"So that's my story" I said to the cold eyed man that was standing right in front of me while I stroked the hem of my skirt nervously, keeping my gaze trained on the floor of the room 308. My words still echoed in the deathly silence on the other end that followed my confession. My heart had picked up its pace with each word I spoke
"Long story short, you were a bully in your old school. That's something I never saw coming of you" he said and I felt my heart flinching to his words.
It's not like I was proud of my past, but this was one of my darkest secrets. Not even my girls knew about this classmate I'd constantly torture out of the blue. Even now these days I try to find the reason why I did those terrible things, yet I can find no justification for my actions. It has pained me since the moment Abby told me what those girls had done to her. It was like I had seen myself reflected in the mirror, and it was disgusting.
"It's not something I'm proud of. When Abby told me what those girls had done to her I felt like all the memories of her coming back into my head. I... I-I did so many terrible things to that girl in school that it makes my stomach ache" I admitted in shame as a few tears grew in my eyes and I looked down.
"Well I'm glad that you know now that you made a mistake back then Jess. You don't have to be miserable for it. Maybe you can even find a way to make some sort of amends. But like I've told you before, sometimes there are mistakes we cannot fix. We have to live with them" Paul lectured me with a sad voice and I lowered my head in shame, knowing he was right. I knew then he was disappointed of me to no end.
"I just feel so bad right now. I've felt like this since yesterday and I don't know what to do to make it go away" I said while quickly wiping off a tear of my cheek.
"Would you like me to help you feel better Jess?" he asked out of the blue, causing me to raise my look to meet his.
When looked up my stomach dropped when I found a thoughtful expression on Paul's face, not knowing what his words really meant. It's weird, because after sharing a whole year together you could say there was nothing of him that could surprise me. Oh but it did.
"How?" I asked before dismissing the idea.
"I think that what's bothering you is that you bullied that poor girl and had no consequence whatsoever over you for it. I know you realize your mistake, but you had no punishment for it. Am I right? Is that how you feel?" Paul dropped like a bomb on me and I took a minute to assimilate what he was telling me.
"I..." I gaped a bit in thought and realized he was right. It was like something was missing for me to fix that mistake. Closure.
"Jess I'm not gonna force you into anything. It was a long time ago, you're a complete different person now yet I think it'd be helpful for you to receive some sort of punishment for your offenses so you can forgive yourself before she can forgive you" Paul proceeded to explain himself, letting cristal clear it'd be my choice in this matter in particular. Once again, I sunk in silence to consider my options.
Paul's words rounded in my head for a few minutes while he waited patiently. I was nibbling on my lip as my foot was tapping on the floor. Since when I started feeling so guilty for these things that I actually felt like asking for a spanking? I guess he was right after all. It was easier to forgive myself when I knew I had gone through some form of punishment. I knew he hadn't said anything about a spanking, but I could bet it was in his plans if I decided to go through this. The question was, would I?
"Alright" I mumbled quietly as my look dropped to the floor, finally having made up my mind.
"Alright what Jess? I need to make sure you really wanna go through this" Paul's voice rang loud yet calm.
"I want you to spank me for bullying that girl Paul. I... I need it" I said with a trembling voice yet not doubting of my decision.
I knew better than anyone that I wouldn't die after a spanking, and though during it you feel like crap, after it you feel better with yourself and you're able to start making amends. That is what I desperately needed.
"A spanking, really? Is that the form of punishment you choose?" he said quite surprised of my choice. Ughh did I really need to explain?
"It's umm... fast and effective. I think I deserve it for putting that girl through hell for so long" I said feeling that pinch of guilt in my chest again. I hope it goes away soon.
"If that's your choice then we'll go for it. Come here Jessie" he said while offering his hand to guide me over his lap.
It was... weird. In other spankings all I could think of is how I really didn't want to be in this position, but right now I had mixed emotions. I knew I had to be here and that I had chosen it, therefore I couldn't deny it. The thing is: who really wants a spanking anyways?
"Alright Jess. I'm going to start, ok?,"Paul said with a soft tone of voice he usually doesn't use with me during my punishments. I guess this would be different from any other spanking I got before.
"Yes sir. I'm ready" I said while wrapping my arms on his leg to spare me the trapped hands on my back. Something inside told me that despite his tender attitude, he was not going soft on me at all. Damn I was right.
The first smack made me squirm a bit but I did my best to remain quiet the rest of the punishment. Somehow it was easier when you truly ask for it. There was some sense of relief to my soul I usually don't pay attention during normal punishments because, well... all I can really think about is how much my butt hurts and how unfair life is. That's what I was thinking until I felt him lifting my school skirt.
"Ok, moving on now. Now I want you to think about what brought you to this position Jess. What do you think that is?" Paul made small conversation with me and even when I really didn't want to answer, it'd be a bad idea to push it being in this position.
"I umm... me being mean to that girl in the past" I said as words seemed to choke down my throat, but after some effort I got them out.
"You're not a bad person Jessie, I've known you long enough to see the bright side of you. Everyone makes mistakes, but that's not a mistake you'll repeat ever in your life. Am I right?" my teacher said raising his tone a little bit to emphasize that last frase, letting it clear there would be zero tolerance to this behavior in the future.
"Yes sir, I swear. Never again" I said never more convinced of my words, because I truly meant them.
"I believe you Jess, yet you deserve every single smack you get. You have to face the consequences of your actions. Then what does that mean?" he continued to ask and I tried to be patient and not to snap at him. He was trying to help me after all.
"That I need punishment sir" I mumbled knowing he'd hear me anyways. I just wished I could be deaf to my own words for the moment. It'd spare me the humiliation.
"Right you are" he said and went back to spanking me, this time focusing on my sensitive sit spots and thighs.
I started grumbling and slightly moving my hips from side to side, somehow hoping the hits would focus on a different part of my butt but with no luck. The heavy smacks kept falling down over and over, sometimes two or three times on the exact same spot. That would make me squirm in Paul's lap, begging in my head for it to be over already. Oh but I knew this was far from being over.
"How are you holding up?" Paul said once he halted the spanking to give my bum a little rest.
"I'm... ok I guess" I said sniffling slightly as I cleaned up my nose with the back of my hand. Gross.
"How are you feeling now, hm?" he asked me as he rubbed my quite sore butt with his right hand.
"I feel... really bad. I've been thinking about all those terrible things I did" I said as a few tears escaped my eyes and fell to the floor that was close to my face.
"We're gonna deal with that now, don't worry. Stand up please" he commanded as he took my hand to help me up.
He stood up as well and went straight to the implements closet. That's the moment where usually my hands fly to my sore butt and try to soothe the pain a bit, but this time I couldn't stop wrapping my arms around myself. Somehow I felt really needy and I couldn't wait for Paul to come back, even if it was with a... a ruler? Ugh shit!
"Alright, here's what we're gonna do now. You're going to list all the things you remember doing to that girl. Every single one of them, and for each one you'll get a hit with the ruler. Clear?" he asked as he took his seat back and looked at me expectantly.
"Yes sir" I said and he nodded his head for me to go back over his lap.
I did so and as always tried to find a more or less comfortable position. I really couldn't stay still as my mind was not oblivious that the powerful sting of the ruler was upon me. The anticipation was really killing me, making me feel butterflies in my stomach.
"Whenever you feel ready Jess" Paul said as he patiently waited for me to start spilling.
"Right. I ummm... well, I'd push her around the hallways whenever I saw her and knock off her books... and sometimes make her trip" I admitted as shame consumed me. I knew Paul couldn't be more disappointed to learn all this, but today we were gonna leave it behind. I was holding on to the fact that he'd forgive me after all.
"Alright. That's three hits" he said lining up the ruler with my upturned butt.
SMACK SMACK SMACK. GOD those huuuurt. And it was just the beginning. I knew I could have stopped everything, I could have lied saying there was nothing else but I didn't want to. I needed to take this off my chest, even when it meant I'd have to sleep on my stomach tonight.
"What else Jess? Come on" Paul prompted softly as he rubbed some of the sting of my butt.
"I... I used to throw paper balls to her head in class a-and call her awful names in front of everybody" I cried a bit as I felt the ruler lift off my butt only to be brought back down hard twice.
SMACK SMACK
"I once threw my lunch over her head and she reeked of eggs all morning long SMACK OWWww and I stuck gum on her hair because it was prettier than mine SMACK OWW I'm sorry, I swear that I am Paul! I wish I could take it all back but I can't" I sobbed my heart out as my body shook strongly with my crying. I really couldn't take it anymore, I was a horrible person.
Paul put the ruler away and dedicated himself to comfort me for a while until I was calmed enough. He was being extremely patient and I was surprised he wasn't horrified by my actions to this point. But I had left the worst for the end.
"It's ok Jess, you're doing so great. We have to keep going and it'll be over sooner than you think, alright?" he whispered comforting words that ached my heart because I knew I didn't deserve them.
"I once trapped her in the girls bathroom with me and... and..." I said not being able to say it. It was just too much.
"You can do this Jess. Tell me now, what did you do to that girl?" he asked not without a certain amount of fear of what I was going to say.
"I yelled that she was a good for nothing slut, that she should die. I pushed her head under the sink and let the water running. I left her there that day and later she didn't show up to class. A friend of mine told me that she had tried to kill herself in her house after I shouted that. God, I didn't mean it! I-I don't know what the hell I was thinking, I was just so angry at her because everyone liked her and not me. I'm so horrible Paul, I'm so horrible!" I said having lost all control of my words and actions, never ending tears flooding across my cheeks, making my eyes red and sore.
I felt Paul's arms around my waist and my body was lifted up in an embrace I very much needed. I felt like the worst person in the world, yet he made me feel like not everything was lost.
"Calm down Jess, it's ok. She's alright now, ok? I know you didn't mean to" he said while wiping off a few tears off my cheeks.
"Yet I still did it, didn't I?" I mumbled as I had almost ran out of voice with all that crying.
"I'm aware of it. That's why you're getting punished in the first place, are you not?" he said while running his fingers through my hair.
"Yes sir" I nodded sadly but having pulled myself together.
"Ok. Now I think for that you deserve at least 5 hits with the ruler. Is there anything you want to add to that Jess?" he asked me as his cold eyes made contact with mine.
"No sir. I think that's it" I struggled trying to gain back control of my breathing.
"Good. Then let's get this over with, yeah?" he said and turned me around so I was facing the floor again, my butt upturned in the perfect angle for the ruler to strike again.
"Yes... I'm ready Paul" I said embracing myself for the worst. I had the very strong feeling these last five would be the hardest I ever got, and I discovered I was not mistaken at all.
SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK. After the five hits fell down at light speed my heart broke in cries again, but this time much calmer than before. I felt relieved it was over, I felt lighter because I had told Paul about everything I had done and he still loved me. He forgave me, so I had to forgive myself too. Barely he finished he let the wooden ruler fall to the floor and lifted me up to hug me against his chest, softly rocking me while being careful with my fresh spanked bum.
"I hope this has helped you now Jess. Tell me how do you feel" he spoke in a sweet tone as he wouldn't let go of me.
"I feel... lighter. I feel that whatever was wrong with me before it's fixed. I know I cannot change what I did to that girl but I promise you you'll never see me do those things again. I... I don't think I could ever repeat them, not now" I said knowing I'd never in my life would repeat such horrible actions, nor I'd let anyone do.
"I'm so happy to hear that Jess. You have no idea how much you've changed. You might be the troublemaker of this school but you're not a mean girl. You're the opposite of that. You're a good person, alright?" he said as he met my eyes with serious as death look. I was quick to nod my head.
"I know. Thank you so much for doing this for me Paul" I smiled and hugged him tightly, hug that he of course returned.
"Anytime Jessie. I'll always be here for you" he rubbed circles on my back as I smiled with tears still rolling down my cheeks. I immediately soothed to his touch and I rested my head on his shoulder, feeling in peace.
"I love you Paul" I mumbled with a smile-
"I love you too Jessie" he said and tightened his arms around me.
Somehow I needed all the human contact I could get, so he didn't let go of me until I felt safe and calmed again. It had been an extremely weird and intense experience, but it had done for me what I couldn't had done by myself. To start healing and move on.
But before moving on, I still had a little something to do. It was a risky move, and I had no idea how it'd turn out but at least I had to try.
It was the least thing I could do for her now.
I stared at the small yellow frontage right in front of me and I took an encouraging breath to push myself to do this. I walked the steps until I reached out and rang the bell. I felt a hole starting to form right beneath my feet, but I didn't move an inch. I wouldn't leave this place until I say what I had come here to say.
"Hey Lucie" I said with a half smile when a shy girl crooked door the door open and stared at my feet.
"What do you want?" she replied with her tone barely above a whisper. Even when she tried to shield, I could tell she was frightened by me and that made me ache.
"Straight to the point then. Listen umm... I know it's long overdue but I really owe you an apology. I-I really don't know what was wrong with me back then. I treated you so badly and you above all people did not deserve it. You were a great student and a very pacific person and you really didn't deserve what I did to you. I know it might not mean anything to you now, but I want you to know I am truly sorry. You have no idea how much I want to take those things I did back but I can't. I just hope that someone day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me" I said taking my time to say all the right words I went over my head on my way here. Words I had wanted to say for a while but really didn't dare.
I really didn't know how she'd react, or how I wanted her to react. I just wanted to say that and period, and if she had something to say too (which likely she would) I'd take it silently. She deserved to say every nasty word in the world to me, but she didn't.
"Why now?" she asked me feeling more than confused. This had been years ago, and I could perfectly understand why.
"I'm someone else now. I found someone that showed me things differently. That I wasn't meant to be nothing but a spoiled brat. Someone who believes in me, you know? And he helped me to believe in myself" I explained with the very first words that came to my mind. I never realized why I had changed so much, but I guess now I knew.
"Well... tell this someone I say thank you" she said and I thought I saw her lips curl in a smile for like a fraction of second. I felt free.
I smiled for myself as a thought crossed my mind. Thank you Paul.
By Psparkle022