Chapter Seventeen
I took a nap on the blanket, a short one, but long enough to make me feel groggy and slightly muddled. Muffy lay next to me, her face on her paws, soft snores coming from her tiny body. Leave it to me to not only get a farting dog but a snoring one, too. But she was a good dog and I was grateful she was mine. I reached my hand over and scratched the back of her neck.
Lying there with the soft breeze tickling my skin, I realized this is what people meant when they said it’s the little things in life. I felt the tears returning. Enough tears. There wasn’t enough time left to waste on tears.
When the kids woke up, we loaded everyone into the minivan and headed to Violet’s house. It didn’t take much convincing to get Ashley to jump on her trampoline in her backyard with me, especially considering she had begged me to jump many times before. When we tired of jumping, we played dress up. Ashley gave me a makeover, placed a tiara on my head and we paraded around the house using our princess waves. Afterward, I convinced Violet to teach me the basic elements of knitting.
“Now? Let’s do it next week.”
“No,” I said a little too abruptly.
Violet narrowed her eyes. “What’s the rush?”
I’m going to die on Sunday and it’s on my list of things I wish to do before I die didn’t sound like an appropriate answer. I shrugged then tried Ashley’s puppy face. “Please?”
Violet laughed, “I need to get dinner started.”
“Just a few steps…”
“Stitches.”
“Just a few stitches. Please?”
Violet relented and thankfully I was a fast learner.
“What do you want to make?” she asked as I cast a long row of uneven stitches.
“I dunno, a scarf?”
“That’s pretty easy. You keep up at that pace and you could be done in a couple of weeks.”
I didn’t have a couple of weeks, but that didn’t matter. I just needed to learn how to knit.
I washed my face before I left. I would have just enough time to make sure my house had been put together before Joe showed up.
When we got home, Muffy sniffed around our yard, reacquainting herself with the territory and marking all the appropriate places. I pulled the keys from under the mat as Joe pulled in.
“Please don’t tell me you had those keys under your rug,” he said as he got out of the car.
“Okay, then I won’t.”
He groaned as he walked over. He looked dirty, his hair a scroungy mess. Streaks of grease covered his hands and ran up his arms. He smelled of sweat and gasoline. As crazy as it was, I had never seen him sexier.
“Why would you do such a thing?” he asked, but not in his usual bossy tone.
“It was only this one time. The cleaning ladies left them under the mat since I wasn’t home when they finished.”
“Cleaning ladies? Why would you need a cleaning lady? Your house is spotless.”
I shrugged. I really didn’t want to go into the morning’s events. “Maybe I should have sent them over to your house instead, since it’s so messy and all.”
He laughed but sounded a little uneasy. “Yeah…what do you want to eat?”
I unlocked the door and turned around to face him. “I really don’t have much food to cook.” I didn’t really see the purpose in making a grocery store run at this point.
He leaned on the side of the house, trapping me against the door. “Who needs food?”
I pushed against his chest, “You’re nothin’ but a big tease, Joe McAllister. You have no intention of giving me what I want.”
He kissed me and I silently cursed his ability to make me forget what I was arguing about.
“I’ll give you everything you want and more… on Monday.”
“Argh!” I growled as I turned around and opened the door. “That still doesn’t solve our dinner dilemma.”
“We can order out and have it delivered. What sounds good?”
“Chinese,” I said the first thing that popped into my head. I’d never had Chinese food and it was on my list. Momma said she wouldn’t eat food made by communists.
He smiled, a real smile, not his usual teasing or taunting smirk. It made him look like a boy, the way his eyes sparkled. I smiled up at him like an idiot, lost in his eyes. They were a dark brown, but I could see little flicks of almost black scattered around his pupils. I realized he had asked me a question.
I cringed, giggling. “Sorry, I was caught up in the view.” My boldness amazed me, but at this point, I had nothing to lose.
He actually looked embarrassed and his cheeks turned red.
I laughed. Joe McAllister blushing. That was a sight I never expected to see. “Obviously, I didn’t hear your question.”
“Do you want to order it? I need to take a shower.” He stretched his arms out from his sides to emphasis his point.
The image of Joe in the shower popped into my head, which didn’t help anything. I shook my head to clear it. “Yeah, sure. I can order. What do you want?”
A slow smile spread across his face, but he answered, “Kung Pao Chicken.”
I repeated it in my head several times so I’d remember. “Go take your shower you big tease, then come back over.”
I walked into the kitchen, unsure what I’d find but it looked put together. Then I got out the phone book, which had seen a lot of action in the last couple of days. I had no idea what to order, but the restaurant had a menu printed in the phone book. I knew I liked beef and I liked broccoli, so beef and broccoli seemed like a safe bet. They said they’d deliver the order in thirty minutes.
I was still a bit damp from the afternoon, so I put on another pair of lingerie, the lavender set, and threw on a skirt and blouse. I checked my hair in the bathroom. It looked flat and lifeless, but I didn’t see the point of doing anything other than fluffing it a bit. I didn’t have on any makeup, not that I usually did, but I wanted to look good for Joe. I carefully put on some mascara, which I was still getting the hang of, and some blush.
Joe still hadn’t returned so I checked Momma’s room. All the photos and items were deposited back where they belonged. I grabbed a box and sat on the bed and pulled a photo off the top. It was a picture of the four of us at Violet’s graduation. Momma and Daddy flanked a beaming Violet, in her blue cap and gown. Momma’s stern face overshadowed Daddy’s, with his vacant eyes. I stood on Daddy’s right, staring off to the side. I remembered that day. I’d watched Uncle Earl, wishing I was with him instead of my own family. Hearing that Aunt Bessie had wanted to raise me was a surprise. I couldn’t help but think how differently my life would have turned out if that had happened. But to live with them would have meant leaving Violet. I was glad I stayed, in spite of all the pain.
I pulled out the next photo. They were all out of order now and this one was Violet and me, when we were little, standing in front of a Christmas tree. I didn’t remember that Christmas, but we looked to be about five and three, in our flannel pajamas and holding our baby dolls. We looked happy, ear to ear smiles on our faces. Why couldn’t I remember that? A happy time?
Tears filled my eyes again, as I pulled out the next photo. Daddy and me, in the backyard. He was kneeling, planting flowers. Six-year-old Rose looked happy but I saw something missing in my eyes. No wonder I didn’t have friends when I was little. I looked like a zombie.
I wore a pair of gloves and held a small garden shovel, ready to help Daddy. I studied his face, searching for any signs of regret. It was amazing how using a new filter to view your life could change your perception. I wondered how he could stand by and watch Momma do what she did for all those years. The tears fell down my cheeks. I was so tired of crying. I sniffed and wiped one cheek with the back of my hand, startled to see Joe standing in the doorway.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He moved toward me and sat on the bed, wrapping an arm around my back. “I came in the kitchen and you weren’t there, so I decided to look for you. Why’re you crying?” He looked down at the photo. “Is that you?” He took the picture from my hand, getting a closer look. “And that must be your dad. I see the resemblance.”
For some reason that made me cry harder.
“Hey,” he said, wiping away my tears. “What’s wrong?”
“What would you do if you found out your entire life was a lie?”
His face lost all expression. “What do you mean?”
“It doesn’t matter. Not anymore. I don’t want to spend any more time thinking about it.”
“Are you in some kind of trouble, Rose? Tell me, maybe I can help you.”
I shook my head. “I’ve got more trouble this week than most people have in a lifetime. But it doesn’t matter, after Sunday it won’t matter.”
“What happens Sunday?”
His eyes looked so kind, like he really cared. Maybe I could tell him. I was tired of keeping this secret to myself. My eyes welled up again, to my dismay. “You’d never believe me if I told you. I can’t even tell Violet.”
“Your sister? Why can’t you tell Violet?”
“I don't want to scare or worry her.”
He put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him. “You won't scare me. I might be worried but I can take it. I’m good at working out problems. Maybe I can help you with yours.”
I wanted to believe him. If only I could find a way out of this. I sniffed. “I’m afraid if I tell you, you won’t like me anymore.” If I told him I had visions, he’d think I was a freak, just like everyone else. Or he’d call me a liar. I didn’t like either alternative.
“No, Rose, I swear. There’s nothing you can say that will make me not like you.”
I wavered, so tempted. What was the worst that could happen? He ran screaming and never looked back. But I liked having him around; I didn’t want to lose him.
He stroked my cheek with his hand. “You don’t have to do this alone. Let me help you.” His last words were soft and soothing, like a caress.
I closed my eyes and leaned my cheek into his hand. It felt so good to be touched. I risked losing this if I told him. I might not get the opportunity again before Sunday.
“I really like you, Rose. This isn’t just physical. I like you but we can’t make this work if you won’t be honest with me.”
That made me cry harder. He only reminded me of what I would never have.
“Hey, hey. That wasn't supposed to make you cry. I thought you liked me too.”
“I do.”
“Then trust me.”
Trust was a tricky thing. Usually the person asking for the trust had to prove they were worthy to receive it. Had Joe proven himself trustworthy?
The doorbell rang.
Joe groaned his frustration. “Wait here. I’ll get it.”
I watched him jump up and walk out of the room then followed a few seconds behind. I didn't want to be in this room full of painful memories anymore.
Joe paid for our food. I went into the bathroom, disturbed to see my mascara had smeared beneath my eyes. Maybe that was why I never wore the stuff. I grabbed a washrag out of the linen closet, which reminded me of the intruder that morning. Joe must have been on the same wavelength. He stood in the partially open door and leaned against the frame.
“Why are there holes in your walls?” he asked quietly, but I knew him well enough now to hear the undercurrent of irritation.
I wet the washrag and swiped beneath my eyes. “From the intruder.”
“I thought they never got inside. I thought you said they fell out the window.”
“You ask too many questions, Joe. How come you're the one asking all the questions and never answering any?”
“Fine, try asking one.”
“Fine.” I turned to face him, leaning my hip into the edge of the counter. “I don't even know what you do. What’s your job?”
“I never tried to keep that from you. You just never asked.”
It was true. I never had. “So what is it?”
“I’m a mechanic.”
That made sense, considering how his hands and arms had been covered in grease.
“Why did you move here?”
“I needed a change.”
“Why?”
He got a sheepish look on his face. “Girlfriend issues.”
“Hilary?”
“Yeah.” He didn't say anything else.
I shot him a look of frustration. “Seriously, can’t you volunteer anything?”
He groaned, grabbing my hand, and pulled me into the kitchen. “We dated for a couple of years. Okay, we lived together at the end. But it didn't work out so not only did I move out, I moved away.” He started pulling the containers out of the bag and setting them on the table.
I got a couple of glasses out of the cabinet. “But why Henryetta? Most people want out of Henryetta, not in.”
He tilted his head to the side in a half-shrug. “There was a job here and I needed a job.”
“So why did Hilary show up?”
He stopped and rested the back of his legs against the table. The kitchen was small enough that he could grab my arm and tug me toward him. He pulled me to his chest and looked into my eyes, brushing the hair off my cheek. “I didn’t invite her here. She invited herself. She wasn’t my girlfriend at that point, although she hoped to be when she left. But I sent her away, Rose. It made me furious when she told you she was my girlfriend. I would have sent her away that night, but I tried to be courteous and I let her spend the night, in a separate room. She left the next day. You saw that.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I tried. You wouldn’t listen.”
I suddenly felt stupid. “Joe, I’m so sorry. I thought…” I looked away in embarrassment.
“Hey,” he put his fingers under my chin and turned my face to his. “I don’t blame you. It looked bad and you didn’t know me very well. That’s how I knew you really liked me though. You knew about Hilary, yet you were still interested in me.”
“So why can’t you go to the police?”
The blinds of honesty closed in his eyes. They looked cold in contrast. “I can’t answer that. Tonight.” He stressed. “If you give me until next week, I think I can tell you then.”
“And you won’t help me with number fifteen until you can tell me?”
He nodded. “I want you to know everything first, so you don't think I tried to trick you.”
The next week, I think began to sink in. “Wait a minute,” I turned my head to the side, scrutinizing him. “You keep telling me Monday, but it might actually be later.”
“What difference does a few days make? You’ve waited this long, what’s your hurry?”
“Maybe I’m tired of waiting.”
“What happens in three days?”
“Why won’t you go to the police?”
We reached a stalemate, and Joe wasn’t pleased. He just lost his upper hand. But instead of getting angry, he sighed. “Let's eat.”
We sat down, the mood heavy around us. It made me sad and depressed. This wasn’t how I wanted to spend my time with him. He was hiding things from me, but I didn’t want to spend the two days I had left figuring it out. Since he was hung up on my insistence that Sunday was the day everything had to be done, maybe I should just pretend it didn’t exist.
“This is good. I’ve never had Chinese food before.”
Joe’s mouth fell open in shock. “What? If I had known, I would have ordered. How did you know what to get?”
He laughed when I told him my reasoning. “You need to go to a Chinese buffet. You can try all kinds of different things on a buffet and then you’ll know what you like next time you order.”
“Maybe we could go next week,” I said, trying my new tactic.
The merriment in his eyes fell away. “I thought the world was going to end on Sunday.”
I shrugged. “Maybe you’ve convinced me it won’t. So what do you say? Wanna go with me?”
I couldn't help noticing he wouldn’t look me in the eye when he spoke with a chipperness I wasn’t used to hearing him use. “Yeah, sure.”
That seemed odd. Maybe he and Hilary really weren’t over, but it didn’t matter if they were or not. I only needed him for two more days. Facing death made me shameless.
Joe tried to restore our lighthearted mood and demonstrated how to use the thin wooden chopsticks in the bag. He showed me how to hold them like a pencil and pinch the ends together, then had me try. We held our chopsticks in the air, pinching at nothing in the air. Joe was pretty adept with chopsticks. I just made a mess.
I laughed. “Maybe if I can master this, I can put this in the number twenty-nine spot.”
“Oh, yeah. Get your list and let’s go through it.”
“Why do you want to help me?” Even though I vowed not to ask questions, this one made me curious.
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” he looked at me, cringing a bit, “but I’ve never met anyone who has had so few life experiences. I like watching you live ’em.” He smiled. “Plus, it sounds fun.”
I retrieved the list and set it on the table between us. It looked more battered than the last time he’d seen it.
“I see you’ve checked off more things.”
“Yeah, and a few more things today.” I picked up a pen off the table. “Today was dance…” I checked it off.
His eyes twinkled. “You danced?”
“Yeah, in the Henryetta splash park.” Last week I would have been embarrassed to admit it. Today I was proud.
He chuckled. “I sure would have liked to have seen that.”
“Dress like a princess…” Check.
“Why am I missing out on all these? Was this while you were dancing in the Henryetta splash park? What were you wearing?”
“No, it was not.” I laughed. “It was later. My niece Ashley put a tiara on me and enough makeup to help me establish a new career as a prostitute.”
“I might like to have a say in your career choice.” His voice was low in my ear.
If I had any hope of crossing off fifteen, I would have let him go on. Instead, I gave him a playful shove. “We have work to do. Focus.”
“Learn to knit.” Check. I waited for him to say something. When he didn’t I turned to him. “No comment?”
He raised his eyebrow in an apologetic gesture. “Knitting doesn’t do anything for me. Sorry.”
I laughed. “What if I said I was knitting you a scarf?”
“Are you?” The excitement in his voice surprised me.
“I could be…” I gave him a wicked look. “For a price.”
“Monday. Moving on.”
“Picnic in the park.” Check.
“You really never went on a picnic in the park before?” He asked softly, sadness creeping into his voice.
“No, but you know, it’s okay. I did today.”
“How could you not experience all these normal things?”
I knew what he meant, but his words stung. Normal. Just a reminder that I wasn’t. “Momma was strict. She didn't believe in having fun; picnics were frivolous things. Gardners did not do frivolous things.”
He took my hand in his, slowly stroking his fingers along the back and up to my wrist. “Your mother sounds like she was a hard woman to live with.” His other hand moved up to my hair as he looked into my face. “You’ve had a lot of pain in your life. I’m sorry.”
My vision got blurry from tears. I didn’t want to cry with Joe. I looked down at the list. “Oh,” I said, trying to sound cheerful. “I forgot one.”
Joe moved the hand in my hair down to my back, holding me in an embrace like I had seen Mike do with Violet.
“Wear a lacy bra and panties.” Check.
Joe started to cough and then laugh.
“Why is that funny?” I turned to face him, ready to pounce on him for making fun of me.
His eyes grew dark. “Trust me, there’s nothing funny about what you just said. You just caught me off guard.” His arm around my back pulled me closer to him, so my shoulder fit into his chest, his hand pressed against my arm. “Listen Rose, I know you’re very inexperienced, and I know that you’re not used to talking about things like this, so I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t warn you that you can’t just talk about these kinds of things with guys.”
“But I’m talkin’ to you about it.”
“Well…I’m different. A lot of guys would take advantage of the situation. You're too trusting. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Why are you different than other guys? Do you not want to, you know, with me?” I still couldn’t bring myself to say it. “It’s okay if you don’t want me, just tell me.” If he didn’t want to, it would hurt, but I’d rather know now.
Joe groaned, long and deep, and his arm tightened around me. “You have no idea how much I want you. But I can’t yet, I just can’t and you don’t know how hard it is. In fact,” he turned my head to look at him, his eyes burning with desire. “All I can think about at this moment is the bra and panties you’re wearing under your clothes. What do they look like? What color are they? What do you look like in them? I think about how I can take your clothes off so I can see.”
“Lavender,” I whispered. “They’re lavender.”
He groaned again and kissed me, smashing my body against his. I was at an odd angle, and felt awkward but he soon made me forget. His lips claimed mine while his hands slid up my back, under my shirt. I wrapped my arms around him, fearful he would stop, but Joe showed no intention of stopping.
He pulled me out of my chair so I sat on his lap, how he managed it, I had no idea. There were only so many things I could concentrate on at a time. I sat across his legs, his arm around my back the other hand working on the buttons of my blouse, his mouth driving me mad. Who said men couldn’t multitask? Joe seemed to be very good at it.
He moved his hand from my back and pulled his lips away from mine. I started to protest but saw him gazing at the front of my shirt which now gaped open, revealing my bra. His hands moved to my shoulders, slowly slipping my blouse down my arms. It fell to the floor behind me.
I knew I should be embarrassed, but I couldn’t help feeling empowered, that I was the one who made him gape like that. I felt sexy. And alive.
Joe’s hands moved to my waist and slowly up my sides, teasing me with anticipation. Then his eyes searched mine, his full of longing and regret. “I can’t stop myself any more, Rose. You’re the only one who can stop me now.”
His mouth moved to mine, a hand on my breast, slipping inside my bra. I gasped in surprise, amazement and need. I never knew I could feel like this. His mouth followed behind his hand, astounding me even more.
I clung to him, silently pleading for more even though it felt like a greedy request, but he must have understood. The next thing I knew, he carried me to my room.
He dropped my legs to the floor, and we stood next to my bed. I turned to face him, my almost bare chest against his shirt. I wanted to feel the skin of his chest against mine. I reached for the bottom of his shirt. His hands joined mine and we lifted it off together, then he tossed it on the floor. He found the button of my skirt, undoing it and then the zipper. It fell, puddling at my feet. I absently kicked it to the side and looked up at him, wondering what happened next.
“God, you’re beautiful,” he murmured running his hands up and down my back as he studied my front. His hands stopped at the clasp of my bra on my back. “It’s not too late to stop, Rose. You only have to tell me no and I’ll stop immediately.”
“Why would I want you to stop?”
His mouth was on mine again, my bra soon gone and his mouth moved down to my breasts until I moaned. I was almost embarrassed but an overwhelming need overshadowed shame.
“Oh Joe, please…”
“What do you want, Rose? Do you want me to stop?”
“No!” I nearly shouted. “Don’t stop!” But I didn’t know what I needed either. What I felt was primal and instinctual. I had no idea what I needed, I only knew I needed it or I would die.
If all my senses hadn’t been thoroughly occupied at the moment, I would have laughed at the irony of it. Maybe that’s how I died on Sunday, from lack of sex.
Somewhere in that thought process, Joe moved us to the bed, and shed his jeans. I made a mental note to compliment him later on his multitasking. His skills were quite impressive. He wore a pair of boxers and lay on his side next to me. My view of him was somewhat obscured by his angle, frustrating me. I wanted to see more.
His mouth and hands made me forget.
His hand slid down into my panties and I was sure I was going to die tonight, my vision got the date wrong, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t think of any better way to go. I even heard bells. Maybe they were the bells on Saint Peter’s gate.
I came to my senses the moment Joe’s body was gone, like in the The Time Traveler’s Wife. Maybe that was Joe’s big secret. Maybe he time-traveled.
But Joe was still in the room, on the floor, digging his ringing cell phone out of the pocket of his jeans. He looked at the number. “Shit!” he said before he answered. “Yeah.” His brows furrowed as he listened. “Yeah,” he said again, and then he hung up.
I heard guys weren’t big on talking on the phone, but that call was ridiculous.
“I’ve gotta go.” He sat on the edge of the bed and scrambled to put his jeans back on. Then he stuffed his feet into his still-tied shoes.
“What? Now?”
He reached over and pulled my head to his, giving me a quick kiss. “You have no idea how badly I want to finish this, but I have to go.”
“Will you come back?” I couldn’t have gotten this close to stop now.
“I don't know how long this will take. I’ll call you tomorrow. We’ll work on your list tomorrow night.”
He grabbed his shirt off the floor and pulled it over his head as he walked out of the room.
I threw on the first thing I could find, a t-shirt that didn’t cover my bottom. My panties, amazingly enough, were still on my body. I ran after him.
“Joe, wait!” I stood in the kitchen doorway, watching him climb into his car. I didn’t care who saw me. “Where are you going?”
“Work.”
“At nine o’clock at night?”
He was already in the car, but got out and stood next to the door. His face changed. He wasn’t my Joe anymore. If I had run into this Joe at the bar in Jaspers I would have run home. “Don’t ask me questions, Rose. If you’re smart, you’ll stay out of this. Now go back inside.” The last part was a direct order. One he expected me to obey.
I didn't tell him to stop bossing me around because for one thing, his car had already left, and for another, I was too scared. For the first time since I met Joe, I was honest to goodness scared of him.