By the time Monday rolled around, I was absolutely terrifed. I had no idea what to expect on this surprisingly cloudy morning, because I haven't been able to predict anything lately. It feels as though everyday is just another surprise; an open book with pages left blank to fill with more things that scare me. I haven't talked to anyone I'm associated with since yesterday morning. And the last person that I did see, happened to not only insult me, but make me stay up the whole night contiplating literally everything. I didn't really understand why Michael felt the need to come all the way to my house (even if it's not that far away), or why I left his words ring in my ear the whole night. Honestly, I don't understand why.
I wanted to believe Michael when he told me that Brooke wasn't helping me at all, but at the same time I couldn't. I want my friends (Michael, Luke, Calum, etc) to know that I do trust them...but when they talk shit about the girl that I am literally in love with and can't seem to stop falling in love with everyday, then I can't trust them. Michael seemed so serious...yet so irrational at the same time. He doesn't know Brooke, does he? No. Of course he doesn't. I don't see how he ever could, when he's not the one that's been with her almost every day for all these months.
I just don't get what they're all trying to tell me. From these past few weeks, I feel like everyday all three of them (Michael, Luke, Calum, etc. Mostly Michael.) have been dropping little hints to me that they don't want me to be with her anymore. I've told them so many times to just leave me alone about it, but they never do. Why can't they just move on and realize Brooke and I's relationship isn't on this..this downward sprial? Although sometimes the things she's says hurts me deep down, maybe I'm the same way. Maybe I need to stop being so controlling...but maybe I need to protect her. Both of those options are the complete opposites from each other, so I don't know which one is more important. I want to keep her safe, but I don't want her to hate me.
I ended up getting out of bed 10 minutes after my alarm clock went off, but I didn't really have a problem with that. I'm terrified to get to school today, especially after last week. That was terrible; the laughing, name calling, and constant staring from my peers was worse than a lot of things that tick me off and sadden me. Obviously, I don't know how to deal with it... since the previous ways I used to deal with my own insecurites wasn't necessarily nice, either. Maybe today could be better, as I only hoped so.
I haven't spoken to Brooke since Saturday morning...and even though she had said 'I will see you tomorrow.', she never came back yesterday. I don't know if I was supposed to be expecting her to maybe call at the least, but she never did. I mean...I could've called her, but I was scared to. I didn't want to wake her or make her angry. As this has already been established, I'm petrified by making her angry with me.
I headed out the door to go to school with not a lot of time to spare. I hoped and prayed that today will all work out, but I found myself being very doubtful of that.
...
I slowly but surely walked up the steps of my school, feeling my heart begin to pound. I wasn't sure if I was currently overreacting with my nervous habits, but I really couldn't help feeling as though I was already being watched. I glanced around for any source of descrimination, but so far I didn't see many eyes staring at me. I don't get whats so amazing about staring me down; I'm not a chained up circus animal.
"Heard you got beat up on Friday," My heart stopped to the sound of Nick's voice behind me. As much as my mind instantly told me to look at him right in his douchey eyes and tell him to leave me alone, all I could do was stare out in front of me, and somehow keep walking. I could see him from the corner of my eyes that he was casually strolling right beside me, obviously waiting for me to say something.
"Yeah, how did that feel?" Another person that looked to be one of Nick's kind of friends added, along with the sound of mixed laughter behind me. I somehow managed to stop my feet from trying to flee, and I spun around to face them all. Coincidentally, I recognized every person as someone that I have managed to pretty much treat like shit in the past. My hands gripped one another behind my back and I gulped.
"...What?" I said awkwardly.
"Remember when you beat me up?" Nick chuckled. Memories of my old and poor ways of dealing with my problems flooded into my already clouded mind.
"B-Because you s-slapped Brooke-" I tried to defend myself, but they all laughed again.
"How bad are the bruises?" He asked, taunted. I took a slow step back, shaking my head.
"They didn't beat me up."
"Oh really? That's all I've heard," Nick replied. "What, are you too pathetic to admit it all?"
"Admit what?" I asked, wanting nothing more than to disappear.
"That not only are you weak," Nick answered, giving me a little shove. "But it was all an act?"
"No it wasn't!" I protested, stumbling back. "Why do you all think that I was faking?"
"Because it makes sense!" Nick laughed. They all laughed.
"I'm just..." My voice trailed off, and I felt cornered. I felt as though no matter what I could say right now, it wouldn't matter. I've been insulted. "...I'm trying to be a better person, okay?"
"Sure," Nick laughed again, as they all did. Apparently my fearful demeanor is amusing to them; I guess it would be amusing to me, too. He stepped towards me again, but I involuntarily took a step back. I didn't want to be this close to any of them..they all looked ready to tackle me to the ground.
"You made me look weak," Nick kept talking, and I assumed he's talking about that one time I beat him up when I first started to like Brooke.That was so long ago, if I really think about it. Way before I started to be haunted again. "But it wasn't me at all, was it?"
"Yes it w-was," I pleaded.
"Then how come you're like this?" Nick chuckled. I gulped again. He can't hurt me...we'll get caught. Right?
"Like what?"
"A fucking freak of nature!" someone shouted. Once again, all I heard was laughter. All I could really feel was that wave of pure embarrassment an defeat flood over me. I felt not only frail in my aching muscles, but inside of my brain as well.
"No I'm not!" I cried out. It took everything in my ever being to not shed a tear.
Why the fuck do you always cry, Ashton?
I don't know, Ashton.
"Look at yourself!" Nick sneered. "First you had this whole 'tough guy' act, but now..what kind of stupid act is this?"
"It's not an act, dude!" I shouted. I didn't care how pathetic I looked; I just wanted to leave.
"Really? So this is you?" Nick gestured to myself. He talked with such disgust, like I wasn't even human. They all looked and talked ot me that way, as I've noticed over these past days and weeks. To them I'm no longer someone to fear as I used to be. I don't know how to be tough and intimidating to get my way; I only know how to let others have theirs'. They enjoy this, and I still don't know how they seemed to know everything about me. Constantly, they look at me like they're waiting for the moment I finally break down in sobs infront of them all. And, unfortunately, I can tell that time is one day going to come.
"I don't know," I snapped. "I just don't know."
"You're very in denial, Ashton," Nick spoke and raised his eyebrows at me. "I don't really get it. How does Brooke put up with you?"
I didn't know what to say to that one. Honestly, what could I say? The more he's been talking (along with the encouragement of everyone he stood with), the more I've felt my little confidence deacrease until it was only nothing. And, mentioning Brooke, took the rest of it down to the ground. I didn't feel any confidence, especially not any to stand here and let them talk. What they mean may be true, but I didn't know how to react to this question.
Yeah. How does Brooke put up with your sad little games?
I didn't know they were games.
That's what she treats it like, isnt it?
I wanted to call him a jerk, and tell them all to just leave me alone, but I felt like that required a lot more self-respect than I currently have to just tell them off. I used to tell people off all the time, but I seemed to have forgotten how to. So, I just shrugged to answer his question. I didn't wait for anymore words from them, so I jsut turned and walked away. As I did so, the names were called out to me. The usual names of "freak" and "weirdo" and many more were shouted at me from behind, but I didn't have enough physicall strength to turn back around to let them hit me like I should. I just wanted to go to bed.
I quickly turned to walk to the bench on the other side of the courtyard, and to my dismay, Michael was sitting there alone. I stopped where I was for a few moments, asking myself whether I should even go over there. I could just go to my first period classroom and wait for the bell and I'd have no problem with that, considering it's art. But, in the back of my mind I know it's pretty obvious that someone's got to appologize. I sighed, and walked over as casually as I could.
"Michael," I called out as I got closer. He looked up from the ground that he was staring at, and I could instantly see the tired that he had in his eyes as well. He shot me a small and quite awkward smile, and scooted over to give me room to sit down. Half of me was reluctant to, but I pushed the urge to leave away.
"Hey." he said quietly as I slumped down next to him.
"Hi." I replied. I stared up at the sky, waiting for him to say something. I don't care what it would be, I just want the conversation to be more than awkward greetings.
"...Sorry," Michael sighed, looking over to me. I managed to meet his gaze. "For the other day."
"I'm sorry too," I agreed. "I didn't meant to yell."
"I didn't mean to..I don't know... pressure you, I guess." Michael added.
"You didn't pressure me," I said. "You just...confused me."
"Right.." Michael said quietly, no longer looking me in the eyes. "That's all."
"Yeah..." I nodded slowly. Michael seemed unsure of something, or that he was in a deep thought, but I obviously didn't know what he was thinking about.
"Everything good?" I asked him, trying to change the subject. Me and Michael usually don't take long to appologize and move on about things, fortunately.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Just...everything okay?" I continued, hinting to his own situations. "With everything?"
Michael drew in a deep breath, and sighed it out. "Not really," he said. "No one's getting anywhere. Like, my mother won't get up and actually look for a job. And I mean, I'm making minimum wage which can pay for like, two things...but that's about it."
"At least you're trying," I pointed out.
"Not really succeeding." He shrugged. I was about to keep talking and give hm some encouragement, but I stopped when I saw the look in Michael's eyes shift from sad to quite angry as he looked off. I glanced in the direction he was staring at, to see Brooke walking towards us. I could already predict the awkwardness that's going to soon occur.
"I'm gonna go." Michael spoke, standing up.
"No don't-" I tried to say.
"It's fine," Michael mumbled. "I'll see you later."
I sighed as I watched him quickly walk off, but I felt some relief in the presence of Brooke as she sat down next to me. "Hi," I said.
"Good morning," she looked over to me and smiled. "You look quite tired."
"U-um yeah," I tried to shrug off my uneasiness. I didn't expect another physcal observation so quickly. "I'm not that tired."
"Well that's good." she nodded, taking her phone out to reply to a text. I stared down at her, awkwardly curling my lips in and waiting for her to say something else, because I surely had no idea what else to say.
"Uh..how did you sleep?" I asked after a few silent moments.
"Good." she replied. I waited for some detail, but I got none. I also hoped for some eye contact, but this conversation lacked that as well. I figured that I should say something else, but I didn't know what to say again. As I was able to tell, the air was filled with a lot of awkwardness. Which confused me, considering I've always been able to hold a conversation with her. But right now I feel like we just met or something. I thought it was because of Michael, but he's not even here. What is it?
I really thought you were smarter than this, Ashton.
Huh?
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the bell ringing. I was actually pretty relieved at that, considering that I didn't have to be out here anymore. And, my first period is with Brooke and it's my favorite subject. Phew.
"Bye." Brooke said quickly, hopping up and starting to walk off with her eyes still glued to her phone.
"What?" I called after her. Where is she going? "First period is this way."
"I know," she spun around for a few seconds. "I have to talk to someone real quick. Just go on with out me."
I was about to object, saying that I would have no problem being a little late as long as I got to walk the dreaded walk with her, but before I could say anything she was already halfway across the courtyard. A little feeling of emptiness shoved its way into my heart, while I watched Brooke practically run over to her other friends. They all look joyful and excited to see her, and she looked at them the same way. I stared down at the ground for a few seconds, wondering what to do. I wish that Michael or Luke or Calum were here, but unfortunately I'm gonna have to walk to class on my own. It's not that far, but I'm scared to be alone and walking around everyone here. But, I sighed, and got up to start my day.
...
I would have liked for it to get better as the monring got older, but it really didn't. It didn't necessarily get worse, but I certainly didn't feel any sense of contentment all throughtout the day. I just felt the same things: like I was being watched and like I was alone. I felt as though I was a nobody, but a somebody at the same time. And when I say somebody, I don't mean someone who is praised. I'd like to think that every stare and every laugh is a type of judgement, and that's definitely what my brain has told me to think.
Now, it was 5th period, geometry. Even though my teacher had recently told me that my grade is really improving in this class, I can't help but feel anxious every time I step into the classroom. I just don't want to mess it up, you know? I worry that there will be a lesson that I won't understand or a test that will be hard..and I'll fail. I'll mess something up again. I hate that feeling, and I really don't want to feel it any more than I already do.
Damn, you really are the victim aren't you? I taunted to myself as I watched my math teacher erase everything she had written on the whiteboard. I didn't know what we were going to do next, but I hoped that it would be easy.
"Alright," she spoke to the class. "So there's only about twenty-five minutes or so of class, so let's just run through some practice problems, yeah? I'll just call some of you up to solve them."
The class groaned, and I glanced around. I recognize some people from this morning that were in this room, along with others that I have constantly seen making fun of me. As long as I'm not picked to go up there, then I'll be fine-
"Ashton." my teacher's voice rang in my ears. My heart stopped as I looked over to her from where I sat in the back of the room. She was looking at me with a friendly smile, along with everyone else staring back at me as well.
"M-me?" I stuttered. My teacher nodded, tossing me a dry-erase marker. I shakily caught the object and glanced from side to side. I could tell my motionless behavior wasn't helping the amount of awkwardness that already hung in the air, but for a few moments I seemed to have forgotten how to move my legs. The very last thing I wanted to do was go up there, especially when I can already feel the others' eyes filled with opportunity to judge me. But, my teacher looked at me with pleading eyes, and I obviously can't just say no to my teacher. So I got up, slowly, and made my way to the front of the class room. Even though for a few moments my back was to everyone, I could still feel the stares. And when I spun around with my back against the blank white board, I could finally see them. A few guys that I could tell were friends of Nick's and part of that whole "clique" were all in here as well smiling douchey grins at me while I tried not to make eye contact.
"Draw a right triangle," my teacher instructed from her desk. I nodded and turned to face the vast canvas of white, and it was almost calling out to me, demanding that I screw up. I did as she said, and slowly drew a decent-sized right triangle. Okay, triangles aren't that bed, right? I looked back at my teacher, and she nodded in approval. I could tell that both my hands were shaking, but I tried not to show it to everyone that was watching me.
"Okay," she said. "So the bottom leg is fourteen, and the side leg is 12."
I nodded again, writing that information in. I turned and looked at my teacher for more. I could feel the harsh and anticipating stares from my peers, and it only made my knees weaker.
Don't mess this up. This should be simple for you by now.
"And then the angle across from the bottom leg is x." my teacher finished.
"Okay," I said. "N-now what?"
"Find x." she shrugged. I looked at her funny, before spinning on my heels to look back at the probem I had written. What the hell?
"Um..." my voice trailed off while I nervously fidgetted with the whiteboard marker.
Don't fuck this up, Ash. Everyone's watching and waiting for failure.
"...How do I do that?" I asked shyly, turning back to my teacher.
"Seriously?" A laugh came from the guy that sits only 2 seats infront of me. He had laughed at me this morning, too. "We just learned this."
"We..we did?" I squeaked. I don't remember this at all, and that most definitely doesn't help my situation here.
"Yes," my teacher said slowly. "Just last week."
"Oh," I replied as casually as I could. "Right. I knew that."
No you didn't.
I know.
"Well then," another girl added. "Why don't you solve it?"
"Hey hush down." my teacher scolded them all. I shot her a glance of gratitude, and then turned back to face my enemy. I had absolutely no idea how to do this, and the more time I wasted, the more time I will stand here with all attention on myself. I stared at the jumble of numbers and lines, with no idea how to do it.
Seriously?
"...Tangent." my teacher said behind me.
"What?" I asked.
"You use tangent," she answered. "To solve for x."
"Yeah, dummy." Nick's friend spat. My teacher told him to shut his mouth, but that didn't stop the huge lump that formed in my throat. His word made my heart begin to pound and my hands sweat, and my feelings of defeat increase itself.
The more people chuckled to themselves, the more confused I became. How much can my faulty actions make someone laugh? How much does everyone hate me to find every possible way to laugh at me? Did I really piss everyone off this much? Are they finally giving me a taste of my own medicine?
You were a bully too, you know.
I didn't mean to be.
I stared at the math problem that I had to solve, but I just didn't know how on earth to solve it. I remember learning this, but for some unlucky reason, everything about it has just slipped my mind. I know my teacher had told me that I was getting better at this stuff, but right now is obviously the opposite of what she had made me feel somewhat confident about. It could be my nerves that are messing me up and making my mind absolutely blank, and that made perfect sense to me. I could feel the extreme burning sensation on my back as I felt every pair of eyes waiting and watching. They were waiting for a chance to make fun of me; a way in which I mess something up. Right?
Of course they are. What else would it be? Do you not remember how mean you probably were to all of them? Now, you get the slap to the face. It's reality, stupid.
Don't call me stupid, please.
Why? I'm just beating them all to it.
"Shut up," I spat out. I 100% didn't mean to say that, and as soon as the words were in the air and I had the realization that I didn't intend to say that outloud, I froze. I stared at that little x in panic, flinging debates throughout my mind. Do I turn around, or no?
"What?" My teacher asked. I only heard her voice, along with the mutters of hatred from a few students. The amount of pressure and fear only got bigger, and I wanted nothing more than to sit back down. Standing infront of everyone is probably the worst way to be talking to myself, especially when I can personally pick out the ones I've ever called names or beat up.
Hypocrite.
"...Sorry," I almost whimpered, placing the cap back on the marker and putting it down. I turned back to everyone, and shakily shook my head. "I don't know how to do it."
"It's not that hard," my teacher said.
"Yes it is," I said in defeat. "I'm sorry."
"I'll help you-"
"I don't need your help," I refused. "I'd just rather not do it."
"Are you kidding me?" the guy laughed again, along with the laughter of everyone else. "This is so easy!"
"Obviously it's n-not," I dared to reply.
Damn, they really want you to pay for being a dick just about a year ago, don't they?
Or maybe they're just speaking the truth.
Yeah. Maybe you're just stupid.
"I'm not stupid!" I lashed out, once again not meaning to say it outloud. I meant to say it to myself, in attempts to calm my emotions down. But, once again, I made it look as if I was talking to these people. But I wasn't; I wasn't at all. I don't know how, but I made my feet step forward, until I was staring that kid him with everyone else looking surprised at my random outburst.
"Huh?" he asked, before chuckling. "I haven't said that to you yet."
"Well don't say it!" I yelled.
"Ashton-" my teacher tried to say, but I was too caught up in my anger towards my own self to listen.
"I'm sorry, okay?" I cried out. "I can't do this!"
"That's okay..." she walked slowly over to me. I shook my head.
Look at you go! Screwing shit up again! How mature of you.
"Shut the hell up!" I yelled, scolding myself.
Stop talking to your self! And solve a damn math probem for crying out loud.
"Me?" the kid stood up. I don't even remember his name, to be honest.
"W-what?" I stammered. "No-"
"What do you mean no?" he snarled. "I'll fuck you up!"
"HEY!" my math teacher snapped, stepping up to the two of us. I was too weak to react, and before I could say anything he was towering over me, and my somewhat short stature was not a good match to him. I may not remember his name, but I do remember how he used to be my height not too long ago. Shit.
Way to go.
You're fucking up!
"No no no," I yelped. "I didn't mean that-"
"Then who are you talking to? Huh?" he laughed, obviously catching onto my fear.
"No one!" I shouted, cowarding back.
You look ridiculous! MAN! UP!
"You need to watch your back you freak," he muttered. "Because your little act was blown a long time ago."
"It wasn't an act!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, feeling desperate tears brim my eyes.
I swear to god if you cry-
"Then what was it!" he yelled back. I shook my head and backed away as much as I could, until my back hit the wall.
"Oh you're scared?" he taunted, getting up in my face. My heart began to sink. Further and further it traveled down with remorse and regret of every thing I've ever done that wasn't right. I couldn't even look at him, for I felt if I did then I would start balling. I shut my eyes and faced the floor in pure terror.
Wasn't worth it. You should really tell that to Brooke
Shut up!
"Hey that's enough-" my math teacher softly took him by the forearm in attempts to keep him back.
"You hear that?" he obnoxiously interrupted her, facing the class of chuckling students. "He scared! The great and powerful Ashton Irwin is scared!"
"S-stop!" I pleaded. My teacher sighed and started to usher him towards the door to leave. As unecessary as it probably was, they all laughed. Every person I've ever pushed, shoved, beat up, stole from, made fun of...laughed at me and my shame.
I'm sorry, I silently said to them. I'm so sorry about it all.
"Get to the office," my teacher opened the door for Nick's friend. "I'll be there in a moment."
"What did I do?" he asked
"Just go!"
My teacher's words made my eyes cautiously open back up I watched as he stood there for a few moments, glancing back and fourth between the teacher and me, before scoffing and walking out. She shut the door after him, and turned back to the class full of distraut students and me, still standing here by myself.
"What was that?" she asked loudly, glaring at me with both anger and a little bit of pity.
My mind told me to answer her question, my body told me to just get the hell out, and everything else told me to just stay still. So, that's what I did. I stood absolutely still, unable to move even if I wanted to. Out of the corner of my eyes I could see my teacher looking at me with concern, but everyone else looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe to them, I was. Maybe to every person in this entire world I was crazy. They seem to know everything about me: my weaknesses, my worries, my emotions, and every other aspect of myself that makes me different.
You're different in a very bad way, Ashton.
You fucked up again, Ashton.
I had battling thoughts in my mind. They screamed and yelled, telling me that I'm nothing to any of these people. I'm nothing but a speck of regret and wasted space. To them, everyone in this school, and to every person that I am associated with, I must be nothing more than a person to laugh at. They looked at me like I was the complete opposite of normal. They looked at me like I was finally about to crack, and everyone would be there to watch me fall. In this moment, I was pissed off at myself an all my stupidity. Who am I to think that I could do something as simple as a math problem? I should've known that I wouldn't been able to do it. I should have known that the pounds and pounds of fear of being infront of everyone and failing would've messed me up. And, it did. I've messed up a lot, you know? And it's the simple things like this that remind me everyday that...maybe I deserve the hate. I used to give out hate all the time, now all I do is recieve. Maybe that's been the plan all along; to recieve that burning feeling on my back everytime I walk the halls, those sleepless nights that I spend contiplating every decision I need to make, the guilt that I feel in the pit of my stomach everyday because of what I have done in the past. My mother thinks I'm perfect, and that I turned out to be a mature human being, but that's not it at all. Maybe she's completely wrong. Maybe I am nothing.
"I'l be right back. Stay here." my teacher groaned, and left the room to deal with the other kid (who I still don't remember his name). I was about to call out to her, and beg that she doesn't leave, but I was too late. The door shut behind her, and I was once again face to face with the enemy. The enemy to me was everyone who was staring at me, but in reality the enemy was only myself.
Run now, you freak.
I didn't want to be here any longer to give them all what they wanted. I was on the edge of tears, and I forced myself to finally move. I didn't want them to see me cry, because I aleady hate the fact that I do all the time. I wasted no time to run back to my desk, grab my back pack, and dash to the door. I heard the whispers and faint laughs as I shoved the door open. I stumbled out into the empty hallway, and as the door slammed shut I fell the ground. I shook my head and wheezed as I sprung back up, and I looked in every direction to make sure it was clear. I didn't really care that I was leaving class because I couldn't take that anymore. I practically sprinted down the hallway towards the exit, trying not to start shedding those tears just yet. I felt like I was about to pass out, I was breathing and running so fast. My lungs didn't know how to control themselves at this moment, because all my focus was on getting out of here.
I bursted through the double doors that led to the courtyard, and I once again stumbled out into the open area. The hot desert air hit me like a truck, making my amount of sweat only increase. I quickly scanned the area, and to my only luck there wasn't anyone out here. I didn't know where to go, since there was still about an hour left of the school day, but that didn't stop me.
"I'm g-going h-ome," I stuttered aloud, sniffling back tears and turning towards the main exit. I broke into a fast walk, fighting the demons that tried to tell me to man up and go back in there. Call me a pussy; I'm going home.
Ditching Brooke?
"Fuck!" I spat out, stopping in my tracks in frustration. That's right, I can't just leave her there alone, Can I? I really shouldn't, but I can't stay here. I've grown to hate this school more than I thought I ever would. I was tired, upset, and I just wanted someone to make me feel better. In the end I didn't want to be alone...I wanted-
"Ashton?" I heard a familiar voice behind me. I froze where I was, letting the sound of that voice echo in my ears.
Run, right now.
"Ashton." Jessie said again. I heard her step closer, and that made my heart sink.
"No," I whimpered, shaking my head and starting off again without looking back. I knew it was her, I can recognize that voice from anywhere. I kept my wide eyes looking out in front of me, directly at the stairs that led down to the student parking lot.
"Hey!" she called, following me.
"Leave me alone." I said loudly.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Leave me alone, Jessie." I tried my very hardest to not start balling.
"Are you leaving?"
"Please ...leave me alone."
"Just wait up!" she yelled from behind. The next thing I knew, she grabbed my hand, causing me to spin around to face her. I was taken over by my defeat at this point, and i had no control over my lashing out.
"What, Jessie?" I spat. The last thing I could ever want is to talk to her. "What could you possibly want from me?"
We made eye contact for the first time in weeks, and I was astonished at how surprised she looked. Her blue eyes were as wide as the moon, first staring at my glossy eyes, and then up and down the rest of me. It looked as if she was expecting me to look angry, rather than saddened and discouraged. Her mouth was slightly agape, and she looked genuinely concerned. That's bullshit.
"What the hell happened?" she breathed.
"Why the fuck would you care!" I cried. Yeah, that's it; I cried.
"Ashton-"
"Are you just...just wanting to insult me?" I panted; trying to speak and fill my lungs with oxygen at the same time. I sounded like a maniac.
"What?" Jessie asked. "No not at all-"
"Yes you are!" I interrupted, trying to wriggle my hand out of her grasp. "That's all you people ever do! I fucking get it now, alright?"
"Ashton-"
"Let go of me!"
"What the hell happened?" she asked harshly, stepping closer to me. I shook my head again and sniffled, almost wanting to push her away.
"Why do you even care to ask!" I weeped. I need to stop crying, this is ridiculous. "Why don't you just get on with it?"
"Get on with what?" Jessie persisted. She sounded so confused, and I wasn't sure why. How could she actually care?
"Just insult me already!" I replied. "Just do it already so I can leave!"
"Ashton I'm not-"
"I'm sorry I ruined your life, okay?" I cried. I didn't even mean to say it, it just slipped out. Of course I didn't mean to say it, because all it created was one of the most awkwardest silences I've had all week. Jessie's eyes widened even more, and she stepped back. She had a little look of both fear and what looked like regret in her eyes, and she slowly let go of my hand. I stood there, staring back with my chest heaving up and down. I tried to regain my strength to fully breathe, but it sure was hard to.
"I'm sorry...that i f-fucked you up, alright?" I kept going, while Jessie looked at me like she's seen a ghost. "I'm sorry for everything that I ever did to you! Okay? Is that good enough for you? I'm sorry! I am truly, utterly, most definitely sorry for being this!"
I finished my small speech with a heavy sigh, surprised that it came out of my mouth. I always told myself to not listen to Jessie's blames, but now I found myself agreeing with everything she used to say. She always said it was all my fault. I guess she's right.
"...Ashton," Jessie finally spoke up. She looked more than concerned at this point, she almost looked devastated. "You...I..."
"I what?" I asked, looking down the ground. I didn't want her to see me cry either.
"I...I don't know," she shook her head to.
"Tell Brooke I say I'm sorry next period," I said quietly. I didn't care that I was skipping class. "I just want to go home."
I didn't wait for an answer. I turned back around, and slowly started to walking towards my car with my head hung in shame.
"Ashton wait-" Jessie said again.
"No," I sniffled, not daring to look back at her. "I'm leaving."
"Can I please say something?"
"No!" I yelled, reluctantly spinning back around to face her. "I'm so sick of this! I don't care what you think of me! Just make fun of me when I'm not around!"
"I'm not making fun of you!" she protested.
"That's all you ever do!" I answered. "That's all you've ever done!"
One more time, I turned back to where I needed to go, and this time I took off in full speed, not caring about the things that she was calling out after me. I sprinted as fast as I could, flying down the stairs and out to the parking lot just as the bell rang. People would be filling the courtyard, but fortunately I wouldn't be there to be around it all.
With one pull I opened my car door and climbed into the drivers' seat. I folded my arms ontop of the steering wheel, burried my face into them, and sat there sobbing for a full half hour.
...
I had spent that afternoon by myself. After leaving campus with a about 30 minutes left of the school day, I went straight home. At that point, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't even want to talk to Brooke, as shallow at that sounds. I got home, locked all the doors in the apartment, and I read books. Book upon book I read and skimmed through, trying to get that feeling that reading always gave me. Reading books gave me the power to alter the course of reality. It made it so I could choose the world I wanted to live in, even if it was for a short time. For 100-400 pages (depending on the book) I'm able to completely escape from the real world and soar through my own imagination.I as able to forget about my life for a little bit. I even felt a little better about everything after going through my library that I stocked under my bed. Whoever invented reading is fucking brilliant.
But now, it was about 9:00 pm, and I was walking up the steps of Michael's front porch. I wasn't really invited over, but I was done with being by myself. I needed a friend.
I didn't bother knocking, though I was still shy to step inside. After we had fought just a couple days ago, I wasn't sure if it was too soon to just go to his house without asking. I opened the unlocked front door, and I was surprised at how freaking hot it was in here. It was hotter than outside, to be completely honest. I sighed a tired sigh as I shut the door behind me, and made my way to Michael's bedroom on the left side of the small house. As I did so, I stopped by the kitchen real quick.
"Mrs. Clifford?" I spoke, peaking my head around the corner. Michael's mum was at the sink cleanig up dishes, and I guess my enterance surprised her because she jumped and whipped around to look at me with a startled look in her eyes.
"Oh!" she laughed, recognizing who I was. "Hey, Ashton."
"Hi," I smiled. "How are you?"
"I'm...I'm good," she said quietly, quickly glancing to the floor. "How are you?"
"I'm alright," I lied along with her. "Is Michael here?"
"Yes he should be in his room," she nodded. "Are you hungry at all?"
"Me? No no I'm good," I assured. I was amazed at her hospitality to offer me the food that her and her son both desperately needed. "But thank you."
She smiled and I smiled back, before turning to the small hallway that led to Michael's room. I stopped at the door for a few moments, looking down at the light that shined through the crack at the bottom and listening to faint sounds of fingers tapping against a keyboard. I sighed out my nervousness, and opened the door.
Michael was sitting at his desk on the left side of of the room with his desktop computer (the one expesive thing he seems to have left) sitting infront of him. He looked at the screen with narrowed and focused eyes, typing away at what looked like a school essay or something. He seemed pretty into it, and I don't think that he noticed me awkwardly standing at the door.
"How long have you had that shirt of mine?" I asked to break the silence. Michael's eyes shot over to me, and he didn't look surprised at all at the fact that I just came over out of nowhere.
"This is yours?" he chuckled, turning in his chair to face me.
"Yeah," I laughed, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind me. "But you can keep it."
"I was going to keep it anyways."
"I know," I sat down on his bed in relief to rest, and Michael spun a little bit more to look at me.
"Whats up?" he asked, tilting his head to the side.
"I dunno..." I shrugged. "I just wanted to come over. Do you need silence to work?" I asked, pointing to his page-long document that was displayed on his computer screen. I was also hinting to the fact that I wasn't sure if he even wanted to be around me right now.
"Nah," Michael shook his head. "I'm almost done."
"Okey doke." I nodded, scooting backwards to rest my back against the headboard. Michael turned back to his homework, but luckily kept talking to me.
"Where were you after school?" he asked. "I didn't see you."
I gulped, hugging my knees to my chest. I knew I was going to tell him about the events that occured today, but I was definitely dreading it. I didn't know how he would react, to be honest. Would he think I'm weak? Cowardly?
"I..." my voice trailed of in nervousness as Michael spun back around to face me. I could instantly see the sincereness and concern in his eyes. I sighed again.
"I just left." I finished. Michael furrowed his eyebrows at me, looking obviously confused.
"You skipped a class?" he asked. "You haven't done that in a while."
"And I'm doing it again tomorrow," I said rather quickly. The words slipped out, and I guess that's what I'm gonna have to do. "I'm skipping the whole day tomorrow."
"Really?" Michael looked surprised.
"Mhm." I shrugged, acting like it was no big deal. I didn't want to skip, but I also didn't want to go there. At all.
Michael was quiet for a few moments, obviously thinking some things over. I didn't know what those things could be, considering we used to skip school all the time. I know I haven't done it in a while, but was that really enough to make this worried expression plaster itself on Michael's face?
"What happened today?" he asked slowly, breaking the uneasy silence. Unfortunately, his question made me feel even more uncomfortable.
"It wasn't that bad," I lied.
"Ashton."
"What?"
"Tell." he said, eyeing me and egging me to speak up. I knew I should because that's the main reason why I even came here, so after a few moments I sighed and started to talk. I told him the whole story, starting with when I got to school and ending when I left. I included most details, just everything that I could remember. I found myself having no shame in explaining my feelings that I had the whole time, because in the end I just forgot about my fear of judgement from him. I knew deep down none of my best friends like Michael and Luke and Calum could ever judge me like everyone else. And Brooke; I don't think she could either.
"...and then I just drove home and read for like, 6 hours." I finished, happy to actually get it all off my chest. I was eager for Michael's reasponse, but it was just a grim look on his face as he stared down at the floor. He looked pretty ticked off, with his furrowed eyebrows and somewhat pouted lips. I watched and waited for him to say something, and for a decent amount of time niether of us said a word.
"Just igore it, Ashton," Michael finally sighed. "It's not worth it."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"It's not worth letting them get to you," he explained. "You shouldn't care what others say, you know?"
"I know," I said shakily. "But they all hate me. I used to bully them too."
"You didnt bully them like this.."
"No Michael, I did," I said. "I realize that I did. You don't have to sugar coat it."
"It's not your fault," he shook his head. "They're just trying to get back at you. They shouldn't do that."
"I don't even know how they know all this about me," I said sadly. How do they? How do they know of my incapability to handle my own emotions?
"I don't either," Michael sighed. "I'll try and figure it out for you, okay?"
"Alright," I answered in relief. "Thank you."
"And anyways... fuck them," Michael said. "Who cares about them all when they don't even know you that well? You've got us, right? We'd never judge you."
"I know," I shot him a small smile. "And I wouldn't ever judge you guys either."
"You've got me, and Luke, and Calum, and Sydney, and Natalie..." his voice trailed off for a few moments. "...and Brooke."
"Yeah," I nodded, trying not to think about the fact that I could see Michael cringing when he said Brooke's name. I didn't want to argue about that right now. "I do."
"And I'll skip tomorrow with you," Michael said in a little but more cheery tone.
"Really?" I asked.
"Sure! Why not? I do it all the time," he laughed. "It'll be fun."
"Okay," I nodded happily. "Thanks."
"No problem," Michael smiled. "You can spend the night, if you want."
"Really?" I asked. He nodded, and I felt even more relief wash over me. I was not in the mood to be by myself, and as much as I texted Brooke asking if she wanted to sleep with me tonight, she never replied. Oh well, I guess she was busy or something.
"Thank you," I said, walking over to his closet. I silently thanked myself for changing into sweat pants when I had gotten home from school, because sleeping in skinny jeans is not fun at all. I rumaged through the closet and dragged out some extra blankets and threw them on to the floor. I took a pillow off of Michael's bed and tossed it down too, and grabbed my phone off the matress. I was hoping for a text from Brooke, but I didn't have any. I quickly made myself a bed and settled down into it.
I texted my grandmother, letting her know I'm going to be at Michael's. I don't think she minds that it's a school night, because she likes Michael and always did like him as a best friend of mine. I'm not sure how I'm going to tell her I skipped my classes tomorrow, but I'm just going to have to suck it up and tell her. I know I'm gonna get in trouble, but I just don't want to go tomorrow. I would rather sleep in; maybe I finally will, because I won't necessarily be alone. As much as I longed for Brooke next to me, I really appreciated Michael's comfort.
I decided to send Brooke a text as well, even though she hasn't replied to a single one today.
"hello lovey i just wanted to say that i'm not going to school tomorrow, but I'll make sure to see you afterwards!! I could really use some tutoring tomorrow afternoon when youre free, that would be very helpful lol. Just wanted to let you know, good night :-) x"
I shut my phone off and settled down for good. I felt pretty comfortable, for being on a floor.
"You look pretty tired," Michael said to me. "You can go to sleep if you'd like. I'm just gonna try and finish this up."
"Okay," I agreed. He's right; I am extremely tired, and I was about to fall asleep right then and there. I didn't care if the lights were on, I shut my eyes and tried to relax. A few long moments of silence (apart from the sound of Michael typing) passed before he spoke up.
"And well..." he said. "...Like you told me that one time. It'll get better."
I opened my eyes to that one, and propped myself up on my forearms to look at him. Sure enough, he was looking back at me. "I'm serious." he said.
I remember when Michael told me about his mum and his money drought. I haven't seen him cry in so long until that day came along. It wasn't that long ago, but it sure felt like it. I told him it'll all work out in the end, and I recognized my words as he now said them back to me.
"You think?" I asked.
"Yeah," Michael nodded. "Like I said. You have us."
"You're right." I agreed.
With that we exchanged smiles, before I rested my head back down. As Michael finished up his work and I layed there, we were both silent. I took the time I had before I fall asleep to really think things through. Today was shit. Yes, i realize that. This weekend was shit, last week was shit, and all the weeks prior to this have been shit as well.
Lately... I just don't know, really. Why has everything seemed so...different? Why was everything going great, and then it suddenly took a dramatic turn? I feel the complete opposite as I should be, and as I've wanted to be since me and Brooke got home from California. Man, I would do anything to go back to that 4-day weekend, because that was the most fun I've ever had with someone before. I wished that things were like that weekend... when me and Brooke would do everything together and not give a damn about what others thought. What happened? Did something happen? I know Brooke is fine...so is it me? Am I changing everything? Am I the book, changing the course of reality? Was this all my fault? There has got to be an answer to these questions, and I ask these questions and point them towards everyone that I've grown to really care about. I want everything to be happy for my friends, my grandmother, my mother, my girlfried, and maybe even myself. I'm willing to put my own feelings aside, because I just want them to be happy. I don't want them to be made fun of, or not get any sleep each night. I want them to be okay, because thats what friends, family, and boyfriends are supposed to want. Right?
So then why do I feel like everything is messed up? Why do I have this pit in my stomach, filled with the constant worries that something really bad is going to happen? What could possibly happen that's worse than these feelings or regret and stupidity?
Why don't you ask her.
Brooke.
Your Brooke, Ashton.
Why don't you ask your Brooke? Your lovey? Your princess? Your everything? Why don't you ask her?
How could she have the answers? How could anyone have the answers? Brooke is fine. And, I will continue to refuse to listen to any person that every tries to tell me otherwise.
"...I really hope you're right, Michael." I sighed one more time, before drifting off into sleep.