Crowded people.
Complete nuisance.
Noise coming from every corner I was not comfortable with.
It had been weeks, yet things didn't go well. Weeks, yet things had become much worse than they already were.
I sighed.
"Dito raw nakakulong 'yung binatang pumatay sa sarili n'yang ama?" I heard a woman in her 40's talking to the man in front of her. "Totoo ba?"
"Aba, oo!" a man who was wearing a shirt which reads 'DETAINEE' said
"Napakagandang lalaki. 'Di mo ma-iisip na magagawa n'ya 'yun. Napakatahimik pa pero kung magsalita ma'y halata mong matalino. Sayang nga eh."
I closed my eyes, feeling chest pain crawling inside me. I was inside a detention center and paying a visit and hoping Traise would show up because he never showed up to any visit, not even once, not even if it was me.
Weeks had passed by but things became more tragic than anyone could ever think of. Turned out, he killed his dad. He really did it. He admitted it. Soon as the tragedy happened, he went straight to see me before surrendering himself, which didn't happen because he was apparently caught.
His relatives condemned him, even our neighbors, they did. His mom got traumatized, she got admitted to a nearby hospital by his aunt. She won't talk, she will just sometimes cry saying she saw blood and that someone killed someone, she'll then scream.
To make things worse than worst, his case was being used by political power. His case was a national topic; murdering his dad and making her mom traumatized.
Everyone was mad, enraged, and wanting to kill him themselves. People were protesting outside the Supreme Court saying now is the perfect time to revive the Death Penalty again and let him be the first receiver. They said, people like him, who are monsters who fear no one should all be eliminated in the society by capital punishment. The public is that mad to the point that even my schoolmates and professors who once looked up to him now hated him.
Due to these, politicians started to use him as a great platform for their political agenda since the election was around the corner. Sort of publicity, I must say. Many leaders in the Senate and House of Representatives, in fact, were in discussion of the death penalty bill. The last time I knew, it was at the 2nd reading already. The public wanted it and if they want a guaranteed seat in the government, they'll do what it takes to make it into a law and he might be the first receiver of it.
My mind was in a complex thinking state when it got washed away when he showed up. He was wearing a black shirt and a short. He then sat in front of me, no emotion can be seen on his face.
"You're not wearing a detainee shirt like them," I awkwardly said, trying to flash a smile.
"I'm remanded in custody," he coldly replied as his cold eyes met mine.
Remanded in custody means they are detained but still have the rights with them and they are not considered a detainee yet so they have the right to wear their desired attire until they're proven guilty.
"Mabuti naman nagpakita ka na sa 'kin," I said, trying to smile. "You've been avoiding visits for weeks."
"Because there's no need for a visit," he said, colder than he had ever been.
"But I'm not just anyone," I said, "I'm...I'm your...your..."
He twisted a smile. "Everything between us had ended that night, Courtney," and looked in my eyes. "Forget me."
"I won't," I firmly said, trying to get a hold of myself.
"Look," he said, making a face I never saw before. He looked and seemed different as if he was not the person I grew up with. "I'm a murderer. I killed my dad. Aren't you scared of me, Courtney? Thinking I might kill you too?"
"Traise, I'm not," I said, looking in his eyes still. "Because I know you are not capable of doing so."
He laughed, mockingly. "Not capable?" and his face turned serious. "I just did."
My mouth opened up to say something but none came out.
He inched the gap of our face and stared into my eyes. "If you think I'm still the same best friend you once had, you're wrong. So stop acting like you know me because you don't. I only let you see a part of me that will be convenient for you to see. We have our own dirty little secrets, Courtney. And what? You'll save me? You can't save someone who has no intention of being saved at all. The public is right, I'm a monster."
His cold eyes looked at me sharply.
"So do me a favor. Don't come here again. I don't wanna see you."
He stood up and started to walk away. I was left with nothing but pain in me. Just then, he stopped, and he looked back.
"The lawyer you sent me, I turned him down. A public defender will do. After all, no trials will happen."
"W-Why?" I asked, shocked. "What do you mean?"
He smiled weakly.
"I'll plea guilty."
It had been hours since he said he'll plea guilty but my mind still can't absorb it. His preliminary trial will start two days from now at mababaliw na ako kakaisip kung paano ako makakagawa ng paraan to help him.
Preliminary trial happens before the actual trial. Ito 'yung part wherein the accused will either plea guilty or not guilty.
If nag guilty ang accused, it means ina-admit n'ya ang krimen and no trials will happen at doon na s'ya mismo sisintensyahan with a lighter verdict. However, if they plead not guilty, the judge will contemplate if there's probable cause to continue the case. If wala, i di-dismiss ang kaso pero kung mayroon, trials will happen.
"There's nothing that we can do then," my professor said. "He keeps on admitting the crime. He'll for sure plea guilty."
I sighed. "Eh paano kung mali 'yung verdict?"
My professor laughed. "How can it be wrong when the accused keeps on admitting? Atsaka, bakit ba i-ginigiit mong inosente s'ya kahit napakaraming ebidensya na nagtuturo na he did the crime and even he, himself, admits it?"
I shrugged.
Bakit nga ba?
Bakit nga ba hindi pa rin ako naniniwala kahit na napakaraming ebidensya?
Frustratedly, I went to my next class.
"Ooops, and'yan na 'yung partner-in-crime n'ung criminal," a woman said.
The class laughed.
"Anong sabi mo?" I immediately asked back.
"'Di ba, you were seen together when he got caught?" she asked smilingly while the whole class was in amusement. "Did you plan the killings together or what? Wow, what a great kink you got there, huh, Ms. Spencer."
I smiled. "What if we did? And I'm planning to murder you now?"
She smiled as well. "Careful with words, miss. We're studying law. I might get you kicked out due to death threat. Ang daming witness oh."
I smirked. "In case I'll be kicked out, okay lang at least pera ng tatay ko ipinambabayad ko. Eh ikaw? Saan ba galing tuition mo? Sa kaban ng bayan na ninanakaw ng tatay mo sa senado?"
She got dumbstruck. "WHAT?!"
The crowd was fully amused.
I smiled. "How's your dad's graft case, bitch?"
She got madly red. "Take those words back!"
I smirked. "I won't. I can play the dirtiest shits so don't mess with me!"
And soon as I turned my back, I heard her said something.
"Too bad..." she said, smiling. "My dad will sit as one of the juries in your friend's case. I'll make sure he'll be convicted!"
With anger overflowing from me, in the blink of an eye, she felt a flying fist on her face. I was suspended for days but dad managed to make things well.
Until the day of the preliminary trial came and I found out the public defender was dad's scholar and my senior in school. In my horror, the death penalty was on Senate action's approved bill of the house already.
I locked the door.
"What's with this rubbish?" the public defender asked after I locked him up together with me in the restroom. "The preliminary trial will start any minute now!"
Panting, I calmed myself. "I came here with dad's request. Will your client plea guilty or not?"
Confused, he looked at me. "He says guilty."
Dumbstruck, I maintained my posture.
"My dad says you'll say not guilty."
"WHAT?!" he exclaimed. "But...but... he... he says he's—"
"You know he's dad's scholar as well, right? Dad believes he's innocent. That's why he's asking you not to plea guilty and we'll help you in the trial. It's your first time in the field, gusto mo maging marumi kaagad record mo? First case, talo?"
It was a long argument when he finally said he will. To my surprise, he did say the accused pleaded not guilty that even he, Traise, got shocked. After the trial, they came out and our eyes met.
"It's your doings, isn't it?" Traise asked. "I told you not to meddle with my case!"
"It's dad, okay!" I lied.
He scoffed. "Your dad visited me last night and said my case is hopeless. Whom are you lying to?"
And then the police accompanied him away. I saw the defender talking with someone over the phone and I know it was my dad.
Dad almost killed me, the defender almost killed himself too. I created a mess, I admit, and I didn't know how to solve it. The defender was scared, as dad shouted at him madly for believing me and I got suspended. I promised to help him, at all cost.
"You did the awful of all awful things!" my dad said after he calmed down. "I'm disappointed in you!"
I looked down. "I'm sorry dad..."
"You didn't help him! You just set his foot in his own grave!"
I looked at him."P-Po?"
"The death penalty...the Senate approved it already and do you know where it is now? It's being transmitted to the President and knowing the current public heat, he'll sign it! There's no reason to veto it. One sign and he'll fall under it!"
I felt a loud bang in my chest.
"Once the bill got signed, and he got proven guilty...he'll be receiving it. He'll be killed instead of just imprisonment. He may be executed publicly, in broad day light, because of you! Your friend's death will all be your fault!" he exclaimed angrily again and went upstairs.
The thought of making things worse than they already were didn't put me to sleep.
What if, I really pushed him to his death? What if it's all my fault? What if the defender won't win the case, what will happen to him?
Will he be injected with lethal chemicals, beheaded in public, or will be the first victim of the electric chair?
I just... wanna help. I just... wanna make his name clear.
The next morning, I visited him again and this time, I didn't have the confidence to meet his eyes.
"Himala," he said, sitting in front of me. "Where did your confidence go? Did it run away when it realized the mess you did?"
Beat.
"Are you even aware that I may receive the death penalty because of what you did?"
I looked down. "S-Sorry..."
"Would that be your answer once you see me inside a coffin one fine day?"
I burst into tears. "Sorry..."
"Bakit ka umiiyak? Akala ko ba paninindigan mo?"
I bit my lower lip, crying still. "Sorry... gusto ko lang... gusto ko lang makatulong. Kasi... kasi ayoko makulong ka. Kasi... kasi hindi ako naniniwalang...ganun ka. Ginawa ko lang 'yun kasi concerned ako... kasi... mahal kita..."
There was a long pause of silence.
"You love me still kahit nakita mo na how monstrous I can be?" he later asked, breaking the ice. "I killed my dad, can't you see it? Halimaw ako, Courtney. Demonyo."
"No one wants to be a monster, Traise," I said. "No one dreams to be a demon, unless being one is the only choice they have."
He smirked. "Eh 'di naniniwala ka ngang I did it."
I cried, finally. "Hindi ko alam... everything keeps on telling me you did... the evidence, kahit ikaw sinasabi mo rin. Pero hindi ko ma-absorb...ewan ko... ang gulo!"
"Then prove it," he said, looking in my eyes. "You started it. You finish it."
"What do you mean?"
"Investigate on your own. Seek for your evidence. Help the defender in court. Do everything, I don't care. Seek answers for your questions and once you did, give me a verdict. Am I guilty, or am I not?"
Still in vagueness, I looked at him, "I... don't understand."
"What I'm saying is I'm handling you my life," and he gave me the smile he often did during the days that everything seemed fine. When things were not as chaotic as this. The brightest and sweetest smile that could light up my mood, the smile I fell in love with.
And there, I noticed the pain in his eyes. He seemed so weary, so... tired of everything.
"I can plea guilty again since the trial hasn't started yet but seeing things now, I guess, I won't do that."
"Why?" I asked, confusion in my eyes.
"Because I'm now having fun," he said. "Guilty or not, I want you to know the answer. I want you to seek answers on your own. But I'm telling you, I did it," and he looked genuinely in my eyes. "I killed my dad."
With eyes whether lying or saying the truth, he then smiled.
"DEFEND ME, ATTORNEY..."