"Ok, I have a plan..."
Louis groans loudly but I wave my hands to shush him.
"No, it's a good one-"
"So long as it doesn't involve me having to get involved in foursome with Farquaad and Cinderella-"
"Shut up, Zayn. No hear me out. Ok, so we have two months left, right? Let's just go to the press! We'll just tell the papers what Dr P is up to, there's no way he can destroy anyone if the media already knows about it...."
I look round at the skeptical faces. "... Or you can all just stare at me stupidly. That's not annoying..."
"Forgive me, sweet maid, but I believe the trecherous doctor has already foreseen this desirable outcome. As was mentioned in former correspondence-"
"What Hamlet is trying to say is that- if you'd bothered to read the contracts- you'd know that Dr P has obtained a injunction against the media and with government permission, he can conduct his year without any media interference. So basically-" Zayn draws on his cigarette. "... we're fucked."
"I still have £40,000 in my account." I press on, ignoring Zayns horribly valid points. "That 40k-"
"Isn't even enough to buy Harry's upper body. Or his bottom half, whichever you prefer to keep." Zayn smirks.
"Disgustingly crude, you foul creature." Louis sniffs. "Tell us, where is our dear brother?"
"He's out at his coffee morning with the grannies." I sigh, shoving Zayns feet off the coffee table and plonking myself next to him as he scowls.
"Ah, tis a fellow of noble heart who seeks to bring gladness to the heart of his elders." Louis glances at the clock. "Indeed, the hour approaches from whence I should depart-"
"You've only just got here." I frown. I thought you and Harry were going to hang out for a few hours-"
"It was my intention... However... My cordless speaking box informs me that I am to be otherwise engaged."
Cordless speaking box? I frown at Zayn who rolls his eyes and points to his own mobile phone.
"Are you sure you don't want to stay for din-"
"Alas," Louis hurries to grab his sword and check his deep red velvet cap in the mirror, "I do not have time to tarry! Forgive me, sweet maid, for I must depart!"
In his haste to leave he almost trips over Dave, although I could swear that Dave purposefully positions himself in Louis' way.
"Well that was just weird." I say, shaking my head at the door that Louis has just half galloped out of.
"Huh, not really. He only came here to shake me off."
"What do you mean?" I turn to frown at Zayn, before realising what he's doing and grabbing the cigarette out of his hand. "You're not allowed to smoke in here!" I snap.
"Sheesh. Keep your knickers on." He mutters.
"What do you mean about Louis?"
"We'd arranged to spend the day together, but he wanted to cancel. I said no." Zayn grins wickedly. "Just because it's funny it see him get his velvet knickers in a twist-"
"That's horrible."
"Anyway, he's been trying to get rid of me all day. It's been highly amusing. He tried to lose me in a department store so I got them to put out an announcement for a missing person and he was frog-marched to the front of the shop-"
"Zayn!"
"Looks like this was his last big idea anyway. Pretend he wants to hang out with Harry then ditch me as soon as we got here."
"Why though?"
"Well..." Zayn toys with his cigarette packet, smirking to himself. "I reckon Farquaad's got himself a date..."
"No way! Since when?" The first thing that pops into my mind is that this is another thing for me to hide from the Dream Factory.
"Apparently she spilt a drink on him and he looked up he was blown away by... Blah blah blah- insert your own lame Shakespeare shit here."
"Who is she?"
"Don't know, don't really care who is getting into those tiny velvet pants." Zayn shrugs, standing up and grabbing his leather jacket.
"But... He's only supposed to be able to fall in love with Effie! That's the whole thing!"
"But it doesn't work they way they thought it would... It's not working for all of us the way it's meant to." Zayn looks up at me. His eyes catch mine and for a second it seems like he wants to carry on talking but at that moment, the key scrapes in the lock and I can hear Dave meowing gleefully to welcome Harry home.
Harry tries to insist that Zayn stay for food and he does seem very tempted, but his phone begins to ring and once he's spotted Kathy's number, he mutters about having to get home.
He doesn't look too excited at the prospect and I really wonder how this is all going to end.
***
This is the first night I've had alone with Harry in over three weeks. Between my study nights with Charlie, the extra bar job I've taken on to bring in more money, Harry producing cakes faster than Mr Kipling and the seemingly constant presence of either a Dream Factory boy and their partner, or a Dream Factory employee, I've almost forgotten what it's like when it's just us two.
Harry has cooked us beef stroganoff and we've watched Beauty and the Beast. I'm so used to watching it multiple times a week that I've actually missed it.
Jesus, what is this boy doing to me.
To add to the sheer cheese fest, we're both wearing matching pajamas. A couple of weeks ago, Harry decided to completely ignore the fact that I'm a Gryfindor and buy me a canary yellow Hufflepuff nightie. It's a little bit short, it barely covers my arse actually, and Harry says that's accidental but I don't believe him.
I'm just hoping he's not gonna get some hella mad kink where I have to role play as McGonagall and spank him or some weird shit like that.
Speaking of Harry Potter, my Harry has just bought a Harry potter monopoly set and he's insisting that we play it. So, as we battle it out to own Godrics hollow and Hogsmeade high street, I tell Harry about Louis apparently having a new girlfriend. Sort of.
"Maybe he's just trying to make Effie jealous?" Harry skips over "Go to Azkaban" and looks up at me. "That's what I'd do."
"What do you mean, that's what you'd do?" I brush away Dave, who keeps trying to squeeze his fat paw in from different angles to slowly knock the pieces off the board.
"Well..." Harry says carefully, shaking the dice. "If you left me, I'd go out with someone like Jenna to make you angry." He says cheerfully.
"Harry! That's so manipulative!"
"Ok..." He looks at me blankly. "That's a good thing, right?" He says hopefully.
"No, of course it's not!"
"But if you didn't still like me, why would you care who I dated?" He frowns.
I can't think how to explain things and because I'm so petty, the mention of Harry even thinking about about dating Jenna leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
It's with a stab of extremely vindictive pleasure that I charge Harry 1000 sickles on his next go, for landing on my street which has a burrow on.
The game drags on forever and I'm starting to get bored by the way Harry examines all of his cards and, for reasons best known to himself, the board from different angles on every go he takes, so I start cheating. Just an extra couple of hundred every time I pass go, or Harry is looking at his cards. I legit just want the game to end quickly with a clear victory to me and it's to my astonishment that Harry absolutely thrashes me. He ends up somehow owning most of the board and nearly all of the money, despite my frantic cheating.
"That was fun, shall we play again?" He smiles.
I realise it's been four hours.
"Let's do something else." I say weakly.
"You know Hendrix, next time if you don't cheat, you might win." He says helpfully as he packs away.
"Wha.... I didn't cheat." I laugh, extra unconvincingly.
"Yes you did." He smiles at me kindly. "But you know, it just made me more determined to win. Maybe try playing properly next time."
I can feel myself blushing and I make several very vague noises intended to convey that I'm not actually a Monopoly cheater, but Harry doesn't seem to mind at all.
I busy myself getting some blankets from the blanket box as Harry grabs some snacks. Living with someone who is amazing at baking is doing terrible things to my waistline and my existing stomach roll now has its own stomach roll, so essentially my stomach fat is stuck in some weird inception, never-ending fat dimension shit.
Because Harry is a weirdo, he seems to find my new love handle extremely sexy and I'm not complaining. Like, damn boy, if you're down with this, I can take this to jabba the hut levels in about a week.
We're curled up under our blanket, with Dave in-between purring, acting like a cute, loveable fur baby for once. Harry is has his arm around me, occasionally offering me bites of his chocolate brownie. There's a really old corny horror film on but I keep glancing away to look at Harry. We've hardly had any time together lately and tonight has been so lovely. Harry turns towards me and winks, pressing a gentle kiss to the tip of my nose and trailing his fingertips softly across the bare skin of my thighs, toying with the edge of my short nightie.
And then the door bell goes.
Harry groans, letting his forehead press against mine before standing up and pausing the film.
We both head to the door, me peering round Harry's shoulder and pulling my nightie down as we stare out into the dark night.
There's no one there.
"Nasmaste, my dudes."
We look down and there, cross-legged on the doorstep in the rain is...
Niall. Of course.
"Oh, Hallo Niall!" Harry says causally, as if it's normal for your friends to meditate on your doorstep in just a pair of yoga pants at ten pm.
"How is it going, brother?" Niall presses his hands together and bows his head.
"What are you doing here?!" I hiss, stepping out from behind Harry.
"Well," Niall stands and walks in, casually pushing his way past us as though it's his house, which it might as well be, given how bloody often he's here. "Tonight was Abby's goddess meditation group. She gets a bunch of chicks round to meditate, and my energies were messing everything up, ya know? Having a dude in the house during a sacred feminine meditation is a big no-no." He sighs and shakes his head and his damp plaits swing from side to side.
"So you just decided to come here?" I say flatly.
"That's right." Niall smiles kindly, as if he's congratulating me on answering a particularly hard maths question. He opens the fridge and begins rummaging inside.
"We're kinda busy, actually." Harry says awkwardly. He ruffles his hair and points back to the paused film and pile of snacks.
"Oh!" Niall eyes widen as he looks between us. "Oh, my dudes, I'm sorry! I promise, you won't hear a peep from me. Not even a whisper. The meditation will be done in, like, two hours and I'll just go straight home. Don't let me disturb you guys. You won't even know I'm here."
We both exchange a look and sigh, before resuming our place under the blanket, without the thigh stroking this time.
The film is actually pretty good. There's a slow build up where a girl is walking along a beach, towards a house. It starts in colour before that slowly fades out and it becomes black and white, and she looks terrified, but its as if she can't help but walk to the house, although she doesn't want too.
Harry's breathing increases, and I'm drawing the blanket up to my face to hide from the jump scare as she slowly reaches out a hand to push open the door. Slowly... Her fingers extended...
An extremely loud crunching comes from next to us. Niall is eating carrot sticks at such a volume that he drowns out the girls scream.
"Oh, I've seen this before my dudes." He points a carrot stick at the screen. "Turns out she's dead. All along you think it's some monster, but at the very end it's just her. Kinda cool, huh?"
We both gape at him and he frowns.
"Hey, can I share? It's kinda cold." He shuffles towards me and pulls up the blanket, yanking most of it over himself. I shriek as presses his icy feet against my shins to warm them up.
"That's better... Hey, are those space cakes?" He points to the little pile of chocolate brownies and I groan.
***
Harry slams the door behind Niall and turns towards me, looking mildly traumatised.
Niall ended up under the blanket between us, as apparently being on the edge was messing with his sacral chakra.
His sacral chakra was not, however, affected by the bottle of my wine he drank, nor by the film he insisted on narrating to us.
"Come on." Harry grabs my hand in his large one and leads me back down the hall. "This was supposed to be our night together, we don't have to be up early, let's just pick another film and-"
He actually whimpers as the doorbell peels through the studio.
Robert is pouting sullenly on the doorstep.
"I can't come in unless you invite me." He whispers.
"Well, that hasn't ever stopped you before." I snap.
"I'm misunderstood." He pouts so hard that it looks like he's sucking an invisible lemon.
He turns his back to us and stare out at the night, raindrops pouring down his face.
"A creature of the night. Unwanted, unloved... Except by one. But what can I offer her? A shell of a man, a beast within-"
Harry slowly closes the door.
Roberts back is still turned away and Harry winces as the latch clicks loudly. We can still hear Robert telling his mournful story on the other side of the door.
Harry leans past me and pulls the buzzer off the hook, so that no matter how many times someone presses, we won't hear a thing.
He leads me back down the hall and shuts the door behind us.
"So, Hendrix... What do you want to watch?" He laughs.