I walk the halls
Putting on my best pretend smile
And the laugh I've mastered to fake
Just for the friends I know.
The friends who worry about me
Most of them know
They know I'm faking
They know I'm tired
Exhausted from myself
They ask if I'm okay
Hoping that I'll finally open up
Like a chest filled with secrets
But I don't
I just smile and say 'Im okay'
But they know the truth
They can see the bags under my eyes
The drastic change in my weight and size
My unkempt hair
They see it all on the outside
But for as long as I can
They won't ever know what I'm thinking
They won't ever know that the things
The things I think are millions of voices
Voices that I have no control over
Those voices tell me many things
They tell me Im fine I don't deserve to sleep
Im too fat and that I shouldn't eat
I'm too ugly so why bother
They tell me that I'm alone
I don't have anyone
I'm just a bother. A nuisance
They make me think the unthinkable
Even though I know what they say aren't true.
My body can't resist
Cause of those voices I now only get 1-2 hours to sleep every 2 days
I have a tiny appetite and slow metabolism
I lost 18 pounds in two weeks
I don't even try to look proper in the morning
I attempted things that should never be experienced all cause of those voices
But with all my remaining strength and sanity
I won't let them break me
I'll keep on getting up
I'll keep walking those halls
Talking to my friends
And telling them that I'm okay
Even if I'll be dreading for when night arrives
When I'm visited by those voices
Who convince me to do horrid things
That makes everyone worry
I won't let them break me completely
For even I know even if I'm a bother
Some people truly do need me.
For I know even if I don't sleep I can at least relax with the thoughts of those I care about are sleeping soundly.
For even if I barely eat I can at least smile, watching my friends and family eat around me.
For even if I'm faking, my loved ones can still laugh and smile
And with that in mind
I'll keep those voices at bay for as long
As my heart is filled with people
Who I truly love
©raibear