Twenty-Three: Vanessa Gerleen
HINDI ko pa ganoon nanamnam iyong huling sinabi ni Tyler ay agad nang sumingit 'yung host.
"Ito na po 'yung maswerteng nakakuha ng flowers at garter," sabi nung host sa mga nanonood saka ito lumapit sa amin ni Tyler. "Interviewhin muna po natin sila saglit."
"Pangalan po nilang dalawa?" tanong nito at sa akin unang tinapat iyong microphone.
"Vanessa," mahina kong sagot.
"Anak-anakan ko iyan!" Narinig kong medyo malakas na sigaw mula doon sa gilid.
Agad na napunta ang tingin ko doon at nakita si Lola Leona na ang laki ng ngiti sa akin. Naroon din yung ilang mga matandang nakakahalubilo ko kapag dumadalaw dito. Kimi naman akong kumaway sa kanila.
"Naku, Vanessa. Ang dami mo palang taga-suporta dito ha," komento nung host kasunod ng mahinang tawa.
Nahihiya lang akong napangiti. Sunod na itong pumunta kay Tyler at doon nagtanong. "Kayo po, Sir?"
"Tyler," mabilis niyang sagot at hindi nakaligtas sa akin iyong mahinang hiyawan doon sa gilid. Mula doon sa ibang kababaihan na kasama kong nag-abang nung bulaklak kanina.
Kanina ko pa naman sila napapansin habang nasa pila'y panay ang tingin doon sa grupo ng mga kalalakihan. Kung kanina'y wala akong ideya kung bakit nila iyon ginagawa. Ngayo'y alam na alam ko na.
Napahagikhik din iyong host. "Naku, maraming kinikilig d'un sa gilid, Sir Tyler," sabi pa nito.
Mayroong tumawa mula doon sa mga matatanda.
Lumayo na sa amin 'yung host pero mayroon pang pinahabol doon sa mga babae sa gilid. "Sorry girls pero si Ma'am Vanessa ang maswerte ngayong gabi."
Nagsitawanan na naman iyong mga nanonood pero ako naman ay nagsisimula ng madagdagan ang kabang nadarama. Gaano ba kami katagal tatayo dito?
"Alam kong hindi pa kayo pareho married," umpisang muli nung host. "Pero, pareho bang single, as in not in a relationship?"
Umiling ako doon sa host. Hindi ko alam kung anong ginawa ni Tyler pero nagulat na lang ako ng biglang nanunukso na iyong mga nanonood.
"Yun, parehong not in a relationship!" dagdag nung host at mas lumakas pa iyong ingay sa audience.
"Naku, mukhang shiniship na kayong dalawa ng mga nanay at tatay natin dito sa Golden Lives," sabi nung host. At pakiramdam ko'y ang pula pula na ng tenga ko. Hindi ko alam kung maging iyong pisngi pero nakakaloka. Kailan ba matatapos ito?
At tila narinig nung host iyong tahimik kong tanong na iyon. Nagpatuloy na ito. "Hindi ko alam kung pamilyar kayong dalawa sa tradisyon pero kung sinuman ang nakakuha noong garter ay kailangan niya itong isuot doon sa nakakuha ng bulaklak. At dahil nga ikaw Sir Tyler yung nakakuha noong garter at ikaw naman Ma'am Vanessa sa bulaklak, kayong dalawa 'yung gagawa nitong tradisyon."
Natigilan ako. I was not aware of this. When my parents got married...well I was not here in the world yet so I didn't witness it. Tapos doon sa kasal naman nung isa naming kamag-anak walang naging ganitong ceremony.
Well I knew about the flowers. Na kung sinong makakasalo noon ay siyang ikakasal na susunod. But with the garter stuff? I was clueless.
At hindi pa ako nakakaget over sa sinabi nito kanina'y nagsalita na naman iyong host. "Sige po, Ma'am Vanessa, pwede na kayong umupo doon sa may silya sa gitna habang si Sir Tyler ay maghanda na rin para isuot iyong garter."
Kahit sa kabadong estado ay umupo ako roon sa silya. It was not like it's me doing things. Parang may kung ano na lang yung nagpapakilos sa akin. The host again told us na sa legs ko raw ilalagay iyong garter.
And she made me adjust my legs that I moved forward the right one. Yung leg kung saan ilalagay ni Tyler iyong garter.
I was in that position, still slightly trembling when I saw Tyler kneeled before me in one knee. Then he moved his eyes up and our gazes met.
I swallowed. Hindi ko lang kinaya. This was the only time we were face to face after that awkward interview portion. At hindi ko alam, siguro nga'y halata na sa mukha ko iyong kaba kaya't bahagyang ngumiti si Tyler sa akin. Then he mouthed, "Relax."
Doon na ako nagpakawala ng hininga na kanina pa pinipigilan. Nangiti na rin ako sa kanya. Saka sinabing, "First time kong gagawin 'to."
He smiled bigger at that. "You're not the only one. Don't worry."
I just blew another deep breath at that.
Tyler gave me a single tap on my knee. "Just relax. I won't do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable," seryoso niyang sabi at naniwala ako roon.
I would have to admit that never did he make an unnecessary move on me. Never did he took advantage. Even before.
At kahit pa dati'y nakita ko iyon bilang rejection. Perhaps now, I could say that's how Tyler respects me.
Kaya naman buong tiwala akong tumango sa kanya. "I know," I agreed. "That's why thank you."
At doon ay hinudyatan na nung host si Tyler na isuot na sa binti ko yung garter. And he did. Slowly. Carefully.
Pero kahit na gaano pa kaingat si Tyler sa pagsuot noon, hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi na kumalma iyong kalooban ko.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit tila nanganak yung kung anumang mga insekto na nasa tyan ko ngayon at sila'y nagpaparty ngayon.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit balot ako ng medyo makapal na jeans ay tila sa balat ko mismo dumadantay iyong mga daliri ni Tyler.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa inosenteng pagsuot niya sa akin ng garter ay kung anu-ano nang naglalaro sa isipan ko.
Ano ba, Vanessa?
When Tyler reached just an inch above my knee, he stopped then looked at me again, still not moving his hands away.
Hindi ko alam kung anong meron sa tingin niya pero mas lumala lang iyong nadarama ko ngayon, maging yung isipan ko mas naging imaginative. Kung saan-saan na pumunta.
At kahit pa kanina pa anong saway ang gawin ko ay tila may sarili itong mga isip.
And no, that darn eyes of Tyler and the way he looked at me now really was not helping.
"Is it okay?" narinig kong tanong mula sa kanya.
I tried to concentrate and searched in my mind why he was asking that. Doon napunta saglit ang tingin ko doon sa mga matatanda na nagrerequest ng "taas, taas, taas."
At doon ko pa lang nakuha kung ano na 'yung kaganapan. Hindi ko alam talaga kung hanggang saan ba dapat ang aabutin nitong garter pero sa ganyang tingin ni Tyler kahit 'ata saan niya sabihin ay papayag ako.
So I did nod at him.
And at that he resumed with his task. But darn, this time his gaze didn't leave mine. At kung kanina'y sobra sobra na iyong nararamdaman ko, ngayon ay mas tumaas pa ata iyong level.
At noong dumating na sa puntong halos bibigay na ako sa kung anu-anong nadarama ay biglang nawala iyong hawak ni Tyler. Namalayan ko na lang na nakatayo na siya doon sa tabi ko at napuno ng palakpakan doon at hiyawan doon sa loob ng hall. It was done.
Ngumiti ako sa mga tao pero hindi lumaon ay bumaba iyong tingin ko roon sa binti at tinitigan iyong garter. That garter that reached my middle thigh.
*
"Thank you, Vanessa at Tyler sa pagdalo ha," sabi ni Ms. Sally nang inihatid kami kung saan nakapark iyong sasakyan.
"Wala pong anuman," ako na ang sumagot. "Naenjoy po namin."
"Ay lalo naman kami," makahulugang sagot ni Ms. Sally. Napatikhim na lang ako roon.
Naku! Ayoko nang balikan iyong kanina. Matapos iyong laro ay ibinalik na namin sa mag asawa iyong bulaklak at garter. At nang ginawa ko iyon ay sinabay kong hilingin na sana'y makalimutan ng mga tao ang katatapos lang na naganap.
Na alam ko namang malabong mangyari. Kitang-kita ko kanina kung ilan iyong kumukuha ng video sa ginawa namin.
At siguro'y napansin ni Ms. Sally ang pagbago ng timpla ng mukha ko't hindi na rin nito itinuloy ang naunang topic. Sa halip sinabi na lang nito. "Sana'y mas madalas kayong makabisita dito."
Ngumiti naman ako dito. "Susubukan po namin, kapag medyo maluwag po yung oras."
Tumango si Ms. Sally doon saka nagpaalam na rin sa amin.
Sumakay na kami ni Tyler sa Explorer at nagbiyahe na.
We were quiet as the vehicle made its way out of the place. Pero nang nasa kahabaan na kami ng highway, si Tyler ang unang nagsalita. "I had fun."
Napatingin ako sa kanya't ngumiti. "Ako rin," sang-ayon ko. "Even with that silly game," I scrunched up my nose but gently smiled again. "Salamat din pala ha. Thank you for being a gentleman earlier."
He laughed at that. Napataas naman ang kilay ko. Bakit kaya?
"Why?" I curiously asked.
Tyler shook his head as if dismissing my question. Pero nang lumaon ay sumagot na rin siya matapos ang isang buntong hininga. "Nothing," mabilis niyang tinapunan ako ng tingin. "It's just that you're the first one who called me that."
"Gentleman?" pagkumpirma ko kahit alam ko naman ang sagot. Nang tumango si Tyler ay napanguso naman ako. But why? I mean gentlemanly naman talaga yung ginawa niya ah.
So I asked him that. "Why?"
He casted me an amused look. Then he shrugged. "Well, girls just don't call me that." Tumigil siya't ngayon ay napansin kong iyong ngiti ay bahagyang lumaki. "Not especially in bed."
I was taken aback at that. Not really what I was expecting. But that also didn't stop my mind to wander to different places.
I almost forgot Tyler's reputation when it comes to girls and to activities concerning them and a bed. Pakiramdam ko'y nag-init iyong pisngi ko.
And somehow, that made me think if Tyler was still doing it. Gusto ko namang batukan ang sarili. Kailangan ko pa ba talagang itanong iyon?
But then, almost everyday, I got to see him. Parang doon lang naman siya sa Montereal Place kapag hindi sa school. Saka kung may dinala man siya doon sa kabilang unit, dapat narinig ko na kung mayroon man silang kababalaghang ginagawa.
But that never happened. Or maybe, I just missed it. Or another maybe, he did it with some girl in an entire different place.
I should not be thinking about this really. Kaya't itinigil ko na.
I just used my card on Tyler. "Okay. Agreed to be the first one then," I answered at Tyler.
Tumingin siya sa akin, napataas ang kilay. "First one to?"
I smiled at him amiably. "First girl to call you gentleman."
Tyler laughed at that. Heartily, might I add. Iniwas na niya ang tingin sa akin saka tumingin sa daan.
"Okay," came his short reply.
"But you're really that to me," pilit ko. "Actually 'yun ang first impression ko sayo."
Tumingin muli sa akin si Tyler, sa ekspresyon ng mukha niya'y halatang nagtataka.
So I went on. "It was one time Kuya Robert brought you guys at home. You helped me with my things then, doon sa hagdan."
Bahagyang lumaki ang mata ni Tyler at alam kong naalala na niya. "Well, yeah, I did," he quickly glanced at me. "Because you're so thin then at ang bigat ng bitbit mo. Natakot ako na baka makalas buto mo."
I huffed in disbelief and looked away. But then he laughed again and I knew he was just kidding.
Well, I was really scrawny back then. I was glad the years after that had been good to me. Medyo nagkalaman naman ako at nagkaroon ng kahit kaunting korte.
Nang hindi ako agad sumagot, nagsalitang muli si Tyler. "Did I offend you?"
Agad akong umiling, ang mga mata'y nasa labas pa rin. "No," sagot ko. "Don't worry. It's cool."
"Good," aniya. "I don't want you mad at me."
Doon ako napatingin sa kanya. I don't know but his answer made me smile for some reason.
"I'm craving for something sweet. I don't know sa mga ulam siguro kanina," pauna ni Tyler saka sinulyapan ako. "Okay lang bang dumaan tayo ng convenient store?"
Agad naman akong tumango. "Sure."
Tumigil kami doon sa convenient store na nakita at dahil nasa kahabaan pa rin iyon ng baywalk, napagdesisyunan namin na tumambay muna. Naglakad kami papalapit doon sa isa sa mga bench na nakaharap doon sa dagat at doon umupo.
Luminga ako sa paligid at nakitang halos magkasintahan ang mga naririto. Halos lahat din ay nasa PDA mode.
Iniwas ko na lang ang tingin bago kung ano pa ang makita ko saka binuksan na iyong ice cream na libre ni Tyler.
"Na-try mo nang mag-yatch?"
Napatingin ako kay Tyler na ngayon ay nakatingin na rin sa akin. I shook my head at him. "Never. Ikaw?"
He gave a single nod. "Si Drew, I don't know if you still remember him. Basta one of our friends," he said. "He owns one. Actually it's his dad. Pero madalas kapag nagpaparty siya, doon ginaganap. Meron din silang isa pa doon sa Zambales."
I nodded, as I continued to eat the ice cream. My mind started to wander again to what kind of parties they were having inside a yatch. Maybe, wild ones. Them in swimming clothes, them getting wet, them...
I sighed. I was at it again. Bakit ba saan saan pumupunta imagination ko?
"One time, let's go to a yatch ride together."
Agad akong napatinging muli kay Tyler sa tinuran niyang 'yun. Did I hear him right? Yatch ride together?
I smiled. I liked that concept. And I really hoped would not just remain a concept.
"Anyway," sabi ulit ni Tyler, inubos muna iyong natitirang ice cream saka nagpatuloy, "parang enjoy na enjoy ka kanina noong ceremony."
Biglang napataas ang kilay ko. Anong ibig niyang sabihin?
Agad naman niyang napansin ang pagbabago sa mukha ko. Agad niyang nilinaw ang sinasabi. "I mean during the exchange of vows. You really seem into it."
Nakahinga naman ako ng maluwag. Kala ko kung ano na. "Well, because I did," sagot kong nakangiti saka tinapos na rin ang pagkain ng ice cream. "I mean for me that's my favorite part of a wedding, yung vows. Well, aside from-"
"The kiss part?"
I glared at Tyler. He chuckled and made a peace sign. "Sorry, I won't interrupt again. Promise."
Alright. Forgiven.
"So I was saying the part where the couple are to be proclaimed as husband and wife. Yun ang isang part kong gusto. Pero doon kasi sa vows, I don't know it's like the most important for me and...sacred. Like it's the time where everything can be flashed on the couple's mind. Yung past, present and their future together. Wala lang, sobra lang vital nung part na 'yun."
Then my mind wandered again, to the times I was imagining myself doing that vow. But this time, I didn't do it silently. "Know what, even before naiisip ko na 'yun. I wonder how will I tell my vow someday. Anong sasabihin ko. But lagi wala akong naiisip. Then I thought, maybe wala pa kasi ako doon sa situation. But even then, I know na 'yung vow na bibitawan ko someday talagang gagawin ko in every circumstance that I and my future partner in life will face. For better, for worst, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."
Doon natawa si Tyler. At sa ginawa niyang iyon ay doon ko pa lang napagtanto ang mga sinabi ko.
Nasapo sa noo. Naman. Nakakahiya. Talagang sinabi ko pa iyon.
Tumigil na si Tyler sa pagtawa pero ako'y nakatungo pa rin, hindi na makagalaw sa dating pwesto. I just can't. Nakakahiya talaga.
Then he said something that really caught my whole attention.
"You'll make a good wife."
Dahan-dahan din akong napatingala at tinapatan ang tingin niya.
I smiled when I remembered him with his niece. Ganoon din kay Nanay Belen. He's good with kids. He's also have a heart for elderly.
"You'll make a good husband, too," I answered back.
Tyler let out a sad smile. Gusto kong itanong kung may nasabi ba akong hindi maganda. But he answered it for me. "I'm afraid that can never happen."
"What do you mean?" taka kong tanong.
He sighed. "Well, since friends do share stuffs about their lives, I'll tell it to you." Ngumisi pa si Tyler pero hindi pa rin nawala iyong bakas ng lungkot sa mata niya.
Tumango lang ako, hinintay siyang magpatuloy.
"I don't believe in long term relationships," direkta niyang sabi. "Well, not in general I guess since there are really good and successful ones. Siguro, it's more of like relationship that I'll be part of. I don't think I can be ever in one."
Iyon ba ang dahilan kung bakit puro casual relationship lang ang meron siya?
"Why?" hindi ko na mapigilan pang itanong.
He shrugged. "I don't know, really. Maybe because the kind of relationships I witnessed growing up weren't really good ones. I don't know if you know about my parents but I grew up in a broken home," he shared.
I was aware of that but I remained silent.
Nagpatuloy naman si Tyler. "Siguro nakita ko lang kung paano masaktan ang Mommy dahil sa tatay ko. Tapos ilang taon lang ang lumipas, nangyari rin sa ate ko. His husband did break her too."
"Same problem," patuloy niya. "They were unfaithful to their wives. And I really can feel I will do the same so as early as I can decide, told myself I won't commit ever and do the same mistake as they did. And that I will draw the line where girls stand in my life. No strings attached. That way, no one will be led on. No expectations so no one will get hurt."
I contemplated the things he just said. I was not a genius when reading someone. Pero may pakiramdam ako na hindi naman talaga dahil sa gusto niya kaya't ganyan 'yung pananaw niya.
He was driven with fear that he'll hurt someone like what the people did to the women that was dear to him. Sa Mommy niya at sa ate niya.
He was afraid to fail. He was afraid he would be unfaithful. He was too afraid and that fear already drowned the love he should be feeling.
At doon ay takot din ako. Para sa kanya.
Paano kung hindi na siya makaahon? Paano kung habambuhay na lang na ganyan yung pananaw niya?
Darating pa ba 'yung panahon na magbabago pa iyong isip niya?
Napahinga ako nang malalim. Siguro.
Siguro kapag dumating na 'yung taong talagang bubulabog sa puso niya. Yung mamahalin niya talaga ng sobra. Sobra-sobra na kayang tunawin ng pagmamahal na iyon iyong takot na nasa puso niya.
That girl who would change his perspective about love. That girl who will make him want to commit again.
At sino naman kaya ang babaeng iyon?