Chapter 22 - In the Wake
I woke up to a sour taste in my mouth. Without even opening my eyes I knew the sun would make my head throb, and I was immediately overcome with the urge to vomit. For a moment I laid there, ready to fall back asleep, before the events of the previous night flooded my memory. I sat straight up, a pain shooting through my back that made me cry out in pain.
"Shiloh," a deep voice said, and all of a sudden he was by my side. I flinched when he touched my hand even though I instantly recognized his voice. "Hey, it's okay. It's me, Ben."
"I know," I said, slowly looking up at him. I was in my room, although I had no idea how I had gotten there. I looked around, half expecting to find the haunting trees still towering over me, Marks' hands still touching me...I shivered. "What the hell happened?"
Anger flashed through his eyes. "That piece of shit...He tried to..."
"But he didn't...?" It came out as a question, because truthfully, I wasn't sure. My whole body hurt, but I wasn't sure if that was from getting so drunk or from the...attack. I remembered him touching me, running his hands everywhere, but after that, things got a bit blurry. My head felt like it had been run over by a truck.
"I don't think so, no," Ben gulped, slowly sitting next to me on the bed. I scooted over a little, wishing he wouldn't touch me. This was Ben and he made me feel safe, and yet in that moment I did not want to be touched ever again. "When I caught him, he had his hand..." He trailed off, looking at his hands. "I kicked his ass, I wasn't even sure he was still alive...Jeremy found us and pulled me off of him...I didn't know what you would want me to do, if I should call the cops or my parents or...I snuck you up here until you could decide what you wanted to do." His eyes looked soft, filled with pity and confusion.
"Thank you," I whispered, pulling my legs up to my chest. That, at least, I was grateful for. I felt dirty, used...stupid. "I-I don't think I want anyone to know about this."
"But Shi-"
"I said no one!" I snapped, jumping to my feet. I crossed my arms across my chest in an attempt to cover my body. "I was stupid, I got way too drunk-"
"That doesn't mean you were asking for it," Ben exclaimed, "Don't you dare tell yourself this is your fault. He tried to rape you!"
I flinched at his words, swallowing hard. "If I hadn't drank so much-"
"He put something in your drink," Ben growled, making fists with his hands. It looked like he wanted to punch something. "When he brought that vodka, he didn't want Rylin to drink it. I don't have proof, but I think-"
"I don't care," hearing about it made my skin crawl. All I wanted to do was forget anything ever happened. In fact, I really wished I could go back in time and do the whole night over. "If I had just gone home and gone to sleep, none of this would have happened. It's my fault. All I want to do is take a hot shower and forget anything ever happened."
"I really don't think-"
"Enough, Ben!" I screamed, throwing my hands in the air. "You waited to hear what I wanted to do for a reason. Now you have to respect my decision and leave me the hell alone." Without another word I turned on my heels and practically ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. Fighting tears, I tugged off my dirty clothing and threw them straight into the trash can. I didn't want anything to remind me of that night ever again.
When I stood under the water it was so hot it burned my skin, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Every time I closed my eyes I could feel Marks' hands running down my arms, across my chest, down my stomach...I gritted my teeth and turned the water even hotter, hissing as it turned my skin bright red. The tears that slowly mixed in with the running water were unintentional, and yet I couldn't stop them. Slowly, I let myself fall to the shower floor and sobbed, praying no one could hear me.
My grandmother had always told me I held in my emotions until I reached a breaking point. She said I was trying to be strong for my sisters, but I needed to think about myself as well. Deep down I knew what I was doing, but burying my emotions just always seemed easier than wearing my heart on my sleeve. Someone had to be the strong one. Someone had to set an example. I was the big sister, it was my job, and in this situation, burying my emotions and pretending nothing happened was definitely much easier than speaking the truth.
I cried until I had no tears left. My head was pounding, my nose felt so stuffed I thought it would explode, and my throat was raw from muffled cries. I didn't know how long I had been in there, but my fingers were shriveled up like prunes and my back popped when I finally stood up. The mirror was fogy, so I wiped a hand across the glass and stared at myself, wiping my eyes one last time.
Okay, Shiloh, I told myself, forcing a fake smile. It didn't reach my eyes, but I knew it would be enough to convince everybody else. You're fine. Nothing happened. Today is a normal day, just like yesterday and just like tomorrow. You're going to go downstairs and eat breakfast, and you'll never tell a single soul what happened. You've got this.
It could have been worse, right? Realistically, if Ben hadn't shown up, it would've been much, much worse. Thats what I told myself when I wrapped a towel around my body and made my way back into my bedroom. Much to my relief, Ben was gone. There was a bottle of Advil on my desk along with a cup of water and a note that said, feel better. I threw the note in the trash and downed a couple pills, chugging the whole glass of water.
I was not looking forward to breakfast.
I put on the baggiest t-shirt and sweatpants I could find before I jogged downstairs. The house was surprisingly quiet for a Sunday morning, so I assumed everyone was already going about their day. When I stepped into the kitchen Rosie scrubbing the counter, headphones in one ear and her baby on one hip. "Oh, hey Shiloh, I thought you were gone for the day, too," she smiled, setting Justin on the floor. He ran over to me, holding his hands in the air. The clock behind her read 4PM - I struggled not to act surprised.
"Just having a bit of a lazy day," I chuckled, hoisting Justin to my hip. I hugged him, nuzzling his head to my neck and taking a long, deep breath. His hair smelt like baby powder and shampoo, it was only comforting. His chubby hands around my neck made it feel like a weight had been lifted off my chest. "Is he tired?"
"Poor thing has an ear infection I think," Rosie frowned, "He's been holding his ear all day and just screamed whenever I tried to put him down. I'm going to take him to the doctor first thing in the morning."
"I'll try to get him to nap," I told her, giving her one of the fake smiles I had practiced. She frowned even deeper and opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off. "I insist. He must be exhausted and you'll get so much more work done if I take him. We'll be up in my room if you need us."
"Thank you, Shiloh," she said, smiling at me. I smiled back one more time before I turned and headed back up the stairs, baby in my arms.
"Hey buddy," I whispered, running one hand through his hair. His head was still resting on my shoulder and his breathing was heavy. "I bet your ear hurts, huh? Well I'll tell you a secret, I'm hurting too...But here's the deal, we're going to cuddle up and sleep for a little while, and when we wake up we'll feel all better, okay?" I had told myself I wasn't going to think about it, but every time I let my thoughts wander I could feel flashes of panic coursing through my body. Holding Justin helped to take away a small fraction of that anxiety.
When we got to my room I immediately laid down and let Justin lay on my stomach, head resting in the middle of my chest. I rubbed his back, quietly humming as I stoked him. Within minutes he was fast a sleep, and not long after that I followed him.
***
I woke up in a cold sweat, heart pounding. It took every ounce of my self control not to scream as I sat straight up, throwing my body from my bed and landing on the floor with a thud. I could still feel hands running over my body, touching me, reaching for my....My legs gave out and I crumpled into a ball on the carpet, grabbing fistfuls of hair and pulling. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks as I gasped for breath, but every time I tried my chest just felt tighter.
You're better than this, Shiloh, I told myself. But the dream had just been so...Realistic. It felt like I was living that night over again. Marks was on top of me, stroking me, violating me...Why wouldn't it go away!
Justin was gone, which I was very grateful for. It was completely dark outside, so I presumed his mother had taken him when she went home for the day. I was left alone in my giant room, sobbing and unable to breathe. It felt like hours before the tears finally just stopped. It was like I didn't have any more to cry. My cheeks felt swollen and my throat was dry. My whole body ached. Groaning, I pushed myself up and grabbed my phone from the desk.
3AM. Great. There were several texts from Ry and Jeremy, a few from Ben, and one from Savannah asking if I was coming down for dinner. I had slept through the whole day, and now I was wide awake. Besides, after that dream I never wanted to sleep again. I rubbed my eyes, wiping away the remaining tears and tucking my phone into my bra, before starting the long walk downstairs. As I approached the living room, I could hear the TV echoing through the halls. Who the hell was awake at this hour?
Hesitantly, I poked my head around the corner. Ben was asleep on the couch, mouth hanging open, slumped over the arm. Soft snores came from his lips every time his chest rose and fell. The only light in the room was the flickering of the TV from whatever movie he had been watching. His phone had fallen at his feet. I was guessing he dropped it as he drifted off to sleep. Silently, I tiptoed forward and scooped it off the ground.
I wasn't trying to be nosy, but as soon as I picked it up the screen lit up. There was no notifications; it was the lock screen that made my heart skip a beat. It was a picture of me. Me! There was this light in my eyes, my mouth open in mid laugh. I was outside so pieces of my hair flew around messily, outlining the shape of my face. I looked so happy.
"That was at the family barbecue," Ben's voice, husky from sleep, groaned. I jumped, dropping the phone from my hand. I jumped again when it landed on the floor, the thump echoing through the halls.
"Shit," I gasped, jumping to pick it up. I tossed it at him aimlessly, cheeks flaring red. "I'm so sorry, I wasn't trying-"
"I'm not mad," he cut me off, locking eyes with me. I stiffened. "I took that at the barbecue. I think you were laughing at something my dumbass brother said, but you looked so beautiful...You weren't worried about what anybody else thought of you, you weren't stressing over everybody else, you weren't trying to be the control freak that you usually are...You were just you, enjoying yourself, and I wanted that to last forever."
"I..."I didn't know what to say. Wordlessly, I grabbed my phone from my bra and unlocked it, turning it around to show him the picture on the screen. It was us, hugging. The one Rylin had took. A huge grin spread across his face as he grabbed the phone to take a closer look.
"Well look at that," he chuckled, shaking his head. "We're pretty darn cute." His words made my heart skip a beat. There was just something about the way he looked at me when we locked eyes, an emotion I just couldn't describe, that made it hard to breathe. It was like the rest of the world melted away when he looked at me like that; like I was the only person that mattered.
Suddenly, his fingers brushed mine. I jumped back, all the way to the other end of the couch, having to bite back a scream. I bit my tongue so hard the biter taste of blood exploded into my mouth. "Oh my god," he exclaimed, jumping to his feet. He reached out to grab me but I flinched again, jumping to my feet and backing away from his open embrace. Slowly, he dropped his arms to his sides. "I'm so sorry."
What was wrong with me? "I...I..." I felt like I was going to throw up. My heart was beating so fast I could feel it in my throat, like I had just ran five miles. The room was dark around us, the only light coming from the TV playing some movie that had been forgotten. I wished I could melt away into the shadows and just forget about everything. "Sorry," I barely managed to squeak the word through the knot in my throat.
"Hey, it's okay," he whispered, taking a step closer to me. It was really hard not to flinch again. "Can I hug you?" For a moment I stood still, silent. My arms were crossed over my chest as if that would somehow help hide me from the mortification. I nodded and braced myself, taking a deep breath. Ben's arms wrapped around me, resting in the small of my back. He rubbed small circles with his thumbs, pressing into my lower and middle back. I stiffened. I couldn't help it. My whole body wanted to shake and convulse until I was free from his hold.
But this was Ben! Benjamin! Usually I found his hugs warm and comforting, if not even a little exciting. My feelings for him hadn't changed. He still gave me butterflies, I still loved the way his eyes lit up when he smiled, I still thought deep down he had this heart of gold. I still admired the way he looked out for his family so intensely, how much his family mattered to him. He was still the Ben I was falling in love with.
I sucked in a breath and stepped away from him, startled by my own realization. Was I really falling in love with this man? I saw his eyes fall slightly from my sudden movement, but if it bothered him he didn't say anything. He just slowly stepped away and sat back down on the couch, leaning on the arm so his head rested in one hand. I stood there silently, heart still racing, lost in my own thoughts.
"Hey," he said, making me shake, "it's okay. After what you've been though.."
"That's not what this is about," I snapped, although I didn't mean to. He looked surprised by my outburst, but didn't say anything else. Slowly, I lowered myself back onto the couch, pulling my legs up to my chest. Could I honestly say my new fear of being touched had nothing to do with Marks? I said I didn't want anybody to know and that I was fine, but I sure wasn't acting like it. And I couldn't control myself. "Look, I'm sorry..."
"I know," he smiled at me, holding out his hand. I looked at him warily, but I took it anyway, breathing deep as I laced my fingers through his. "I'm here if you ever want to talk about anything, you know I wouldn't judge you or think any less of you." Forcing a smile, I nodded.
"It's just that...I don't know," I sighed, leaning my head back to rest on the couch. "When I close my eyes, I feel him. I feel his weight on top of me, his fingers stroking down my sides, gripping my boobs, going into my pants..."I felt sick, but once I started it was like I couldn't stop. "I wanted to stop him, Ben," my voice cracked. I was crying and I hadn't even realized it. "I wanted to fight but I- I couldn't move. My brain said run, punch, kick, do something but I couldn't move my arms and the longer he was on top of me the harder it was to breathe. I couldn't even keep my eyes open but I knew it was wrong and I just-"
"Hey, shhh," he cooed, "It's okay," he reached out again, presumably to hug me, but I jumped to my feet. There were so many tears in my eyes I couldn't even see clearly, he was just a blur on the couch mixed with sadness and sorrow.
"I'm sorry, I can't," I gasped. Tears burned my eyes and back of my throat, and yet I couldn't stop them. Breathing was getting harder and harder as my chest started to feel more heavy. Reality was slipping away; I could feel myself getting lost in the memories, thinking of that happened, thinking of him. "I'm sorry," And with that I turned and ran, leaving him sitting there on the couch without looking back.
*Not edited, sorry for mistakes*