Though it wasn't rare for Nevada to be awake past midnight, her mind too laden with reoccurring thoughts to be able to drift off, she couldn't help but blink blearily at the sliver of light that shone just beyond the doorway. If she listened, she could hear the muffled sounds coming from the television, and a few seconds later, Sam's frustrated huff followed.
Nevada had spent the last two hours tossing and turning in the sheets, her legs curling around the blanket as she found the most comfortable position. But it didn't matter how she settled into the mattress: her mind refused to shut itself off, and when her anxious thoughts fluttered through her head, sleep never came easily.
She rolled onto her back, stared up at the ceiling for a long minute, then kicked the covers off. Rising to her feet, she plucked her glasses off her nightstand before padding into the living room.
Sam was alone, his eyes glassy as his attention was stolen by the GTA race he was in. His fingers flew over the controller, his thumbs working through the controls with ease. The light from the television gave him an almost iridescent quality, the tips of his locks glinting silver in the darkness. At the sound of her entrance, he flicked his gaze over to her.
"What are you doing awake?" He lifted his eyebrows, though his focus returned to the race once more.
Nevada wavered on the threshold. "I couldn't sleep," she said. "I heard the TV. Why are you awake?"
"I thought I told you — I have weird sleeping patterns." His eyes slid to her standing before he patted the spot on the couch beside him. "You can sit if you want. I don't bite."
She snorted, but complied, settling down onto the couch. The second her shoulders hit the cushions, the tension in her frame dissipated, and a shaky breath escaped between her lips. Reaching for the hair tie on her wrist, she gathered her dark hair into a messy bun while squinting at the screen.
She had to admit it: Sam's GTA character resembled him. From the blonde hair that stood straight up to his lean figure, it was almost a perfect match. Upon noticing his gamer tag, she snorted yet again.
"SilentSamule? Really?"
"Oh, come on. Appreciate the pun!"
Nevada didn't say anything in response, though a gentle smile graced her features. She had noticed that more recently. Her features naturally brightened without her realizing it, and she wondered if it had to do with the recent change in her own self-confidence.
While Nevada had never playing GTA before or understood much about the game, it was all too easy to become absorbed in the gameplay, and with Sam's constant flow of commentary, she never felt confused about what was happening on-screen.
Before they knew it, Sam finished another race, and the clock neared one. The exhaustion had kicked in, uncontrollable yawns overtaking her every couple of minutes. It didn't matter how many times she blinked: the gameplay was becoming blurrier, and she couldn't muster the energy to keep her eyes open.
Sam turned halfway only to find her slumping in her seat. He nudged her with his elbow. "You don't have to stay awake because I am," he said with a slight chuckle. "You can head back to bed."
"Mmm," Nevada hummed. "I can stay awake a little longer." She wasn't certain about that, but she could definitely try.
"You don't have to," he repeated. "I'll probably only stay up for another half hour."
Still, she couldn't bring herself to move. It didn't matter that the afternoon had transformed their relationship or that they didn't have an actual label slapped on them; she felt comfortable there. Her heart fluttered at a steady pace, and a sleepy smile overtook her features.
But as Nevada blinked again, the realization that they were approaching the end of their trip slammed into her, and she stiffened. There was one question that had nagged her as she'd attempted to doze off tonight, and there was only one person who could provide the answer.
And he was sat on the other side of her.
Her throat felt thick. When she sat up, her shoulders tensing up, Sam stopped looking at the screen long enough for a flicker of concern to cross his gaze.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah," Sam said, shifting uneasily.
"Did you tell anyone—about my anxiety?"
Though the question had lingered in the back of her mind since the night he had found her in the middle of her panic attack, she hadn't worked up the courage to ask. He had found her in the most vulnerable position she could imagine — even more so than if she had undressed herself in front of him — and the thought of him sharing the details with the rest of their cabin made her stomach sink. While the others had given no indication that they knew, she needed the verbal confirmation.
His eyes widened. He pondered her question for a quick second. "No," he said. "It isn't my place to say anything. I would've been a prick if I had. If you want to tell them, you should do it when you're ready." He didn't miss her grimace since he added, "But if you think they'll look at you any differently, then you're wrong."
His words did little to assuage the unease that had trickled down her spine. "So you think I should say something?"
Sam returned his attention back to the game, loading into another race. "I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with. If you want to tell them, you can. If you don't, then you don't have to."
Nevada absorbed his words of advice over the next couple of minutes. The only sounds to be heard were the muffled volume and the occasional clicks of the controller. It wasn't until an opponent spun Sam's car out of control that he snapped, tossing the controller onto the couch in a fit of sudden rage.
For some unknown reason, the sight made her laugh. He had answered the most important question to her at that moment, and it had left her feeling more at ease than she had been when she had first tried to fall asleep. He made it all sound so simple. She wished it felt that way. Maybe it could be that simple.
He flopped back against the cushions, his arms crossed over his chest as his lower lip pushed out in a pout. Her heart only fluttered more. In response, she pressed her lips to his forehead.
Sam stilled beneath her touch, and for a mere second, the two were frozen, their breaths hitched. When she pulled away, his warm gaze was on hers once more, and she had to force herself to look down otherwise she would never leave.
"Thanks," she murmured, rising to her feet.
"You're welcome." He grabbed his controlled off the floor, but he didn't click to resume the game right away. "Good night."
"Good night." With a quick wave, Nevada ducked down the hallway, a skip in her step that hadn't been there before.
The sunlight cast a warm glow over her bed the next morning, the bright rays prompting her to stir awake. It had been almost effortless falling asleep after sitting with Sam, and she couldn't even remember what had kept her awake in the first place. He had simplified all of her worries, and for the time being, that was enough.
Nevada didn't move right away. It was their final day at the lodge, and the realization that their trip was nearing its end made her stomach churn. Only two weeks ago, she had dreaded the week with every fiber of her being, wishing that it would pass in an instant. But after everything that had occurred, she yearned to remain in the comfortable bubble for a while longer, not willing to face the music just yet.
The end of the trip only left a large question mark on what would happen when she returned after winter break. She had no idea whether she would have a group of friends to call her own; she had no idea whether Sam wanted to continue their relationship. The uncertainty was what worried her most, and the reality was that there were no answers. All she could do was wait until the first day back from break. That would determine whether she looked forward to a better semester than the last.
Nevada used her arm to shield her eyes from the natural light. Clangs and bangs of metal against metal came from the kitchen, and there was soft conversation accompanying the noise as the rest of the cabin made themselves breakfast and started on their own packing. She couldn't put off her responsibilities forever — no matter how tempting the idea was.
With a sigh, she crawled out from under the sheets.
If there was a certain way she had anticipated the trip would end, another party at the lodge was not it. When Sam had mentioned the idea, she'd had mixed emotions. On one hand, it meant that she had to head out and put herself in a stressful situation. On the other hand, she was unwilling to separate herself from the rest of her cabin, and if it meant accompanying them to the lodge, she would do it. The irrational fear that they would forget her if she stayed behind overrode all rational thought.
The others had jumped on the idea immediately. As the last night before they headed back to their homes, it was their last chance to let loose before the holidays. Even Sam looked thrilled at the prospect, though she didn't miss the questioning look he shot her when he posed the question.
Without speaking outright, she'd given him an imperceptible nod in answer.
That afternoon was spent in the midst of the chaos of packing. The few articles of clothing had to be packed away into her suitcase, and she only realized then how many of her things had been scattered throughout the cabin. It had taken her five minutes before she found her camera in one of the kitchen cupboards, and she'd almost forgotten her toothpaste in the bathroom while gathering her toiletries.
Her mother, Amanda Ruiz, had even sent her a text that afternoon. The message was simple, expressing her excitement over her finally coming home for the break and the holidays. Natalie had sent a message of her own, reminding Nevada that she would be picking her up. It wasn't like Nevada had forgotten. Crucial details like that never made it past her, and the information was imprinted on her mind like a tattoo.
By the time they were meant to leave for the party, Nevada had only just dressed for the occasion. Her face was bare without a trace of make-up, and she felt naked without it. Thankfully, Cassidy had been running behind too, and the others had gone ahead without them, with the promise that the two would catch up.
After Nevada had traced her eyes in her usual liner and gathered her hair in a half-up, the two headed up to the lodge together. The temperature had taken a nose-dive, the air chilling in preparation for their departure, and Nevada pulled her jacket tighter around her shoulders as the wind bit at her exposed skin. The snow crunched beneath their feet, a line of footsteps marking their path to and from the cabin. If she squinted, she could see the outlines of the others' footprints, even though the wind had since covered them.
The blast of warm air from the cabin welcomed them the second they entered, and Cassidy wasted no time in greeting the receptionist before heading down the stairs. She had memorized the location where all of the other members of their trip were staying, and even though Nevada suspected that Helen and the others were aware of what went on, they had yet to be busted.
The others were nowhere to be found. Sam should've been visible instantly, but the three remaining members of their cabin weren't amongst the huddle of people crowding the hallways.
"We can find the others in a sec," Cassidy said, tugging on her wrist.
She dragged Nevada into someone's bedroom. The door had been propped open for the occasion, and a wide selection of alcoholic beverages cluttered the desk that came with every room. There was a range of beers and wine bottles along with non-alcoholic drinks for mixing if one felt adventurous. When it hit her that Cassidy brought her in here to grab a drink, her smile fell.
Nevada didn't drink. She had never moved past a cup of wine at a family outing or a few sips from Natalie's beer. The taste didn't appeal to her, and with alcohol in her system, it erased the element of control that she craved. If she wasn't completely aware of everything going on around her, her anxiety rose in an instant, and it left her vulnerable. She couldn't save herself under the influence, and so, she had avoided alcohol from the moment she'd stepped onto Briarcliff's campus. Having to look after Sam when he'd been drunk only increased her desire to say no.
Cassidy snatched the bottle of vodka from the back, and grabbing a plastic cup, she topped off a generous amount of orange juice with alcohol. She shook the contents of the cup before turning to her.
"What do you want? A beer? Or maybe wine?"
A lump formed in her throat. She had to reject the offer, but even though her decision was made, mouthing the word was far more difficult. She didn't know Cassidy well enough to guess whether she'd judge her.
"No, thanks," Nevada said.
"Well, do you want what I'm having?"
"No..." Her hesitation made Cassidy face her once more. "I don't...drink."
"Oh, okay! That's no problem." A furrow appeared between her eyebrows. "Is there a particular reason why?" She raised her free hand in surrender before raising the cup to her lips for a sip. "Just curious!"
Nevada braced herself. The volume of the music felt like it had grown, the bass reverberating through her bones, rattling her insides. The roar of conversation became louder until her eardrums rang.
"I..." Sam's words replayed themselves in her head. If you think they'll look at you any differently, then you're wrong. He had proven her wrong on so many scales — had really seen her when she had felt invisible for the longest time. She had to believe him now. "I have...anxiety."
The final word was a mere murmur, but when Cassidy's eyebrows lifted, Nevada knew that she had heard.
"Oh. Oh. Oh God, Nevada. I had no idea." She slapped one of her cheeks with a palm as her mouth parted in an O. "Okay. That makes sense. Forgive me for this — but I'd assumed that you were either rude or extremely shy when we first tried talking to you. God, I feel like a bitch."
"Don't apologize," Nevada cut her off. The entire situation was far from Cassidy's fault. She hadn't known, and she couldn't have expected her to guess. "And I am shy, actually. The cherry on top, I guess." She pointed at Cassidy's cup. "I don't drink because it makes it worse."
Cassidy nodded. "Makes sense," she repeated. "Does anyone else—?" She cut herself off then, realization washing over her as her face cleared. "Sam knows, doesn't he?"
Nevada gave her a slow nod.
"He's really fucking smart. Goddamn. Carter told me that his grades are average, but he really understands people. He's a genius."
She couldn't argue with that. Nevada had suspected that his marks were mediocre, but intelligence came in many forms, and there was a way that Sam absorbed the word around him that hinted at his cleverness. "That—and he...sort of caught me in the middle of a panic attack."
"Fuck." Cassidy ran a hand through her hair, mussed for the occasion with hairspray. "I did really judge you, Nevada." She frowned. "I'm sorry. I've always liked you, but I mistook your silence for dislike in return."
"You have nothing to apologize for, Cass."
Her lip quirked upward, and she dropped her arm to her side. "I guess."
Nevada heaved a shaky breath. Telling Cassidy about her mental illness had felt impossible, like her throat was blocked, preventing her from speaking. But the second she did, without hearing her response, the tightness in her shoulders vanished. Her breathing came easier now, and a soft smile graced her features.
Sam had been right. She needed to thank him before they went their separate ways.
"Can I ask one thing?" Cassidy said, gesturing towards her with her cup. When Nevada nodded, she continued, "Did you think it would make a difference?"
Her eyebrows furrowed.
"I mean, this doesn't change anything between us. I still like you, Nevada. I want us to be friends." Cassidy grinned: a rare show of affection from the usual firecracker. "I'm happy that you feel comfortable sharing it with me. But I'm not going to look at you any differently." She shrugged. "What I mean to say is that you're still Nevada: quiet, extraordinarily kind, and a great human being. Your mental illness isn't your whole label." She paused. "Does that make sense? I feel like that might've been an underhanded compliment?"
Her heart warmed. For someone who often stuck by Alicia and whose smiles were rare and well-earned, the words she shared meant the world. It was what she'd needed to hear, even though she hadn't known that herself.
"I liked it," she said.
it's been a while, you guys! i'm so sorry, but between school and easter, writing was not a priority of mine. but it's camp nanowrimo, and i'm a bit of an idiot because i'm doing it even though i'm approaching finals season!! we'll see how this goes. i'm aiming to finish cold sweetness and then move onto uncontrollable!
let me know what you thought! we're nearing the end — only four more chapters to go, i believe! please leave comments as they mean the world to me, and keep me motivated. (i'm needy, i'm sorry lmao)
enjoy your weekend! i might have another update for this weekend, but no promises!
x carolina