When I check my phone, I realise I have missed calls from Kitty. My stomach lurches as I remember the women's march that I was supposed to go to today. And I bailed on it to see my ex-boyfriend? Am I the worst feminist in the world?
But I'm spurred on by both sad and angry energy, and my feet take me to Oxford Street. Before I know it I'm in Zara. I haven't been clothes shopping in a long time, and I realise what I need today is retail therapy. The bookstore and café barely pays me enough money to survive in London, but my credit card is connected to my dad's account. And today, I'll need it.
I buy two dresses, a new jacket, a pair of shoes, and three tops, and after that I am wracked with exhaustion. The two beers, the shopping and the bustle of Oxford Street has made me tired, and I'm in a completely foul mood.
Horrible thoughts are racing through my head. About Drew. About Rachel. And Nadia, and Abby. And my mum, and my dad. And Kitty's mum.
I realise I can't face the tube journey home - the Central line on a Saturday is full of tourists, and it's hot, and smelly, and crowded, and I feel my throat constricting and tears welling in my eyes just at the thought of descending the escalator into the pits of the underground. Instead I pull up the Uber app on my phone, and a car arrives within minutes. The smile on my face when I greet the driver feels plastic.
Sitting in the backseat of the car, I watch Oxford Street disappear. It takes over half an hour to get home through the London traffic. I ask the driver to drop me at the tube station, because my worst fear would be for someone from the flat to see me getting out of an Uber. I don't think they'd understand. I know they would judge me.
Ed is working, and the girls and Will are still out, so no one is home to see me do my walk of shame into the flat. I breathe a sigh of relief as I finally reach my bedroom and slam the door shut behind me. I dump my shopping bags, strip off my clothes, and climb into bed. I still have makeup on but right now I can't face the ordeal of going to the bathroom to wash it off.
But I realise I need to text Kitty.
"I'm so sorry. I went out to meet a friend for coffee and then suddenly I got really sick. I'm in bed. So sad to miss today."
Then I switch off my phone, pull the covers over my head, and allow myself to cry.
I wake up to a knock on my door. Before I can answer, Kitty has let herself into my room.
'Jane? Are you feeling okay?' Kitty whispers. She almost trips over my shopping bags as she walks into my bedroom, then sits down on the edge of my bed. Her hair is in an angel braid around her head, and I notice she's pinned a pink pin to her t-shirt - the female symbol with a closed fist printed inside.
I sit up and rub my face, embarrassed to have Kitty find me asleep. 'Hi,' I say. 'I was just sleeping.'
'I know. Are you sick?' Kitty asks.
I nod. 'Yeah, I feel horrible. But I feel so bad that I missed the march.'
'Oh, don't worry,' Kitty says. 'If you're sick it would have been way too much for you. The crowds were pretty intense.'
'Was it fun?' I ask.
'Yeah,' Kitty says, with a smile. 'I'm sorry you weren't feeling up to it. Do you want me to get you anything? A cup of tea?'
I feel guilty for asking Kitty to get me something when I'm not really sick, but I do want a tea, so I nod.
She comes back with two cups of tea and a packet of cold and flu medication. Then she crawls into bed beside me and hands me my tea.
'Here, take these,' she says, putting two pills into my hand. 'You'll feel better.'
'Thanks, Kitty,' I say. I take the pills, and then take a big sip of the green tea that Kitty has made me. I can taste honey in there too. Suddenly tears spring into my eyes as I realise how much I never appreciate Kitty, and everything she's done for me.
'Oh, doll, are you okay?' Kitty asks. She puts her tea on the bedside table, and then grabs mine off me and puts it down too. Then she pulls the covers over both of us, and wriggles her legs.
'I am such an idiot, Kitty,' I tell her. 'I've done everything wrong. I finally got a chance with Harper, and everything was perfect, and then today I went and saw Drew.'
'Drew?' Kitty says with surprise. 'Wait, what happened?'
'He wanted to meet me for coffee and talk,' I say. 'And he told me he forgave me, and I guess I thought... well, I didn't even admit it to myself. But I think I thought he'd want to talk to me about trying to make things work with us.'
'Oh, Jane,' Kitty murmurs. 'What did he say?'
'He's sleeping with Rachel now,' I say, and Kitty inhales.
'That dick,' she says.
'I know, but I can't be mad, because I cheated on him, so who am I to be angry at him for getting with my best friend?' I say.
'Rachel isn't your best friend,' Kitty says. 'No best friend would ever get with their friend's ex. Especially an ex as serious as you were with Drew. You were with him for like four years!'
'I don't even talk to her anymore,' I say. 'Or any of the girls. They don't care about me anymore.'
'They're idiots, Jane. They always were,' Kitty says. 'I know you think I just say that because they were, like, the cool girls at school and you never included me, but it's not true. I think they're brainless barbie dolls and they have nothing going for them except their Instagram. They're fake. They're not friends, they're followers.'
'She always told me Drew was a weird nerd, and she didn't get why I was with him. And now she's sleeping with him.'
'Hypocritical bitch,' Kitty says, and I laugh.
'Since when are you like this?' I ask.
Kitty gives me a look. 'I went to school with these girls too, remember? I have always harboured these thoughts.'
'I'm such an idiot,' I say. 'I can't believe I thought anything good could come out of meeting Drew.'
'Do you feel any more closure than you did before?'
'No,' I admit. 'If anything it's just reopened everything. Everything was good, here, in London, and then he came along and messed with my head.'
'So wait, what happened with Harper?' Kitty asks.
I swallow, because I remember Harper and I decided we want to keep what happened to ourselves. But Kitty is the closest thing I have to a sister, and I need to tell her.
'We kissed,' I murmur.
'You kissed Harper? Last night?' Kitty sets her tea down on my bedside table and rearranges her body so she's facing me. 'Jane, is this a good idea?'
'I've liked him ever since I got here,' I say. 'We kissed, and then I went to his bedroom, but nothing happened,' I say hastily, noting Kitty's surprised expression.
'Doll,' Kitty says. 'Why did you go to see Drew if you'd just kissed Harper?'
I pull my knees up towards my chin, frustrated with myself. 'I know,' I say weakly.
'And you thought you wanted to get back together with Drew?' Kitty asks.
'No! Well, I didn't consciously think I wanted that,' I say.
'Jane, how could you kiss Harper and then go to see your ex-boyfriend? You live in the same house as Harper, so if shit hits the fan, you have to see him every day, remember?'
'I know! But shit's not going to hit the fan.'
'You kissed him and then went and saw your ex-boyfriend,' Kitty says, as she stands up. 'Listen. I don't want you to get hurt, okay? But I also don't want Harper to get hurt.'
'I would never hurt Harper,' I insist.
'I don't know that,' Kitty says quietly. She narrows her eyes at me. 'I didn't think you'd ever hurt Drew.'
'I didn't think I would either,' I say, tears springing to my eyes. 'I didn't ever want to.'
'I'm going to tell everyone you're sick today,' Kitty says, as she walks towards my bedroom door. 'I think you should seriously consider what it is you want. And then tomorrow I'll see you bright and early for the morning shift.'
• Author's Note •
Thanks so much for reading! Don't forget to vote before you go on!
Now tell me...
What's your favourite fruit?
I'm just kinda realising so many of my questions are about food and drink so maybe I'm just constantly hungry and thinking about food, idk.
Anyway, see you next chapter!
elle xx