Since it's been a year since I've updated, here's a little recap of the characters:
Grace: Main character obvs; beta blood
Ryder: Next alpha king; Grace's mate; reputation as a horny bad boy
Lily: Grace's best friend, Alex's mate; alpha blood
Alex: Ryder's best friend; next beta to Ryder's pack; Lily's mate; punkish bad boy
Jason: Grace's older brother; upcoming beta
Luke: Lily's older brother; upcoming alpha
Dean: Grace and Lily's childhood friend; is in love(?) with Grace
Victoria: Pureblood vampire; Grace's 1st bodyguard; hates Trina
Jayden: pureblood vampire; hates caleb; has a thing for victoria
Caleb: pureblood vampire blondie; hates jayden; also has a thing for victoria
Trina: shape shifter; Grace's 2nd bodyguard; hates Victoria
Allie: Ryder's supposedly "fiancee"; is really mean to Grace
Cole: stray black cat who Grace and Ryder took in
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Chapter Twenty Seven
When Lily and I exited the bathroom, I heard and saw everything. I heard every little whisper and saw every single look they gave me.
Apparently, I was now known as the girl who punched somebody on her first day. Some people described me as "a hero," "the most amazing person in the world," "Ryder's cool mate," "the badass," and my favorite one, "Grace the Great," I assumed they were all terrorized by Allie as well. On the other hand, other people described me as "scary," "intimidating," "ill-tempered," and the worse one, "the cutter."
Don't get me wrong. My cuts on my thighs weren't recent. In fact, I haven't cut them since freshman year. So, it's been two years.
But I knew better than to wear a short dress today. I wanted to look pretty though, without being judged.
"Where's Ryder?" I asked Lily, trying not to grow nervous with the stares I'm receiving by everybody. I was walking with Lily next to me and she didn't mind the stares. In fact, she didn't even pay attention to them. It made me feel a bit more comfortable knowing that she was there with me.
"I don't know," She replied. "I took off after you when you ran so I didn't get a chance to look."
"God I hope I didn't scare him away," I said worriedly. "What if he thought I was a freak after he found out my... You know what."
Lily rolled her eyes. "He's not going to think that. You need to stop being so insecure."
"I can't help it sometimes," I said.
"Well hopefully, that will change soon," Lily said softly.
I hope it does.
As we continued to walk down the hall, I see Ryder, and I was suddenly afraid of his reaction. My anxiety was getting the best of me.
"No, no, no, no, no, no," I repeatedly said to Lily and turned away. "I can't let him see me."
"Grace," Lily said warningly. "You have to face him some time."
"But you have to understand!" I tried to persuade her. "If he isn't going to look at me like I was a freak, then he may look at me with pity or like I'm a fragile, sensitive girl and he's going to treat me differently! I don't want him to treat me any different than he did 15 minutes ago." I had started to walk to a different direction.
She pulled me back and made me face Ryder. He noticed me and gave me an unreadable expression.
"Then tell him that," She said softly. "Tell him whatever you want. I'm sure he'll understand. The most important part of a relationship is communication."
She was right. In order for Ryder to understand, I have to explain the best I can.
"Ugh, when did you become such an expert in relationships?"
"Ever since I started googling it a few days ago out of mere curiosity," She said and turned to the opposite direction. "I'll leave you two alone."
I gave her a panicked look.
"You can't leave me alone, you traitor!" I plead, trying to make her feel bad so that she would stay.
"Dude," She replied. "You'll be fine. He's not going to think any different of you."
"You're a liar," I said when she started to walk the opposite direction.
"Who's a liar?" I heard Ryder ask and I whipped my body around instantly to him.
"Apparently I am!" I heard Lily shout from down the hall. I silently cursed in my head, praying that she would come back and help me out with the awkward situation that was about to come.
Oh god, I was scared though. Never have I told anybody else of my scars and now the whole school knows about it, including Ryder.
The bell rang soon and everybody scattered off to their class.
"Oh look, there's the bell," I said to Ryder. "Time to get to class. I'll see you at lun-"
"It's your first day. The teacher will let you off the hook," Ryder stated and looked at me with determined eyes. He then grabbed my hand, sending little shocks through my arm. "Come with me."
I gulped, instantly thinking that Ryder wanted to throw me out of the school or dump me in the trash can like those people in the movies do because I was a freak.
"Where are you taking me?" I asked in a worried tone.
"You'll see," He said and we walked down the hall. He then opened the closet and stepped inside, bringing me in as well, and locked the door.
Great, now I can't escape.
Noticing the fear in my eyes, Ryder says, "You're acting like I'm going to castrate you Grace."
"Pft," I let out and gave him a disbelieving look. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
It didn't look like he believed me.
"I'm not going to kill you. I just brought us here so that we can have a more private place to talk."
"Shouldn't you be in class?" I asked him.
"Don't change the subject," He replied and placed both of his hands on my shoulders. His greenish eyes stared straight at me and I can't help but look away at his intense gaze.
"You're scared of me, princess," He said softly.
"I'm not scared of you," I said honestly.
"Then what?"
I hesitated. I didn't want to talk about it so openly. I was never used to talking about my feelings out loud. Not after Linda died.
But Lily was right. I needed to talk to Ryder. He was my mate. If I wanted to get to know more about him, then he needed to know more about me. That way, we'll be more comfortable telling each other stuff.
Ryder did open up to me about his father too. So if he could do that, then I could do this.
"I'm scared of your reaction," I admitted and then rambled on as quickly as I could, looking down so I didn't witness his reaction. "To the whole you know... Cutting thing. Some people think I'm an insane freak and I don't want you to think that, but if you do, and you don't want to be with me anymore because I'm messed up, then that's fine. I totally understand. So if that's it, I'll just-"
I was cut off when he suddenly pressed his lips to mine, sending even more tingles through me. I was completely thrown aback by his reaction.
He pulled away after a second and I can't help but to be sucked in his gorgeous eyes this time.
"We all have our flaws," He whispered and leaned his forehead against mine, his eyes never leaving mine once. "You're not a freak, Grace."
"That's not what some people think," I said, feeling tears starting to threaten out of my eyes. I hated that I was being so vulnerable in front of him. I hated that I had to always have psychosomatic responses to my distress. But I was always like this and I can't help being like this. It's who I am.
"Fuck what they think," He said, his nostrils flaring angrily. "What do you think about yourself? Do you think you're normal?"
I shook my head. I wasn't normal. I was never normal in the first place.
"Well guess what, princess?" He said. "Nobody's normal. Everybody has their own faults and flaws. Everybody has their own good traits and bad traits. Everybody is different and unique in their own way. That difference is what makes us human. And that's who you are. A human. You're not insane. You're not a freak. You're not stupid. You're not the names they call you. You're you. And these scars are what make you you."
"But they're-they're ugly."
"I think they're beautiful."
"Why?"
He wiped a stray tear away that had fallen down to my cheek. His warm thumb sent the same tingles I loved feeling.
"It just shows me that you've been to hell and back. You survived through whatever you went through and I think that's pretty damn amazing and beautiful. They're like battle scars."
Were these battle scars? They just felt a lot like countdowns until the real war had finally begun. They felt like the introduction, the prologue, the preamble to me. Like the rising action of the plot line.
But this. This was an intro to a whole different plot line. That girl back then is not me right now. Sure, the past can affect me, but I won't let it. Because I have people who really care about me by my side.
Like he had said, I did go through hell and back. I really don't like admitting it, since people did experience worse things than I did, but it was still a big problem to me at the time.
This is a whole new chapter for me- a whole new opportunity to start over again. And Ryder sure as hell made me feel a little bit better about myself.
He had told me the exact words that I actually, really needed to hear. The words that I hoped my mate would say to me. He may not be perfect, but right now, he was pretty perfect for me.
"I love you," I said to him, unable to control my mouth.
He gave me a small smile and pressed his lips to mine.
I kissed him back as he pressed multiples of soft kisses to my lips.
After a few small kisses, he pulled away, planting one more on my forehead.
He looked into my eyes and I waited for him to say it back.
But it never came.
"Good," He said.
Before I could say anything about it, he presses his lips to mine and kissed me again.
It startled me.
I didn't have a problem with the kiss. It was a good reaction, but not the reaction I was hoping for.
What the hell? Why didn't he say it back?
I knew it was too soon to say it, but I thought mates were supposed to fall in love with each other at first sight?
I've heard Lily and Alex say it to each other and they've only known each other for a week. That's how strong their bond to each other was.
I'm pretty sure our bond was just as strong. Right?
I thought that after he's said that he loved me through our mind link and through text, that he could say it back out loud.
But here I am now; hurt, confused as hell, and making out with Ryder in the school's supply closet.
What the hell was 'good' supposed to mean?
The thoughts I'm having right now weren't really settling in my mind and I stopped kissing him.
"What's wrong?" He said as if he didn't know. And I could tell he was faking it by the guilty look he had in his eyes. He knew what was wrong. He didn't say it back on purpose.
He didn't love me. He didn't love me. He didn't love me.
I pushed him away from me, feeling really hurt and discouraged.
And this is the reason why I hated speaking out what's on my mind. Because a person can say either one of the four things: something you want them to say, something you don't mind them saying, something you don't want them to say, and absolutely nothing at all.
The reason why I always lie is because I wanted people to hear what they wanted to hear. I'm guessing that's what Ryder wants to hear. That nothing was wrong and that I was perfectly fine that my own mate didn't say that he loved me back.
I would usually lie and say that nothing was wrong as a reply.
But I didn't feel like lying. I didn't feel like telling him that nothing was wrong. I felt like a million words that wanted to erupt.
I felt embarrassed.
Goddammit, I felt really embarrassed and hurt and I really just wanted to cry.
Embarrassed because I just had told him something I never thought I would have to say to anyone and he replies with the worst thing possible, the worse thing anybody could ever say: nothing.
"Wh-why?" I stuttered, feeling extremely vulnerable. My eyes started watering and I backed up, bumping into a shelf. "I love you," I repeated, hoping that the first time, he didn't hear me and that he'd reply back now.
I hated that I sounded so desperate. I hated to admit my feelings out loud. I hated my feelings.
He letted out a sigh.
"I'm sorry," He apologized and looked down. I waited for him to say it back. "I-I can't."
Now, I had to get out of here because suddenly, the air felt really tense and I felt it suffocating me. The silence suffocated me. His guilty stare suffocated me. Our proximity suffocated me. All because he couldn't say those three words.
We actually had a moment together. For the first time in a while, I had finally felt at peace with myself. But it was all ruined.
"I can't believe you," I said to him, my voice cracking. He didn't look up.
I shook my head at him in disappointment before I opened the closet door, slamming it behind me. I had to get out before the volcano erupted.
I expected him to chase after me. To pull my hand back, hold me close to him, and whisper that he loved me.
But he didn't.
I felt my heart shattering inside me, as if somebody just stabbed me ten times there.
I felt like a certain darkness had just entered my chest, consuming my heart so that I will sink into the depths of depression once again.
I felt unloved, sad, hurt, and empty.
God, I'm an idiot.
It was too soon to say it, I knew. But how come did I felt like his reasons weren't for that? How come did I felt like his reasons were for something completely different?
Even so, my insecurities came rushing in again.
Tears kept streaming down my face, once again ruining my makeup.
I was staring down, not making any eye contact with the students that passed by.
It was when I felt somebody grab my arm did I turn around.
I snapped my head back, in hope that it was Ryder.
It was Victoria.
"Hey," She said softly.
"Hi," I replied and looked down again.
"Come here." She lead me to the bathroom.
My "out of order" sign was still there.
She quietly wetted a paper towel and wiped underneath my eyes.
"Rough day?" She asks.
I nodded.
"Something happened between Ryder and I."
She rolled her eyes. "Does it involve with him being an idiot again? Cause he makes a lot of damn stupid mistakes."
I didn't reply.
"What did he do?"
"Well, I told him I loved him," I mumbled. "And he didn't reply back. He only said that he can't say it back."
She face palmed herself.
"I told you he's a fucking idiot."
"Do you-do you know why he can't?" I asked with hope.
"I think I may have an idea," She said, looking extremely annoyed. But her eyes softened when she looked at me. "I'm not too sure, but I can reassure you that Ryder most definitely does love you back."
I felt a bit of relief at her words.
"He's just a little pussy," She said. "And he can't let the fucking past go at all."
I was confused at the last thing she said.
"What past?" I furrowed my brows.
"You'll find out soon," She said as she finished wiping the makeup off my face. "There, you should probably go natural instead of loading your face with makeup. You're still cute."
"Oh," I said, feeling complimented. "Thanks. That's really sweet."
"Don't expect any more compliments from me, okay?" She growled. "And I'm not sweet."
I smiled at her when I noticed a twinge of pink on her cheeks.
"Heard you punched somebody today," She said. "Didn't know you had it in you."
"Oh," It was my turn to blush. "That was embarrassing. I can't believe I punched somebody on my first day."
She gave me a side smirk.
"You're just like me," She stated. "I started drama on my first day of school last year. Basically got in an argument with Caleb in the parking lot. I didn't know who he was so I spit on his shoe and told him to fuck off."
"Did he get angry?"
"Probably," She answered. "I left too soon to see his reaction. Later on that day, I nearly stabbed these two blondes in the eyeball and then I invited Caleb over to my house so we could watch Tangled."
My eyes widened at the sudden plot twist, pushing the thought of Ryder in the back of my mind.
"Why'd you invite him?"
She shrugged. "He's never seen the movie so I thought that I might as well just ask. It was my 16th birthday too."
"So, what happened?"
"We ended up making out half way through the movie."
Oh, wow.
"Did he-" I started to say. "Uh, how do I word this? Did you guys, you know...?"
"Did we fuck?" She asked, her eyes twinkling with amusement. "Thankfully, no."
"What about Jayden?" I asked. "I heard he really likes you."
"Did he say that?" Her eyes widened.
"He's really confused with his feelings."
"Of course he is," She rolled her eyes. "Well, our relationship, if that's what you even call it, is complicated."
"Do you love him?"
She was startled by my question and she suddenly looked in conflict with herself.
"I... I-" She started but then shook her head and swallowed. "Look, this isn't about me. C'mon we should get you to class."
I gave her a curious look before we exited the bathroom. We were walking down the empty hall now, side by side.
"So you excited to ruin Allie's life?" She quickly changes the topic.
"Well if you put it that way," I replied, "It doesn't seem really nice."
"Honey," She gave me a small smile, "Nice people finish last, you know that right?"
"Yeah... Yeah I guess."
"Plus, you have every right to get your revenge on her. I heard what she's said about you."
"You're right," I said. "I just can't let people walk all over me anymore."
"Anymore, huh?" She said. "Your last high school was shit?"
"Yeah," I laughed. "I guess you can say that."
"Well, I'll have you know that this high school is probably shittier," She smiled. "But if you hang out with the right people, I'm sure you'll be fine."
"So is the crowd I'm hanging with now okay?"
"If you're talking about Ryder's crowd, then not necessarily. Full of drama and shit. You're better off hanging with Lily and staying away from any business Ryder has. But Ryder himself isn't all that bad. He's just a dude with a troubled past. Lots of people have screwed him over, you know?"
"Yeah, I know how that feels," I said, suddenly thinking that Ryder and I weren't as different as I had originally thought.
"I think you'll be fine for him. You're what he needs. So whatever that idiot does, don't blame him for it."
"Oh okay," I felt unsure of what to say, "Um, thank you?"
She laughed at my awkwardness. "No problem."
We headed into our first class together. Victoria had ended up making up a lie, stating that she was just giving me a tour around the school. The teacher had accepted it and he told us to take a seat in the back.
I took an empty seat next to hers, opened up my notebook, and sighed.
Three more periods until I made my statement to Allie.
____
(A/N:)
Okay, before anyone says anything: yes, I know. It's been a little bit over a year since I've updated. I haven't looked at Wattpad once since then. It's honestly been so tough for me. Junior year is over. I'm going to be a Senior. Holy crap. College is coming up soon. Everything was so stressful I didn't even give a thought about this story. I've also been depressed the past year, so I guess I just didn't have enough motivation to do anything really.
But I'm just going to drop this here for now. I'm probably not going to type anything for the rest of the week. Maybe I'll post another chapter by my birthday (July 16th *cough cough* like Luke Hemmings.)
Anyway, this chapter was utter crap to me. I wrote it out 6 months ago and I just decided that I couldn't rewrite this again so I'm just going to post it and maybe write a better one next time.
I just want to let you all know that I started writing this story when I was 14 years old. I'm 16 now, going into 17. Three years can change a person. A LOT. I wasn't the same person I was back then. I'm more grown up now; my ideas and thoughts have developed. There are so many issues with the way I thought when I was 14 and to be quite frank, going over this book again right now makes me cringe. It's so poorly written and I was so childish back then.
But yeah anyway. I want to address a couple of issues that I've noticed in the comments the past year:
- stop saying Grace is whiny and annoying. she has a different mindset than most people; she can't control her thoughts or the way she acts. stop insulting the main character of my story. it's rude. read another book if you can't handle it.
- referring to the part when ryder marked her without her permission a couple of chapters ago (this one was really controversial omg): I truly believe that what Ryder did was wrong. You need someone's consent ALWAYS when you are about to do something to them. Ryder is a grown wolf, and should be able to exhibit enough self-control to at least ask Grace if she wanted the mark or not. Since he had alpha blood in him it is understandable why he lost that control though, but Grace had every right to be mad at him. So stop saying Grace is whiny and annoying.
- no, I have not forgotten about the alpha rogue pack that saved Grace. Everybody else in the story had, but I haven't. Don't worry about them, they're doing fine and they will be coming up shortly.
- Grace does overthink a lot. that's what a lot of people do when they're worried about things. it's called anxiety. get over it. stop saying grace is whiny and annoying. please.
This is a really long author's note and I have so many more things to say, but I'm just really tired right now.
I kind of wanna know though, what bands/artists do you listen to??
Yeah anyway, have a great day/night! 😁
Song featured in this chapter is: Can't help falling in love (cover) by Twenty One Pilots