats Nellie." Joey smiled.
"No." I replied shaking my head, "Congrats to the team!"
...To Be Continued