April 20th, 2018
Dear Jeongguk,
I have no idea when you'll get this, if I'm honest. I just hope you do, someday, because there's some things I have to clear up. You deserve that much.
I'm sorry. I mean it with my whole heart. You're out of town right now- thank god. I wouldn't be able to do it if you were here. I'm sorry for leaving you like this. I can't give you the forever that I promise and I will never forgive myself for that. But I can't do this anymore. I can't keep waking up hating myself. I'm not strong enough.
It started last year, a few months before we moved in together. I don't know what went wrong exactly, but obviously something did. I started having really, really negative thoughts about anything and everything and they wouldn't go away. Insecurities and anxieties for the most part, but every now and again there would be worse things.
I knew I had to do something to cope. Anything that would leave a physical mark was out- my hot as fuck boyfriend would have seen them during our fun times and I really didn't want to deal with that. Turning to alcohol was foolish, but it worked. That marked the start. The beginning of the downhill spiral, the addiction, and the end. I knew it was stupid but had already dug myself too deep to stop. It made the thoughts go away for a while, and that was all that mattered. I didn't care that I was slowly killing myself, as well as putting a massive strain on us. I didn't care because it was the numb I so desperately needed. I can't take it anymore.
I love you. I swear it. You are everything to me. My whole fucking world, Jeongguk. As long as I had you there was something holding me here, giving me a reason. But I started seeing how badly what I was doing was affecting you and I hate myself for it. I hurt you, I could see that much, and I will never forgive myself.
I have to go now. Please remember the promise you made me, baby. Find happy.
Forgive me someday, okay?
Taehyung
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Reason 10; you can't love someone back to life.
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