I can't believe how blind I have been. I threw myself into a relationship, whatever it was, without even caring about all the warning signs I was crossing. I feel so betrayed, blindsided and hurt. I know that's who he is. I know he doesn't trust people easily and that he is too fucking cold and guarded, so I get his response, but to be shutting me out entirely? That I don't get.
It was going so good. He told me so many things. I thought he trusted me. I don't know what went through his mind last night, but it hurt me. He said he knew too little about me. Then, he should have asked. I was always the only one asking questions and he never did. He should have. He made and still makes me feel bad because I cared, I wanted to know more about him. Shame on me. I have learned my lesson to trust too easily. He just broke a part of my innocence.
At that moment, as the taxi is driving me to my parents' house in Manchester, I think of Steeve. I wasn't even that hurt when I found out that he had been cheating on me. I never asked questions. I dealt with it because I thought it was in my favour, that it would be easier to leave him. Now I realise that I don't know to what extent my relationship with him was set up, wrong and I didn't have a clue about it. Maybe he was happy that I got that publishing deal in London only because he could sleep around as he wanted without my knowing. It's like I have been betrayed by all the men that ever meant something in my life. And as short as Marcel has been a part of it, he made more impact than anyone. If only I could have felt something like I do with him with a good guy. Why didn't Ash make me feel like Marcel makes me feel? Ash is kind and so easy to be with. My heart seems to always want to play with fire and I got burnt. It stings a hell of a lot.
What is happening to me? A little more than a month ago, I had my life all figured out. I was exactly where I wanted to be in life. I was manipulated and blind, but at least I was satisfied and somewhat happy. I didn't know any better then.
I hate them. I hate them all. I am so angry to have cared that much. I told Marcel upfront how I care and let myself feel everything so deeply, because that's the way I am. I fucking changed the contract to be with him because of how much I trusted him. It was more than trust though, it was faith. I believed in him and his passion for my story. He destroyed it all. I don't doubt that he will still do a great job on my story regardless of the status of our relationship. If it had been up to him, we wouldn't even have been friends. I wanted that. Again, I should not care as much in the future. I just need to wrap my head around the fact that what has happened between us was great, outstanding even, and even though it's over, it happened, but he can't expect something else from me than the cold and guarded attitude he has always had and has shown me last night.
I pay the taxi and get out with my luggage. I stand in front of my parents' house for the first time in months. I have never been here alone in years. I didn't even call. I should have. I shouldn't have let my parents down like that.
The taxi is now gone and I look around me in the driveway. Their cars have changed. I don't even know which one is whose. It makes me sad and my eyes starts to tickle with tears. I see four cars so I know my brothers are there and it's enough to bring a smile to my lips and give me the courage to go inside.
I walk my way to the front door like I have done all my childhood, but somehow it feels uncommon. I stand awkwardly in front of the door, looking at it without doing anything. Do I knock? Do I get in? What do I do?
I sigh deeply and put my cold and shaky hand to the metal handle. I turn the knob and I feel instantly to warm and inviting air floating inside of the house. I feel immediately at home. I feel the love inside these walls. I feel all the wonderful memories I have with my family. I feel protected, just like I felt when I was coming back from school after being bullied all day.
I close the door behind me and take my shoes off silently. I walk the first few stairs into the house and put my bag at the top of them. I can hear them all talking and laughing. My heart aches to feel them so happy as I missed out on all of that. I don't want to interrupt them, but I can't just stand there until they walk my way. I need to do something.
"Hello? Mum? Dad?" I let out and walk my way to the kitchen where they must be making dinner and having a pre dinner drink.
The house suddenly goes silent as I hear utensils being put down on the counter. I walk to the room to see them frowning at each other. I meet Dad first. He was getting up and off the stool to come see what it was about.
"Grace?" He only lets out and I slide into his arms.
It's so sudden, that he is hugging me back awkwardly. He doesn't say a word and nobody else does, so I really don't feel at ease in this moment, but that's only until I hear my brothers being their loud selves.
"Gracy?!" Simon lets out and I instantly get out of my father's embrace to throw myself in his arms, but they are the wrong set of arms.
"I can't believe this." I hear him say as I hug the other twin. "She doesn't come home in I don't know how long and she forgets which twin is which!"
I smirk at Simon's cheekiness and I run into his arms. He holds me so tight that I can't believe I have shut them out of my life like that. I missed them so bad.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" He asks me, holding me at arm's length, his eyes pierce mine with genuine care. That's another thing I missed.
"You want the long or the short version?"
"Tell me you finally broke up with that wanker." William lets out as I make my way to Mum and hug her.
I help myself with an ale in the fridge and take a seat at the counter between my brothers as Mum and Dad are getting dinner ready. Nobody has talked and they wait for me to finally respond the question. It takes half the bottle before I can say something.
"I broke up with Steeve." I let out and sigh once it's out.
"Why? What happened?" Mum frowns and asks, seeming worried.
"Don't be too shocked, Mum. It was long overdue." Simon says with arrogance as it has been something he had wanted me to do for as long as he had known I was going out with him.
"Ronnie said something like that." I smirk to him.
"Well, she is a brilliant gal." He responds with a wide smirk.
Simon has never hidden his infatuation for her, maybe that is why I get all annoyed that men like her appearance, because I am truly annoyed at what my brother thinks of her.
It makes me think of Marcel and the Daddy issues he thinks I have. I get mad instantly. I hate this man so much. My first impressions were so true about him. He is such a double sided faced bitch. I am so annoyed that I roll my eyes to myself.
William looks at me and slides his stool closer to my side. He smiles gently and I get into his arm a second. He is so calm and understanding. He knows me so good. It's nice to see that our bond hasn't changed even though I have been gone for four years from the house.
"You seem upset, do you want to talk about it?" He whispers to me as he leans closer to my ear.
"Now is not the right time, maybe later... Thank you, Will." I thank him and get away from his arms.
"So did you leave your flat?" Dad asks, wearing a frown, not really giving me a hint of how he might be feeling. "Where will you go?"
"What do you mean 'where will you go'? She can come live here again." Simon instantly looks at Dad with his own attitude and the most surprised grin on his face.
"We can make room for you in our flat." William offers me very nicely.
"We just need to take care of the pipes and we are out of here." Simon informs me as it brings more questions than answers.
"What's wrong with your place?" I ask them.
"It flooded, so we live here for a couple of days until our landlord tells us to come back."
"That sucks."
"See the bright side, it got us all back here together for the first time since... what? Christmas?" William brings a smile to my face.
"Yeah, but her dickhead of a boyfriend was with her." Simon rolls his eyes. "Tell us what happened, Gracy."
I suddenly feel all of their attention on me and I want to fade away. I want to go back to my old room and hide myself under my sheets. But I decide, instead of hiding, to face the facts of what happened and share only the bright side of things. I need them to be proud of me like are my brothers to have made the biggest move of my life. I look at William and I am encouraged to be optimistic.
"A lot has happened in the last months... Ronnie had sent one of my stories to publishers throughout the country and two months ago, Wright Books contacted me saying they were interested in meeting me to talk further about eventually publishing me." I start to tell them slowly, but I am immediately cut by the genuine surprise from everyone.
"Wow! This is amazing, Grace!"
"How could you have not told us anything?"
My parents' reaction is very joyful and the exact thing I needed in my life at the moment. I am very proud of myself and it is magical to make them proud as well. My parents' opinion has always been very important for me. I always felt I was living in the shadow of my brothers, but I am ready to start fresh and take my rightful place in this family. My brothers are amazing, they haven't always have been, but they were the help when I needed it the most. I can't believe I have spent so much of my time away from them.
"It took me a long time to believe it myself. It has been hard, but I have signed a contract with them guarantying me of a publishing deal, a book tour across the UK and in some libraries in the US, they payed a lot for the right to publish me. That's the push I needed to steer clear of Steeve. I needed to start fresh. I moved to London and I finally found myself there. At least, I tried and I did. I will need a few days to recover from all the anxiety going on in my life, but yeah..."
"You moved to London? When?" Simon quickly asks at the same time that William speaks, but my attention goes to this last question.
"Is that why you changed the colour of your hair?"
"I did. I have nobody but myself to please, now. I needed to come back to my roots and here I am." I smile to my family as I realise how good it feels to be here and how it was a great decision to come.
"You moved to London and got through all of that alone?" Simon keeps asking.
"I was always travelling on weekends, but I became friends with the woman working at the front office of Wright Books. Long story short, it was supposed to be a temporary thing, but since the whole Steeve thing, I moved there permanently."
"But how did you move all of your stuff from your place to London? I hope you didn't do it alone. You could have called us." Simon continues, being super protective and cute.
"I know you both have busy lives, with crazy work hours. I didn't want to impose the whole Manchester-London trip on you. And anyway, I sort of became friends with my publisher. He suggested that, to save me a trip, he would come up for a few days. And he did. I packed his car and yeah... He didn't want me to deal with this Steeve situation alone..." I sigh and feel the dagger thrust in my heart thinking back about Marcel.
"He sounds like a very nice man." Mum adds salt in my wounds, but I keep silent and nod. He was.
"I like him. He is your publisher and he got involved so personally into your life. Wow! That's being determined for his writer." Dad nods and smiles to me, considering all this information.
"Yeah, I like him too. I wish you could have called us though, Gracy." Simon still doesn't shut up and adds.
"But what happened with your studies? Your term isn't over yet." William frowns and looks at me.
"I handed in all of my final essays. I am done with College. I have officially completed my Bachelor."
"There are so many things happening in your life that needs celebrating. I am very happy you showed up here. We missed you a lot." Dad lifts his glass of red wine and so does Mum. "We are proud of you."
"Thank you." I smile to each of them as I rise my beer as well. "But I didn't live that far in the city. If you'd missed me, you should have just shown up at Nando's."
"I did!" Simon exclaims as I roll my eyes.
"You barely noticed I was there. You chatted with Ronnie the whole evening." I whine and look at him doubtfully.
"Yeah, well, she can be quite distracting."
"Oh, shut up." I nudge him playfully, but he wraps his arm around my neck and pulls my head to his chest to mess with me and keep me captive before finally letting me go.
"I'm glad you are back with us. I missed you a lot." William leans on my side to whisper to my ear. It warms my heart that he tells me that.
"You have been at it for an hour, dinner should be ready by now!?" Simon looks at our parents and it makes me laugh to be back home with them. I feel like I've found yet again another piece of myself that was missing.
-
A little after dinner, as we all go to bed I go settle down in my old room. I throw myself lazily on the bed and sigh, my mind running through everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. I should never had called Marcel. We would somehow still have some kind of relationship. The problem is not him, it's me. I knew I was going to get burnt if I got too close to him. I felt it. And it happened. Shame on me because I care.
I look at the walls, the powder pink colour is reminding me of everything that happened when I was in school. This room often felt like it was the only place I could really be myself.
I cried myself to sleep too many times in here, but it makes me realise how it has influenced me into the woman I have become today. I was always making up stories to change my mind, fairy tales and impossible scenarios, but they all lead me to be a writer. One of those fantasies is about to be published, because Marcel saw potential in me.
My heart is broken about what he said to me. I like him very much. Too much. I should never had gotten involved with him. It's like he doesn't realise we will have to meet again. He said something like 'in another life, in another world, I'll see you around'. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Argh! I hate him.
This anger building up inside of me, mixed with sadness and incomprehension, is making me want to let it out. I take out my computer from my bag and start to write by replacing our names with the protagonists' names. Sometimes I can't believe how much this story relates to us. Marcel is this gorgeous accomplished young man, he can literally have anyone he wants, but he wanted me. It was for a little while, but I am proud to say I have gotten a peek under all of his layers. He is even more beautiful inside. He is fun and challenging, compromising, he is so generous. He just has been burnt too much that he is scared.
Even though I think all of these great things about him, he uses all of that to think it's alright to treat people who care like shit because it's easier to be alone. He is selfish.
I don't know for how long I have been writing when I hear a knock at the door. I welcome them in and see William sneaking in carefully closing the door behind him. I smile at the sight of him.
William has always been my confidant as opposed to Simon who's been more of a protector with me. How did I never feel how badly I was missing them?
Will walks to the bed and collapses loudly at my feet on the mattress. He sighs and I put my computer away to lay next to him.
"I feel as if no time had passed. But yet, so much has changed." He lets out looking at my ceiling.
"We have talked a lot about me, but what's new with you? Still with Cynthia?"
"I am. She wants us to live together."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"Not really, I spend most of my time at her place anyway."
"What's bothering you, then?"
"I don't want to leave Simon alone. The poor man doesn't even know how to cook, he'll be helpless without me."
"Think about what you want. He's a grown man. He'll be alright."
"I think... Cynthia and I are ready for this big step."
"You have been together for what? Three years?"
"Yeah... I love her, Grace. I really see myself spending the rest of my life with her."
"I am very happy you settled down and gave her a chance. She is so nice. I love her dog." I smile to him as he doesn't look at me, but at the ceiling, keeping silent as he thinks. It makes me think of Marcel and this ease I have always had with him.
"What happened with Steeve, Grace? What made you finally realise he wasn't right for you?" He turns on his side to look intently at me.
"If I tell you, you must promise me you won't judge me."
"I am not Simon, Grace, you can trust me."
I take some time to consider his words, but I really fear his judgement. It's a feeling I succeed getting over.
"I met some people when I got to London, they quickly became my friends. It was fun and it became flirty and one of them kissed me. I have always been with Steeve, so I contented myself with what we had, but something sparked in me. Every weekend, we met up and we explored this relationship and it was obvious I was missing out on who I am and how great I can feel about myself. So I knew I needed to break up with him, he wasn't making me as happy as I always thought I was. Things kind of went downhill from then."
"What do you mean?" Will asks as he steals one of my pillows and gathers it under his chin, giving me his entire attention.
"Steeve tried to force himself on me. He was becoming more and more violent as he was pissed I was spending all of my weekends in London. I found out he was cheating on me. And that was before I told him I was leaving him."
"You should have called the police, Grace. Domestic violence is unacceptable. I can't believe you didn't even call me." He whispers, but his anger is undeniable.
"I got myself out of that relationship, Will, let's not get angry about something that is over." I try to calm him down.
"I would have beaten him up."
"Well, my publisher beat you to it. I hid at his hotel room when I broke things up. He saw my bruises and got to the flat to have revenge for what Steve had done to me." I chuckle silently, thinking back on how I had learned Marcel had done so.
"So now, it's over?"
In more ways than William might think of, it's over. With both men.
"Yeah... He came to London last week, he wanted revenge."
"Who did?"
"Steeve."
"He had threatened Ronnie first and she called to tell me to spend the night away from my flat, that he was drunk and heading to me. He wanted to beat Marcel up."
"Who's Marcel?"
"My publisher."
"What happened?"
"He tricked Marcel in thinking he was me and showed up to his office. Marcel got hurt pretty bad, but Steeve was apparently worse. Marcel made sure he would leave us alone. And he did."
"Us?" Will frowns.
"Steeve thought Marcel was the man I had kissed."
"Was he?"
"He wasn't..." I say and weirdly linger on the words. Of course, now he knows I am hiding something. "But I did kiss him too." I feel this sudden need to justify myself, so I quickly let out an explanation to what I consider being my bad behaviour. "Marcel and I share something weird, but deep. He gets me. I get him. He has a lot of layers and I have been peeling him up. He is unconventional, but I like that. He has been so good to me, in a way I have never felt like I deserve, but I do. He is breaking the mould Steeve has made me grow into to embrace who I truly am. I never thought somebody could make me feel like this. I miss him every minute of every day. He drives me mad, he always argues with me and he likes that because it showcases both of our intellects. He is so intelligent. I could listen to him speak for hours. He is so peaceful and quiet. He thinks a lot. He is super protective and he takes care of me... He makes me think a lot of you. Anyway..." I passionately get caught in my head as I describe him to my brother, seeing scenes of our time together in my head.
"You seem to fancy him quite a lot."
"I do. We are dating, were dating, I don't know..." I sigh and let lazily my head back down on the bed to look at the ceiling.
"Your life seems to be a giant tornado." William giggles and it brightens up the mood.
"It is. That's why I decide to come and hide here."
"I feel so used right now." He jokes and it makes me laugh.
"I needed this. It was Marcel's idea, actually."
"He really seems like a great man."
"He is. Too scared, stubborn and selfish, but he fundamentally is." I roll my eyes and get off the bed to look for a night gown to wear or a shirt to go to bed.
"I guess it isn't going well?" He straightens up and looks at me going through my bag.
"He shut me out last night. I should have seen this coming from a mile away. I went through all the warning signs blindly."
"I'm sorry, Grace. You deserve so much more than that."
"I know. Thank you for listening to me. Lots have changed, but it hasn't really." I pick out my shirt and crawl back on the bed back to my brother to hug him.
His embrace is warm and I remember his scent when it meets my nostrils again. This is exactly what I need right now. I missed his comfort and the way he always listens to me. It's weird to think he is a police officer, he should have been a shrink. I am very happy to have the exclusivity.
We continue chatting about lots of things until it is too late and he gets annoyed he has to work tomorrow. He clearly would have preferred to spend the day with me. He told me so many times during the evening. He leaves my room with the promise that we will spend more time together in the days to come.
When I am alone, I think about my life and how everything would have been more simple if I would have stayed at home instead of moving in with Steeve. I missed them so much. I roll my eyes to the thought that I will need to go back to London in a few days. And I decide not to.
.