No one asks questions at breakfast. About Meredith. About the Band-Aids on my wrists. Or about my short-sleeved T-shirt, so everyone could see my scars if they looked closely at my arms, among everyone else's arms that are on the table.
We all climb into our vans, and drive off back south, towards home. I stare out the window, listening to music, when I suddenly get an idea.
"Hey, Billy. Can I see the GPS for a sec?" I ask as I pause my music and take out an earbud. Billy wordlessly hands his phone back to me, not asking what I was doing or why. Smiling, I type in my topic of interest, and several places pop up on the screen. I choose one that we'll reach by noon, and give the phone back to Billy. He doesn't even glance down at it as he puts it back on the console.
"What'd you type in?" Zak asks, turning to look at me. He and Aaron had decided to switch seats for this ride, though I have no clue why. I smile mischievously, and say slyly,"You'll see when we get there."
This earns a snort from Aaron up front, so I smack his shoulder. He turns to me with a grin, and asks,"Is it near a bar by any chance?" I roll my eyes and say,"No, Aaron, it ain't. You can go roam the city all you want looking for a bar in the middle of the day. I won't judge." Aaron grins and says,"Hey, it's five o' clock somewhere."
I roll my eyes and settle back into my seat, putting my earbud back in. I see Zak pull out his phone from his pocket, but I don't focus on that as I stare back out the window, losing myself in my thoughts once more.
Are you ok? From last night? And meeting Meredith? I see the message on my screen, which buzzed and interrupted my song. I look over at Zak, who's looking at me. I shake my head and say,"No, I'm good. Very good, actually. Never better." Zak blinks, then says,"I can't tell whether you're lying or not."
I smile sadly, thinking of my brother, Carson, who used to say the same thing to me when we played BS as kids. "I'm not, Zak. Trust me. I feel fine. My blood has reproduced, my head's clear, and my demons are at bay for now. I'm okay."
Zak looks worried by this, but then Aaron turns around in his seat. "So that's why you have bandages on? And a short-sleeved shirt? By the way, it looks amazing on you. You have more biceps than Zak," he says, smiling his usual goofball smile.
Zak punches Aaron's arm, which Aaron looks play-hurt to. I smile and say,"Yeah. I tried to commit suicide last night. But Zak saved me. Taped up my wrists, helped me get away from the demons attacking me. Showed me the sliver of light I sometimes see at the end of the tunnel. A light that has grown since I've met you guys."
Zak reaches out and takes my hand, though I know it's for him and not me. He's reliving through last night, the horror he must've seen, the emotions he felt. I grip his hand, and watch him. Aaron watches us, then says,"Well, great job being up front about it. You, my friend, are horrible at subtlety."
I grin at him, and say,"Oh, trust me, Aaron. Your body will be hidden very subtley." Aaron and Billy laugh at this, and Zak cracks a small smile, knowing that I'm joking. I still see the darkness in his eyes as he turns to look out the window, though.
Not releasing Zak's hand, and taking comfort in the pressure against my palm, even if it is my dominant hand, I take my phone out of my pocket with my right hand. Messing up a lot, and finally getting it right, I send Zak a text.
I see him look down at his phone, then up and around at me. His eyes are dark chambers of horror and sadness, fear and anger, love and pain. He simply stares at me, and it's like I see things from his point of view, after he woke up and found me in the bathtub, with bloody water around my scarred arms and legs.
I take a shuddering breath as the sharing stops. Zak takes a breath as well, and squeezes my hand. Either to support and reassure me, or to reassure himself that I'm real and alive. I lean my head back against the window, staring out at the countryside, and put my earbuds in once more. I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember the dream.
An open field spreads out before me, though it's red like blood. Trees rise into the air, impossibly tall, with blue-green leaves. I see a sliver of river in the distance, though it glints black and gold, even though there's no sun or moon to be seen. The sky is only a blanket of gray-black, like storm clouds.
"It's beautiful, is it not?" I turn at the sound of a voice, and find a man looking out at the land. He has moppy, uncut black hair down to his chin, tangled like a spider's web. His tan skin looks like it belongs on a farmer instead of the business man he seems to be, with his dark-colored three piece suit. He glances at me, and I see his golden iris glowing, as if from within.
"Yes, I suppose it is," I reply, glancing back at the field. "It's not blood, Saira. It is autumn grasses. This place always mimics the real world. In the winter, the River Lethe is frozen over, and the trees turn a dark amber color. In the spring, the grass turns as gold as my eye, and the bark on the trees turns a lovely shade of red. In the summer, the river flows freely, and is the color of moonlight. This place changes, just like the people of the earth."
"Your eye?" I question, the only part that I truly understood. The man turns to face me fully, and I almost scream. The entire left side of his face is a skull, covered in glowing bits of white flesh and thin skin. But, his eye is missing, gone, leaving an empty eye socket.
"Oh. Got it," I say, my voice small. The man smiles, and the skull seems to grin with horrible decayed teeth next to perfectly straight white ones. "I resemble all myths, dear Saira. My missing eye is represented by Odin, god of knowledge in Norse mythology. My missing half is representative of Hades, Greek god of the Underworld. I am everything ever thought of by man. I have many names, but most people know me best by one."
"God," I immediately say, and he smiles. "Yes, I am God. This is what is known by Christians as Purgatory, the waiting grounds. The medium. The in-between of life and death." I nod, and gaze out at the field. I kneel, and pluck out a blade of grass. I rise, and turn it in my fingers, gazing at the scarlet filaments. "No questions, Saira? No 'why am I here?' 'am I dead?' 'why have you brought me here?' Nothing?" God asks, sounding genuinely surprised.
"No, not really. I know that I almost went to Hell last night. And I'm trying to put my soul back together. I know that I'll come here, if I ever do succeed at fixing my soul. I guess I'm just memorizing it, for when I'll walk these grounds for the rest of eternity after I die," I say, breaking the grass blade in my hands as I speak.
God watches me break the red plant, not stopping me. I toss the pieces onto the ground, and stare at them. "You have gifts, Saira Collings. You know as much," he says, staring down at the ground. "Yeah," I scoff, scowling down at the brown soil. "I can see ghosts, and communicate telepathically with them. I can control and banish demons. I can get scars on my back whenever I watch a person die. Great gifts, really."
I don't feel horrible for snarking off to the Creator of the Universe. I was done with being a sensible person. Let people see me for me. Let them see every side of me. Let them see my scars. Let them judge. I don't care anymore.
"There it is," God says, and I turn to look at him. "The anger. The fight. The knowledge that you'll get judged either way, and you're not going to give a crap," he says in his wise, old voice, which sounds strange saying a cuss word. "I reflect humanity," he says to my questioning look. I nod and look back down at the grass.
"Reassemble it. The blade of grass. Reassemble it," he says, staring into my eyes with his golden one. I sigh and crouch down, not asking how I'm supposed to do that. I stare at the blade, and put my hand over the scraps. I reach within me, for happiness and light. Memories flood my mind, somehow, in the middle of this dream.
Aaron laughing, Billy and Jay joking around, Ashley sitting next to me on the couch, Gracie running up and licking me. My mother baking cookies. Fairen, my older sister, twirling me around with her when I was small. Carson laughing and throwing his cards in the air when he lost a Pokemon battle against me. My father teaching me to draw.
The last memory, though, isn't one of my family. It's of Zak, on the rooftop in Springfield. Him, staring into my eyes, his hazel eyes turned silver and gold by the stars and street. His words, sinking into my brain. You are my angel as well, Saira. Then, his lips pressed against mine, about three seconds of pure bliss.
I smile as I take my hand away from the blade of grass. There it sits, perfectly anew. Well, almost. Now, the blade shimmers with a silvery sheen, like the stars from that night on the roof.
I pick up the grass, and stand, turning towards God. He smiles, and says,"See? All things, even the most broken, can be mended. Even given a new shine, shall they be put back together in a specific pattern." I smile, and give the blade to God. He turns the blade in his hand, then looks up at me.
"You have a future, my dear girl. Do not let my son's words tempt you farther down the road of fire. Walk your own path across the demon servants of his you have defeated. If you play your cards right, then you may end up here. But, if you play to survive, then you may enter my kingdom after all."
God turns away, leaving my brain twisting and turning. He starts to walk away, but my voice stops him. "Is this in my head, God?" He turns towards me with a mischievous smile, and says,"Of course it's happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it's not real?"
And, with that quote from Harry Potter, God disappears into silver light, and I awake.
I look around the van, which is silent. Zak sleeps next to me, and Aaron snores up front. Billy stills drives, and a glance at my phone shows that it's about ten o' clock. Zak stills holds my hand, and I don't have the heart to take my palm and fingers from his. Then, as I move, I feel something in my jacket pocket.
Reaching in, I remember his last words to me.
In my hand lays the scarlet and silver blade of grass.