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Funny Tweets!
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I wanna throw a party with fake alcohol & see how many people act wasted.
We live in a world where losing your iPhone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
School is pointless! English? We speak it. History? They're dead, get over it. Math? We have calculators. Spanish? We have Dora
We live in a world where pizza gets to your house before the fire engine
How I view dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Poodle, Maltese, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat.
*Walks into room* "Why am I here?" *Walks out of room* "Oh now I remember"
Does this dress make me look fat?".NO, it's the fat that makes you look fat, don't blame the dress
You're so lazy." "No, I'm not. I've been converting oxygen into... carbon dioxide all day."
('-') (._. ) (· - ·) ( ) ( ._.) ( ' -') Oh, excuse me. Just lookin for a f*ck to give.
I changed all my passwords to "incorrect" so when I forget them, the computer will say "your password is incorrect"
Tell her she's 'beautiful' instead of 'hot'. She's a woman, not a temperature.
H.A.T.E.R.S = Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success
Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2012: he died of hunger.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
I like to stop my microwave with 0:01 second left, it makes me feel like I'm defusing a bomb and saving lives.
Online chatting. Imagine if it was a real life conversation. How awkward would it be to stick your tongue out every few minutes?
What I hate most about Twitter? Finishing a good tweet having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commit.
Fake friends would ask you if you were ok if you fell. Real friends would trip you again.
Fake friends buy you a pregnancy test. Real friends scream, "name it after me!"
If you lose something in your room, take a picture of your room, put it on Facebook and play I Spy.
Exams don't test what you know. They test how well you can study the night before the test.
Study... stud... stu... st... t... tw... twe... twee... tweet!
The death penalty. Killing people that kill people to show people that killing people is wrong. Get it?
10 and playing. 11 and looking. 12 and kissing. 13 and touching. 14 and sucking. 15 and fucking. 16 and pregnant.
A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.
Dear inventors of Tampons, how awkward was it for you to explain your invention to everyone?
Some girl in China lost her virginity at 12. Her name was Sum Yung Ho.
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell their body parts for money.
I'm painting a blue square in my backyard. So that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I'm not a nerd, I just like to read. I'm not a whore, I just like to flirt. I'm not a mistake, I just tend to make them.
When you're reading a persons shirt and they walk away before you finish reading... HOLD THE F*CK UP.
Dear Bella, Does the fact that all of the Cullens know when you're on your period bother you? Sincerely, that's just creepy.
1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open cabinets. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat.
Teacher leaves room during a test* Elementary: "Psstt, hey, can I have a pencil?" Highschool: "YO! WHATS NUMBER 1?"
If I die before I wake, I pray that God will clear my browsing history.
Ghetto word of the day: Omelet. Example- " I shoulda slapped da f^ck outta yo ass but omelet dat shit slide dis time.
Sometimes I question my sanity. Sometimes it replies.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up & down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.
A friend told me I take twitter way too seriously. Don't worry, I unfollowed her.
Without that little voice in your head, you wouldn't be able to read this.
That awkward moment when your Mom decides to be in the room while you're on the computer, so you just switch to Google and stare at it.
I feel bad for those kids that see a new toy on TV that they want, but can't get them because their parents have to be 18 or older to call
Did you know? If you say "Raise Up Lights" you just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent? Ahaha.
Look to the left, now to the right...I just virtually bitch slapped you
It’s not officially summer until you fuck up your sleeping schedule.
When I was a kid, Pussy meant CAT, Sex meant GENDER, Dick was a NAME, and Bang was a SOUND.
Person: Your music taste is shit. Me: Shhh, do you hear that? Person: Hear what? Me: It's the winds of me not giving a fuck.