Allie
Hinampas ako ni Frannie ng unan sa mukha. I even yelled ouch lots of time but I guess it wasn’t enough to stop her dahil hinampas niya ulit ako. Pinaulunan niya ako ng palo ng unan hanggang sa wala na lang akong ibang nagawa kundi tanggapin ang bawat pambubugbog niya sa akin.
“You idiot! Akala ko wala ka nang itatanga pa, but you proved me wrong!” hinampas pa rin niya ako at napasimangot naman ako. Nagsisimula na akong mainis but I figured that maybe I deserve to be hit, and being hit wih a pillow is just plain nice.
“Just in case you didn’t hear me say it, you’re an idiot.” sabi nito at matapos ay tinapunan ako ng unan bago tumigil. Siguro ay hiningal na siya sa kakahampas sa akin.
“Bakit mo ako pinaghahampas ng unan?” bigla ulit lumitaw ang pagkainis mula sa mukha ni Frannie at hinampas ulit ako ng unan na malapit sa kanya.
“Aray!” I frowned at her.
“You just told me that you rejected Arron when he cried and confessed his feelings just recently, at pagkatapos itinatanong mo pa sa akin kung bakit hinahampas kita ng unan? If you weren’t my cousin, I would have smashed your face on the wall. You’re that frustrating, Allie!”
“Para saan pa kasi kung tatanggapin ko iyon? Mamamatay na ako, Frannie. What good will it do?” mas lalong naging irritable si Frannie sa akin. Kung hindi siya seryoso at kung hindi lang ako depressed ay baka natawa na ako sa itsura niya.
“What good it will do? You’re seriously asking me that question? Fine, sasagutin ko. It will make you two, happy! You will die a happy girl! Who doesn’t want to die happy? Obviously, ikaw. Grabe, Allie. You’re annoying me more than usual!”
“You call that good? I’ll die a selfish girl. I’ll be happy, he’ll be happy for a short span of his life–pagkatapos ano? I’ll leave him and he’ll be left with nothing but grief. He’ll be left with heartache and sorrow once that I’m gone, and why is that? Because I allowed us both to taste something that we both know we could never have!
“Oo na, mahal namin ang isa’t isa pero hindi naman lahat ng nagmamahalan, nagkakatuluyan in the end. It’s obviously not meant to be. Hindi naman dapat ipilit ang bagay na hindi na pwede. Masasaktan lang kami pareho.”
“Ay ang tanga talaga!” sigaw nito na parang hindi man lang narinig ang mahabang speech ko.
“If you’re going to remind me how stupid I am, I’d prefer you to just leave. I’d rather mourn alone than to constantly hear you harass me about it.”
And she did left. Sabi niya ay hindi niya daw kayang i-handle ang pagkainis niya sa akin. Baka daw mas lalong mapaaga ang taning ng buhay ko sa malalagim na bagay na naiisip niya.
Katulad ng sinabi ko, I allowed myself to wallow myself in misery until I fell asleep that night. Thinking of what I couldn’t have, craving for something that was never meant for me. No, I didn’t cry but I felt the emptiness inside my chest. It was hollow, I had no choice but to feel empty.
Restless. Resigned. Yun ata ang mga tamang description sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Umagang-umaga ay ang lata-lata ng pakiramdam ko.
My phone beeped for a text and I stopped my train of thoughts for a moment para tingnan kung sino iyon.
Frannie: Bati na tayo, pero gusto pa rin kitang sabunutan.
Natawa na lang ako at napailing-iling sa text ni Frannie. Pagkatapos ng gabing iyon, isang araw rin siyang hindi nagparamdam–nagkasalubong kami pero hindi Hindi ko na siya sinagot dahil paniguradong hahaba na naman ang pag-uusapan namin at baka in the end, mainis na naman siya sa akin.
My phone beeped again. I got my phone again and checked it.
Dominic: Hey. Want to hang out today?
Nawala ang ngiti sa mga labi ko nang mabasa ko ang text ni Dominic. Pumunta dito si Dominic para sunduin ako, at dahil unang natapos ang klase niya, he waited for me para maihatid sa bahay. Inaya ko siya na magstay muna at manuod ng movies pero wala talaga ako sa mood kahapon.
Napansin niya ang pagkalumbay ko kahapon nung sinundo niya ako, he asked me if I was okay and I just nodded even though it was a lie. Hindi na iyon tinanong ni Dominic ulit at sinamahan na lang ako with a huge smile. Kahit nung nanunuod kami ng movie, comedy ang pinili ni Dominic na papanuorin namin pero hindi ko talaga magawang matawa. Hindi pa rin kasi maalis ang isip ko sa confrontation namin ni Arron.
Allie: Sorry, Dominic. Gusto ko munang magpahinga eh.
Hindi rin nagtagal ay nagreply agad si Dominic sa text ko. It was really unfair to him na ganito ang inaasal ko, pero it’ll be more unfair to him kung kasama niya nga ako pero ibang lalake naman ang laman-laman ng isipan ko.
Dominic: Kahit movie marathon? I’ll bring pizza.
Allie: I’m really tired. Sorry. Next time.
Dominic: Okay. :( Hope you’ll feel better soon.
Sinubukan ko talagang iwasan si Dominic. Plano ko rin sana iwasan na si Arron pero mukhang hindi naman na kailangan dahil bumalik siya pag-iwas sa akin. I’ve been more miserable than ever. Halos wala na akong ganang kumain, at wala iyong kinalaman sa sakit ko. I was just too despressed to eat.
Hindi rin nagtagal ang pag-iwas ko kay Dominic. It only lasted for two days, at kanina–naabutan niya ako sa room ko. He grabbed my hand and pulled me without saying anything. Hindi ko na nagawang kumontra dahil mukhang wala siya sa mood makipagtalo sa akin. Baka kapag ipinilit ko pa ang gusto ko ay sigawan niya lang ako kahit na hindi naman niya tipo ang sumigaw.
“Iniiwasan mo ba ako, Allie?” hindi ko nasagot ang tanong niya. Kapag sinabi ko ang totoo ay masasaktan lang siya pero ayaw ko namang magsinungaling sa kanya. I was done lying to him. I was done lying to anyone. I’m done with the web of lies. Period.
He sighed, realizing that I wasn’t really planning on answering him. “Never mind. Date tayo bukas ha?” bigla namang nandilat ang mga mata ko sa pagkabigla. It’s been a long time since we went out on a date. Kadalasan kasi ay sa bahay lang kami nanunuod ng movies o kaya yung usual na pagkain sa labas but not really considered as date dahil usual routine na namin ang mga iyon.
“D-Date?” blinking my eyes a few times, I asked.
“Yup. Susunduin kita sa bahay mo before lunch, okay?”
“P-Pero…”
“Are you going to say no?” malokong ngumiti sa akin si Dominic pero nakita ko ang pagkalungkot sa mga mata niya. Kumirot naman ang mata ko. Kahit na hindi ko na mahal si Dominic katulad ng dati… nasasaktan pa rin naman ako kapag nakikita ko siyang nasasaktan.
“No!” lumabas na agad sa bibig ko yon bago ko mapigilan. I sounded defensive and I am. Balak ko talagang hindi pumayag. Going out on a date with Dominic isn’t really the best thing to do if I was planning to keep him at arm’s length but it looks like I don’t have a choice. I don’t want to hurt him with my rejection.
Nangyari na ang lahat ng nangyari, hanggang ngayon ay duwag pa rin ako na masakit ng damdamin ng tao na malapit sa akin. I was scared shitless to hurt anyone special to me.
“Great!” lumaki ang ngiti sa mga labi niya na bigla namang nagpalambot ng puso ko. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked and I nodded at him with a warm smile that he deserves. Dominic nodded at me in affirmation before leaning in to kiss me on the forehead.
And now I was picking the perfect outfit for our date. Hindi ko alam kung saan kami pupunta but Dominic told me to just dress comfortably nung itinanong ko sa kanya kung dapat ba akong mag dress or what. Hindi naman niya siguro ako dadalhin sa isang fancy restaurant. I mean, Dominic can certainly afford it but I don’t want to be out of place if ever that happens.
I decided on a pair of red sneakers, red skinny pants and a white tee that Dominic bought me as a gift. Sinuot ko na rin ulit ang necklace na binigay niya sa akin nung birthday ko last time. I was feeling a bit girly kaya I curled the ends of my hair, applying a bit of make up and Dominic arrived as soon as I finished spraying perfume all over my body.
“Saan ba tayo pupunta, Dominic?” pangungulit na tanong ko dito. Pang-apat na beses ko na tinanong sa kanya yun pero hindi niya pa rin ako sinasagot. Nang dumating siya sa bahay, malaking-malaki ang ngiti niya. Ipinagpaalam niya ako kay Mommy at Daddy and they just nodded with big grin painted across their face. They’re probably thankful na lalabas na ako ng bahay, finally. I knew they were worried about me since what happened four days ago at the hospital–four nga ba? I think it was five. I’m not sure anymore since it felt like it has been a year.
“Just wait and see.” I ended up crossing my arms and pouting. Wala na akong ibang nagawa kundi ang hintayin na makarating kami sa pupuntahan namin. Medyo kumakalam ng sikmura ko. I only ate a little for breakfast dahil natatakot ako na masira ang appetite ko sa date namin ni Dominic. Ayaw ko naman pahirapan si Dominic na pakainin ako.
Hindi pa nakakababa ng sasakyan ay kumunot na agad ang noo ko. The atmosphere was familiar pero hindi talaga ako magaling sa lugar kaya pinilit kong alalahanin kung nasaan kami. Dominic was grinning wide when he opened the car door for me.
“Let’s go?” he offered his hand and I took it with confusion plastered all over my face.Dominic pulled me somewhere and I gasped when I realized where we are. It was the place where Dominic and I had our first date. Yung carenderia sa park! Naluluha na ang mga mata ko nang hatakin ako ni Dominic papunta sa isang lamesa. May iilang tao na nandoon pero wala akong paki sa kanila.
It’s the place and Dominic that only mattered.
“Hey, save your tears for later please.” he kid though I doubt he was really kidding. Hinampas ko na lang siya sa balikat at bahagyang tumawa kahit wala namang nakakatawa.
Bigla ko ulit naalala ang unang date namin ni Dominic. It was one of the best nights in my entire life. He gave me a different meaning of love that exact night. I never thought I could love someone romantically that way. I thought it was impossible for me to fall in love dahil sa sakit ko but he made it possible. He made me happy and showed me that life is still worth living.
“Don’t tell me pagkatapos nito ay dadalhin mo na ako sa airport?” pagbibiro ko dito at ngumisi naman si Dominic. Nung gabi kasi ng unang date namin, ipinangako niya sa akin na balang araw ay tutuparin niya ang pangarap ko na mahalikan sa ilalim ng mismong Eiffel Tower gamit ang pera na naipon niya.He shook his head with a sad smile.
“Sadly, hindi pa rin sapat ang naipon ko para dalhin ka doon.”
“Doesn’t matter. Ang importante, magkasama tayo ngayon. Diba?” I placed my hand on top of his. Ngumiti ulit sa akin si Dominic pero nakita ko ang bakas ng lungkot sa mga mata niya. Sinubukan kong wag pansinin yon at ngumiti para sa aming dalawa.
Pagkatapos namin kumain ay umikot muna kami sa park, katulad ng ginawa namin dati. After strolling and just talking about everything like before, we went back to his car. It was almost one when we left. Sinubukan ko ulit itanong ang susunod niyang agenda pero katulad ng kanina ay hindi niya pa rin sinabi sa akin.
Excitement filled my eyes when Star City’s Giant Star Wheel peeked in the view. I wanted to stand up from my seat dahil hindi ako mapakali. “We’re going to the amusement park? Talaga?”
Tumawa si Dominic. “Wag na nga lang.”
“No!! Gusto ko pumunta! Matagal na akong hindi nakakapunta doon! Oh my God! I’m so excited!” masiglang sabi ko doon at napahalakhak naman si Dominic sa akin.
Para siguro akong bata na excited sumakay sa mga rides. It’s been really long since I last went to the amusement park kaya hindi naman ako masisisi kung mukha akong sabik.I almost skipped my way inside kung hindi pa ako hahawakan ni Dominic sa kamay ay baka inunahan ko na siya at tumakbo sa sobrang excitement. Si Dominic naman ay natatawa na lang sa pag-aasal bata ko.
I pulled him into different rides. Mabuti na lang at hindi ganoon kadami ang tao kaya hindi mahirap pumila. Every two-three rides though ay pinipilit ni Dominic na magpahinga muna kami. Natatakot yata siya na mapagod ako o di kaya’y himatayin like last time. Pinipilit niya pa akong kumain pero sinasabi ko na lang sa kanya na masyado akong excited para kumain.
Nung hinatak ako ni Dominic sa isang horror house. Pagkakita ko pa lang sa booth na yon ay naalala ko agad si Arron. My heart twitched when his name popped out of my mind. Napalitan iyon ng guilt dahil si Dominic ang kasama ko pero kung sino-sino ang iniisip kong ibang lalaki. God, Allie. You’re hopeless.
I really had fun with Dominic. Nang wala na kaming masakyan dahil sa mga nakakainip na pila ay naglaro muna kami sa mga coin operated machines hanggang sa abutin na kami ng gabi. Dahil wala akong ganang kumain ng rice, we decided to eat something light bago magsimula sa pagsakay ulit ng rides.
“Are you going to tell me kung bakit naisipan mo ako ayain magdate?” I smiled at him before taking a bite on the hotdog meat that Dominic bought for me.
“Do I need to have a reason to date my girl?” bigla namang kumirot ang puso ko sa last two words. I know I didn’t said it out loud. I didn’t say the b word in front of his face because I couldn’t do it pero akala ko ay naintindihan niya nung sinabi ko when he asked me what to do. That day, I told him to move on.
The grin on Dominic’s face disappeared as he stared at me. “What? Did I say something wrong?” naramdaman ko bigla ang pagtutubig ng mga mata ko. Ngumiti agad ako kay Dominic at umiling-iling sa kanya bago siya makaramdam na may mali sa akin.
“No. Punta lang ako ng rest room.” tumuro ako sa likuran ko kung saan may malapit na rest room bago umalis nang hindi hinihintay ang magiging sagot niya.
Pagkalabas ko ng restroom, natawan ko agad si Dominic na nakatingin lang sa kawalan. He really looked like he was in deep thoughts. Bigla akong napabuntong hininga. Pinilit ko munang ngumiti bago lumapit papalapit sa kanya.
“Hey.” bati ko dito at napatingin naman siya sa akin.
“Ready?” tanong ni Dominic sa akin.
“Always.” ngumiti ako dito at tumango siya sa akin. Tumayo siya mula sa pagkakaupo niya at inilahad ang kamay niya.
“I know where to ride next.” yun lang ang sabi niya sa akin pagkatapos ko inilapat ang kamay ko sa kamay niya.Hinila ako ni Dominic papunta sa ferris wheel ng Star City. Madilim na ang kalangitan dahil gabi na kaya mas marami ang may gustong sumukay sa ferris wheel para makita ang paligid ng amusement park.
“Dito mo gusto sumakay?” tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.
He shrugged at me. “It’ll be fun.”
We were both patient while waiting for our turn. Sinubukan magkwento ni Dominic pero nawala na naman ako sa mood para makipag-usap. Bigla na naman kasing pumasok sa utak ko si Arron. Kapag hindi ako sumasagot sa kanya ay tinatanong niya kung okay lang ako, wala naman akong ibang masabi kaya tumatango na lang ako sa bawat oras na itatanong niya iyon.
When it was finally our turn, I was really relieved. I was kinda hoping that the height and the moment alone with Dominic would make me forget about the guy who has been successfully pestering my mind for days.
“Wow.” yun lang ang nasabi ko nang makarating kami sa tuktok.Silence has enveloped us since we entered the gondola. Nailang naman ako bigla dahil tumahimik si Dominic pero sinubukan kong basagin ang katahimikan na iyon.
“Ang ganda dito, Dominic ‘no?” from looking out the glass, lumingon ako kay Dominic na tahimik na nakatingin lang sa akin. Hinintay ko na sumang-ayon siya sa akin pero hindi siya nagsalita. The smile on my face disappeared and I was instantly covered with anxiety. Parang biglang sumama ang kutob ko.
“Allie,” tawag ni Dominic sa akin. Kahit labag sa loob ko na sumagot dahil iniiwasan ko ang ganitong usapan ay wala akong ibang nagawa kundi sumagot sa kanya.
“Hm?” I simply hummed, afraid that my voice will break.
“Allie, you do know that I want you to be happy right?”
Ngumiti ako kay Dominic. “Of course, Dom.”
“And as a person who really loves you, I want to be the reason why you’re happy.” my smile slowly faded. “And as much as I would like to be ignorant…I’m not dense.”
“Dominic…” I whispered, knowing where this conversation will be going. Atomatikong nagluluha na ang mga mata ko, nagbabadya na tumulo ito sa tamang oras.
“I’m not the reason why you’re happy anymore.”
My tears started falling at that.
“Dominic… No. Napapasaya mo pa rin ako.”
Nakita ko kung paano pinipigilan ni Dominic ang pag-iyak. He was trying to be strong dahil alam niyang hindi ko iyon kaya at iyon ang kailangan naming dalawa. Even when hurt, iniisip niya pa rin ang makakabuti sa akin. My heart ached. How can I hurt someone who’s perfect as him?
“No, Allie…” umiling-iling siya.
“Tanggap ko na. Napansin ko naman na hindi na kita napapasaya katulad ng dati eh. Napansin ko na hindi mo na ako tinitingnan katulad ng dati, na parang ako yung buong mundo mo. I’ve seen it all but I was too much of a masochist to accept all of it. Because I love you.”
He bit his lip as I sobbed. “I refused to let you go because I thought I could make you love me again like you did the first time.”
Umiling-iling si Dominic. “But you can’t fall in love with the same person twice… If you’re already in love with someone else.”
I let out a gasp. My tears halted and my heart felt like it has been stabbed.“I know when to accept defeat, Allie.”
“Dominic, stop this… please.” pakiusap ko dito habang humihikbi pero hindi pa rin tumitigil si Dominic sa pagsalita.
“And I already know I lost. I lost you.”
“Dom.” seems like I was lost for words dahil puro pangalan niya na lang ang sinasabi ko. Parang binabasag ang puso ko sa bawat salita na lumalabas sa kanya. This is what I wanted. For him to give up on me, pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasan masaktan. Hindi para sa akin kundi para sa kanya. He doesn’t deserve this kind of pain. And for a worthless person like me.
I don’t deserve his love, his tears.
“I know I promised you forever. I also know I promised to make your dreams come true. I know I promised you that I’ll never stop loving you but it seems like I’m going to break all of those promises. Please don’t hate me for it because the reason why I’m breaking all of it, is for you to share that promise with someone you love. And that someone isn’t me anymore.”
Tumulo ang mga luha mula sa mga mata ni Dominic at parang paulit-ulit na ibinagsak ang puso ko mula sa kalangitan.It hurts to see him cry.
“I’m so sorry, Dominic. You don’t deserve this, I’m sorry. I’m such a fool for doing this to you. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve your love. I’m sorry.”
“No, Allie. Don’t say that. You deserved my love. Very much. You made me happy. You made me feel alive. You made me feel every thing unimaginable. You made me experience to be faultlessly in love with a girl for two years and counting. And it’s been the two best years of my life.”
“I love you, Dominic.” he nodded like he understood what I meant. What kind of love I feel for him. Lumapit sa akin si Dominic at hinawakan ang magkabilang pisngi ko.
“I love you more than infinity, Allie.” he paused. “And that’s a reason enough to let you go.”
That night, I cried. That night, I felt my beating heart stop.