Three months later
I've officially become cancer free. It was the best thing to hear last month. Marlon, Sadie and Dakota are growing fast. Now since I'm eighteen I have three children in my custody. I'm legal guardians for all three of them. Even though two are my siblings, but it was written in mama's will that I did this, so I had no other choice. I didn't mind though. The only weird thing was that they have been calling me mama. I didn't know how to feel about that so I let it go. People when we go outside always stare at us. I didn't care, but at the same time I did. I had a three month old, then two ten month old's. People claim that I couldn't have them and I told'em it's none of their business. So they leave me alone. Marlon was a very happy baby. He never stopped giggling. He was always smiling and never cried unless he meant it. So it was usually when he was hungry. Or when he needed a bum change, but that's what every baby does.
Today was a different day. Dad planned for us to go to the grocery store. It wasn't the best thing for me since I was still struggling with my weight, and drug use. I think both of those would contribute to each other. They don't know about the drug use, but they still know about the weight issue. David thinks I've stopped using, so he has left me alone. Papa has quit drinking so heavily, and dad has been kinda been on and off with it. Three babies in the house has put a little bit more stress on him. I didn't let him help out since he was stressed out. He always wanted to, but I told him he needed to take it easier since he was having a few seizures a week. Since then he cooled down.
I woke up this morning with Abby in my bed along with Sadie and Dakota. Marlon was in his crib sound asleep. I was hit in the face with a few baby blocks. I knew who the culprit was. I turned on my lamp. "Sadie Rosalina Marie knock it off. Mommy will take those away." I saw papa turn over on the couch. "Sam, you're not her mother. Lay down and go back to sleep. It's only five." "Papa that's okay, and I'm her mother just as much as mama was. They're my responsibility now, so they're my babies. And I am not going back to bed since they're already awake." "Correction, only little miss Sadie is awake. Maybe she'd be asleep if you put them in their play pin." "Papa how am I supposed to know if they're gonna be okay. What if they need me?" "That's what getting out of bed is for. They're gonna be like you with dad. You're gonna regret this." "Papa I'm not, and why are you even in here?" "Your father wanted me to watch over yous. Said he heard you upset earlier. You okay?" "I was upset earlier cause of something I saw on the internet. Also cause, come here." He came onto the bed. "I'mma put these munchkins in their play pin's. Hold on baby." He took the twins and placed them down. They didn't care too much. He came back to my bed and laid down. I pulled some covers over him. "Thanks babe, now what were you trying to say?" "I over heard daddy talkin' on the phone with someone about Fadi being out of jail, and how he wants to see his baby. I don't want him to see him." "Sammy, trust me on this one. Fadi will never see that baby. Now I ain't supposed to tell you this, but he is out of jail. We were warned he might show up here in the next few days or so to gather his belongings, but daddy won't let him in here. Right now we're gonna go back to sleep. I want you to get some rest before we head out to go clothes shopping for the kids." "I can't sleep papa." I felt something pour from my nose. "Hold on, your nose is bleeding." He held a tissue to my nose. I tried not to fall asleep with him there. I must have been tired.
I woke up to the sound of Marlon crying. I saw no one was in here except for him and I. Papa must have taken the twins. I got up and picked him out of the crib. He stopped crying once I changed him. I placed him on the middle of my bed so I could go snort a line. I was in my closet when I heard a knock. "Hold on I'm getting an outfit for the day." "Baby it's just me. I need an outfit for the twins." I quickly put everything away, then grabbed some clothes. I opened the door to see dad standing there. He was holding my son. "Dad here's the clothes for Dakota and Sadie, and now give me my son." I was already dressed. "Is that another cut on your wrist?" "Yes daddy, now let go and give him to me." "Come to the lounge. We can change the kids together. Are you alright?" I nodded. "Yes I'm fine, but I'd be better if you gave me my son." "When we get down there okay." I finally agreed so I could get him. Abby followed us downstairs. When we got down there I saw David and Papa. They were laying on the ground, playing with something. I sat down so dad could pass me Marlon. I sniffed a bit, and it caught David's attention. "Sam look at me for a moment." I turned to him. "Are you high?" "No I'm tired. Now let me change my son." He shrugged it off. I knew he was onto something. David was always onto something with me. See he payed more attention to things like that as apposed to dad who was clueless to things, also very oblivious. David knew I was high, but he wasn't going to say anything. Dad thought nothing of it. He was too busy changing one of the twins. "You ready to go?" "Yeah I am. I've got them in the right things." He helped me off the couch. "I see you already have shoes on. I guess you are ready to go to the car. Are you putting a blanket over the car seat? Just so the paps don't see him." "Dad they've already seen him. He's on my social media pages, but it's cold out so I will do so." Dad just laughed as I struggled to do so. I eventually got it. Then we went to the car.
I saw the paps in the bushes. "Daddy they're in the bushes up there." "I know they are, we just gotta move in quickly." "I am trying, but if he didn't weigh like a thousand pounds it'd be easier." He grabbed him from me. We had to invest on a van since we now had to take the kids everywhere, and because the Range Rover is totaled in our backyard still. Dad hasn't made the effort to get it fixed. Dad put him in the car for me while I got Dakota and Sadie in. Only David was coming with us so I could sit in the middle with Marlon. Papa was gonna clean the house or something like that. I had my doubts since the house wasn't even that messy, but I'm assuming he was going to do laundry or dishes. I had no idea, but that's not what was on my mind. To be quite honest I was too high to think about anything, so I didn't. I rested as we drove off.
~
We arrived at the shopping center. "Dad, what clothes store are we going to?" "One that can surprisingly fit all four of you back there." I knew he was making a joke, but also being serious. I was back to my eighty pounds. So fitting into kids clothes was my forte. I mean aside from my big boobs I could fit into them. I can fit into a child's large and extra large. I was very petite. Dad came around and opened my door. I looked over to him. "Are you ever higher than a kite. What the hell were you thinking?" I was too tired for his shit. "Daddy I'm high on life. Now let me out." He undid my seat belt, then I got out so he could get in the back. I went to the trunk and grabbed the stroller. I was met by David. "See even your father knows. You can sit in the other side of this if you're so tired." We had two double strollers and I was small enough to fit in one. Dad placed Marlon on the top and Dakota in the front half. I had the luxury of sitting with Sadie in the other one. I sat in the back. Just so I could be shielded from the public. Dad placed a blanket over top of it, so I was in the dark. "You good Sam?" "Yeah I'm gonna lay down." "Alright we're starting to move now so don't freak out." "I won't dad." "It's me David now. Dad's pushing the boys." I laughed a bit.
I felt the movement of the stroller. When people asked, we always told them I was too weak because of my cancer. No one bothered us since then. "Sam we're in the store. Wanna see the clothes selection?" I removed the blanket. Dad came around. "Look at this little Jersey." I saw him holding up Leafs jersey. I had one of my own at home. It would be cool to have the kids into hockey too. "Can we get it daddy?" "Yeah of course. I was thinkin' of getting matching ones for the four of you. I know you've got one at home, but the three of'em don't. Since hockey season is starting up again." I agreed, we got matching Auston Matthews jerseys for the kids. "Dad, I need to use the bathroom shortly." "We'll get you there, so don't worry. I'm just gonna get some more stuff for the kids." "Dad, there's still like ten million stores here." "I know, now just relax my love." I pulled the blanket back over my spot. Then I heard a lady come over to us. "You have beautiful children Sir. How old are they?" David removed the blanket to give to Sadie. "I've got a variety of ages here. My husband has my grandson and nephew, who are three months and ten months. My daughter here is eighteen and my niece in ten months." "D, let me have the blanket. I'm cold and sick." What he didn't know was I just snorted another line before he took it. "May I ask an odd question?" "Sure, go ahead. And Sam your sister is cold." She looked confused. "Why is she in the cart if she's eighteen?" "Oh, she's got cancer, and is weak. Today's not one of her good days." She sighed. "Oh I'm so sorry to hear. My apologies for being so rude. Are they all related?" "Yes, eighteen year old is mum to the three month old, and sister to the twins. Not rude at all, I find you just curious as the rest." David smiled down at me.
We made our way back to the register and paid for some things we bought, then headed off to the bathroom. "You need to go still?" I didn't, I just wanted to snort more coke. I really do have a problem. "Yeah, I'll take her in with me. She smells really bad." He laughed as he parked outside of the restroom. I grabbed Sadie and took the diaper bag with me. No one was in the bathroom thank god. I took her into the stall and changed her first. "Okay Sadie don't you go telling Uncle David on me now." I said before I snorted a few lines. What was wrong with me? She cooed at me then laughed. "Okay Sadie let's go before someone comes in here lookin' for us." I was startled by a lady coming in. "Ma'am some men are looking for you. Do you know them? I can call security." "Yes I know them. They're my family." "So sorry for the mistake. I'll let you and your daughter get on your way then. Have a nice day ladies." She smiled. "You as well." I went out of the bathroom to see them standing there. Impatiently waiting for my arrival. "I'm okay dad. Why did you send some lady in there?" "I didn't send anyone in there. No one's been in there. I guess you're just seeing things." I didn't find that funny. I put her back in the seat, then got in myself.
~
We arrived at home shortly after three. Papa had gotten some of the house cleaned. I was proud of him. He accomplished something without drinking. Once we got inside I put the kids down for a nap. I came back and saw them all standing in sequence with their arms crossed. Oh boy what did I do now? Was all I could think to myself. "Guess what time it is?" I was still high at this point. "I don't know. What time is it? I'm pretty sure it's three." Dad chuckled. "It's time for you to eat something." "Not gonna happen. Since I'm not hungry. I think I'm gonna take a nap." "Oh no you're not. You haven't ate in three days. So you either eat or we force feed you like we do with Dakota." I stuck my tongue out at him. "Yeah okay. I'll see you in two hours when the kids wake up." He then motioned for papa and David to come over to me. "What are you doing?" They held me. "We're feeding you." My nose started to pour at the right time. "Oh no you're not going anywhere." He held a tissue to my nose. Then we heard the front door open. "George you better let me see my son." I was now in panic mode. "Da..David is that him?" He held me close to him. "George I thought you got those locks changed?" "I did get them changed. I just hadn't locked the door yet. I said he could come grab the rest of his belongings which aren't in here. I said they were in the garage and that I'd meet him out there. To save further conflict." "How does he know about my son?" "Sammy baby come upstairs with me." Papa said. "He's not seeing my son!" "Shh before you wake them up." I saw him enter the lounge. Papa was holding me back. "Legally I'm allowed to see my son! You stupid fag." I was very angry, but that was just a side effect from the coke. "No you're not!" Dad was visibly upset. I didn't want him here. Papa had to physically remove me from the room before I went over and spazzed on his ass.
He brought me to dad's room. "Samantha what is going on?" "He's not seeing my son!" "Okay shh baby. I know dad won't let that happen. David and I won't either. He's not here forever. He's just here to get some stuff. You weren't supposed to be down there when it happened." I started scratching at some of my cuts. I was very annoyed and upset. "Sam cut that out. Your father and I aren't happy with you for doing that." "What else have you got to throw at me? Am I still lookin' like a skeleton? Am I a disgusting bag of bones? Am I ugly to you? Am I not the daughter you once had?" He seemed shocked. "Samantha, you are none of those. I'm not here to throw insults at you. I'm here to calm you down before you get too overwhelmed with his presences." I saw the door open. It was David. "Kenny I've got this one. George needs you to escort him out." I saw David shaking. "Alright I can go assist them. Take it easy." He sighed as he left. David came over to me. "Before you say anything he didn't touch your son. He didn't go anywhere near him. I made sure of it. Now don't get all uptight, but are you high?" "What does it matter David? No one gives a shit what I think anymore. Like what the hell was he doing here?" He held me close to him. "I know you feel this way right now, but we didn't have a choice. He was allowed to come get his stuff. Now tell me the truth Sam. I won't get mad. I just wanna know." I looked him right in the eyes. "I'm struggling to tell you David. I can't tell you since I know you'll tell daddy that I am." "No I won't. Samantha I haven't told anyone. It's our little secret. I've been getting high too." I felt a big wave of relief. I wrapped my arms around him. "I can't stop David. I don't wanna stop." He brought me over to the bed. "I know you're stressed, and I am too. I just don't want you to be like your mother. You're doing so well." "I know I am D, but this is hard. I've got three babies to take care of and everyone expects me to be this super mom. Everyone expects a lot from me and it's hard to not buckle under pressure. The drugs have been making it easier." He tried his best not to cry. "I know baby. I'm sorry for the big expectations. I know how you feel. It is hard. So I don't blame you baby. We'll keep this our little secret." We were both startled by dad. "What are you keeping a secret?" "The fact that I'm angry." Dad motioned for me to come over. "Sammy I'm sorry he came. I didn't think it'd be today. You know I would never subject you to any of that nonsense." "I know dad. But don't worry about anything. I'm okay now." "Eat for me then." I knew that was coming.
I just didn't know what else he wanted. "Dad I'm not hungry." That seemed to enrage him a little. "No you think you're not hungry. You're underweight again. It's not healthy." "I guess you're right. But does me eating really make you so happy?" He didn't like the tone of my voice. "Enough is enough Samantha. You know eating would make me happier." I got off my bed and went into my closet. "Alright here. I'll eat this whole box of snack cakes. It's gonna make me fatter than I already am. Then you'll be happy." I then ate some of the snack cakes. David and dad looked at me. "Samantha, calm down and quit eating them like that. Also are you high or something because you're acting strange?" "I am not high." I then felt my nose begin to pour again. "Then why are you so angry?" "I'm not angry, so stop bothering me. I'm eating, mmm, so good." I was gonna be sick if I ate anymore. But they were so good. So I decided to eat more. I sat down on my knees and ate more. I didn't like it when they commented on my weight. It was annoying. I never once commented on their flaws. I knew my weight was something they were concerned about, but still. They didn't need to comment every god damn day on it. I turned away trying to cover up the fact that I was gagging. "Sam I'm gonna get a cloth for your nose." David looked at me crawling back into my closet. "Don't hide it from him. I can hear him coming back so hurry up and throw up." I threw up into the garbage I hid in my closet. Trying to hide the fact I was snorting more coke, and the fact that I was throwing up. Dad opened my closet door. I didn't feel to right. "David come here and help me please." I was shaking pretty bad. "Sammy what's going on?" "Nothing, I'm fine. Leave me be." He picked me up. "I think you're gonna come lay down in the lounge with the kids. There's no other option." I just laid back in his arms, still shaking, and still feeling like I was going to throw up.
We made it to the lounge. He placed me on the love seat. That didn't stop me from shaking or from wanting to throw up. I was sweating so bad as well. I felt Sadie pull my hair. "Sam your hair just came out of your head. Come here and let me see what is going on with your head." I didn't get off the couch. "Sam did you even hear me?" I did hear him, but I was in the middle of seizing. Papa got off the couch to see what I was doing. "George she's not doing so good. She's got some foam coming out of her mouth." Dad spoke up. "Yeah that's called a seizure Kenny. Keep her on her side." "She is on her side. She's getting blood all over the couch. I'm gonna sit her up." I saw papa come over top of me. "Kiddo I'm gonna sit you up." I made a weird sound as he sat me up. Dad spoke up again. "David she's got to be higher than a kite. Look at her eyes." I saw him look over. "Jesus George, we've got to get her to the hospital. I think we gotta get her there." Dad sat up with Marlon in his hand. "What are you guys hiding from me? What's going on with my daughter?" I felt the saliva fall down onto my cheek. "George can I explain it to you at the hospital?" He agreed. David came over felt my forehead. He then whispered in my ear. "How much did you take?" I reached out and grabbed his arm. I couldn't say anything, so he just grabbed me off the couch. "Kenny we're gonna take her to the hospital. Can you watch these three?" "Yeah I can do that. Just make sure they get her well." They said something in that parent tone that I couldn't understand. I couldn't concentrate either.
~
I woke up in the hospital bed connected to a bunch of tubes. "Hey kiddo, how are you feeling?" I went to move my hand to give him a thumbs up. It hurt me too bad to do so. "I'm okay now. I feel weird." Dad grabbed my hand. It was just him and at the moment. "David told me what happened. Now before you say anything I'm not mad. I'm just upset. I'm more upset that you didn't tell me. I didn't know you were struggling. The doctor's gave us some more bad news too." I didn't know what he was talking about. "If I've got more cancer then I'm unplugging this breathing tube." "That's not what I was gonna tell you. Sam, you're gonna have to stop doing drugs. I'll tell you the bad news in a minute. You went into cardiac arrest twice. We lost you once. David's getting us coffee, so don't worry about him. I didn't know you were snorting coke." I felt my heart drop into my stomach. "I died? Like mama? I didn't tell you because I was scared that you'd not want me anymore." He sniffled a bit as he wiped away a few tears. "I would never throw you away like that. I love you no matter the circumstance. So if you're on drugs or not it doesn't matter to me. I love you with all my life, and when they said you died I almost lost it. Then they shocked you and you came back for some time before you went again. They said you were so weak, and when we took you home we had to get you fattened up. I know you don't wanna hear that, but it's for the best. I want you to get better baby." I sighed, then looked at him. "Daddy I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I know you are upset and you have every right to be. I didn't know I took so much. I really didn't." "Sammy, baby, you don't need to apologize. What you need to do is rest. David told me a lot and it explains why you're a little off. Just promise me you won't over do it this time. You can die from it, and you almost did." I felt cold tears fall down my cheek. "Daddy I won't do it again. I won't over do it. I just am so tired of everything. Can you tell me the bad news now?" He looked down as David came in. "Hello Princess. I got you your favourite thing." He handed me a glass of something. Well, it was in a styrofoam cup. Anyways I took it. Dad was crying. "Did you tell her yet George?" "No I can't do it to her. You tell her." David sat down beside him. "Sammy I know this isn't the best thing you've heard yet, but your cancer has come back. It's back and they want to do more surgery to remove a mass or tumor. I have no idea. Don't worry they're scheduling it for a few weeks to let you recover. They want you to go on a feeding tube until you can get to eating properly on your own. It's up to you, but we want you to take it." "No I won't take it. I'll get better on my own." Dad sat up some. "Sam, how long is that gonna take? We've been waiting for years. You say you will but you get good, then relapse over and over. I want it to be a good thing. The tube can help, and once you have it you'll get better." I began to cry.
They both grabbed my hand. "I know you don't want it, but it's for the better. We've already said yes." "No you didn't. Are they gonna do it?" I was scared. "They'll be in here shortly to do so, and don't think I'm doing this to try and sabotage you or anything. I'm doing this to help my daughter who deserves the world, get better. You have to stick around to see your son grow." I began to sob now. "I know, but I don't want the tube. I can eat better. I wanna go home." "We're gonna go home once you get the tube in. Papa will let you see him once we go home okay." "You're gonna withhold my son from me if I don't get this?" Dad squeezed my hand. "No we're not, but the doctors won't release you until you get it. So there's no real option here baby." I sighed as I wiped tears and snot off of my face with my sleeve. "Okay I'll get it. Yous have to promise to let me still eat real food too." "Yes, we can do that. David go get the nurse and tell her she's ready." David listened to dad. Then we were alone again. "I know it's gonna be hard, but it's only for a few months. Then when they get you the surgery you need everything will be fine." "I know daddy." "Just relax cause here they come." He held my hand. They came over to me. "Hi you must be Sammy. It's a pleasure to meet you awake. Now this is gonna be a little painful, but we're gonna make it quick." "Okay go on do it." I took a deep breath as they began their process. I cried the whole time. Dad and David had to hold me down a bit. Just so I wouldn't hurt anyone.
(An hour later)
I was still laying on the couch. I had Marlon on my chest asleep. Dad was sitting near me, and the others were on the big couch. Sadie and Dakota were playing with some blocks on the floor. Man were they smart kids. I was happier now, but still felt like shit. I was being force fed food through this annoying tube, and it was not a pleasant feeling either. I hated the idea of gaining weight, but dad was right. If I wanted to stick around to see my son grow up it'd be in the best interest to do this. I was dying slowly. So I had to figure this out and make it work.
Dad came over to me and leaned down to my level. "So do you wanna head up to bed? I know it's a bit early but I can take you two up there. Or just you so you can get some rest." "No I'm fine. I think you can stop worrying now. I've got everything I need. I do need to feed him soon, so if.." He pulled the bottle from the table. "Here I've already made his bottle. Now all you gotta do is feed him. If you're not tired then you don't gotta go up. Did you want any normal food? The tube's not going right now." David came over. "George remember what they said. She's gotta wait about twenty minutes to half an hour to eat real food." "It's alright dad, I'm fine. I'll just feed him, but could you burp him? I don't have a lot of strength." "Of course kid." He kissed my cheek.
So I started to feed him when I felt a weird sensation. Dad was still sitting on the floor. "Dad something's wrong. I don't know what, but something is wrong." He looked over to me then over to Sadie and Dakota. Then there was a huge crack of thunder as some thing banged on the door. I sat up a bit more. "Papa there's not anyone else coming to surprise us is there?" "No baby we don't have any more visitors." Dad got up to answer the door. I overheard their conversation. "I told you to leave. You're not welcome here." I felt the anxiety building up. "Papa he's here again." I could kind of see them from here. "I want to see my son." Dad sighed. "Go call up Louise she'll be due soon. I think in another two months or so. She's called for you, so go be her rapist boyfriend." "Louise and I have spoke. We're having a daughter. We're naming her Elizabeth." "I don't care Fadi. Get out of here. I don't even know why you're here." Dad sounded very angry. I was very scared. "Papa I wanna go upstairs with the kids." I then heard Fadi scream. "I want to see my son. I know he exists. I've seen him in pictures. So let me see him once and I'll leave you alone." Dad stood his ground. "I'll have you know your son is beautiful, and you're never going to see him. Pictures you can have, but you'll never see him ever. So if you do not get off my property I will call your parole officer and tell them you're within the one hundred yards of my home, and are demanding to see your son whom you're not allowed to see to in the first place. That's what was said in court, so go home to Louise and Emmanuel." Fadi scoffed. "I'd love to see you try. Now let me in." I began to burp Marlon as dad still argued at the door. David then got up. Papa looked at me. "Everything is gonna be just fine. Dad's got him taken care of. I think David has too." I was startled when Sadie touched my knee. I saw her cute smile. "Mama." That was her first word. I may not be her mum but it was still so sweet. Her saying her first word almost made me forget about Fadi.
Papa then took Marlon from me. "Hey!" "Samantha I'm going to lay them down for another nap okay. Just in the spare room. Dakota is asleep and so is he. "Oh alright." I let him take the kids. I was all alone now. I thought about dad yelling at Fadi to leave, and about snorting a line. Even though about three hours ago I almost died from it. I knew I shouldn't be doing it again for a few days so I had to wait. Then I heard sirens. "Papa! Papa I'm scared!" He came out in a bit of a hurry. "Sammy I know you're scared. Everything is fine. Dad probably called the police. Since ol Fadi didn't leave right away." I was getting super anxious. I knew this wasn't gonna be good for my heart. "Papa! I'm scared please come." He came over to me, then hugged me. "It's okay. We need you calm baby. This isn't good for your heart." Then dad came back in the room with a police officer. "Ma'am are you alright? We'd like to ask you some questions." I looked at them. "I'm just a little scared. I don't want him here." The police officer sat down once dad offered him a seat. "Who is he? Don't be frightened we're here to help." Papa said something. "She doesn't have a good heart. This could hurt her even more so be careful with the questions." He nodded. "So Sam, your dad says you have a son with that man. Is that right?" I nodded still holding onto papa for dear life. "Now why is that man here asking to see him?" I took a deep breath. "He wants to see him, and he's not allowed to. He raped Me! That's how I got him. Daddy says the court said he can't see him, so I'm only protecting my baby." The officer nodded. "Yes that's what I understand. Do you want us to file a complaint with the parole officer?" I looked at papa and started to cry. Fadi was triggering me to all of the bad stuff that had happened. I felt my chest tighten. "I don't want him here. Take him away." Dad took a breath too. "Samantha it'll be alright. They're gonna take him away okay. They just wanna ask one more thing." "Okay daddy." The officer stood up. "Do you want us to take him back to jail? And charge him? Since he is violating parole." "Yes take him away. Please, my heart can't take it any longer." It sounded cheesy, but it was for real. My chest hurt so bad. "Okay Ma'am." Him and dad went back down to the front door. I focused on papa again. "Papa it hurts." "What does baby?" "My chest, and I wanna go to sleep." "Okay then lay down and sleep." I didn't let go of him. "Sam in order to go to sleep you've got to let go of me. I can lay with you if you want, but you can't fall asleep here." I sighed as dad came back into the room.
"Let go of your poor father and come over to me." I went over to him. "Daddy I wanna go to bed." He sighed, then hugged me. "You can take papa's offer and go to bed. I know it's pretty early. I'll be here for you when you've got another feeding." I held onto his arms. "I'll go to bed for a bit. Just wake me up in a few hours. I wanna rest before I do anything else. Today was very scary." He agreed. "Alright darling. You and papa go to bed, then I'll wake you up my love." I gave him a kiss. "I love you daddy." He had this huge smile on his face. "I love you too. Get some rest." I took the blanket from the couch and went over to papa. "Are you gonna come lay with me?" "Yes darling I will. Let's go to the guest room. That's where the kids are for now." I panicked. "No, no, no papa. We can't go there. I wanna go to my room." He agreed, then told dad about the kids. Dad said he would keep an eye out for them. We went upstairs. Papa let me get in at first. He climbed in and shut the lamp that I had turned on, off. "Sammy are you sure you're gonna be okay?" I wasn't too sure. I was still a little bit upset, but I could deal with it. "Papa I'm fine for now. I just wanna sleep and forget it all ever happened." He brushed the hair out of my face. "Okay sweetie. I'll let you go to sleep. I love you." "I love you too papa." I held onto his arms as I fell asleep.
(4 Hours Later)
Papa tapped my shoulder. That woke me up. I saw him holding my son. "Marlon says he wants his mummy to get up and feed him." I laughed a bit. "Papa I am still really tired. Can't he wait?" Papa chuckled. "No he can't. So come on down." "I can feed him in here. Pass me him and his bottle." He did that after he turned the lamp on. "Your father is coming up to feed you in twenty minutes I believe. So don't do anything stupid." I nodded. As soon as he left I pulled out my coke stash. It was in my night stand drawer. I wanted to do a line or two to keep me going through the night. I finished and put things away when dad entered. I was just beginning to burp Marlon when I felt a little off. I was dozing off a bit. "Hey kiddo you've got to stay awake while feeding him. You know better than that." I felt like a zombie. "Okay. I know dad. Don't push it. Can you take him so I could nap?" Dad looked concerned. "Sam you've been alseep for well over five hours. I have to feed you." I whined a bit. He took him from me. Then he placed something over top of me. "Sam what are you doing?" I felt really sleepy. "I'm just really tired still. So let me sleep." He seemed fairly annoyed. "Alright but get up shortly." I gave him a thumbs up. Then I fell asleep again for the third time today.
"Samantha it's not okay for you to sleep for seven hours and not think of your son." I heard both dad and uncle David say. "I'm awake now. Now what do you want?" They turned my lamp on. "Sam your nose is bleeding." I mocked them. "Samantha enough is enough. What the hell were you doing?" "Nothing that concerns you." Dad came closer. "Oh you've got to be kidding me. David I thought you took her drugs?" David looked at him. "I did. I don't know where she got any of the ones she did." "You wanna play games Samantha, well stay in here until you take your life seriously." They both then left again.
~
I was in my room for a total of twelve hours. I just watched t.v. and cried. There was a small knock on my door before someone came in. It was dad. "You gonna smarten up now?" "I did smarten up." He let out this heavy sigh. "You and I are gonna talk about this. I don't want to hear anything until I'm done speaking. Is that clear?" I nodded my head. "Now I don't want to admit this, none of us do. But this is the exact thing your mother did. She had kids, then got into the cocaine worse than she had been. She overdosed a few times, then she got a bit better. I thought she was getting better, but then she fucked up again. She got addicted after Elliot was born. She never stopped after that. I mean you saw her. She was a wreck, and I don't want my daughter to be the same way. You're killing yourself Sam. You're anorexic and a coke addict, then you've got cancer on top of it. I don't want to see another child in this house go motherless because their mother couldn't take care of themselves enough. I love you Samantha, but this is taking over your life, and I don't want to bury you. I can't live without you. You know I couldn't." I didn't think I could cry any more. Dad was right. I let out these awful sounding sobs. "Daddy I'm sorry. I can't express to you how sorry I am. I can't help my eating disorder daddy, but I can help the drug addiction. I'm trying..." He came closer. "I know you're trying. That's all that matters. You know the drugs can be stopped easily, and I know you can stop the eating disorder too. I know it's gonna take time for you to stop it. It's gonna take a very long time. I just wanna know what your fear is if you get a bit of fat onto you? You know you'd not be bigger than you were before." My fear was being overweight and people hating me. The fear of judgement was always there. If I were fat no one would love me. "Daddy my fear is you guys making fun of me. Papa never is content with my weight, and you know he always said something about it. I feel like I'd get super overweight and no one would look at me the same, and the tabloids would go nuts. They'd judge me for being fat. The biggest I've ever been is one twenty five, and at school the kids would drive me nuts about being fat. The boys teased me for having thick thighs. I can't look into the mirror anymore without thinking I'm ugly." That upset dad a bit. "Samantha you're one of the most beautiful girls in this world, and I'm not saying that because I'm your dad. I'm saying it because it's true. Your father is just an ass at times. I think he fat shames sometimes too. No one would judge you in this house. The tabloids are the least of your worries, and I know they can be unkind, but you can't let the bother you. You need to get back to the proper weight, and if it helps you any I'll get papa to stop commenting on your weight. Just to make you feel a bit better. I'd do anything to make you happy again." I let a deep breath out. "You really think that? I mean I used to think I was pretty, but it got to me. The expectations and that. It would help me if he'd stop. I get I look gross, but there's no reason to express your opinions out loud to me about it. It doesn't help me get better." "I will tell him to lay off on the critiquing. I'm gonna call him up here for a moment okay. Then we can tell him." I agreed to that so he went to the top of the stairs. I thought about what he said for a few minutes and it was so true. It was good stuff.
Papa came in with dad. Dad shut the door behind him. "Sammy I'm sorry." "Let me talk please." He sat down. "I'm listening to you." I then let out another breath. "Papa I need you to stop making little remarks about my weight. It's only hurting me. Sometimes they're funny, but then sometimes they really get to me. I started this almost eight years ago. That was when I was at my highest. I felt good, but then you had to mention I was starting to pack on the pounds. It made me a little self conscious. I watched what I ate, then really did. These girls showed me how to binge and purge. So I picked that up when I was ten, and it never really went away. Then in my teens it got worse as you guys know. Papa you really got on me for it. What's with you and me gaining weight? Are you afraid I'm gonna be fat? Are you gonna stop loving me when I gain fifty pounds?" He let out a few tears. "Sam, I was only concerned because I saw you eat, eat and eat. I thought you were gonna gain another hundred pounds, but I was concerned in the wrong way. You'd come visit and you somehow lost a lot of weight. I was scared, and no I would never stop loving you. Even if you were two hundred pounds. I didn't know how much you really struggled until recently. Now I know, and I'm sorry I've ever said anything demeaning about your weight." I gave him a hug. "I forgive you." He hugged me and held me. "I'm so sorry I ever hurt you." "I'm sorry about everything I did to yous." Dad came over and hugged the both of us. "I love you guys so much." Dad said as he let a few tears out. "I love you too." Was all I could say before I cried a bit more. "Damn, George can we go downstairs now. I think David would appreciate company other than babies. Sammy you can come too." Dad agreed as he picked me up. "Dad I can walk." "It's faster for me to do this." I sighed.
Once we were in the lounge dad placed me down. I saw David rocking Marlon. "Sam you want him?" I nodded no. I was a little too weak right now. "You sure? I can give him to you. You don't have to hold him. I can place him in his little chair." "Okay you can do that. Where's Dakota and Sadie?" "Uncle Bill's in town, so he took them out for a while to give us a break. He'll be back shortly." I was surprised. "Oh okay, um, where's Abby?" "She's outside in the yard. I'll go get her. She's been pacing back and forth waiting for you to come back down." I smiled. That was my girl. Dad came back into the lounge and I heard Abby saunter in. She came right over to the couch I was on. "Abby my girl. Come here." She jumped up on the couch and began licking my face. "Abby be careful. Sam we're gonna order dinner. Now the doctor said you could eat regular food as well, but you can't throw it up." "What are you having?" "I think pizza, but I'm not too sure. We could go out to eat. As long as you are okay with it." "I think I'm okay with it. Just worries me a bit." "You'll be fine. I can assure you nothing is going to happen. I also can let you sit with me. If that makes it easier." "Yeah that does." "Alright then, since we're all dressed let's go." Everyone seemed to agree so we went to the van.
I was having troubles keeping up with them. It was like I was almost out of breath. Dad looked over to me. "Are you coming or what?" "Yes dad I am. I'm just having some breathing troubles." He looked spooked. "Okay well here come the god damn pap's so I'd get hurrying if I were you." "Did you happen to bring an inhaler?" "Yup it's in the van." I tried moving as fast as I could. I made it to the car in time. Just as they were snapping photos. I heard Marlon coo as I got into the car. "Hi baby. Mama's here now." He just smiled at me. He was such a happy baby. Something I envied, happiness.
We arrived at the restaurant shortly after five. Dad helped me out of the van as David grabbed Marlon. It was still bright outside. I saw Uncle Bill. "Hey kiddo. You're lookin' older." I smiled. He never commented on my appearance. "Hi Uncle Bill. Where's my kids?" "At Nanna and Pops. They wanted to see'em." David scoffed. "Mum and dad are easily annoyed by young kids so I have no idea how they're gonna handle them." The adults all laughed. We were now in the place. "Hi, Welcome to Miranda's. It's a big crowd today. How many of ya?" Dad looked and counted. "Five plus a baby." "Okay right this way. We've got a booth set up. Did you need a high chair?" "Yes please ma'am." "Alright have a seat and I'll be back shortly with the chair and some menu's." Uncle Bill, Papa and I sat on the opposite side of dad and Uncle David. I was in the middle of Papa and Uncle Bill. "Here's the high chair and the menu's to start. I'll be back in another minute, my name's Melanie and I'll be your server for tonight." Dad said something nice as she left. I looked in the menu and saw nothing overly appetizing. I didn't know what to get. I saw Uncle David put Marlon in the high chair. Then I felt someone touch my arm on the table. I looked up and saw it was dad. "Did you figure something out?" "What do you recommend dad?" "You wanna eat some chips?" I looked down at the menu to where he was pointing. "I'll eat the fish if you're not into it." "Okay I can do that, but could I have something to drink my mouth is very dry." "I'll get your usual okay kiddo. Don't worry about anything. Just sit back and relax." I did what he said, then papa put his arm around me. "You good kiddo?" I looked over to him. "I'll be fine papa." He smiled. "I'm just checkin' that's all my dear." "Okay papa. Can I have your jacket I'm a little cold?" "Sure sweetie." He placed his jacket over me. I think it was just the restaurant that was cold. I looked up to dad and Uncle David. They looked very happy together. I admired their happiness too, more so envying it as well.
It took a while to get our food, so I was snacking on some crackers I brought. "Sam how's that going for you?" "I think it's going okay." I took a sip of my drink, then I began to choke. I was a bit embarrassed as the waitress was coming with our food. "Papa can you pass me a serviette?" He handed me one. I coughed a little more into the serviette and saw blood. That wasn't a good sign. I just shoved it into my pocket. I looked up and saw dad's concerned look. "Are you alright my love?" "I'm fine. I'm gonna eat some chips now, so don't worry." He winked at me. I started to eat them. "Dad I have to pee." "Thanks for announcing that. Crawl under the table." I was nervous to go to the bathroom. I just finished most of the chips and had a little bit of fish too. I wanted to prove to them I could do it. I got out from the table and made my way to the bathroom. I got in there and it was empty. Well I thought it was when I went into my stall. I was going to the bathroom when I got the urge to throw up. I smacked my head to see if it'd go away. "I can do this. I can do it. Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be." I got up and pulled my sweat pants up. I felt tears pouring down my cheeks. I then threw up. I held my head as I wept on the bowl. I got up and flushed the toilet. I walked out of the stall to see a young girl standing there. "I heard your little thing, and darling trust me on this. It will get better. I suffered from anorexia and bulimia for many years, and now I've over come it in the past three years. You are a very strong and beautiful girl. I know it sounds odd, but I believe you can do this. Coming from a survivor, know you can do this. I did, and so will you in time. I see you've got the tube eh?" I cracked a small smile. "Yeah, my parents made me get it, well the doctor did too. I don't think it sounds odd. I think it is wonderful that a complete stranger can give advice to another. Thank you, I haven't felt beautiful in months." "You are headed for a long road to recovery, but it's worth it. I believe in you, and I believe in your success. I believe you can do it for you and your son." "How'd you know I had a son?" She smiled. "I saw you sitting at the table with all of those men. I figured he'd be yours. But take tonight as slowly as you can. Don't let tonight discourage you. You're gonna do this. You still have the rest of the days ahead of you to get better. Love yourself first my dear. Have a good night." I smiled as I washed my hands. "Thank you, and you as well." She waved, then disappeared. I wiped the tears from my face.
I came out of the bathroom to see David standing there. "I was gonna come in but that girl told me you were finishing up. Is everything alright? We're just about ready to leave. You've been in there for fifteen minutes." I gave him this look. "Let's go then. I think I'll be alright." He reached out for my hand. I grabbed his. We went back to the table. I popped a breath mint in before they could ask anything else. We got out to the car when dad asked the golden question. Well he didn't really ask he just mentioned it. "Let me smell your breath." I looked over to David. He was putting Marlon in. I opened my mouth. "I can't smell anything that way." I breathed on him. He looked fairly disappointed. "Get in the van." "Dad I tried. That's what took me so long!" I felt tears form in my eyes again. "I said get in the van. There's pap's over there." I saw them so I got into the van. I sat down and did my seat belt up. They then took off from the lot. I cried into my lap. "Why are you crying darling?" "I tried so hard." I heard dad sigh. "I know you did. It's gonna be okay love." Papa seemed to be a little under the influence cause I heard him laugh. "She sure tried. If she did then she wouldn't have thrown up." I bawled, but screamed at him. "You weren't there! I tried so hard! You can't do nothing but laugh. You can't see the struggles I go through. I tried so hard tonight. You can't see past your alcoholism." He smacked me. I turned to face him. "I'm not saying you didn't try. I'm saying you didn't try hard enough. I've seen your fucking struggles for the past ten years! So don't give me that bullshit." We pulled into a gas station. I was assuming to get gas. "You can't see them if you criticize them. I don't fucking criticize your alcoholism. I just let it go. Like you should with me." Dad turned back from the front. "We're getting gas now, so you two knock it off. Darling ignore your father's ignorance, and Kenny stop being an asshole. You both have issues that need to be fixed, so keep it together while we pump the bloody gas." He got out of the van.
I kept crying as they pumped the gas. Papa was thinking to himself I suppose you could say. "Sammy you're gonna be alright. I'm sorry about what I said. I know you're trying." "I'm bleeding papa." I turned to face him. He saw the scared look in my eyes as my nose and mouth began to bleed. He got dad's attention. He then opened my door. "Oh god. David pass me a bag." He took the chips out of his bag, then placed them in beside me. "What's going on G?" "I don't know David." I cried as I threw up more blood. "We're gonna take you to the hospital baby. Just so you can get the best care there. Kenny switch seats with me." Papa agreed and went into the front of the van. Dad got in and sat beside me. I didn't want to go back to the hospital. David closed the door then got back into the driver's seat. "Daddy what's wrong with me? I don't wanna go back to the hospital. They're gonna keep me for a long time." He began playing with my hair. He was trying to comfort me. I fell asleep still trying to contain my blood filled vomit.
It seemed like this was a regular occurrence with this family. I was laying in the hospital bed covered with IV's and tubes. Now I had a breathing tube. It didn't bother me much anymore. It was something I was now used to. I was awake and in pain. I saw dad and papa. David and Uncle Bill weren't in the room. I could hear the baby outside of my room and was curious as to why I couldn't see them. "She's awake George. Our girl's alive." I heard him say with pure joy. I saw him crying. Dad looked up to me. His hazel eyes caught my bright blues. I saw his fill with tears. "Baby you're awake. How are you feeling?" I didn't really know. "I think I'm okay. Why do I have all of these tubes and that? Am I dying?" "No silly, you're not dying. They had to do an emergency surgery. You're gonna be able to go home in a few days if there's no complications." "What happened to me? Why was I in surgery?" "I don't want to upset you too much. I honestly don't know too much about it since they wouldn't tell me much. I know it's because of your stomach and because of your cancer. You're gonna be okay though. I've got you covered." I reached out for his hand. He immediately grabbed my cold, frail hand. "I love you daddy, but why can't I see David and Marlon?" He smiled. "There's no reason you couldn't. We were just trying to settle him down. D you can come back in with the baby." He then appeared in the hospital room. "Marlon is sound asleep. How are you my girl?" "I'll be okay I think. Is he okay?" "Oh he's great. How's the pain?" I lied so they wouldn't worry about me any longer. "I think it's manageable" "Good good." I was tired still. "Dad is it okay if I go back to sleep? I'm still a little tired." "Yeah go ahead. We'll be here when you wake up okay." I nodded as I fell asleep again to David's soft voice.
(Four Days Later)
I was finally back home again. The doctor's said to take it easy. I tried to do that. I also wasn't allowed to eat any food by mouth, so the tube was all I depended on. I've gained a few pounds. Not too many, but just enough to start noticing. I also was very weak, but I tried doing a lot of things. It didn't help that they wouldn't let me do anything, but that was also a pro in this situation. I had to take it slow or else I could rip stitches, and that was something I didn't want to do.
What I thought of during those five days in the hospital was what that young lady said in the restaurant. I had to take this one step at a time and keep reminding myself that everything was going to be alright. I knew she was right. I needed to do this slowly, but surely. I'd win this battle even if I didn't think it was possible. Like daddy always says, I gotta have faith. Now whether he was quoting his song or not I couldn't tell, but it was good advice. I needed to take care of myself, not only for me, but for my son. He needed a mom in his life. I was going to break the cycle. I was going to get better for him, and for dad. All I need is a little more faith in my life and I can go the distance. I can do it even if I don't want to. I've gotta have a lot of faith in order to survive.