There was no interpretation of the kiss. There was neither an interpretation nor an explanation and there were days Hadassah nearly succeeded in convincing herself there was no kiss. Then, she'd remember the evening -after Leah had helped her get dressed for the ball- she had made her way down the stairs to the most shocking sight she had ever seen. Standing right there in the hall was a sickening sight of Daniel kissing another woman. She had been so stunned, it was nearly impossible to move from her position on the stairs. She would remember that evening and be reminded of the reality and truth of the kiss.
Yet, Daniel spoke nothing of it, his silence helping to heighten her feeling of frustration and anger she could in no way express for there was a part of her that believed herself deserving of his betrayal. She deserved to have him engage in such shameful display of indecency because she herself had been unfaithful to him and she bore the fruit of that infidelity, a fruit that was rapidly growing within her.
Daniel didn't speak of the kiss, and she didn't ask.
It was spring the following year, three months after the kiss, that Hadassah was thrown into a sudden, unexpected labor. She had been sitting in the garden with Lady Talbot, knitting a sweater while Lady Talbot knitted a blanket for her unborn child, when a sudden wave of pain raced through her stomach. A small yelp escaped her lips as her hands instinctively tightened their hold on the knitting pins.
“Hadassah?” Lady Talbot's voice barely registered in her mind when yet another bout of pain followed closely and in only a matter of minutes, she was lying with her back pressed to the mattress and her knees drawn up to her stomach.
She cried through the birth, her tears having very little to do with the pain of bringing a child to the world, and more to do with the pain of knowing it might not belong to her husband.
“Here.” Leah held out a yelling bundle to her but she shook her head, turning to the side instead. She couldn't look at it, not now.
She pressed her eyelids shut and in only a matter of seconds, fell asleep.
“You seem perfect.” The darkness surrounding Hadassah, slowly but surely gave way to light as her eyelids snapped open, pain suddenly bombarding her mind once more. She pressed her lips together to keep from groaning. “You seem so perfect. ”
Suddenly aware of the presence of someone else in the room, she pushed herself slightly up, leaning on her elbows.
Sunlight streaked into the room from the parted curtains, lightening up the room. Yet, the sunlight paled next to the bright smile on Daniel's face. He stood by the fireplace, cradling a bundle in his arms, his head bowed over the bundle. He seemed to be staring at something, she thought, even if he couldn't see. When she followed his gaze, she found the child's fingers curled around his finger.
“Perhaps you are perfect, I'm unable to see for myself.” He said and she thought she saw the bundle move. Retrieving his finger from the baby's grip, he tightened his hold around the baby. “It wouldn't matter anyway, I'll love you.”
Exhausted, Hadassah settled into bed, tears streaming down her face. They looked perfect together, she thought. Watching Daniel holding that bundle in his arms made her desire to go back to the past and stop Julius from doing what he did. She desired to stop herself from lying there while he defiled her body. She desired to stop the birth of the child from coming about. But as she laid still in bed, she knew she was powerless to stop anything.
“Dasa?”
She froze, the sound of his approaching footsteps filling her with anxiety.
“I thought I heard you.” Standing beside her, when he took her hand in his, she turned to him. He no longer held the child in his arms and while she considered for a second where it was he must have kept the child, she knew it to be safe. “Did I awaken you?” A small frown showed his concern, the thought alone making her want to cry some more. For many months, she allowed herself believe he cared nothing for her but seeing the look on his face now, she knew he did.
“Why did you kiss her?” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. It was a question she longed to ask for many months, yet, failed to ask. More than anything, fear held her back from asking; she was afraid he would confess to being in love with Lady Price, she was afraid he'd love someone other than her. And he had done nothing to elevate her fears. He had been present, yet distant. Close, yet far away.
The frown on his face deepened as he stood silent for several minutes.
“I-” She opened her mouth and closed it again. This wasn't the time or place to discuss what happened at the ball and she was too exhausted and hurt to discuss it. Suddenly regretting her question, she heaved a breath and closed her eyes, willing the pain in her body to ease, even if it was only for a second. Her body felt battered and in need of something, anything to take the pain away. But it was the pain in her heart that seemed worse and incapable of being eased.
“It was a mistake. ” His response was unexpected, causing her eyes to snap up to him. Shaking his head, “Forgive me.”
“Were you ever going to tell me about it?”
“No.”
His response angered her. Jerking her hand from where he held it captive, “Have you been bedding Lady Price?! ”
His head snapped to the side, almost as if she had slapped him hard on the face. She realized in that second that her question must have felt like that; a slap to his face.
Who was she to judge him? She clasped her hands to her lips to stop herself from speaking more hurtful words. She couldn't blame him for keeping the kiss from her, she couldn't blame him for keeping anything from her! She was guilty of doing the same thing!
She knew she needed to rest, her emotions were nearly driving her crazy and her body still ached from bringing forth a child. She would rest, she decided, pulling her eyelids shut once more. And tomorrow, she would act like this conversation never happened.
✴✴✴
Daniel let Hadassah's hand fall from his, choosing instead to bury his hands in his pocket as many emotions simultaneously raced through his veins.
He had kissed Lady Price, a mistake he knew he would have to live with. Still, he was undeserving of Hadassah's cruel accusation and on the day of the birth of their son! For it was his son! He had decided months ago to accept the child. He would accept the child and never think of the conversation he heard between Hadassah and Julius. If Hadassah would be willing to stay with him, he had told himself, then he would be willing to stay with her as her husband and a father to the child. While the conversation he heard killed him, there was a part of it that gave him hope, a part that caused him to believe her capable of loving him; she had threatened his brother and had ordered him to stay far away from her.
Daniel had gone into Julius' bed chamber that evening, to ensure the execution of Hadassah's request.
“Fair weather?” Julius stood with his back to Daniel who stood by the door of the balcony in Julius' room. He knew his brother wasn't turned to his direction because his voice carried into the wind. When Julius finally turned around, Daniel heard the movement of his feet as he did so. “You never come here, Dan, what brings you?” Julius sounded playful, amused even.
Daniel's fingers curled into a fist as he fought to maintain his position by the door. Everything in him longed to hurt his brother, as he had so cruelly done by... Daniel couldn't say or think of the word. He wanted to believe that perhaps it was possible for a woman to carry the child of a man without being intimate with that man but he knew it not to be possible. Hadassah had indeed been with his brother and was to bear his child.
“Why have you come?”
“To be rid of you.” Daniel didn't have to think of those words. “You shall take whatever you have here and you shall never return.”
Silence. Daniel knew his brother watched him, he knew the fury he felt was quite visible but as he turned from his brother that evening, he knew his point had been made clear enough and his brother had understood his threat.
Julius left the Talbot estate the next morning.
Still, the effect of the damage he had caused, stuck with Daniel. He tried to be good to Hadassah, he tried to be the husband he thought any woman would deserve, but every time he tried, he knew she had been with his brother and he couldn't get past that knowledge. He had however, nearly gotten past it. When the child was born and placed in his arms, he had felt a flood of love he could hardly explain. The feeling of love brought out in him by the child, reawakened his love for Hadassah. He knew as he held that child in his arms that he wanted a family, his family.
Her accusation of adultery brought out a feeling of anger he didn't think he could possess. It was like a slap to his face. She sat before him, appearing to be a saint while she accused him of bedding a woman he could barely stand to be around! Yet, she was the one who brought a bastard into his home and sought to impose the child on him!
It suddenly felt like the room was devoid of oxygen even as sweat pricked his skin.
“And how long did you plan on laying a bastard at my feet, Dasa?!” He growled. “When were you going to confess to sleeping with my brother?!”
Copyright © 2018 Lily Orevba All rights reserved.
A/N
Let me begin by saying I'm sorry for the late updates. It's been a busy week and while I hate how sparse this has become, in one week I've dealt with two tests, classes, malaria and struggling with this chapter. I cannot even tell you how unsatisfied I am, but it's an update and I'll try my best to make this more often than it is now.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you grace me with a star☺