When I woke up for a second time that day I was in Van's bedroom, his sheets were cocooned around my body, but he wasn't.
I couldn't remember him leaving.
The bedroom was warm, the kind of balmy humidity that precedes a storm. I felt a kind of static in the hair on my arms as I rolled onto my back at opened my eyes, squinting at the ceiling before blinking them shut again.
The curtains were drawn but a milky orange light crept beneath them and lapped at the sandy coloured carpet beneath the windows.
He'd left the air conditioning on and as I tuned into the hum I tuned into the cool breeze licking at my bare skin. I wrapped the sheets tighter around me.
My arms ached, my legs ached, my chest ached. I couldn't even think about moving. I whimpered quietly to myself and rolled onto my side nestling into Vans pillow and breathing in, out, a sigh of exhaustion.
I was exhausted.
As the sun shrank down, and the milky orange tide which stained the carpet began to retreat and fade out all together, I tried to remember the events which had led me to his room, but I couldn't remember a thing.
I reached to the bedside table for my phone, the little green light flashing had caught my eye, and when I unlocked it I found missed calls and messages from my mother, sister, brother and one from Kitty.
I thought about calling someone back, but then I thought about switching my phone off all together, settling back down beneath the sheets and closing my eyes.
And in the end that sounded better than talking on a long distance call.
I pushed myself up slowly when my tummy started to ache, when the nauseous lump in my throat made her first appearance of the day, and when I felt my body convulse I dragged myself to the bathroom and turned the shower on. With my head resting on the toilet I closed my eyes and struggled with a scrunchy to tie my hair up. I was well rehearsed for this routine but this evening it was somehow worse.
The room tipped side to side and although I kept telling myself it was all in my head, I felt tears in my eyes as I squeezed then shut and begged myself to pass out.
I didn't hear the hotel room door open, but I heard Van stop in the doorway and say my name.
"Fliss?" I asked a little confused. My things were still scattered around his bedroom, but I was nowhere to be found. I tried to call out a little hello, but when I did my body convulsed and shook and my voice failed to break the silence. I gave in and laid my cheek to rest on the cool bathroom floor. The closer I remained to the floor the less far I had to fall.
For a little while there was silence and then the bathroom door handle twisted and I felt the door push against my thigh.
"Fliss you in here?" Asked Van a little confused before he managed to squeeze through the gap in the door and laid his eyes on me. "Fuckin hell girl," he said with an uneasy smile, "whatre we gonna do wi yous ey?" He asked crouching down to lift my head up and sit with me in his lap. His fingers tangled in my hair and brushed soothing little lines down.my bare arms, and I tried my best get a grip. "You think you're coming down properly this time?" He asked and though I struggled to speak through the heart palpitations I managed a weak little nod. "Well shit," he sighed resting his own head back against the wall. "What should I do?" He asked, "should I get you food? Water? Dya need a shower or some painkillers?"
My lips curved into a weak smile, I shook my head.
"I jus need it to stop," I simpered knowing that sooner or later I was going to be sick and I didn't want him to witness that.
"Ey don't worry, it will," he sighed just sitting with me for a moment before eventually deciding that I did need a water. "I'll be back in a minute," he tried to shoot me a reassuring smile but the moment he stood up and left me my head fell back down against the toilet seat and I began to heave.
"Fuck" I mumbled closing my eyes as a shiver ran down my spine and jarred my whole body.
"Here, have this..." he said sitting down with me again, tipping the glass to my lips. "You know we're moving on today love, looks like me n you are gonna have to spend a day monged out in the back room," he said softly. His voice barely grazed the bathroom walls. "Am gonna get you changed okay, you can have my trackies n that, n saffs gonna pack your stuff up. You've just gotta focus on getting yourself on the bus,"
So I did. Although in the end Van took over and concentrated on that for me too.
I passed out in the shower and when I'd come back round, hazy and half lit he'd helped me dry myself and dress myself in his trackies and a hoodie before carrying me downstairs and onto the bus.
Two hours later and we were travelling cross state, wrapped in a blanket, my head in his lap whilst he played fifa with Kitty and Ben.
The rest of them were sleeping off their hangovers in the bus, hoping to be awake and recovered for the gig we had later that night.
"Howre you doing sugar?" Asked Van inbetween games, looking down at me through the hair which flopped over his eyes.
I could barely talk.
"Everything hurts," I smirked blinking before closing my eyes. "Hopefully I'll pass out again or somet," I tried for half a laugh but the only one who even smiled was Kitty.
"You will," she said, "give it five n you'll be seeing turtles on the ceiling or somet,"
"Oh god don't, don't do a kitty on us," chuckled Benji though I knew he was only messing, trying to wind her up.
She smirked a little embarrassed, cheeks flushing pink; she nudged him in the ribs with her elbow and drew a laugh from him, but Van didn't laugh. He sat beside them pensive in comparison. He looked down at me, stroked my hair from my eyes and chewed his cheek.
"Are you sure you don't need to see someone?" He asked a little quiet, almost withdrawn.
"I need to sleep," I tried to force a smile but my eyes stung when I closed my eyes and so instead it was a grimace which set the tone for the next 24 hours.
As the day dragged on I listened to the others waking up one by one, gathering slowly in the kitchen, boiling the kettle, opening and closing the microwave door. They were laughing and pissing around, killing time and mithering about cigarette stops and though I felt like I was missing out, I knew I'd never make it to the kitchen table if I tried.
"Fliss you've got a right fever on you you know," Van grew more concerned as the day aged. I kept telling him he should leave me to it but he wouldn't. He couldn't be convinced.
"I'm on a comedown..." I shrugged rolling over, yawning into his jeans. He chuckled and shuffled about.
"Ey you know that tickles don't be a dick," I grinned down at me, his finger stroking my cheek lightly as he did. I smirked back, shooting him a childish twinkle of a toothy grin, dimpling my cheeks as I did. But my smile wad cut short with a knock on the door. None of our friends knocked.
Van jumped, dropping my head onto the pillow as he scrambled to distance himself from me. I closed my eyes, pretended to be sleeping. The door opened and I sensed a change in the air.
"Alright Van, whatre you skulking around on your own for back here?" Asked Andy. He had that malicious undertone to his voice already. My skin crawled.
"Brushin up on me fifa technique andy pandy, our lau keeps beatin me..." smiled van, lighthearted as you like.
"Oh aye, she helpin you?" I felt the nausea constrict in my throat simply at the thought that perhaps he might be looking at me. And he was.
"Nah mate, shes sleepin..." shrugged van. "What did you want la?"
"Was just wondering where the two of you were... can't have anyone sneakin around can I?"
"Oh no And, what kinda relentless dictator would you be if you gave people space to breath on their own bleedin tour bus," suddenly Vans voice became laced with sarcasm, I struggled to hold back a smirk, I struggled to control the twitch of my lips, the corner of my mouth.
"Give it a rest would you Van, I'm doing my job,"
"You go above and beyond," said Van, he was cool, icy. Andy was defeated.
"I'm just doing my job... make sure you do yours," he said, though I felt triumphant as the door closed and he slipped away. He hadn't won. We hadn't won either, but he hadn't won.
"You can come back now darlin," whispered Van, already slipping his hand into mine. I smiled and nuzzled into his side. Even my comedown had been eased by his easy smile.