Do you remember??
As a 10 year old kid, stealing chocolates at a grocery store just because you can?
Letting other people blame you when the kid you punched bled but you knew it wasn't your punch that made him bleed. It was when another classmate used a book to hit his head and his face hit the ground?
Remember when you were told to endure hunger and envy by your own Father? Because he was going to use that money for other women.
Remember when they told you to be nice?? And let your own brothers steal and destroy your personal belongings?
Also, those times.. When you didn't play when you were supposed to play, didn't wish for things when that was the only thing free in the world, didn't dream because you've already placed yourself at the lowest importance because that's where your own parents placed you?
Your cousin is more important because they're poor.
Your brother is more important because he's younger.
Those beggars are more important.
Those strangers are all more important.
Everyone else is more important..
But you..
Remember all those nights when you wished you would just die already??
When you prayed really really hard for an accident to happen and die?
Because everything around you is just a suffocating lie??
Remember when you couldn't feel anything anymore??
When you smile but it felt like instinctive thing to do?
When tears overflow on your cheeks but no pain? Or anger?
When you felt excited for someone else's love story but personally 'love' is just a word? An adjective? A chemical reaction?
Do you remember feeling weird because you couldn't feel any other emotion for other people aside from irritation and annoyance?
Then you were taught to have respect for your parents and older people. They tell you a list of things you should do and not do.
You follow..
Just for the sake of not getting shouted at or hurt or beaten or an instinctive fear that your food/clothes/necessities will be taken away from you..
As a teenager, do you remember just pointing out any cute guy you're not interested in and pretending to like them while everyone has their crushes?
Remember knowing in yourself.. You're not capable of feeling so you act like other people instead? Just so you won't be out of place? Or stand out?
Remember that time you dreamt of being a chef so you tried cooking an egg? Showing it to them being told, 'Don't do it if you don't know how to.'
Funny how such simple words could destroy everything and just gave you fear. Your will, your dreams..
And that's just how you started feeling like puppet with strings.
Remember trying to speak out?? When you asked why during your birthday, you have to give other people all the special things and you were left with leftovers? When your brother stole your money and all they did was say a single line and none after that? When they perfectly knew that you sincerely wished to learn Martial Arts but chose to ignore it? When you stopped expecting anymore because countless disappointments already made you numb. Countless broken promises made you feel that speaking out and complaining is just damn futile..
Just like a broken record that keeps saying they love you and support you but nothing when it counts. Nothing when it mattered.
And you're nothing but a stepping stone for 'Their' important people.
Remember lying to yourself..
Making yourself believe that you are loved by those exact people who can't even make an effort to find out that you didn't like Winnie the Pooh but forced it unto you?
Those exact people who kept saying that they love you and support you but for the sake of supporting your own brother, they will push you off to a college where you specifically told them that you didn't, couldn't stay because you wanted to stop for awhile and ask yourself to know what you really wanted to do in your life.
Not knowing how much courage it took for you to tell them those things..
How your heart just broke again and how you got disappointed again because it's more important to support them than you understanding your own self and you finding your own path.
But in the end, they didn't hesitate making you into a sacrificial lie..
Remember how you just gave up??
But there's that tiny you inside who still wanted to fight?
Remember trying?
Just to fail?
Remember lying??
Just to shut them up?
Remember feeling worthless than you've ever felt because you couldn't do it??
Remember wanting to destroy everything??
But that stubborn tiny you just keeps you from destroying everything?
That tiny you who wanted to believe and encouraged you that you'll find what you're looking for?
Remember how she died??
Remember how everything fell apart?
Remember how even after all the sacrifices that you've made, the support that you've given, the protection that you gave, how you let them step on you and deprived you of everything you wanted because you were nice? You were the good child.. The understanding child..
Remember how many times you had to eat your disappointments and heartaches all these years, only to be used and trashed at the end of the line?
Now..
Even at this moment, even at this moment when your brother already has his own wife and kids, they still planned on using you.. Without any regard of what you feel inside..
Remember trying to keep it together just so you won't be called unfilial?
Remember giving them all your money that you worked so hard for, just for their luxuries?
Remember just quitting your job because you don't want to be used anymore..
Remember when you wanted to attend to that concert but couldn't afford the ticket because they borrowed your money? Promised to pay it back yet until now, there's nothing?
Remember when you starved yourself to increase your savings only to get them borrowed and paid for another internet connection even if there's already an existing one?
Remember being told that he was your Mother's son that's why she couldn't abandon him??
Remember wanting to ask if she remembered that you're hers too?? Or when you wanted to ask if she hated you because you're the first born child and you destroyed her future?? Or if she blamed you for not being able to stand up for her to adults when they said nasty things about her because you weren't listening? But you couldn't. Because you're too afraid you won't like the answer..
Family??
Growing up while wishing you were dead every single time because of the pain..
Brothers??
Letting them have everything they want and you can't say a single damn thing about it!!???? Even if they stole things from you, hit you, left you, blamed you, swore at you, never even once treated you like a sibling, you can say anything but nothing will happen to them. There's no justice in this world. There's not even karma.
And you're just a stepping stone.
You're just the shield used to accept all the damages!!
You're just a bullshit reason for them to buy things for other people!!!
You're the cover up for all their lies!!
You won't be anything but a tool for them.
Can you stand up again and fight??
Can you smile again and hope for a better future??
If you'll be able to..
If you've succeeded to..
Can you tell me how??
Because I.. Don't know how..
Please... Help..